...to be a bit scared about becoming a SAHM?

[CoffeeMum]

Sorry, this might be a bit long: DC2 is due in December. I currently work full time - about to finish - and DC1 is in nursery, which has been a great success [the nursery part, not my full time job].

H and I have always aimed for me to become a SAHM when DC2 arrived. Not only do I want to be at home with my children [though i completely respect anyone who decides to work and I know how brilliant nurseries can be], but it also makes sense on every level. Firstly, my salary would be completely consumed by two full time nursery places. Secondly, my enthusiasm for my job is at an all time low, and my time in this career has come to a natural conclusion. Thirdly, H has an extremely demanding job, and as such all the nursery runs and home front organisation falls to me - and i'd be the one to take time off if DC was sick - i can't imagine how this would work with TWO DC to think about. And finally, i've found juggling one DC with full time work a bit of a juggling act TBH. It hasn't helped that i've been pregnant for most of that time [i find pregnancy extremely tough, and i've been exhausted really, since I went back].

So, though money will be tight, i am to become a SAHM, and part of me is so looking forward to it. However, having read posts about the reality of being a SAHM, I am worried about the sheer repetitive grind of it, and whether i'm going to get lonely. I'm scared about becoming invisible as 'just a SAHM' and my non-mum friends and H being bored by me! I'm also scared about how i'm going to handle having another baby with DC1 not even two years old yet. I'm not afraid of hard work AT ALL, but i'm worried this is going to be a challenge i can't live up to.

Also, my first maternity leave was brilliant - lots of mum friends, fairly easy baby, outings and coffee mornings all the time - and i suppose, the knowledge that it wouldn't be forever. This time round, alot of my friends will be at work, and i know it's going to be much harder looking after two kids - not so much sitting around, gossipping and drinking coffee

I know that some of you will tell me, yes, i couldn't bear to be a SAHM - but to be honest, i don't think i have a choice, and it is what i want - i think. Am i just having a natural wobble about what is fundamentally a massive life change? After all, i've worked full time for nearly two decades now.

So AIBU? And thanks if you've made it this far

ok children at school 8.30-3 need something to do cant faff about at home.only so much fluff and fold anyone can do.so plan to work/study/external activities in that time. and the selfless devotion to children all very well and good but what about when they go to uni etc. what then?

Perhaps, but DD is 5 so DP and I are actually praying that we don't become grandparents before DD leaves home! We have never known child-free life and would like to try some of it before becoming grandparents (which entails lots of childcare in France!).

I can only dream of 5 days a week 8.30 to 3 sans children. Not like that in France - they come home for lunch, have irregular timetables, Wednesdays off etc. They come and go all the time.

Actually, I think that some parents carve out a role for themselves with their kids that they then don't want to relinquish, and say the kids 'need them'. It obviously varies from child to child, but I didn't get a vast amount of parental input and as a result I realised that if I was going to achieve anything I needed to push myself - no one else was going to do it for me. I was definitely an able child (if I do say so myself, ahem), which made this possible for me. Children will absorb whatever amount of effort you put in, but I don't think more parental input necessarily correlates to more achievement beyond a certain point, and in some cases can make children think they don't need to sort themselves out because someone else always will.

And then there are two years of prépa (18 to 20) when they revert to being total domestic incompetents...

My sister's MIL actually gave up working for the first time in her life when her eldest child got to 18, in order to support her children through the prépa years which are the hardest in the French system.

Coffeemum I sympathise - YANBU. I'm stressing out about the realities of being a SAHM if things don't pan out for me at work.

It is the boredom factor definitely. And the drugery is already a problem for me (if I went back to work after maternity leave I'd get a cleaner ).

Some thoughts I've had are:

Join the NCT and volunteer for them. Writing articles for the magazine, a committee role, join a class for mums to be who aren't first time mums.

Find out what's happening locally - play groups, coffee mornings etc (you may need to look on netmums)

Buddy up with a friend who is off at some point during the week. Maybe she works partime or flexibly and arrange some activites together or a bit of reciprocal babysitting so you each get some time to yourselves.

Take up a hobby you enjoy but haven't had time for before with work. Even if you only get to do it for 15 minutes a week it will make you feel good.

Book some "you time" each week where your H looks after the DC and you get some time to yourself having a lie-in/get a hair cut/watch a film or whatever you enjoy.

My top time though is to approach being a SAHM the same way you would a full time job and plan and organise things the same you would at work using all the skills you've built up. Time management/Delegation/Organisation/Administration etc.

I am a SAHM and love it. Two of my children are below school age one of them is in reception. I have never really found it to be boring (ok housework is boring but you still need to do that if you work so it doesnt count!).

I make sure that i spend time with the kids, we go out and we also spend time on activities in the house many of them for us are aimed at helping my sons development as he has delays.

I have always loved being about the house i do loads of cooking from scratch make our bread , make clothes etc etc (you get the picture)

BUT I also volunteer and spend time going out alone with friends when I get oportunity.
The let to being happy at home in my opinion is to make sure you dont get completley bogged down in children and childcare. Make sure you have other things in your life

children will adapt, but i think it's true that they can really benefit from a lot of parental input as pre-teens and teens, when many parents are a bit tired of the whole thing and withdrawing from their "duties."
it's a very vulnerable stage in life, as we all know.

The parental input in their teens is much less about doing things for children (they can make their own lunch) and much more about being there to talk about things intelligently as and when questions arise. Teens are confronted with ever greater problems that they don't know how to solve, and they need a safe place and wise advice to help them make sense of their world...

of course be there for your dc. but 8.30-3 whilst they are in school do some work/study. cant faff about in an empty house fluffing and folding.

There's nothing wrong with liking being at home in your own personal space. Some people prefer being out in a structured environment, but others are very good at occupying themselves on their own and structuring their own time.

scottishmummy although personally I am hoping to train as a nurse once my kids are in school (hence the voluntary work!). I think that if people want to stay home and the family are able to support that financially it is possible for them to be very happy in that role even when the children are at school. Different things work for different families and I dont think anyone should be made to think their choice is somehow strange or wrong.

All my family examples are of people who have had very full, happy and occupied home lives - people who saw work as a means to support their domestic lives, rather than vice versa. I want to provide the same model for our children.

DP is also very keen on this as he is horrified at how empty his parents' lives are and constantly compares them with my parents!

Good Post, ManicMummy. I'm currently a SAHM and, like my previous job (because thats how I perceive being a SAHM) my week has loads of structure. I have found baby/toddler groups to be a lifeline and have led to new friendships and opportunities. I go to groups 3 times a week and the other days my DS2 aged 3.1 is at nursery for 3 hours.
Regarding how my DH deals with my role. Initially he thought it was an easy option but soon after having our 2DC under 3 decided that going out to work was a much easier option. I make sure this is something he remembers often!
One slightly odd thing was not having what I thought was "my own" money to spend. But I quickly realised that the money he earns is of course both of ours and not to feel guilty when perusing the food hall at M and S yet again!
As another MN stated, this time is so short before they go to school and though at times it can be bloody hard, I try to see the bigger picture and enjoy what I'm lucky enough to have.
Hope all goes well for you.

CoffeeMum...everyone here is right on target with their advice, so I don't want to repeat a whole bunch!

I was like you...I hated my job as a teacher, so I gave up when my DS was born (we'd moved to England, anyway, so it was a natural break). I really enjoyed it, though I found it EXTREMELY difficult living in a new country being a SAHM...I'd always made friends through work, so that was hard...you already have some connections which is perfect. When my DD was born (15 months after DS), that's when I got a little stir crazy...I don't know why! Now that they are 3 and 2, I have gone back to Uni, and the balance is FAB...I have to go to school 2 days a week, so I get some adult time, and the rest of the week I'm home with the kids. Plus, I feel like I will be happy to go into a new career that I will enjoy once they're in school full time. Also, if you're DC1 is old enough...get the funding to send him to a playgroup a couple of mornings a week; it will give you some time with the baby, and him some socialisation time (if nursery was good for him, this should be good as well)...and if he's 3 it's free for 12.5 hours a week. Mine both go now, and it's great...I have a few hours in the morning free to get things done, and they are happy and tired out by the time they get home!

I like to be busy, and it is a challenge to occupy yourself and the kids, I will admit, and some days are so boring! But, I love that the day is ours, I don't have deadlines, or things that HAVE to get done...it's hard work, but not stressful, if that makes sense. Someone else said that the key to being a SAHM is to never stay home, and that's so true...sometimes we just go to Tesco for the walk around, not to buy anything!

Lots of luck to you...

Lots of good points here on how to manage being a SAHM so I won't duplicate. The only thing I'd add is, in keeping with the "think of it like a job" thing is you need at least a vague idea of an "operating budget." DH and I have always pooled our money and so I've never worried about spending on me, but committing to regular spends on children somehow felt different, especially if it's something a bit treatlike, such as going to a cafe to make it feasible to go to a toddler group or whatever. You need a budget increase for school holidays as the things that carry on out of termtime cost more and you'll want to do some special days out.

Regarding your relationship, been a SAHP inflates the sense of separation from the working partner - when they're out in the working world doing Important Stuff (and in your H's case Saving Lives) and you're at home doing the laundry. (Of course doing lots of other highly valuable things too much of the time) Think about good ways of keeping in touch. DH and I are quite needy people so I email him in the day sometimes and it helps us both feel more connected (appreciate this is much more tricky for doctors, but IMO there should be something, even if it's only that he will check his texts once a day when he gets a chance so you can txt him about his children's achievements, the plumber being late etc.)

Lastly, and this is a bit left of field but bear with me, I think that sometimes taking all the stress off a working partner can be counterproductive, because work just consumes any slack. If he never ever has to worry about doing the washing up, he never ever has a reason to say NO to work (and even doctors must have to do this sometimes?). My MIL did everything for my FIL, enabling him to concentrate on his career and I don't think it helped his work stress because there was never anything at all that competed against work, and his work was (more indirectly) saving lives too, so he felt a really strong sense of duty to give it his all. He has had a stroke just before he was due to retire. Of course, no-one can say if it would have been worse if she'd expected him home at a decent hour once a week to cook dinner, but I definitely will expect more domestic involvement from my own DH, if nothing else to give him a perspective on the pressures of work.

But on the question of SAHM? You'll be fine and if you're not you'll change it. ~Short of getting yourself banged up for a stretch in Holloway, there's not much you can do to ruin your life for very long.

I intend to be around for DS and any other DC that come along when they get in from school. It's nice to know that you've got the opportunity to always be around for them.

Doesn't mean you haven't got any ambition

some people on here seem to protest too much about SAHMs and how they should be occupied once their DC are at school. It is up to the parent what they choose to do. If they choose NOT to work when the DC are at school then so be it. It's their choice and if you can afford to do it then why not.

I am a SAHM and like it. But it's like any job, you have to work at it, to me the strategy is the same if you are in a paid job or a SAHM, you have to just work hard at it, some days are good, some are bad, sometimes I feel very bored and unsatisfied, other days are brilliant.

I was working when DS1 was little, but it was too much with DH working away a lot when DS2 came on the scene.

You also can't be thinking 'what if' all the time, as you will drive yourself nuts, make a decision, stick to it and get on with it.

People, not you, like to make a real big deal over the SAHM/work issue, it's simple, you have to do what suits you and no one else.

Hey there

I have recently stopped working having had second child.

My eldest is at school and I get a chance to go to gym every morning as they have a creche there.

I find that this is a great start to the day and gives me some much needed time for myself.

Also there is a huge social dimension to the gym in that I know a lot of people there.

Is there perhaps something similar you could work into your day for yourself.

I really hope it works out for you - I love having the opportunity to be at home and focus on family.

I get the whole loss of income argument - but it is a decision I don't regret given the up sides of family life, however this may change I am fully aware and as somebody else commented you are going in with your eyes open which is fantastic.

I really think the essence here is that you can have a very rich and varied life and daily routine - much more so than the daily routine of work.

Just my opinion - hope it works out for you

All the best

No YANBU to feel scared. Its a big decision and will change you life (For now at least). If you are not sure you need to consider speaking to your employer about working PT as a compromise or even just giving work a go for 6 months. Personally, I gave up work a year ago and spent months weighing everything up. I made lists of the pros and cons but in the end followed my heart. I had a PT job to go back to after having DC2 but in my heart I knew I wanted to be at home. Like you, I would have been doing all the running about - Not DHs fault but we live quite far from where he works. The majority of my salary would have gone on childcare. I am intelligent, have a degree and a professional qualification and I will still have those things when I go back. I find having structure to my day is really important. I go out every morning with the DCs. Normally playgroup or the library or swimming. I try to go the same groups so I see the same people as it help when trying to make friends. The only aspect I wrestle with is trying to make friends (can sometimes be an uphill struggle - you have to kiss alot of frogs before you meet your prince) and the constant cleaning up. But I also know there were plenty of things I found repetitive and difficult about work.I get round this by being as friendly as possible, following up every playgroup with a return invitation (as long as it hasn't been a disaster!) and going to the same groups regularly. I also do quite a bit to retain my own identity. I have stayed in touch with work, I am teaching myself a new skill and I read up on a different topic each week. This week I am reading about The Tudors. I make a conscious effort to not drone about the DCs. I really enjoy being with them and don't regret my decision but I can see its not for everyone. Most of all I feel lucky we can afford to do it as there was a time when we couldn't. I miss the holidays and have no idea where the money woudl come from if we needed to replace anything like the car but its not forever.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

hear hear fernie3. people have a real bug up their bottom if others choose to SAH for as long as they like.

It's up to you what you decide. I agree also with carocaro you have to work at it like a regular job. Just because you aren't going out and earning a crust doesn't mean that you aren't contributing to the household.

Hi Coffeemum- It sounds as if you are making the right decision given your circumstances. You have obviously thought about it carefully and it seems as if you will continue to reassess the situation. Being a SAHM to two under two will definitely be hard work but you will probably find it really enjoyable too after working full time in a job that you hate.
I just wanted to add quickly as I am also married to a doctor who works v long hours and often starts again when he gets home too (presentations, writing papers/ book chapters). I am also a doctor but chose to work part time after our first was born so they could at least see one of us! Out of our medical friends and acquaintances, I can think of very few women working full time. Of those that did/ do- one had a SAH partner, one had a lot of family help (looked after children full time) and they were both GPs, working less shocking hours and another two did full time for a few months after their first baby and then dropped their hours because they hated it (inspite of one having lot of help from her mum and the other having a husband working from home). I am sure there are some couples where both partners work a lot more than 70 hours per week but I don't know any and it must be very hard work or perhaps they just have lots of staff!

Hello, wow, lots more replies - thanks everyone for taking the time to give your input, much appreciated. Really good advice here - about treating being a SAHM like a job and introducing structure, activity, 'me time', time to expand mind/study/retrain in due course. Great to hear positive experiences - those of you who enjoy the SAHM thing seem to have a similar mindset and attitude to me, so that gives me hope that i'll enjoy it as much as i hope too. I also think it's worthwhile to remember that i'll be bored out of my mind alot of the time - but i was in my job anyway, so that puts it all into perspective!
Great to hear from partners of doctors - and a really interesting point about not freeing up a doctor partner from ALL 'domestic duties' leaving them to let work obligations spiral out of control. I should emphasize that H IS around, and does have an active role in family life. He takes DC out on his own at least once a fortnight, more often once a week, he cooks a fair bit, he does chores whenever he can. But i must disagree with the MN-er who said unless your PM, your work needn't take over your life...i think in this day and age, work is increasingly a msssive, massive part of people's lives - even in normal jobs. I was consistently working an extra 1-2 hours a day in my job which wasn't especially high powered or well paid. The fact is, if my H has to work a 60 hour week, on average [and literally has no choice], then when the weekend comes around, we'd like to spend quality family time together, and not have to spend the time doing chores as we would if i was also working full time.
I also do agree about kids not necessarily needing you less as they get older. I truly believe my DC will need me more when he's 12, or 14 than he does now at 20 months - okay, not to wipe his bum or push him around in a buggy, but to talk, and get advice and support from. N i don't want to end up in the situation where i'm rearranging the linen cupboard while my kids merrily go off to school, and i will certainly be wanting to work by then, but at the same time, i do remember that i preferred my mum collecting me from school to the childminder [when i was small at least!]
So much food for thought, but whoever said you need to do what is right for you and your family has it spot on i think.
Sorry i can't remember exactly who said what - but Loobylu, you were the last poster, and really good to hear about the women doctors you know and their experiences with motherhood - it confirms what i have long suspected, that it's simply not a career that you can do full time in combinatin with parenthood unless you are some kind of machine, or you have an extremely strong support network/staff. Thanks for that, very enlightening.

oops typos

as much as i hope TO

unless YOU'RE PM