To think my smug ex-friend will be eating her words in a couple of years time?

[Emprexia]

I sent an email to an old friend who's just had her first child asking for a meet up and saying i was looking forward to getting some 'me' time instead of being stuck in with my 2 DC's all the while.. having conversation that didnt involve Iggle Piggle and the Wattingers!

The email she sent me back basically said that she felt complete as a parent and didnt understand the idea of needing to have 'me' time as she was loving being a mom.

AIBU to think that when she's where i am in a couple of years time.. 2DC's, little social-life and 3years of nappies and dribble that she'll probably be begging to be her for a while instead of mum?

Is the concept of not wanting to just be MUM but to be UnexpectedWasabi for a while so alien?

"Don't get me wrong, I love my children,"

TeamEdward - I got "told off" (in a very nice way) by one of DH's team - who happens also to be a social worker by profession, and one that worked with children, for saying that to her.

She looked me square in the eyes and said

"you know everyone says that, but you really don't have to" and went on to recall how when he children were younger she used to do the hoovering (clearing up their mess) singing loudly to herself "is this what I have become and all I'll ever be"

Her baby is sooo new and she hasn't had time to miss me time yet.
Let her be smug and enjoy her newborn.

I had a friend like this and it was very annoying but fast foward a few months and she was climbing the walls.

i agree with QS

QS, OP explained that the invitation included chldren.

And even assuming that the OP was indeed insensitive (alhtough I can't see how), the rude email is inexcusable. It's classic inferiority complex, this woman is obviously trying to make herself feel better by telling others that they're inferior (inferior parenting/parental love in this instance) instead of actually doing something noteworhty.

I'm with QS on this one too. Whether the invite included children or not the tone was very clearly 'anti' kids.

Some people wait years to have their first child and of course they are going to be fixated on their bub and unable to contemplate being away from them. Perfectly natural. Personally I think it was the OP who was being unthinking and tactless...a new mum is ALWAYS going to want to crow about her beautiful new dc and should be allowed to do so at every opportunity.

I think you should email her, apologise and make it clear you want to meet, cuddle, talk about, admire her new dc...just as I hope your friends did with your first baby.

stig cinema on your own = bliss imo

email = bad. huge room for miscommunication.

pick up the phone and call her. have a little sympathy. I remember when DS was born, I was in shock for the first 6 weeks at least!

btw - her email may have been rude and unnecessary, but am with QS, I think it was your initial email that may have (not intentionally) set the tone.

It is a difficult time for her, cut her some slack.

She'll learn.

I would give her a wid berth for a few months until she gets back to normailty.

When someone has a new baby it's usual to go and see them in their house and coo over the baby and hear about how the birth went in minute detail isn't it?

it's not usual to say right get out of the house and come to a coffee shop with your newborn, as I want a break from sitting at home, and BTW I'm really sick of hanging out with kids at the mo.

She may be trying to get to grips with BF, in the grips of the baby blues, baby may be screaming etc. She is bound to be knackered.

Who on earth invites the mother of a newborn out? You go and visit them. With a small gift and your listening ears on. That's the rules, isn't it?

how old is newborn?

yes, she said something smug to you, but she's just had her first child and is still in that hormonal fog..unless she makes stupid comments all the time, i'd cut her some slack

i wouldn't cut off a friend for one hormone induced smug comment

also, if she's just had her first baby, why would you invite her out ??

you should have offered to go to see her

it's hardly me time to spend some time with a friend and their tiny baby

so YABU

Why will she 'eat her words'?

There's a big difference between feeling complete and wanting and needing very little 'me time' when you've just met your firstborn and feeling that way a few years down the line - it's unlikely to mean that she will look back and wish she got out more when she'd just had her first baby. It sounds to me like she's just excited and in love and that you have chosen to take it as a smug insult? Why do you assume it was directed at you as a judgement and not just her relaying her feelings about parenthood in the moment? What were the actual words that she used? It is just as valid for her to feel that her new baby is the centre of the universe as it is for you to feel you need time for you.

There's a lot of pressure on new mums these days to do a Coleen Rooney and demonstrate how well they can blend their old and new lives by heading out looking fabulous and enjoying all the same old treats as before within weeks of birth when, for the majority, that's something that feels neither feasible nor natural. Also, there are more than enough experienced mums out there who spend quite enough trying to knock pregnant women and new mums out of their love bubble with this 'you'll learn' attitude. Let this woman enjoy her love bubble! We get so little of that kind of joy over our lifetimes. I think it's unreasonable to assume her reaction to motherhood was intended as a slight on you as a mother.

But if OP has older children then going to house of friend might not be practical - or OP's friend might be anxious about big toddlers damaging her baby/waking it up/etc. Personally, when my DS was born I did not want my best mate bringing her whole tribe round. I could manage one of her DCs at a time but was too anxios for the whole lot. Meeting outside somewhere where her DCs could run around and I could have a nice cup of coffee would have been better.

But then again maybe she is struggling. Maybe BF is going horribly wrong and she's in the same cycle of weeping/feeding/expressing that I was in. I couldn't bear the idea of visitors whilst sitting at home in my PJs for a few weeks - let alone going out.

She's just had a baby and you're slagging her off as a 'parent' already ? Jeeze -with friends like you and all that...

All of my friends came to see me and brought their kids.

If someone had called me a week after giving birth and suggested I come out to a coffee shop, I would have been pretty . What with the section scar, a baby constantly attached to my breast and floods of lochia.

We need to know how old this baby is and exactly how the email the OP sent was worded in order to judge

I think she felt you had forgotten what it is like to be a new mum- exhausted, unsure of yourself, where every little move feels like a mountain hike- and that she made a snide remark because of this perceived lack of empathy from you.

Either that or she is just feeling very unsure about her own maternal feelings and needs to buoy herself up.

My db has been driving me mad over the years with comments about how he never tires of his son, how he never feels fed up, how his son never annoys him. I have to cut him some slack- he works away a lot and simply doesn't feel he can afford the same blase attitude as someone who sees their offspring every day. I have seen him look irritated, mind, but he can't admit to it.

wasabi did you get a bit over-excited and make a hash of it? You say you are bored at home by yourself - so I guess that not many of your friends are at home with children. So when one has a baby you think "bingo - company!" and start trying to make plans, forgetting that she is only just starting as a mum and isn't at the bored out of her mind stage yet.

One of my friends was like this - she started her family years before the rest of us and when we started having babies she said "fantastic! now we'll all be able to go to the pub in the week all the time!" and was extremely disappointed when we pointed out that we weren't going to be going to the pub any time in the foreseeable future due to a. just had a baby b. BF c. knackered due to night feeds etc etc

I think she is extremely rude, and thats from the perspective of sitting here with my (finally) sleeping 3 week old PFB who is the absolute centre of my world at the moment. Doesn't mean that I've lost my empathy and basic manners though and I would never speak that way to a friend.

I'd be if you thought she should go anywhere without the baby or if you were suggesting a wine bar to meet up in, but there is a difference between wanting to talk to an adult (about your children and new baby), and wanting to have unending circular conversation with a 3 year old about the best points of Iggle Piggle.

Regardless of individual circumstances I was brought up to believe that if you received an invitation you politely accepted or declined. Even if it was the last thing in the world you felt like doing. She was rude.

I still don't understand how or why people think this woman was being rude? Everyone assumes from the OP that the ex-friend said 'oh I don't know HOW you could possibly need 'me time' you selfish cow, a real mother would be completed by their baby'. That would be rude, and snide. However, it seems much more likely the OP said 'God kids are boring, aren't they? I'm so sick of kiddie conversation! I really need a bit of 'me time', I bet you do too! Come out with me!' and the friend replied saying 'Right now, I am so loved up! I'm so wrapped up in my dc that I feel totally complete and don't really feel the same way that you do', I There is nothing here to suggest that what she said was intended as a dig at the OP or was, in any way, rude, smug or insulting.

offs.

The 'newborn' is 5 months old. when i said 'just had her first child' i mean as in i've had kids for 3 years whereas she's only just had her first.
I emailed her because i dont have her phone-number being as she and all my other 'non-mummy' "friends" buggered off when i had DS 3 years ago and have had fuck all to do with me since, and i miss her and thought it'd be a chance to rebuild a friendship i actually valued.

My email was polite, congratulating her on her baby, asking how she was, filling her in on things here (like i have a new dd too) and asking if she'd like to bring baby out and meet up for a cup of coffee for a couple of hours to catch up.. because it'd be nice to see her after so long and to get out of the house and have some 'me' time and a conversation that wasnt with my 3yo but with another adult.

Her email back was rude and in no uncertain terms told me to fuck off and not bother her again.. along with a smug "why on earth do you need 'me' time.. my dd makes me complete and i dont need anything else or understand why on earth you want to talk to anyone other than your kids."

Now you've poured over my life when ALL i was actually asking AIBU for was if it was unreasonable to think some fucking adult conversation might be nice and to think she might actually one day realise that herself, i hope you're happy.

If baby is 5mo then YANBU.

HTH.

Don't take us to heart wasabi.

wasabi - I totally agree with you. No need for rudeness regardless of having a newborn (or not so new)

This seems like a case of getting the tone badly wrong and then someone responding badly to that. It seems a bit odd, to me, to say in an email asking to meet up with a brand new mum, you write about wanting 'me time' and being 'stuck in with your DC' - especially if, as you say, the kids were invited too. I would have assumed from your OP that you expected the kids would not be there - yours at any rate.

She is clearly not going to be at that point yet and may have felt got at, and that she is being dull and pathetic by wanting to stay in with her baby. Maybe she is even scared of how she will manage when she leaves the house (I know it daunted me) so to save face, and being a bit nettled by your apparently unsympathetic remarks, she sent a defiant reply that has in turn got your back up.

I'm sure you didn't mean it that way; it sounds like you were excited to think that you wouldn't be so isolated anymore and wrote things that she then misread. As mistletoekisses says, email is bad for these things.

Of course, we don't know the exact wording of both your email and hers - and I am not asking you to post them here either. But it might be worth a think about whether this is a communication that's gone unnecessarily off track. As has been said, it would seem odd to cut off a friend for one snippy remaark, which suggests that this has its roots in existing resentment. I know you have said that she didn't understand the situation when you first has DC, but then as you'll know, that's pretty common with childless friends, so one worth letting go, if you can.

You have a chance to be the bigger person here. I would ring, or send a nice card., saying you understand she is totally wrapped up in her DC at the moment, you'd love to come and see them both and will make the tea when you get there , and that if she fancies a trip out of the house later on with kids in tow and wants some company, she only has to ask you. Then leave it a bit and see what happens. If you really can't bring yourself to do that, I would keep quiet for now rather than make a big gesture of cutting off the friendship that you may regret later - if, that is, she is really a friend.

Have just seen your last message; had already posted mine above. No, then, YANBU - but I think if you'd just said straight out in your OP that she'd told you "in no uncertain terms told me to fuck off and not bother her again.. along with a smug "why on earth do you need 'me' time.." then everyone would have agreed with you in the first place!