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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt, and say so, because dp has just returned his birthday present

99 replies

Morosky · 21/11/2009 19:54

Dp has always made a huge fuss of me on birthdays and Christmases, he does not like people making a fuss of him and never asks for anything.

However we had a row some times ago when he said that he feels like he is always doing things for other people and they never do anything for him.

He needs some new cufflinks so I bought him some from the jewellers, they were £60 so not cheap novelty ones but not expensive either. We will not miss the money.

I gave them to him and he immediately asked if they cost more than £10, they clearly did. He said he thought it was a waste of money an immediately returned them to the shop.

I was very upset and told him , I perhaps overreacted as I burst into tears He then snapped at me and said that it was his birthday and why should he keep something he did not want and that he could never do right,

Part of me thinks I am overreacting and I should say sorry, it is his birthday and I should respect the fact he does not like getting presents that cost more than about £10=£20. You buy someone something that they want not what makes you feel like a nice person.

But on the other hand I do feel as if I am never allowed to do something nice for him, we like to spoil those we love - as he does me. I don't think the gift was extravagant and he has said recently that he needs cufflinks. I think he should have just said thankyou - even if on the inside he was thinking I hate these cufflinks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:46

Maybe nooka, he does think I am a total Goddess i do just have a reputation for being a pampered princess who does not deserve her man, I laugh it odd but it does hurt a little.

He did also mention losing the cufflinks.

I suppose I joke about dd having as many pairs of shoes as me and I don't mean anything by it.

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Original poster

Morosky · 21/11/2009 22:47

Thankyou people for taking time to talk to me, it has stopped me saying something silly to dp that I would really regret.

A nice AIBU thead, see it happens

OP posts:

letsblowthistacostand · 22/11/2009 00:16

Could it be that he likes to be given to in a different way? I think this is a bit sappy but it could be helpful:

www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Juillet · 22/11/2009 07:23

Blimey. That does put a different shine on things. I am so sorry that you have been through a miscarriage

I was going to say it has probably brought out his most frightened and angry side - but he should absolutely NOT be taking that out on you and making you feel worse.

It also disturbs me to hear that he will show you up in public like that. That's not on at all IN private to say he doesn't want money spent on him, all very well, but to then make sure everyone thinks you are selfish and have so much and he gets nothing, well that's mean and unfair.

It's also mildly abusive.
Though I am sure most people would just be about it as when men do this in front of me, I can see through it straight away - sometimes it is just thoughtless, other times they are actually very angry underneath, usually with their mother - so any 'woman' they are with, they think they have to show her up too.

The more you tell us the more I am convinced this man needs some serious counselling or therapy.

I hope you feel OK this morning x

StarExpat · 22/11/2009 07:25

I don't like to argue or make enemies, but I'm really unhappy with the idea of buying an oxfam present as teaching someone a lesson or so they will be grateful for a "real" present
I usually give these when I can afford to, because it's such a good feeling all around that we've given money to a community to help them buy school supplies or a goat...etc. which is desperately needed instead of spending the same money on material presents...
Maybe I'm all alone on this one??

StarExpat · 22/11/2009 07:28

sorry just realized that was a bit of a thread hijack - just didn't want to start another thread on it as it would then be a thread on a thread and that seemed wrong, too.

I do hope things have settled for you and DH Morosky this morning. I agree with Julliett. He needs counselling for some deep underlying issues.

TotalChaos · 22/11/2009 08:31

"so many people think I am a thoughtless spoilt cow because I have so much and he has nothing. "

this bit of your post concerns me - how did this situation arise - does he tell you that people think you are a "thoughtless spoilt cow"? or does he go on about it so much to others that you feel they have a bad impression of you?

thesecondcoming · 22/11/2009 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ingles2 · 22/11/2009 09:52

yes, but does dh comment on public on what you have and he doesn't?
That kind of comment is aimed to humiliate

PuppyMonkey · 22/11/2009 10:00

I too have a DP who is a bit like this. And tbh I would NEVER have told him the correct price. I would have pretended I got them cheap.

thesecondcoming · 22/11/2009 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skihorse · 22/11/2009 10:13

YABU - but you are obviously a sweet person.

But it's no surprise to you that he doesn't like expensive gifts so you shouldn't be surprised that he doesn't like the gift.

diddl · 22/11/2009 10:35

What does he mean by others never doing anything for him, though?

Original poster

Morosky · 22/11/2009 12:43

Yes he does say in front of other people that I have a lot and he has very little, I think tbh it is his humour.

I did think of not telling him the real price but I didn't see why I as an adult should like to another adult. We also have access to each others accounts online so he would see it was a lie.

I have asked him what he means by people never doing anything for him and he does not clarify. But he does not allow me to anything really, he is a really fussy eater so if I make him breakfast in bed, or a cake or a surprise dinner it is often not right and it is easier to do something for himself. He hates surprises, if I even pick him up a book as a surprise from a charity shop I can see him feeling uncomfortable. He does the whole "you shouldn't spend money on me" routine. I have booked him tickets for a show in December and I had to sell it to him as a treat for dd. Two years ago we were going with friends and family to London for a weekend and he pulled out as again, he didn't want money spending on him, even though it visibly upset me. This morning I tried to get up early to tidy the house so he did not have to do it, he made a fuss and sent me back to bed so he could then get up and do it.

But he is always doing things for me and people notice, I heard some colleagues at work this week joking about the fact I must be great in bed as they couldn't work out why dp puts up with me as he does so much for me, and I do so little. Countless people tell me how lucky I am to have him, never ever have I heard anyone say to dp, you are lucky to have that woman.

Skihorse I genuinely did not think they were expensive, I guess our definitions are different. I just think I am not going to buy him presents again tbh.

We have been to counselling togetherand looked at all of this.

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Original poster

Morosky · 22/11/2009 12:44

should lie to another adult.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 22/11/2009 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Morosky · 22/11/2009 13:31

I am happy, but perhaps understandably at the moment the whole world looks a little dark.

The not being allowed to do anything for dp does bug me, but it is one part of our relationship.

We do get on very well otherwise, we have had a serious rocky patch which was prompted by a series of outside stressed. We knew we wanted to sort it and went to counselling. We are now usually one of those smug, content, finish each others sentences shag twice a day couples.

I am great in bed

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purpleduck · 22/11/2009 13:33

He was rude, and it seems like he has a kind of a passive agressive/ controlling thing going on.

I would be tempted to buy him one of those cologne/ cheapo cufflink sets for christmas. Or get him the same ones again....

Original poster

Morosky · 22/11/2009 13:36

at the same cufflinks.

I feel so sorry for the jeweller, it was a small jewellery store in a market town , the rain and wind were awful. When I walked in he was so chuffed to see me and practically orgasmed on the spot when I bought the cufflinks, I suspect I was his customer for the day. Then dp returned them with the hour.

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TotalChaos · 22/11/2009 21:06

do you both work at the same place? just curious as to how a situation arises where your colleagues are saying how much your DH does?

MsHighwater · 22/11/2009 21:25

I do hope that, when he comments in public about how much you have compared to how litte he has, that you point out that as soon as you did buy him something lovely he returned it. That kind of "humour" is not on, surely? Not when it humiliates his partner in front of other people - which is what it sounds like.

I find some of your comments about how he behaves quite disturbing, tbh. I can't make up my mind whether it's more passive aggressive or suggestive of low self-esteem on his part (e.g. "I'm not worth spending money on").

Original poster

Morosky · 22/11/2009 21:28

Dp often comes into work and we socialise out of work, so they know him.

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morethanithot · 22/11/2009 21:29

YANBU, and don't give up being generous to him. someday, he'll feel able to accept and enjoy what you give him.
coming a bit late to this, but i'm struck by his comment that he's always doing things for other people etc. does he feel put on generally? might be worth asking him if he does, and if he feels that he is obliged to be nice to others.

Original poster

Morosky · 22/11/2009 21:33

He is just naturally a giving person, he is like that with anyone, not just me.

I think at the moment he feels put on as he is getting used to combining working from home part time to being almost a full time SAHP to dd. It can be a thankless task as you are always running around after someone else and yet there are no pay rises, promotions or performance appraisals. We did look a while ago at him going back to work in an office full time but as we hope to have a baby at some point he is going to have to be at home, so it is not practical.

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