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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the teacher to praise my ds a little bit at parents evening

103 replies

witchwithallthetrimmings · 20/11/2009 11:42

I was really looking for her to say that he is a lovely bright happy boy that is showing signs of genius but did expect a little more than "he is doing fine". She did not say anything negative and told me that he is engaged with all the thing he is given to do but never once gave the impression that she actually liked him and he is lovely

OP posts:
Tortington · 20/11/2009 11:46

i notice this ia a teacher trend and only the really brilliant teachers who truly engage with the children give anybalance

once in secondary school the pe teacher just verbally assaulted me about dd.

which tbh was a bit of a surprise as she liked PE - so wasn't a PE shirker ( like me)

so i got annoyed ( and it takes a lot for me and personal confrontations) and said pointedly " Has she done anything nice worth mentioning this year?" then as a passive aggressive sweetner " she says how she likes your lessons and how she loves playing netball"

fuck me - a week later dd was on the netball team

LadyTeasmaid · 20/11/2009 11:47

erm....maybe it's cos you're his mummy you think all these things. She's got perhaps 20 other kids to teach. They can't all be the best behaved/brightest/funniest.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2009 11:49

Perhaps he's average?

Original poster
witchwithallthetrimmings · 20/11/2009 11:50

was not expecting her to say that he is the best. He is in my subjective opionion but that is by the by. What I was expecting was some suggestion that she actually liked him - not much to expect a teacher to like most of her class is it?

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 20/11/2009 11:54

Actually it is I think.

Don't push too hard, you might hear something you don't like.

racmac · 20/11/2009 11:55

Be grateful it wasnt negative

A teacher once told me my son would never set the world on fire - he was 6 ffs

your his mummy and can see how wonderful he is - do you really need other people to tell you

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/11/2009 11:56

Have you considered she may not like him? I know that my dd's music teacher doesn't like her, I don't know why but accept it. DD isn't too keen on the teacher, but it doesn't affect how Frau X teaches my dd so I can't be arsed to make an issue of it.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2009 11:56

What makes you think she doesn't like most of her class?

AgentZigzag · 20/11/2009 12:00

racmac 'A teacher once told me my son would never set the world on fire'

that must have been a struggle not to poke their eyes out with the play scissors! What a thing to say, you want a teacher to help your children fly (not literally of course lol) not put a downer on them at six.

OP, I'd just feel happy they didn't have anything negative to say, sounds like a good parents evening.

OrmIrian · 20/11/2009 12:00

Yes it is unreasonable to expect her to like all her class. It isn't in her job description. She is employed to teach them. if she can get on with them that's good, if she actually likes them that's great, but it's not essential.

Do you honestly like all the children you know? Now ask yourself that question if you imagine yourself in charge of 30 of them day in day out for a whole year!

After all parents evening is to let you know your sons progress not to tell you about what the teacher thinks of him personally.

Original poster
witchwithallthetrimmings · 20/11/2009 12:07

The school ds is at goes on and on about creating a happy enviroment and engaging with parents and says that they tell each child that they are special in their own way. This is one of the reasons why we chose it. I just did not get the impression that ds's teacher operated in this way

OP posts:
GrungeBlobPrimpants · 20/11/2009 12:10

I dont think you can expect a teacher to say he/she likes a child

Some do say that. Some don't. Some genuinely like your child, some don't. The feedback you've got sounds absolutely fine - she may well be a teacher who specifically doesn't want to say whether she likes him/he is lovely and there is good reason for this because her job is to report on his progress. In a class of 30, should a teacher say that to everyone? What if she said that to some parents and not all? Just imagine in the playground "Oh, Miss X said my little darling was an absolute star" whilst someone else is cowering "Oh bugger, she didn't say that about my dc"

It sounds normal. Relax. Is your ds hapy with school and with his teacher? If the answer is 'yes' then you have nothing to worry about

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/11/2009 12:11

TBH, I think you are reading a bit too much into what wasn't said. How many parents had she seen before you? Could she have been having a hard day? I know that my dd's grade one teacher was horribly shy and found speaking to parents really difficult (she was stunningly good with the children though). Maybe this is the case with your teacher.

Original poster
witchwithallthetrimmings · 20/11/2009 12:13

okay perhaps IABU

OP posts:
ln1981 · 20/11/2009 12:48

But surely something a bit more constructive than 'hes doing ok'. most kids do ok, but even just hearing one positive would have been better. i do agree teachers have a hard job, and that each will approach parents evening differently, and this is quite evident to me in my ds1's case. his primary1 teacher was very detailed at parents evening and it was quite clear that she doted on him and several of the others within his class but she wasnt afraid to tell us his bad points (mainly behaviour, though apparently he is very polite!), whereas in primary 2 his teacher barely skimmed the surface with regards to his work but noted his behaviour, and again that he was polite! the appointment was for 10 minutes-it lasted about 2. If you were concerned though im sure if you spoke to his teacher after school or something she would be more than happy to help.

pranma · 20/11/2009 14:17

When I was teaching I got so fed up of parents' evenings because whatever you say is wrong!A little chatty in class?No-very quiet at home
Loves reading?-no we like her to get out in the fresh air
very sociable-no-getting in with a bad crowd
etc etc [all genuine YR7 comments]

pagwatch · 20/11/2009 14:21

when I went to DDs parents evening last year as soon as I sat down the teacher started laughing.

It is one of those moments that you feel your life sitting at a crossroads. I knew then that in 20 years time I will be saying sentences based around " well I knew she would end up ..... after her teachers laughed all the way through her first year parents evening"

2rebecca · 20/11/2009 14:24

I've never expected my kids' teachers to discuss with me whether they liked/ disliked my kids. It's a bonus if they seem to like the kids, but sometimes a teacher my kid is more in awe of can teach them more than a nice teacher, although suspect that applies more as they get older.
I have been to parents evenings at primary school when the teacher sounded unsure about which one my kid was which was concerning, but generally if they seem to know who the child is and can discuss strengths/ weaknesses/ areas we need to work on intelligently that's fine for me.

whoisasking · 20/11/2009 14:26

I listened to a barrage of complaints about my wonderful DS2 last year. In the middle of her list of complaints she looked around and said "I notice you didn't bring DS with you?" I said "Good job really, I don't find this particularly constructive, and it would be quite damaging for him to hear how you're talking about him" She continued in the same vein...He's immature, He lacks focus etc, etc. I looked her in the eyes and said "Well, yes, he's immature, he's just turned 8, he IS one of the youngest in the class, and he is very much loved at home, everyone who meets him is always charmed by him" and SHE SAID:

"Well, yes, I suppose if you were meeting him cold, you would think that!!" I nearly ripped her throat out.

Boco · 20/11/2009 14:31

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to really WANT the teacher to like your child. It's a horrible feeling to think you're leaving them all day with someone who doesn't particularly like them isn't it. Even if a teacher doesn't like all the children, I think that they should give the children the impression that they do or it's quite damaging for their confidence.

Dd2 is very happy in her reception class and the teacher really does give such a caring and warm feel to her classroom, all the children are valued and feel like she's genuinely fond of them, I think that's brilliant.

I won't even go there with how it is for dd1 atm, but she's certainly having a v. different experience and it's a shame.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 20/11/2009 14:35

I know what you mean. You're not actually looking or them to say 'I love him he's just great' but increasigly there is a lack of warmth and real connection with the children in the way they report, and the focus is on targets, acheievemnt and what they have/should/will achieve, right from when they start.

We wnet to parenst evening recently and fron both DS's teachers it was all 'we have been woprking on...we will be focusing on.. yu can work on x with them at home...' and really Dh and I said what we were waiting for was really some suggestion that had some insight into how our sons ticked and cared about them.

Dh said the only thing any of them siad that interested me was that they are ging to ask DS1 to be in the school band (this is a big step for him.)

i trust they are taeching about punctuation and that they have that covered, I wanted them to talk about my boy.

I think this is an unfortuante trend. So I know what you mean OP.

2rebecca · 20/11/2009 14:41

The teacher talking to whoisasking sounded horrid. I'm lucky in that I've never had a teacher be nasty about my kids. Generally they have had good teachers who seemd to know them and care about how they got on. I probably would get angry and upset if a teacher sounded as though they disliked one of them, particularly if a primary school teacher when your kid is stuck with that teacher all day.

whoisasking · 20/11/2009 14:48

First time I've experienced something like that 2rebbecca. The really sad thing is that this year I was so nervous going to the parents' evening, and DS2 cried before I went because he was scared. (The parents' evening last year pretty much set the template for the rest of the school year - she belittled my son every time my mum collected him from school and she really seemed to actively dislike him - I complained to the HM in the end, who just said "Yes, Mrs BITCHFACE can be a bit abrupt, not all children can be academically minded blah blah")

This year was glowing He still lacks focus, but this time that information was given with a smile and the observation that he is "So lovely and polite, no trouble at all and a pleasure to teach"

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/11/2009 14:49

Yanbu. I know what you are saying op. You just want her to say a little something about what makes your lo a little bit special. I think it would be absolutely great if primary school teachers could manage this - even if they were lying through their back teeth!

Boco · 20/11/2009 14:52

Exactly bibbity - it's just people skills isn't it? There's always SOMETHING nice to say about any child, surely - even if you're having to tackle negative things and problematic things, there's always going to be something you could find which is positive to say too.