To think my smug ex-friend will be eating her words in a couple of years time?

[Emprexia]

I sent an email to an old friend who's just had her first child asking for a meet up and saying i was looking forward to getting some 'me' time instead of being stuck in with my 2 DC's all the while.. having conversation that didnt involve Iggle Piggle and the Wattingers!

The email she sent me back basically said that she felt complete as a parent and didnt understand the idea of needing to have 'me' time as she was loving being a mom.

AIBU to think that when she's where i am in a couple of years time.. 2DC's, little social-life and 3years of nappies and dribble that she'll probably be begging to be her for a while instead of mum?

Is the concept of not wanting to just be MUM but to be UnexpectedWasabi for a while so alien?

I can't help thinkingthat had she replied 'fucking nora yes. I have had this baby shit for three weeks and I can't wait to go out and have a good time and get away from dreary baby nonesense' she may have been equally panned.

She has just had a baby. Probably she didn't phrase the email well - perhaps she was trying to make OP see that it was not a personal thing, she wasn't ignoring the OP , just caught up in the new mum 'glow'

I would give her a break if she were my friend and figure that this was something she would laugh/cry to be reminded of when the warm and fuzzy hormones have worn off.
I would also try and remember that for the firt few months I took about sixty squillion photos, cried at some crap song by sting every time it came on the radio and regarded a good day as one where I got dressed.I would have been impressed had I replied to an email at all.

I would guess if it is easier to just assume she is a smug bitch then the friendship had very little substance in the first place.

Ahh Wasabi...see, you shouldn't have said "just had her baby". It conjures up images of newborns

If the baby's 5 months old, then I'm completely on your side. There was just no reason to piss on your parade.

Happier now?

I can't keep up. I thought we were talking about newborns.

But having thought about it I now don't really care either way.

I think your friend does sound a little tedious tbh. When I had a newborn I was desperate for some 'me' time - Not all new mothers are in a postnatal fug of happiness. mine was more like a fug of total boredom, I felt completely like I'd lost my personality and it did not feel natural to sit there staring at a baby all day.(probably why I've never had any more!).
Her comment may or may not come back to bite her in the arse however... I have heard some people actually enjoy spending time with new babies!

But she just had her first child! Give her a chance! It would be quite sad if right after having her first baby she just wanted out of the house, IMHO.

Classic AIBU by stealth 'hides thread' But yes YASTILLBU.

can i point you to the original AIBU question?

AIBU to think that when she's where i am in a couple of years time.. 2DC's, little social-life and 3years of nappies and dribble that she'll probably be begging to be her for a while instead of mum?

Is the concept of not wanting to just be MUM but to be UnexpectedWasabi for a while so alien?

its not aibu by stealth as non of the 'extra' info was relevant to original question which is easy enough to answer without needing to know why i was asking it.

YANBU wasabi

Thing is you said she had just had a baby, so people assumed baby was a matter of days or weeks old, not months. And responded as such.

But in fact most people said your friend was out of order anyway.

So why so upset. You did AIBU, and even worded in a misleading manner, most people agreed yor friend is mad bitch.

But even if her baby is a few month old, It is stil early days for her. Her baby has no siblings so is not driving her up the roof because of bickeerring etc..

I do understanf that at the stage you are now, UnnexpectedWasabi, you want to be a complete human without your children arround but your friend is not you and has not yet felt the need for the same "personal space". I do not like the "eat her words in a couple of years" Does that mean you wish on her what yourself have experiences as hard just so you can say "I told you so?

I have got 4 dcs, a social life that is limited to the school ground and other school activities but that is something I chose like that and live with happily. A lot of my friends with children have a social life, go out in the evening for courses, meals with friends... so maybe this is what your friend will do, she might never feel like you are. Whatever her choices are, I do not see why you can allow yourself to judge her.

i may be way be way off here, so apols in advance if i am. pls dont think im 'avin a go, BUT i think the real issue runs deeper than meeting up for 'me time'.

could it be that your friend think is saying that she is turning her back on your frienship rather than the need for adult company? i ask that because your posts seem to be a little 'me, me me'-ish and less about the 'we' of your friendship. you said that she was one of a group that dumped you when you had your first dc. your posts imply that you had no contact with this friend for quite a while,....yet when you do, its all about you.

your email would have, perhaps, been better received if you hadnt waited 5 months to contact her to congratulate her on her (not so) new baby. especially as the real purpose of the contact was to allow you 'me time', which can seem as though you contacted her as a means to meet your need rather than a genuine opportunity to re-establish your friendship with her.

it could just be that you are at different places in your lives. you had your fb some time ago, yet although you also have a newer baby, she could be reading that its all a bit 'been there, done that - motherhood is soooooo passe' to you.

yanbu to feel as you do, but i think yabu to have that attitude. at this stage of her motherhood, she cannot reasonably be expected to respond or anticipate circumstances that she may, or may not encounter. just because that's how it is for you, it doesnt define the experience for everyone else. i really dont say this to bbe mean, but as a mum-of-three who gives my mum-of-one sil a veeeeeeeeeerry wide berth because having to hear the advice and anecdotes (and critisism) of someone who's 'done it all and knows best', is frankly too draining to endure.

this might explain it a bit more.

ITs the friend i talked about in this.. i made one more attempt at contacting her.. and this was the outcome.

I still think YABU

you contacted her 5months after her baby was born , ostensibly to congratulate her, but then to ask her to meet up , so you could have time without your children.. i'm not surprised she got the hump with you, you could have emailed her sooner to congratulate her

maybe if you rub each other the wrong way it is time to take a break

if you want to be yourself rather than mum, go and have time on your own , or with a friend who wants time away from their children

sorry op, i didnt mean motherhood itself is passe, rather the gooy, cooing, my world is my baby stage has passed for you.

Remember that thread wasabi. I'm sorry she's been so unkind but if I were you I'd just let her go. Not worth the angst.

I don't think YABU now, no, but if this person and all that group dropped you 3 years ago and your efforts to get back in touch met with a cyber clenched fist, I think there's more going on with her annoyance than this conversation alone. Having said that, in context her final comment was vile, and YANBU to gloat about the toddler frustrations that inevitably lie ahead.

Is AIBU by stealth, given it read to all comers as being about a newborn and a solo lunch date, but I never really get why people get so huffy over AIBU by stealth, anyway. I mean, if we got all the info right at the start, nobody would wade through it all on a flippant section of the site. I like extra info, personally.

Okay, I just read the other thread, and actually I can understand why people's reactions here are upsetting you (was thinking "why is she so angry about an AIBU thread?"). Your friendship's breakdown is awful, painful and you have every right to be incredibly distressed over it, and her final slap in the face was needless and actually quite ruthless, if you haven't any clue what happened. She could at least offer you the courtesy of some kind of explanation, but sadly seems that isn't about to happen. Unfortunately friendships do sometimes seem to implode on only one side - and all you can do is walk away, given she isn't about to change her mind.

You could always write her a mail setting out how rude and unneccessary she's been, and that actually ventilating her grievances at a far earlier stage would have been both more adult and more sane. But frankly you'll just get pure venom back - she's had years to decide it's All Your Fault - so I wouldn't bother.

Don't post sensitive things in AIBU though! This is one for relationships.

I am sorry. Hurts like hell when friendship relationships go pearshaped, and people never seem to give them the same respect as romantic ones, do they?

i remember that thread too. im sorry that has happened to your frienship; i do understnad that it is sad and painful. you have obviously tried to find a way back into the friendship, but it seems that you may have to let it go and move on. that can be painful because you are in a position of letting go without knowing what went wrong and without the opportunity to try and mend things.

about the email, unfortunately written words can be interpreted in many ways; each reader interpreting the same words in a way that validates or defends their own mindset and standpoint on a previous issue.

your recent post shows how you have connected to separate issues with this friend, and reads to me like she wont allow you and you experience as a mother into her life, so with her missing that opportunity, you kind of hope she'll have a tough time of it or at least a little bit what you've been through?

judging by the other thread, it sounds like you're better off without her, its horrible for you that she doesn't even have the decency to let you know what you're meant to have done to her for her to be so ignorant, she does sound like a cow, regardless of whether sahe's recently given birth or not!

I suggest you write her off and maybe look at meeting up with other mums(maybe mumsnet local) or catching up with other old friends.

Oh and if you do meet up with any other mums from MN, it doesn't mean you have to do baby talk

I think you should be saying all this to her... just ask? That way you can either sort things out or have closure

Godsake, some of these posts are bloody ridiculous. Not everyone who has a small baby wants to spend every minute of every day with them.

I see lots of people on here have gone uber defensive (wonder why people - the post is NOT about you and your situation) and assumed that wasabi was approaching her friend with a 'ha ha, fuck the kids lets go out and get PISSED' attitude whereas that is clearly not the case.

Aside from that the "friends" response was smug and unpleasant. Being a new mum is a huge adjustment but that doesn't give you carte blanche to be rude and obnoxious. Sounds like the friend was of that self centred mindset anyway before though.

"Godsake, some of these posts are bloody ridiculous. Not everyone who has a small baby wants to spend every minute of every day with them."

You are absolutely right Janos, but it seems to be what Op's friend or ex-friend feels like so whilst I do respect that OP wants to get out with grown up more, I can also see the other POV that is to spend every minute of the day with a young baby. I do not think that people who said Op was BU assumed that Op "was approaching her friend with a 'ha ha, fuck the kids lets go out and get PISSED'" but they undurlined the fact that both attitudes have their places at different times in the life of a mum and the friend at the moment does clearly not feel like op . It does not mean that Op is wrong to feel the way she does but that she is BU to think her friend is BU IYSWIM, as both approaches are right.

YANBU - and the new parent thing affects everybody differently (I was desperate for adult conversation from very early on!)...and she's a silly mare. But put the ridiculous comments down the hormones, remember that everyone gets very very silly with their pfbs, give her some space for a bit, and maybe get back in touch in a few months time to see if she fancies coming over with her pfb for a coffee...she might be ready for a change of scene by then.

Yes, gorionine, ISWYM.

Agree that being a new mum is something very personal and we can all experience it differently!