To feel hurt, and say so, because dp has just returned his birthday present

[Morosky]

Dp has always made a huge fuss of me on birthdays and Christmases, he does not like people making a fuss of him and never asks for anything.

However we had a row some times ago when he said that he feels like he is always doing things for other people and they never do anything for him.

He needs some new cufflinks so I bought him some from the jewellers, they were £60 so not cheap novelty ones but not expensive either. We will not miss the money.

I gave them to him and he immediately asked if they cost more than £10, they clearly did. He said he thought it was a waste of money an immediately returned them to the shop.

I was very upset and told him , I perhaps overreacted as I burst into tears He then snapped at me and said that it was his birthday and why should he keep something he did not want and that he could never do right,

Part of me thinks I am overreacting and I should say sorry, it is his birthday and I should respect the fact he does not like getting presents that cost more than about £10=£20. You buy someone something that they want not what makes you feel like a nice person.

But on the other hand I do feel as if I am never allowed to do something nice for him, we like to spoil those we love - as he does me. I don't think the gift was extravagant and he has said recently that he needs cufflinks. I think he should have just said thankyou - even if on the inside he was thinking I hate these cufflinks.

YANBU - are you married to that Doc Martin offa the telly? sounds like something he would do.

I think he was very rude. How upsetting for you.

I've always thought it was rude to return a gift, unless it is the wrong size or something. It shouldn't matter if he didn't like them, the fact is that you chose them specially for him. That should be enough.

Is Doc Martin the Martin Clunes guy? I don't watch it.

He said it would have been fine if I had bought something practical but to spend £60 on an item of jewellery when I could have spent £10 was daft and a waste of money.

Rude and graceless

Think I would feel the same Morosky, poor you - there's no right or wrong here I guess, it's just his preference, but I would have been hurt, esp if my DP had a go at me about being upset. I'd want to ask how come it's ok for him to buy expensive pressies and spoil me but I can't do the same for him.
Ah well, treat yourself to something nice with the money!

I think he is being a bit selfish, as you say he makes a fuss of you on special days, but is denying you the same pleasure. Surely being together is all about doing nice things for each other every so often.

Is here some reason why he gets uncomfortable about receiving birthday presents?

By the way I think it was rude and unkind to return your gift.

The thing is, he said he liked them! I chose ones I knew he would like as they looked like the ones he had lost but they were silver instead so cost more.

He just said he does not want me spending our money on him.

How rude!

Tell him to stop fucking moaning - which way does he want it, people spoiling him and doing things for him, or no effort?

I guess he enjoys being the martyr.

I have been a bit unreasonable as I totally overreacted and told him to return them but not expect a gift again from me.

I just don't get why it is OK to spend our money on me or on dd but not him.

I don't think you were unreasonable to say that. He was extremely rude to you, if I had been in your situation there would have been swearing.

I said to him that he enjoys being a martyr and that he likes to think he is the good person as he spoils everyone else but won't let people do it to him.

It did not go down well.

I had better stop sulking an go down and make the peace.

I did swear dd also told him he was being rude.

You have every right to feel hurt. I would. Regardless of whether he liked them or not, he could have handled the situation with some sensitivity eg. "...cufflinks! you remembered me saying I needed some, that's really thoughtful. They're not really my style, would you mind if we choose another pair together?".

YANBU at all.

Part of being a decent person is learning to appreciate other's efforts to be nice.

YANBU how rude! I wouldnt apologize if I were you it will set a pattern for the future he needs to see he was not behaving in an acceptable way.

Right in a slighly passive aggressive way, knowing that I am in the right , I am going to apologise and go down stairs, not least because I am missing the X factor

Next year give him a giant home made badge with his age on it, and a home made hat and make him wear them all day.

He has admitted that he needed cufflinks just not ones that cost £60 and if they had been cheaper they would have been fine.

He did ask earlier if he could have some aftershave for Christmas which I am sure would have been not far off that. SO I thought he would not have felt uncomfortable at me spending that much on cufflinks which IMO are more practical than aftershave.

kurri.

Oh well I am going to London next week, I will spend the money on myself.

Sounds like downright cockish behaviour, tbh. I would expect even my 7 year old to have enough respect and grace to say thank you for a gift, even if he didn't like it. He certainly wouldn't ask how much it cost. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel hurt.

This is what is daft Tidey, he really liked them he just didn't want to spend the money.

If he's so adamant about being the martyr, buy him Old Spice for Christmas.

Get him a couple of those string tags that you used to keep files closed - treasury tags I think they are called. Those would probably do the trick and are much cheaper.

lol OrmIrian, I am considering never buying him anything again.

I am sure I will calm down though.