to expect the teacher to praise my ds a little bit at parents evening

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

I was really looking for her to say that he is a lovely bright happy boy that is showing signs of genius but did expect a little more than "he is doing fine". She did not say anything negative and told me that he is engaged with all the thing he is given to do but never once gave the impression that she actually liked him and he is lovely

Bonsoir ~I wonder if you are meaning you don't want personal judgements of a child to get in the way of their education~that it shouldn't be about whether the child is liked or not,but fair for all children?
If so I agree although would hope a teacher of young children would have the sort of personality that is very tolerant and positive and caring anyway.

There is that aspect to it. But, beyond that, I am wary of children forming too strong attachments to teachers and working hard to please teachers because of emotional ties. I want my children to learn to work hard hard for themselves.

Yes, I agree. But isn't that part of emotional development? Resilience, independence, enjoying learning for learning's sake...

Yes I see ~ to be self reliant and self motivated.
I do agree but inspiring and interested teachers who make that extra effort can be a very positive force in childrens and young people's lives.

Yes, it is, but it requires the teacher to refrain from emotive, affectionate relationships with pupils.

The downside is when the child has to move on at the end of the year ~ so then the whole school ethos should be the same and all care about the children so there isn't that feeling of loss.

I think also the key is 'to learn to work hard for themselves' - they are just LEARNING it... so naturally, I would expect more approval-seeking (which should be reinforced by clever teachers who manage to praise while also reminding them why they are doing it) while they are younger.

Think self-motivation is massively important (am quite anti-rewards/sticker charts and the like - though again, while they are young and learning, perhaps).

i think all teachers different. last year, dd is teacher(older lady) told me she was very bright,eager to learn etc... i was quite pleased. this year we have teacher in her 30`s and expecting her first born. she told me dd was doing fine, that was it. nothing else and asked me if i was happy with her in the new class. it was all over in 3mins, before i know i was handed some questionaire to fill and left.

As a parent, I have never used sticker charts/rewards etc. My belief is that my child is no fool and is perfectly capable of understanding why she is required to adopt certain behaviours in particular places/at particular times, providing I give her a clear rational explanation and my expectations do not exceed her level of development.

And I expect teachers to do the same!

I don't think it does, actually. As parents we manage to allow gradual independence from a secure, attached base. Obviously, with a teacher it's a positive professional relationship anyway. Think saying a sad-but-able-to-cope 'goodbye' to teachers can be a v useful learning experience for children actually.

I prefer the teachers to be a bit "blunt" if necessary than too kind to either protect me or my Dcs.

Ds2 year 2 teacher was lovely and according to her there was never a problem be it in his accademic achievement or behaviour. What a the following year when we were told he had to work on everything (reading,spelling, hanwritting). I am very gratefull of year 3 teacher to have told me things the way they actually were as it allowed us to work much more with Ds and now get him back on track. He now does much better in school and is definitely not less happy than he was when he was struggling academically.

Saying that, all his teachers have mentioned that his behaviour in school was nice and appropriate and I would probably have found it much harder to cope with if they had said that they did not like his personality.

Overall I do not think YABU as we all have different expectation of how people view our Dcs and yes it can be very hurtfull yo get a negative comment. In you case, the coment was quite neutral so I would not worry too much.

The school ought to have an ethos of preparing children for the next year so that they are ready to leave one stage/teacher behind and move on to the next one.

DD loved her teacher from last year, and always gives her a little cuddle and kiss if she sees her, but she was very happy to move upwards and onwards nonetheless.

Well, exactly Bonsoir - hence why I don't use them (with my own or teaching).

Though the relationship with 30 kids at primary is possibly different... you have said yourself you don't want teachers to be affectionate - presumably parents are allowed to be !

I don't mind teachers being affectionate - what I don't want is that affection blinding them to the realities of my child's development, or my child being so emotionally involved with their teacher that their learning becomes dependent on the teacher's approval. I want clarity and data!

So - are we just talking about primary school children here, or secondary too? I teach secondary school, and sometimes it's really difficult to 'find something nice' to say about the (on average) 120 children I teach a day.

I can understand it would be a lot easier in primary, as you have just the one class.

The teacher sounds like she could do with more training.

This is a parents evening. The goal should be to say something personal and positive about the child (preferably at first) so that the parent is eating out of the teacher's hand. If the teacher cannot say anything personal about the child, the class size is probably too big or the teacher really cannot be bothered. She should get feedback from the teaching assistant ahead of the meeting. Whether or not the teacher likes the child is irrelevant. The meeting is to give feedback.

Then to go through the more box ticking aspects of the exercise. Then, if relevant, to list one or more areas the parent could work with the school to improve the child's learning experience.

It's not hard. Just like training for giving appraisals at work. So easy to improve the process and leave the parent feeling positive and motivated to work with the school. There is no excuse.

Ha ha, Bonsoir - I believe you can do both, but yes,possibly some teachers can't. As blueshoes, says she probably needs more training/help with the process.

(McSnail, I taught secondary and still managed but agree absolutely NO excuse with just 30 kids to know inside out)

I don't expect ds's teacher to like him but I am disappointed that she seems to actively dislike him. Especially when he responds so well to praise and is generally very keen to please. He also seems to like her but I am left with the clear impression it is very one way. I do think that if this is the only time in his school life that a teacher doesn't like him then we are doing well. It is a shame it has happened in year 1.

Mollie, teachers should not let their personal feelings about a child (whether like or dislike) get in the way of their teaching and making each child realise their full potential. I think it is seriously unprofessional, one aspect of which is to unwittingly convey the impression of dislike or disinterest to the parent at the parents meeting.

If I thought the teacher was unenthusiastic, I would in a gentle way - without sounding too much like crazed helicopter mum - try to bring up the positives of my dc to her or get her to look at a negative in a positive way (eg difficulty with maths but trying very hard at home).

Teachers are human and if they see the child's parent advocating for them, this might help to dispel some of the malaise and make them see the child in a different light.

Does not excuse the unprofessionalism though. Have you compared notes with other parents about that teacher's attitude?

Mollie, definitely raise the point about your dc responding well to praise. Any good teacher should lap that up.

I did seem to spend a good chunk of my allocated time at parents' evening explaining how ds 'works'. I am a bit disappointed that this far in to the school year she hasn't sussed him yet (class size is 16).

Haven't had much opportunity yet to compare notes of parents' evening. One parent told me that the teacher was surprised that their child didn't give her the trouble she had been expecting. A number of parents' have been told that their children require extra help (teacher told me but did maintain confidences so I don't know whom) so I doubt that they are overly enamoured with her.

I just had ds first parents' evening and the opposite seemed to occur. Lots of positivity.

But more than that they expected the parents to lead the conversation. First question, 'how do you think it's going?'. I was a bit taken aback, I'm not the one at school with him all day!

I want clarity and clear direction too. That's it.

Obviously I want the teacher to like all the children (in a way that they don't get irritated or something). Other than that I don't need loads of praise or for them to think he is lovely (which, you know, I can see at home). But clarity!

mollie, a class size of 16 is not big. Your ds' teacher has had plenty of time to suss him out. hmmmm. She does not sound like a charmer. Some people are like that. If your ds is otherwise happy and making progress, I think teachers can be overrated FWIW.

I love teaching and sometimes a gusher too. It seems to be so hard to get the balance right, especially on a first meeting when you don't know the parents well. I have often said how fantastic x is, polite, friendly, joy to have. To be cut short by a parent saying, yes we know all this, how are they doing academically, how can we improve.

Teachers are only human, getting it right all the time is impossible.