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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt, and say so, because dp has just returned his birthday present

99 replies

Morosky · 21/11/2009 19:54

Dp has always made a huge fuss of me on birthdays and Christmases, he does not like people making a fuss of him and never asks for anything.

However we had a row some times ago when he said that he feels like he is always doing things for other people and they never do anything for him.

He needs some new cufflinks so I bought him some from the jewellers, they were £60 so not cheap novelty ones but not expensive either. We will not miss the money.

I gave them to him and he immediately asked if they cost more than £10, they clearly did. He said he thought it was a waste of money an immediately returned them to the shop.

I was very upset and told him , I perhaps overreacted as I burst into tears He then snapped at me and said that it was his birthday and why should he keep something he did not want and that he could never do right,

Part of me thinks I am overreacting and I should say sorry, it is his birthday and I should respect the fact he does not like getting presents that cost more than about £10=£20. You buy someone something that they want not what makes you feel like a nice person.

But on the other hand I do feel as if I am never allowed to do something nice for him, we like to spoil those we love - as he does me. I don't think the gift was extravagant and he has said recently that he needs cufflinks. I think he should have just said thankyou - even if on the inside he was thinking I hate these cufflinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 21:37

No I know I am not a cow I just feel like one, I was trying to do something nice but did not stop and think about how it would be received which is me all over really.

Starexpat I imagine that is exactly how it is, dp isn't stingy when it comes to other people but he is when it comes to himself.

It is just so hard to live with, so many people think I am a thoughtless spoilt cow because I have so much and he has nothing. For example he has one pair of smart shoes from tesco!, an a pair of trainers he bought in the sale. I have tonnes of shoes, many of which are expensive. I am known for having a lot of clothes, he only has a few will buy them as cheap as they can and will wear them until they have holes in and even then he will carry on!

OP posts:
StarExpat · 21/11/2009 21:43

AnnieL that is exactly the sort of gift I love to receive. Last year the parents of kids in my class (I'm a teacher) all pitched in and made a big donation to one of my favourite very important charities in my name instead of a material gift. I don't feel as horrible receiving these because they are giving for someone else and a greater good more than just to me iyswim.
Morosky, maybe dp would respond to a gift like that?
annieL do you still give dp gifts like that?

StarExpat · 21/11/2009 21:44

morosky dh is exactly like this with clothes and shoes maybe they are brothers?

AnnieLobeseder · 21/11/2009 21:48

Ah, but StarExpat, he didn't like the tree in Africa either. The man can find fault with anything!

JANEITEisntErudite · 21/11/2009 21:48

My dp sounds v like yours. He buys me lovely presents for Christmas and birthdays but wants v little for himself, other than some books, CDs and DVDs every now and then.

I buy plenty of clothes, whereas he waits until something is falling apart and then replaces it with something as nearly identical as possible! He would not have been at all impressed by expensive cufflinks a) because he would have thought it was frivolous and b) because he would have thought it wasn't worth spending that much if he could have got some for a tenner.

Your dp didn't handle it well and was rude but he if he had said he didn't want expensive ones then perhaps that was what he meant.

So neither of you are being totally unreasonable and you are not being a cow - but neither has he been as vile as others earlier in the thread have pronounced! It sounds like wine and choc time and cuddles all round>

AnnieLobeseder · 21/11/2009 21:49

And no, it was just a one-off to show him how pissed off I am at his complete lack of gratitude.

StarExpat · 21/11/2009 21:53

AnnieL -I'd be even more pissed off that he wasn't gracious for the tree!

morosky - while I do understand sort of where he's coming from, he still didn't handle the situation nicely. At all. I think most men have social problems. Not all. But most. my dh included.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:04

He hadn't said he didn't want expensive ones He does just generally not like money being spent on him, he has never quantified an amount but I have noticed he tends to ask for things that are under twenty pound. But we have had a few testing financial years so I thought that now money is comfortable that £60 was not a lot of money. He spends hundreds on me, even when money was tight.

Infact I am late getting him a present as we are in the middle of nowhere and don;t drive so I needed to be able to get him or someone else to give me a lift into the nearest town. He did say the other day I thought you might have got me some cufflinks as you know I need them.

When I didn;t have a present for him on his birthday he was visibly upset. He also has no family to get him a card or present and is no longer in an office so I am really the only person to get him a gift so I wanted it to be a nice one. I also know is not a showy person so wanted to get him a plain pair of cufflinks, the cheaper ones were all gimmicky and show offy. But Janeite he did say the same as you word for word why pay £60 when they had some for £10?

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Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:08

Annie that would serously piss me off as well.

I tell you what else has just occured to me we are planning our wedding. I do not want to spend any unecessary money at all. I would rather go to a registry office and have a small do or ideally something on our own. He woul rather spend a lot of money on a big do.

He is the same with dd, he wants to spend tens of thousands a year on school fees when I do not, yet £60 is an issue.

I give up.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/11/2009 22:15

YANBU how rude! For his next birthday dont buy him anything, or just give him a card. Ok he did not want you to spend much, but his reaction was unacceptable.

KurriKurri · 21/11/2009 22:19

Sounds as if he wants to 'get you back' for want of a better phrase for being late. He asked for cufflinks, was upset when you didn't give them to him on the day, and is saying 'I don't want them now'.

Without getting into whether you should or shouldn't have been late with his present (I personally think an adult should be able to wait for gifts as long as birthday good wishes are offered), he's being a bit silly.

What is the rule here? he can buy whatever he wants whenever he wants for others, you are made to feel awful for buying him a gift.

Is he rude if your DD gives him a gift? if not maybe you should go for a joint present in future (if you feel like giving him one next year that is!)

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:23

He would never be rude to dd if she bought him a gift, but her gifts are always from her pocket money so they would never be more than about £5 anyway.

OP posts:
Cadelaide · 21/11/2009 22:27

Rude.

But if it's any consolation my DP's the same. I gave him summat or other recently, can't remember now, and he said "I told you you could get it for less than that", then he returned it. I too was upset.

He's just utterly crapola when it comes to his own birthday and, like yours, he has to be the "giver". I'm used to it now.

The answer is to just take, take take....

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:28

I do feel awful the present was late but the weekend before last I was miscarrying and last weekend quite understandably I was not up to shopping. I can't even remember last weekend it was something of a blur.

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StarExpat · 21/11/2009 22:30

You were miscarrying the weekend before last and he reacted this way to you? I am so sorry to hear about that
As I said before, most men lack social skills. Not sure why... they just can't empathise properly or well, just be normal!!

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:30

I know cadelaide but I feel a bitch just take take and taking and I know others feel the same about me. Infact sometimes he jokes when we are out look at morosky in her new outfit, she has so much you know and I have one pair of shoes. Sometimes I feel like reaching over the table and ramming ten pound notes down his throat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:31

I am sure starexpat that he is also upset and that is why he reacted in this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:32

I am doing AIBU by stealth now which I hate, sorry. It just was not relevant before.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 21/11/2009 22:32

yes true. Sorry that was insensitive.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:35

No worries I would think the same.

No point dwelling on it I suppose.

OP posts:
nooka · 21/11/2009 22:37

dh and I have similar issues about presents, and it has taken a while to be OK about the ways tat we are different. In my family presents are very carefully chosen, usually from a list of suggestions, and we are all pretty careful in Nov/Dec not to buy anything much so that money is spent on presents for each other and there is a nice sense of anticipation. In his family presents seem to be pretty random. When dh was growing up his parents were progressively doing better financially and as he is five years younger than his sisters there was a big deal about him getting much bigger presents for his age than his sisters did. I get the impression they frequently told him he was spoiled (and he probably was). So he really isn't terribly keen on presents. The result is that he has never made much of my birthday (and I don't need much, a nice meal and a small gift is fine) which upsets me, and then giving him presents is really tricky.

Now we are both a little more aware of what matters, and OK about giving "suggestions" things are much better. dh has stopped buying so much on the spur of the moment so that there is more anticipation, and I've got better at finding him what he needs. He understand that it's the gesture that really matters to me, and a nice meal more important than the "right" gift. We all do lists. This year I gave him twelve pairs of cheap socks and he was really delighted! For my birthday he made a lovely meal and gave me a book I wanted and I was very happy. I think that you just need to talk it through, make sure he knows you really enjoy giving, and understand the sorts of things he likes to receive.

I'd be worried if someone gave me something easy to lose that was a bit expensive - might that have been part of the issue? Or does he need to learn not to ask about price perhaps?

StarExpat · 21/11/2009 22:39

ohhh dh does this to me when in public. the whole "she has 10 pair of shoes and I have 2" thing. Which isn't even really truthful, well, a little, as he doesn't ever get new of anything unless he really desperately needs it. I don't have a crazy amount of anything, nor are we well off by any stretch of the imagination!

nooka · 21/11/2009 22:40

On the you having lots of clothes and him having none, perhaps he gets more enjoyment from seeing you look great than having nice things himself? I've always felt that way about buying clothes for my children. I don't really pay much attention to my clothes, because I don't really see them, but my children looking lovely I can admire all day

Ingles2 · 21/11/2009 22:43

IMO he has a martyr complex Morosky...
He will give give give but never take,,,but somehow will always manage to mention it,...no b'day present, no clothes,no whatever and then you'll feel all guilty and grateful because he went to such and effort for you.
My dad was exactly the same, buy him that oxfam present and when he mentions he has no clothes, remind him he is an adult and more than capable of buying himself some.

KurriKurri · 21/11/2009 22:43

Morosky, so sorry about your mc, obviously a very difficult time for both of you, best wishes to you and your DH. Maybe the whole episode should be wrapped up and put in the box marked 'silly things we said and did when we were upset'. (but do think about my badge idea for next time)