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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my smug ex-friend will be eating her words in a couple of years time?

110 replies

Emprexia · 15/11/2009 21:38

I sent an email to an old friend who's just had her first child asking for a meet up and saying i was looking forward to getting some 'me' time instead of being stuck in with my 2 DC's all the while.. having conversation that didnt involve Iggle Piggle and the Wattingers!

The email she sent me back basically said that she felt complete as a parent and didnt understand the idea of needing to have 'me' time as she was loving being a mom.

AIBU to think that when she's where i am in a couple of years time.. 2DC's, little social-life and 3years of nappies and dribble that she'll probably be begging to be her for a while instead of mum?

Is the concept of not wanting to just be MUM but to be UnexpectedWasabi for a while so alien?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/11/2009 22:25

What a twat. Fair enough she may be in the baby haze where you feel your NB is the most amazing, absorbing being on earth and you could never leave them for more than an hour (but you are right, that novelty wears off for most women...) but what a nasty email. So smug and self righteous and dumb.

perfectstorm · 15/11/2009 22:28

You emailed someone who'd only just had a baby, asking to meet up so you could have some "me time"?

Can you remember what the first days and weeks are like?

scottishmummy · 15/11/2009 22:34

the immediate post baby period is different for us all

and maybe her mummy happy glands are secreting.seriously the hormonal influence on mood and behaviour is massive.dont read too much into it.dont see it as intentional rebuke

it was a kind offer you made so dont lose a friend over it-try again few months

chegirl · 15/11/2009 22:36

I will be like this for a little while when DC 5 is born. Mind you I wouldnt send such a smug email. It will last about two weeks if memory serves

I want to be with my new babies all the time because once I am back to normal its hard to get any me and them time let alone me time.

I am lucky to get time on my own as OH works evenings. I work part time so can nip out in the day if I need to.

When DD and DS1 were little (2 years apart) I had no time ever ever ever and it did get waring. Just being in the bath on my own was bliss.

Good for her if she is complete as a parent, rah rah. I dont see why she feels the need to make you feel less of a complete parent than her though

displayuntilbestbefore · 15/11/2009 22:40

can't see why your friend couldn't have just declined without putting her twopenn'th worth in about being complete as a parent blah blah blah to try and make you feel in some way inferior....

scottishmummy · 15/11/2009 22:41

i imagine friends reply was all subjective about her new status and probably not thinly veiled attack up UW

Original poster
Emprexia · 15/11/2009 22:41

perfectstorm.. the invite was to include kids.. oddly enough, being a SAHM still on maternity leave, i dont have anyone to just dump them on.

And yes.. being as my youngest is only 8mo and i have only in the last month started wanting to get out and have some adult conversation.. i do remember.

As for when my oldest was a baby.. i also remember being horribly lonely when he was a couple of months old because i was the first in my social group to marry and have children and being abandoned by my friends (her included) who didnt 'get' kids.

i mistakenly thought she might feel the same and like some company and the opportunity to get out for a couple of hours with someone who she used to be very good friends with and have the chance to rebuild the friendship on a new level with us both being mums.

She made it quite clear i was very mistaken.

OP posts:
wideratthehips · 15/11/2009 22:42

was her email that awful?

from the little bit you typed i didn't get any bad vibes from it.

with my dc1 i WAS complete i'd never felt anything like it, i never put my baby down and won't not have wanted any me time..i would have pinned for my baby

5yrs later with 3 dc i would love some me time!

she has no idea what the long term is going to be like....have you actualy fallen out with her because of this (when you say ex friend?)

and why are people calling her clueless cow and a twat?...shes a mum with a new baby...get a grip people

scottishmummy · 15/11/2009 22:43

oh dear,i erroneously gave your mate benefit of doubt

shame she feels so

displayuntilbestbefore · 15/11/2009 22:45

That's such a shame UnexpectedWasabi.

acebaby · 15/11/2009 22:46

send over your kids for her to look after, while you spend the morning on the sofa alone in a peaceful house eating chocolate and watching Judge Judy. That should make her even more complete as a parent

seriously though - that was a mean e-mail your so-called friend sent you. If you are the forgiving sort, put it down to hormones and move on. She WILL eat her words when her PFB gets noro and she runs out of towels, nappies and sanity at 3am. Not that I would wish that on her of course...

wideratthehips · 15/11/2009 22:46

aaah...just got the second post...would not be chuffed with being initially cold shouldered when you'd had your first baby

QuintessentialShadows · 15/11/2009 22:47

Yabu.
You were very insensitive emailing asking her out because you need "me" time and time away from talk of iggle piggle, and the like, which I read to be child related issues.
Did you not remember that she had just had a ababy and might WANT to talk about it?
Did you even acknowledge that she now has joined you in the parent department, but from the perspective of somebody new to it?

Your email might have read a little like "Come out with me, but dont you dare talk about your baby and being a new mum, as I want ME time and have no interest in talking iggle piggle and fiddle diddle with you".

Heck, I am not surprised she said what she did regards to not bother her again.

scottishmummy · 15/11/2009 22:49

i recall at baby group telling mums i was going back to work,the i-am-mother-i-am-eath-goddess crew pursed their lips like a cats arse. i had to endure the "precious Moments speech,they looked most disapproving

ImSoNotTelling · 15/11/2009 22:52

I would have read the invitation that you wanted to go out somewhere with her, and not her baby, which may be why she got the hump in such a big way.

scottishmummy · 15/11/2009 22:54

i wouldn't lose a friend over this,friends cut each other some slack.try again few weeks,call her.post baby is so hard.feeding,sleeping,you knackered too - life changing

narmada · 15/11/2009 22:55

She sounds absolutely horrid, YANBU. We all have the new-mum haze but most of us don't at the same time completely disregard others we have known, and talk down to them in such a patronising manner. OK, I have raging PMT at the moment so I hope she is miserable and alone in a few years hope she has cause to reflect on what a cow she is being. Some people are scared that admitting they have interests outside of the family equates to them admitting to being a bad parent. Deluded.

narmada · 15/11/2009 22:56

Oh my last message didn't make too much sense because my attempt to strike out part of it for dramatic effect didn't work. But you get what I meant!

scottishmummy · 15/11/2009 22:57

the bf is getting a nasty pasting.she not a cow.she had a baby a life changing event.mentally and physically

KnackeredOldHag · 15/11/2009 23:16

It could be some rather over-done bravado.

Haven't many of us sat pretending everything was perfect, wonderful, coping soooo well etc etc whilst thinking "wow, what happened?" and generally not wanting to let others know that actually this is a really difficult adjustment to make.

Give her a few weeks and in the meantime, let her know you are always on the end of the phone/email if she needs anything.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/11/2009 00:21

I seem to be the only person who find YOU unreasonable in that you email a new mum, invite her out without her baby, and make it clear you dont want to talk about baby related things, as you want "me" time.

oh well.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 16/11/2009 00:24

Not the only one QS.
Also I don't buy the "not AIBU by stealth" line. FGS, of course it was relevant to the issue.

ToffeeCrumble · 16/11/2009 00:42

I felt the same as your friend for about the first year after i had my elder daughter. I had her at age 33 and had had problems staying pregnant etc, so had had years of me time which still felt quite recent. Now 5 years on and with 2 dcs i would kill for some child free me time again!

perfectstorm · 16/11/2009 03:07

If you remember the first weeks in detail, you're doing better than me! I just remember being both overwhelmed and fixated on the baby. And so unspeakably tired. The idea of a lunch date would have been exhausting, but the notion I'd want not to think/talk about ds impossible. She can't imagine having a toddler yet.

Having said that - were you meaning that going back to work would be your me time, if you were taking the kids to lunch? Because if so then the request/offer is more reasonable in itself, I think, but if she's ambivalent about returning or planning to be a SAHM, might she not have felt that was a dig? You're so flipping vulnerable when you first give birth.

Tortington · 16/11/2009 03:36

what a totally shit friend.

I would e-mail her back telling her this.

Dear x,
I am so happy that you are enjoying motherhood so much and that you and your baby are thriving. I am saddened that as my friend, you couldn't support me when i needed a good friend.

Wishing you all the best in life

wasabi

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