To absolutley NOT want to spend Sunday entertaining my children?

[coolma]

I feel rubbish about this, but I am sooooo fed up. Dh ill upstairs (and he really is, he's normally all over the place on a sunday...) ds9 upstairs on his ps and dd3 has taken all the dining rooms chairs in the front room to make a castle which she wants me to sit in.. All I want to do is sit down with a book and a coffee, then go to the gym to relax for a while. I'm seriously getting stressed with the house being a tip and failing to keep on top of it. Ironing, clothes for tomorrow, messy rooms etc etc.. Every Friday I dread the next two days as I really don;t want to be 'playing' with the children on my weekends off. I have a stressful job (God I wish I could go part tiem but that's impossible) and need the break. We aren't in a position to 'get out' together for an evening, let alone have one of those 'weekend breaks away' that agony aunt type people smugly suggest and I am, actually, going mad!!
Is this hideously unreasonable, or reasonably normal? Just read this back and I sound awful

It is sad and horrible. I've never felt quite this bad. I'm not depressed, I love my job and I love my family (surprisingly to some maybe...) but I am just so incredibly tired of it all - and it is bloody awful to befeeling like thsi. Just one or two days and nights off and I know I'd be desperate to be with them, because I'd be rested and maybe able to get my thoughts in order. Take today. Really long day which started at 8am, dropping dd off at nursey and straight to work, picked dd up from nursery - back home at 6, dh and ds both ill, so no time to do anything except cook, tidy a bit, bath dd, try to sit down for a minute, dd wants me to play SO I DO for about half an hour, suggest to her that mummy needs a break, she starts screeching, ds moping about with ear infection, dh really not well but trying to help...This past hour has been my first opportunity to sit down properly! This is a bit extreme as the boys are both unwell, but it's not really that different to every fucking day. And I've Had Enough.

IMHO YANBU. You sound exhausted. Where is your electric babysitter in this? I would have reached for Cbeebies long before now. If I were you I would probably try to make the most of my lunch-hours at work, maybe have a massage/go to the gym. Can you take a day off and spend it at home - a duvet day - can you arrange a play date? just anything to get some time, if not it sounds to me like you will explode. Do you drive to work? Anyway you could get the train? I love the 20 mins gazing out of the window time.
Sending out non-judgemental supportive vibes....

hmm but you see, I would say that's a fairly normal day for a full time working person...in fact, I think being out the door at 8 and back at 6 (having picked up from nursery) is quite good

what time are the kids going to bed? If you can get them both in bed by 8, you would still get some peace and quiet in the evening?

when was your last holiday?

(((Hugs)))

Could you get a young mothers help, like a local teenage girl, to come and play with your kids/help with tea and bath time a couple of times a week or maybe on a Saturday afternoon? Just for a couple of hours maybe to help you so you don't feel quite so penned in by it all? (I don't know if penned in is the right phrase)

You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling like you do. Life is not one jolly after another and I wish parents wouldn't be so judgy on things like this. Kids are bloody hard work, and I only look after someone elses 70 hours a week, but I am knackered and get really stressed sometimes. I'm only human as are you. Do something nice for yourself or try and get some help to take some of the strain off yourself.

I used to feel like this when I was working ft, and I know my dh still does now. His strategy is to take the children to do something, like to football club at the moment on Saturday mornings, where he doesn't have to do anything really and can have a coffee and talk to adults, but he is technically speaking entertaining his children.

Tbh though, when I was working I did notice the difference in the kids' mood when I gritted my teeth and joined in the game, at least for a while, even when I really wanted to kick back and watch telly with a G&T.

Deffo nothing wrong with a couple of hours of telly at the weekend.

Coolma! You're not sick of your family or your work - sounds liek your sick of the shite that goes with it like illness, cleaning, cooking, school runs etc.

Also darker nights don;t help. Is DH sick longterm?

Obvious stuff - any grandparents able to take your 3 year old jsut for a night/ few hours for a change?

What about inviting someone over? Had my sister over today, I got a bit of stuff done whike she played with 2 year old dd and then we went swimming and had fun. DD is knakcerd so she went to bed early.

YABU

You have big gaps in your childrens ages, so you must have wanted them and the lifestyle that comes with having them.
I am sure you miss just chilling at home with them during the week. You don't have to play with their toys.
You can chat, make jokes, ask them questions etc.
Your dd only gets to play with you for half an hour a day- it's not much from her perspective is it?

You asked if IABU.
My opinion is yes.

This is, broadly speaking real life.

coolma I would go and have a word with my GP if I were you. An 8am to 6pm day is not 'a really long day ime' and having time to yourself from before 8pm is a result.

My usual week day is leaving home at 7.30am, dropping ds at before school care, train/tube to work (working on the train too), full day in the office, train/tube back to pick up ds at 6.30pm. Home about 20 mins later assuming we come straight home and don't pop in to see how ds's poorly grandma is doing.

Do ds's tea and get him to do his homework. Bath and bed for ds. Then I do tidying up, laundry, sort out what is needed for the next day. If I am lucky I get to sit down at about 9.30pm to have something to eat. I have about 1.5 hours before bedtime during which I might MN, work, catch up with phone calls, do on line grocery shopping etc. I have one dc and no help of any nature at all.

I don't actually get to play with ds during the week at all.

Coolma, firstly dont let the comments get you down, this is a post and you must expect that some poeple will respond in a way you dont like. Most ppl have been very supportive, so dont let 1 or 2 get you down. But TBH you DO sound a bit depressed, and you owe it to yourself and your DCs to adrdess the issue. This is life. and I know very few ppl with kids that work FT or are SAHMs that get time to themselves, thats the way it is. For whatever reason you are not coping very well with the daily grind, and you cant go on like this indefinately dreading weekends, thats not what life should be like.

You could easily put energy into reading replies here and getting upset by comments, but is that the best way to adress things??? I agree with Millie O and others that what you think of as your shit life, as what most of us deal with! So please try and do something to adress, and HUG xx

Thank you ^^ I guess, in comparison with some of you , my day isn't that long and it's just a matter of better time management and being less selfish. I have, though, told dh that I am going to the gym tonight and I will also being doing some work there after swimming in the quiet bar! (not swimming in the bar obviously, terrible sentence construction ) I've never had such a difficult job and it is new to me so I do need to stop thinking about how much I don't want the kids to keep wanting me and lay down some proper 'rules' and plans for the weekends. I really appreciate everyone's input, and hopefully can work this one out. Thank you all.

Ime the first 3 months of a new job are usually hell. If you are still finding it difficult to manage at home after that then I would think a trip to the GP is worthwhile. You might be suffering from depression.

As others have said it is perfectly reasonable to want time to yourself when you are at home but at the moment it seems as if you want all your time to yourself. That isn't normal behaviour. Has your eldest left home recently? I imagine having a 19 yr old around the house must have been pretty handy for helping with childcare so you may be missing that too.

I don't "play" with DS (though I do sometimes do some lego, is strangely satisfying).

He entertains himself about the place, we do go out sometimes and when we go to the park he runs off and I have often picked up a coffee and taken the newspaper/books. Is this an option?

Would go mental if I had to play little kid games constantly.

Coolma - I think the only advice that I can give you is to try to look at the whole situation in a different light.
You are part of a family and you all deserve to be happy - that includes both you, your DH and your children.
You want some time at the weekend as you don't get much in the week.
Your children want some of YOUR time at the weekend as they they don't get much in the week.
You have a 19 yr old - surely she could help out and let you and DH have a night out or an afternoon off occasionally?
The children are yours and your husbands responsibility so ground rules need to be set with him.
Your children must be in bed fairly early each evening so make the evenings count too. Plenty of time for book reading etc then surely.
So long as when your younger children grow up and leave home you can have no regrets about their childhood and how you dealt with the situation you had - then all will be good.
You did ask AIBU - and I have to say that yes I think you are - but I think to a point you know that already - but the situation is manageable if you want it to be.
Even though I do think YABU I wish you lots of luck and hope things start to get easier for you soon.

I do what Morloth does. I'm not great at playing with my children. And I wasn't when I didn't work either. I have no problem finding time to read a book and drink coffee at weekends, while the DC get on with whatever they're doing. And I take DD (5)especially out with me, and we have a coffee and I read the paper and she colours or something like that. My children like me being there, and I mostly like them being there. I just don't really do children's games.

I really dislike 'playing' as in crawling round on the floor, pretending to be a robot etc. What helps is doing stuff I enjoy and find relaxing with the DCs. For DS1 (4.3) I love cuisinaire rods , board games, simple card games. I have also started reading the paper together with him. He is actually really interested in learning about what is going on in the world and particularly enjoys the gadget and motoring sections!

With DS2 (18mo), I enjoy going for walks with him in the buggy, dancing and listening to music.

I think that it is important to invite your children into your world - as well as enter theirs.

Is there a way in which you could compromise and do something you could all enjoy on the weekend. Going swimming, going out to a park or a museum? Being with your children doesn't have to mean playing wiht them.

I am a SAHM with three DC and I have to say I am not the get-on-the-floor-and-play tyoe at all. It bores me to tears. I practise benign neglect- tat my kids are told thhrough boredom comes creativity

So I let them make mess (paint themselves blue, build an adventure playground in the sitting room, whatever..) as long as they leave me to get on with things.

So sit down with a book and a coffee and tell DCs rhey will have to amuse themselves. Give them the tools to do that and don't complain when they make a mess.

It must be really hard to work ft and not be able to relax at the weekend - can't you claim sun/sat morn as your time and do the things you need to do to get in a better frame of mind for the kids?

There's no point martyring yourself, just claim some time for yourself and enjoy it.

Our eldest has recently left home - she went to Spain to work but came back a while ago. She's now living in a shared house and working and I really don't like to ask her for help - although every now and then she will. Definitely need the ground rules though - will make time to sit dwn with them all I think. Dd is almolst 4 so she will understand basic rules I suppose. I hope i don;t get to the stage where they've left and I regret my behaviour . I did that with dd1 - was an alcoholic single mum (DM fodder or what )and have hated myself since then for some of the things I did in her childhood. Perhaps that's why I feel so awful about the way I am at the moment?

I think we all have times when we just don't want to do it.
What's important is that you still do it. A glad heart is not strictly necessary

oh coolma we have all made mistakes, and alcoholism is an illness - you weren't in control of your behaviour. You have moved on and created a happy home for your children. It sounds like your dd is a dynamic and successful person (I don't think I could have managed to work abroad at her age!)

I'm not normally one to suggest this - but perhaps you would benefit from talking through some of this with a counsellor? In the meantime, there are loads of good ideas and reassurance on this thread (may adopt some of them myself...)

Based on your back story I really would make an appointment with the GP to talk through what help and support is available for you. Also I hope you can speak to your dh about how you are feeling.

I've been though a lot of counselling, anti- d's, depression etc, and really feel that it's behind me now. I was very ill to be honest a while ago. That's what stopped me drinking and made me really try to sort my life out. It terrifies me that it might ever come back. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. On a very positive note, ihave had two hours 'out' tonight!! Went swimming and relapsed in sauna, then sat in the gym bar with a coffee and got a load of work done for tomorrow, which meant I came home happy to sit with dd at bedtime and not threaten to batter ds when he was playing diddly diddly twang twang games on the pc . Hopefully, things will be better now. At times, I really regretted posting this, but the advice has been lovely. Thank you all. x

I would keep a diary of how you are feeling and whether there are any particular trigger points. It is important to ensure that you stay well based on what you have been through before. Keeping a diary will help you identify if there is anything that reminds you of previous feelings/issues and you can seek help at that stage rather than letting things deteriorate. Good luck.

What a truly awful comment from Moondog. I think it is so sad when people have so little imagination as to not be able to understand how someone in your situation is feeling - it makes them very small-minded, unfortunately.

Coolma, it is understandable that someone having almost no time to be their own person, feels the way you do. Working full time and feeling responsible for entertaining your kids at all other times is exhausting anyway, then when they're in bed it tends to be clearing up/preparing for next day/making lunches or whatever. It leaves very little time for you to re-charge; and it's cumulative - the longer you have this routine, the more exhausted and strung out and thinly-stretched you get.

Kids ARE demanding; therefore, feeling like that, it is not surprising you would crave time without entertaining them etc.

I think the thing is to be assertive with the situation. As others have said, your children do not need you to be the entertainer in chief; and while a child may protest if you say "I've played for a while, now I need a break" that does not mean you are wrong to say that. And yes it does give kids alot to play together/entertain themselves.

Also, TAKE that time to yourself now and again, an hour or two is not going to hurt anyone. Make your DH help, even if he's not 100% well - it won't kill him either

One thing I have learnt (to my cost) is that your man and your kids will 'use you up' if you let them. Only you can set the limits, and carve out a bit of life for you. And that is not a bad thing in any way, to want to do!