To absolutley NOT want to spend Sunday entertaining my children?

[coolma]

I feel rubbish about this, but I am sooooo fed up. Dh ill upstairs (and he really is, he's normally all over the place on a sunday...) ds9 upstairs on his ps and dd3 has taken all the dining rooms chairs in the front room to make a castle which she wants me to sit in.. All I want to do is sit down with a book and a coffee, then go to the gym to relax for a while. I'm seriously getting stressed with the house being a tip and failing to keep on top of it. Ironing, clothes for tomorrow, messy rooms etc etc.. Every Friday I dread the next two days as I really don;t want to be 'playing' with the children on my weekends off. I have a stressful job (God I wish I could go part tiem but that's impossible) and need the break. We aren't in a position to 'get out' together for an evening, let alone have one of those 'weekend breaks away' that agony aunt type people smugly suggest and I am, actually, going mad!!
Is this hideously unreasonable, or reasonably normal? Just read this back and I sound awful

I kind of think YABU. You probably need help. Everyone needs me time but to dread your days off and want to spend them drinking coffee, reading books and going to the gym when you chose to have children is quite selfish IMHO.

I feel guilty for working all week as I'd love to spend time with my DS and when the weekend comes, I love to spend time with him and DH. Obviously I need some me time SOMETIMES but not all the time.

yanbu, I'm on mat leave at the mo and don't feel like this so much as on the 3 days when dd(3) is at nusery and I'm alone with ds(8weeks) he has his naps and I can pop out for coffee/me time once a day, it's great!

However when I was working it was a different story, worked 4 days a week which essentially meant doing 5 days work in 4 for 80% of the pay in a highly stressful job (CAMHS) on my day "off" i was with dd just the 2 of us and weekends spent doing child centred activities, thought I would go mad!!

I too don't remember my mum entertaining us the whole time, I happily entertained myself as was expected but know my parents were still there for me. I've had to train dd to do this and it's been hard work but worth it as she naturally wants our company all the time but this modern parenting notion of playing with our children constantly is setting us and them up to fail. Children need to be able to occupy themselves, everyone in the family has needs it shouldn't all be totally focussed on the children.

Now at the weekend we do 1 "out" acitivity with dd such as park/cafe/friends house/event/swimming/dance class etc. Then I do 2 hours a day play/activity with her in addition e.g. painting/baking/planting/play doh. The rest of the time she's expected to play by herself e.g. mainly make believe with her dolls. I will sometimes gear her towards something such as colouring/plasticine if she's struggling and beginning to whinge but I rarely play shop keeper/babies etc. with her. that's what she has toys for. I mentally just cannot do it, it's too boring. She also has 1 hour of tv a day.

playing with children constantly inhibits their creative development and affects their ability to use their own imaginations, they also need their own "me" time away from adult intrusion/direction.

I have a friend who from day one had played with her dcs constanrly in a really contrived over-enthusiastic way. I think she thinks it makes her a good mother. When she's here she won't leave them to play together we have to do stuff with them, arghhh drives me nuts! just leave them to do their own thing!

Sorry to rant but it's something I really feel strongly about. Just ignore those "why did you bother having children then" posts. Some of us have a life/identity outside of our children. Every mum working or otherwise needs some time to themselves at the weekend.

Blimey! I seem to have pissed some people off big time I don't want to spend the entire weekend at the gym - I'm not that fit! Or sitting reading - they were just two things I fancied doing today - for some of the day!! It is the fact, as some of you have pointed out that we don't get any time away from work/children/stress that goes with all that AT ALL. I was off work sick last week and it was, apart from feeling like shit, absolute bliss for a day or so. Just to know I didn't have to be on call constantly ( although was worried that would get a call from school/nyrsery ) DS is brilliant with dd I must say - he will play happily with her if I look like I'm getting twitchy, but it doesn't stop the fact that they are constantly here. On a Friday night, we all go to the gym together - and go in the swimming pool which is nice, and saturdays ds does play football, so I'm not denying them activities. Oh I don't know. I really appreciate all your comments - and I will try to ignore the unpleasant ones.

minx that's pro-active parenting! We too have things that they can look forward to each weekend ( I look forward to them too) and periods of time when they are asked to use a bit of initiative... these are the times when I love to just watch from a way off, I love how they play together!
BUT... the OP has a 9 yr old and a 3yr old (?) so they have very different needs.
coolma my best strategy when mine were younger was letting them 'do my hair' when I needed some peace. I could happily read as they did it ( one on each side... plenty of hair bobbles/slides etc) and it was strangely relaxing!!

coolma - you said nothing wrong imo. I take my hat off to you for all you do. I gather you have no extra support in form of family, (perhaps i am wrong)i know what that is like.

Thank you . No, we have no-one around - well my mum is but she's 80 and, although fairly sprightly, I wouldn't leave them with her - for her sake!! We're older than the average family too I guess, so know no-one with small children either

I think Oblomov has got it absolutely right.

When did it become a children's universe in which parents must hover anxiously at their beck and call, lest the little gods and goddesses become bored or (god forbid) spend time alone?

I'm a lone parent too and work atm at an incredibly demanding job. I'm having to give it up due to divorce issues, but I know what I find less stressful than solo childcare for a 6 and 2 year old, and it is work!! When I am at home with the boys I am going to be LONGING for the time when they're both at school/nursery and i can have a coffee in peace and do some reading/writing. Why on earth not?? I love them and enjoy their company, but NOT ALL THE TIME and especially not for 12 hours when I'm so knackered out and stressed I actually just want to stay in bed watching Dexter dvds all Saturday then possibly get up on Sunday and go for coffee before going back to bed, etc.

coolma everyone feels like this some days. I know that sometimes I just feel like I want to sit somewhere peaceful and not have toys and books pushed in my face every 5 minutes!.
What I normally do is set up some sort of activity (sticking or drawing etc) then leave them to it on the table while I sit on the other side of the room for half an hour just reading a book or browsing online or whatever would relax me!.

I cant imagine how hard it is too work fulltime and then come home and do all of the housework and childcare or top of that and so give yourself a break I am sure your kids will be fine entertaining themselves for a while - it does them good

Coolma yanbu. You simply sound burnt out and need some time to yourself, that is not a crime. Everybody needs to recharge their batteries and you are not getting to do that. As someone else said it is a treadmill. My DH and I are in a similar position (bloody recession). You probably need to do what I need to do and that is sit down and have a long chat with my dh about how to manage our time. I end up satying up till past midnight most nights to get some me time but that is an appaling solution.

One thing I have been doing at weekends is taking one of my dcs to a coffee shop, buying us both a little treat and playing a nice simple card game with them. Its a special bit of time they get with me and when I get home they are happy to run off and play by themselves for a tiny while. I know for a fact that I love my dcs more than anything but like you and everyone else on the planet I need time to myself. You just have to find a way to get it.

agree with minx - mine do the coolest things when they play on their own.

coolma - I used to do "mummy breaks". As long as there was tea/coffee in my mug, I was on a break. Its amazing how long one cup of tea can last whilst reading....They got very good at coming to where I was, looking in the cup, then going if it still had something in it

Coolma- we're kind of in the same boat and I think if I'd got what you were trying to say in the beginning then I wouldn't have said YABU as you obviously just meant today. Or sometimes. I work all the time too and sometimes it is nice to just go for a poo to get some time to chill with own thoughts!! Your OP seems like you mean all the time.

Totally do you really get to go for a poo on your own? you have it good . One day I shall get to go to the toilet without my one year tearing the paper off, chucking soap about and pulling the light switch on and off repeatedly while my other dcs knock on the door calling "mummeeeeeeee... I need....". Ah a girl can dream of a poo on her own.

I do dread every weekend! So it is really all the time, but usually I get on with it. Today, I'd really had enough and wanted to know if I was alone in feeling so shit about it all

Maybe if you had a bit of both you wouldn't feel like it all the time though IYSWIM. Some time to your self every couple of weekends would mean when you don't have time to yourself, you're not as het up.

Bikini- strangely I do. I have a weird phobia where no one can be outside the door or I can't go so I have to make sure I get some poop-time

I'm not a parent but I've seen all of my employers, past and present, struggle at the weekends with the fact there's not enough hours in the weekend to have fun with the kids, get everything done, and have some precious "me" time too. I think it's perfectly normal and nothing to feel guilty about. You're a person as well as a parent and why shouldn't that aspect of your identity be nurtured too? Let the kids amuse themselves for one hour, set the egg or oven timer, and say you are not to be disturbed til the bell goes off. If an hour is too long to start with have shorter chunks. It won't hurt your kids to learn that sometimes you need to be alone. On weekends my mum sent all of us up to our rooms for an hour after lunch and she vegged out on the couch and read, and was a much happier person for the rest of the day!

'playing with children constantly inhibits their creative development and affects their ability to use their own imaginations, they also need their own "me" time away from adult intrusion/direction.'

I agree with minx-you may think that constantly playing with your DCs, in case they utter the dreaded words 'I'm bored', is being a good mother, but boredom is highly creative. It is like everything-you need a happy medium.

I'm going to steal your idea purpleduck, I like the "mummy break" cup of tea.

Me too

Coolma - YANBU to feel like this as a once or twice off but if you feel like this EVERY weekend, something has got to give. Can't you see if DH will have the older one next Saturday so you get to go off and do something 'fun' with just your little one ? - doesn't have to cost anything and shouldn't feel like you are having to entertain her. Then time for a serious chat with DH about your options - you sound so miserable - life is way to short to dread weekends so much

YABU and YANBU

I am in a funny place right now as work FT, so try and devote my weekend to DS, recently spent time with my Mum who seems to think I am too child centred!!!! that well pissed me off......

But in parallel you sound KNACKERED and thats is whats behind you post I think.I am sure you love them very very much

Bit its quite sad that you dread weekends, and if I were you I'd re-read what you said and seriously think what can you do to lighten the load a bit?

Cleaning lady? send washing to a service wash? More ready made meals? Order in? Book some family trips that everyone will enjoy? fuck knows I am no expert but even if you do a tiny bit of stuff each night it frees up the weekend

Whenever I get down and tired I think of all my mates that cant have kids for whatever reasons

I am so not caning you, but I do think you need to change something and free up your time maybe?

How utterly bizarre.
Away from them all week and yet resenting being with them.
Why did you not just opt for sterilisation all those years ago?

I just wrote a really long post to MoondAg, but vile bitchy comments like that really aren't worth the effort. However,MD, if your aim was to make me and everyone else on here who sometimes feels very tired and perhaps needs a bit of a break, like shit, you've surpassed yourself. Well done love.

thing is coolma, feeling like that every now and then is one thing and I think everyone goes through stages when they work full time when they are v tired and fed up and feel like they need a break - so I would say that was reasonably normal.

But feeling like that every weekend, dreading every weekend is sad and I don't think that's reasonably normal (if I'm being perfectly honest).

Are you stuck in a rut? Could you speak to a close friend who could be a bit ruthless with you and try and help you out with what's going on/wrong?

I mean, I think that situation must be unsustainable for you - it sounds pretty miserable being stressed all week and then feeling miserable about the weekend too. I always say to dh that you can cope with a stressful job as long as your home life isn't stressing you out too! But put both together and something will break!