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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt, and say so, because dp has just returned his birthday present

99 replies

Morosky · 21/11/2009 19:54

Dp has always made a huge fuss of me on birthdays and Christmases, he does not like people making a fuss of him and never asks for anything.

However we had a row some times ago when he said that he feels like he is always doing things for other people and they never do anything for him.

He needs some new cufflinks so I bought him some from the jewellers, they were £60 so not cheap novelty ones but not expensive either. We will not miss the money.

I gave them to him and he immediately asked if they cost more than £10, they clearly did. He said he thought it was a waste of money an immediately returned them to the shop.

I was very upset and told him , I perhaps overreacted as I burst into tears He then snapped at me and said that it was his birthday and why should he keep something he did not want and that he could never do right,

Part of me thinks I am overreacting and I should say sorry, it is his birthday and I should respect the fact he does not like getting presents that cost more than about £10=£20. You buy someone something that they want not what makes you feel like a nice person.

But on the other hand I do feel as if I am never allowed to do something nice for him, we like to spoil those we love - as he does me. I don't think the gift was extravagant and he has said recently that he needs cufflinks. I think he should have just said thankyou - even if on the inside he was thinking I hate these cufflinks.

OP posts:
Juillet · 21/11/2009 20:16

Ok can I inject a note of -er not sure what, but anyway...

I think he behaved rudely, and nothing excuses that, BUT I can understand the reasons, perhaps.

I feel terrible receiving presents, and it doesn't matter if i like them or not - it makes me feel weirdly angry. I don't know why. I like spoiling other people but can't stand being bought stuff.

I have a feeling that birthdays and presents can bring up very powerful feelings from childhood, and this is probably what caused him to be like that/such an arse about it. Did his dad act like that about gifts? Was he taught that gifts were charity, maybe, or something similar...you need to sit down and have a proper talk about it.

Don't go off on one but equally do stand up for your right to be treated politely as he would anyone else.

Hope you can thrash out his reasons and work out a compromise.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 20:17

Right juillet dp has just left the room, are you him?

OP posts:
Tidey · 21/11/2009 20:17

Hmmm. So if all of the money belongs to both of you, why is he allowed to buy generous gifts but you are not? Or do you have your money that you spent on the gift? If the first is true, then he has no right telling you how much you can spend, and if the second is true, he shouldn't be taking back gifts that you paid for out of your own money.

YanknCock · 21/11/2009 20:18

How very weird and mannerless.

YANBU.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 20:19

Juillett dp is exactly like that, his childhood was a dysfunctional nightmare, maybe that is what it is about. I will talk to him but not tonight as it will end in a row and I want to watch the x factor.

OP posts:
Juillet · 21/11/2009 20:19

er

no, seriously I'm not but I do understand how irrational one can be over gifts. It's not that uncommon. Is he prepared to look within and find out why he went bonkers about a pair of cufflinks, and why he is more comfortable giving stuff?

It's really interesting. I have a potential boyfriend who is like that - always giving, it makes me and other people really uncomfortable as it's like he is trying to get something out of it but feck knows what. It's unsettling - why he does it I have no idea.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 20:20

We both have our own bank accounts but we see it as our money of that makes sense. We use each others accounts as our own. It was money from my bank account though.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 21/11/2009 20:22

You know he doesn't like having more than £10 or £20 spent on him so you bought some £60 cufflinks?

Whist he was unnecessarily rude and ungrateful, you shouldn't be surprised that he didn't want them really.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 20:22

Dp is exactly like that Juilett, he is in many ways the most thoughtful man ever, always full of romantic gestures and is always doing things for me. I am always being told how lucky I am. But he does not let anyone do anything for him and I can tell he feels uncomfortable if someone does.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 21/11/2009 20:23

I prefer to give than receive (erm... no not like that!). Much prefer it. And I sometimes find it hard to be a good givee - but it's an important thing to be able to do.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 20:25

I know SD which is why I asked if I was BU. I did look at the cheaper ones and they were not nice and he does need cufflinks. I wanted to get him some for double the price but did not.

OP posts:
Juillet · 21/11/2009 20:25

How sad.

Fwiw, for me it is I suspect anger because I never believed I was loved...so a gift which is meant to indicate/represent love, felt like a betrayal and a falsehood to me. i felt I was being tricked into thinking my family loved me when in fact they didn't really like me, and so I found it hurtful to be given things...iyswim.

Also my grandmother is and was a compulsive present giver/shopper but it isn't about YOU it's about HER and you get no say in it...she just buys and buys all the time.

It feels empty and also when you ask her not to do it, she ignores you...very strange and not the ieal ethic behind present giving.

People can get very odd about presents.

OrmIrian · 21/11/2009 20:28

juillet - my mum does that - give endlessly without much thought. But in her case I know it's because she was seriously short-changed in her childhood and it just makes me want to hug her.

PrincessToadstool · 21/11/2009 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 21/11/2009 20:36

I know I was flippant earlier, but I do understand that some people have issues around birthdays, but it is important to be able to receive graciously as well as give. I used to be terrible about receiving compliments of any sort e.g.

DH 'you look really nice in that outfit'
Me 'no I don't I look like a bag of spanners'

but it was low self esteem and insecurity, took me a while to realise how rude and unkind I was being to him.

I know some people can go OTT on the gift giving, but OP doesn't sound like that and its a shame that what should have been a nice gesture and a happy day ended with him being in a mood, and her being hurt.

Eve4Walle · 21/11/2009 20:41

My DH took back the watch I bought him for his birthday this year.

I was a little upset, but he didn't like it and it was £90 which is a lot of money to us, so I did respect his decidion.

YANBU though, because he was unnecessarily unkind to you IMHO.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 20:44

The money is the issue in that he does not like it being spent on him but is not the issue in that we need it

I just feel like I am never allowed to be the nice person. He does so much for me and I am never allowed to return that, whether it be in presents or just doing something thoughtful.

OP posts:
MaisieBean · 21/11/2009 20:53

YANBU - I also think that it is rude to return presents that people have taken the trouble and effort to choose for you. Yes, if they are the wrong size or something but other than that, it really should be the thought that counts!!

Juillet · 21/11/2009 21:07

Morosky I'd bet you almost anything that he has trust issues...he doesn't trust gestures, because the people that mattered to him as a child weren't trustworthy in ways he needed; hope that makes sense. It doesn't mean he doesn't trust YOU but it is a deep psychological memory he has relating to being given stuff I expect. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't trust you, but he probably would rather you showed your love in other ways.

Have a chat about it if you think he'll be receptive.

Original poster
Morosky · 21/11/2009 21:18

He totally has trust issues and it took him a long time to trust me tbh.

I now feel like a cow.

OP posts:
Juillet · 21/11/2009 21:22

No no you're no way a cow!!! sorry, so sorry, I was only trying to explain...even if he does have issues it isn't appropriate or fair or right for him to behave as he has done, and hurt you in this way.

I only meant you might do well to sort out the deeper issues with him, that way you can make a plan for future birthdays - remember there are two of you in this relationship and you have every right to have reacted how you did.

His behaviour was unkind and upsetting.
Hope you can sort it out.

KurriKurri · 21/11/2009 21:23

Oh Morosky, I'm sorry he has trust issues, but he was still rude and hurtful, you bought him a loving gift. You absolutely should not feel like a cow.

AnnieLobeseder · 21/11/2009 21:31

YANBU! My DH always finds fault with every present I buy him. He can never just say "thank you!" and appreciate the thought. Drives me mad! So a couple of years back I got him an Oxfam present - a tree for a plantation in Africa or something, and told him that since he never appreciates anything I give him, I got him something that someone else would appreciate instead!!

Seems to have worked - he doesn't find quite so many faults with what I get him now!

StarExpat · 21/11/2009 21:33

hmmm, it wasn't nice what he did. But I'm going to play devil's advocate here because I sort of understand. Maybe he doesn't realize how his reaction has been perceived. Maybe he thinks him saying he doesn't want you to spend a lot on him is him being generous in a way iyswim... well that came out wrong. I can't explain it! sorry

I feel almost embarrassed if DH spends a lot of money on me for anything. However, I find nothing wrong with spending whatever I want on him
I would never ever act as ungraciously (if that's a word!) as your dh did. That was very unkind of him. I'd accept and be so appreciative, but inside feel horrible that he wasted money on something material for me.
This isn't coming out the way I want... well, I'm tired and have the flu so I'll post it anyway. I love aibu boards

StarExpat · 21/11/2009 21:37

ok julliett explained it much better. I only read the first page
didn't realize there were 2! sorry

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