Or does this man have an unhealthy interest in my 3 yr old?

[totalmisfit]

I should probably say i've no desire to stir up a witch-hunt or make an already unhappy man's life any harder than it is, but i feel i have to share this here as i need some objective opinions.

As a few MNers will know, dh, dd (3.8) and i have been living in a small coastal village on the edge of the known universe for the past year. There are a few 'characters' shall we say, one of whom is a widower in his 60s whom various villagers have described to me as 'a bit odd, since his wife died 8 yrs ago and he's had to bring up 2 boys by himself'.

His kids are now in their mid-teens and known locally as giving him a pretty tough time. Obviously all this must have been incredibly hard for him to deal with, and it's no wonder they have had their problems growing up, considering what they've been through.

What worries me is that this man seems increasingly obsessed with dd. At first it was something you could laugh off; if he stopped dead in his tracks passing our house and said to another passer-by 'Look at that hair!' 'Look at that hair!'(she's a redhead) whilst staring at her , i'd just end up thinking 'that's just old Dave' (as i'll call him for argument's sake) but soon it became him stopping us, quite agressively (his social skills are pretty nonexistent) and demanding to know her name, where she went to nursery, etc etc. When i challenged him (quite tactfully) as to why he wanted to know all these things, he said 'Oh, i like to know about all the children in the village'. Which made me vaguely uneasy.

Now every time we pass him in the street he stares and stares at her like she's some small kind of prey. He only lives round the corner but he seems to walk up and down our road even more than you'd expect. Quite often, as he did this morning, he'll announce 'here she is!' as he sees her, with really victory in his voice, not in the way a kindly relative might to a small child he knows well. as in he's been walking up and down, waiting to see her (or so it seems to me, admittedly my late pg hormones could be blowing this out of all proportion, as it does seem to have escalated since he announced he had found out i was pregnant, but that's another story).

A couple of weeks ago, he came round to the back of our house (we're end of terrace) saying he'd been looking for one of our neighbours. dh said the bloke in question wasn't in, and tried to engage him in polite conversation about his other interest, bird watching. He didn't really respond to these overtures but replied very abruptly, staring up at the house 'Where is she?'. Dh was a bit taken aback and mumbled something like, 'er she's just playing...' then tried to change the subject. Dave returned to the subject of dd again 'it's amazing when you see little children and they're just so full of life' and in the next breath 'I think about death a lot, since my wife died. When you see old people, and they haven't got much hair, sometimes you can see a trace of the child they used to be...' Dh faltered and tried again to change the subject. Dave replied, again staring up at our house 'Hmm, how many bedrooms has this house got?' At this point i was listening to the exchange and it occured to me, maybe he was trying to work out which bedroom was dd's so i interjected with 'what an odd question!' before dh could tell him it only had 2. What gets me is there's no facade of friendliness towards dh (or me particularly, he actually seems to look at me like i'm a nuisance and never addresses me) he's very direct about the fact he's only interested in dd.

After he'd gone, i mentioned my uneasiness to dh and he agreed it had been a particularly odd conversation 'even for him'. We decided to keep a civilised distance from him from then on, however it doesn't seem to have deterred the bloke from just 'being there' almost every time we venture out. If we drive past him he just stares and stares into back of the car. I can't quite describe his look, but it chills me to the bone.

I'm nearly 7 months pregnant, dependant on waddling up and down on public transport with her during the week, and feeling pretty vulnerable, i suppose. I've lost count of the number of seemingly 'close to the bone' comments he's made about her over the months and it's freaking me out. I'm sure you'll all knock some sense into me anyway. I should add that like most mums i'm well used to dd getting all the attention from passers by and being made a fuss of generally (it's largely a retirement village, so you can imagine) but this feels very different somehow.

I think if it was me I would be really worried, because it is all so out of the ordinary.
From an objective perspective though it sounds very much like your DD reminds him of his late wife, or something about her reminds him of his past.
Good idea to keep well away though and ask community police for advice, just to be on the safe side.

I think you're over-reacting. Which is understandable - pregnancy makes you feel that bit more vulnerable, you're living somewhere that's still fairly new and that can make you feel vulnerable too.

But, really, he sounds like an 'odd' but essentially harmless, old man. Lonely, lacking in social skills, wants to make conversation, latches onto your child as a way of doing this. You've responded when he talks to you and makes a fuss of your dd, so he keeps doing it. Whereas a lot of people have probably not bothered with him or got irritated and told him to get lost.

I think it's understandable to be fed up of him, even irritated, as yes he's pretty lacking in social skills, and he's not the sort you want to have round for coffee and a chat.

But I don't see that he is a threat to you in any way.

Really, what is it you are worried he could do?

Dear God, ive gone all goosey and tearful for you, im a dementia care assistant normally when iam working and he could have this, but would poss walk down the street half naked and other odd stuff, i dont believe he would remember his odd behaviour from times before if he was a sufferer. Be careful and although it seems extreme, move, nothing is more important than your dc's safety as i can tell you know from your thread.

I'm sorry but a man in his 60s is not too old to know about social boundaries. Any man, who wasn't a bit dodgy, would be extremely wary about engaging in such conversations as he is doing for fear of being accused of something abnormal. Unless he has a psychiatric (sp) illness or special laerning needs, I think the majority of 60 year old men would not behave like this.

If it is a small place chances are you share the same GP. That would be my first port of call. Obviously the GP can't tell you anything but if there are concerns then he/she may be able to get 'Dave' the support he clearly needs.

My Dad's in his 60's - I wouldn't call that 'old' as such?

I also think he just sounds a bit odd / wistful / lacking in social skills, and would be really wary of jumping to extreme conclusions.

I was thinking along Louby's lines too. When he asks "Where is she?", reply "Why do you want to know?".

You said "His kids are now in their mid-teens and known locally as giving him a pretty tough time." What does this mean, in what way tough? Also, are the boys approachable - could you ask them why their dad's obsessed with yuor DD? He may either have said something to them or they may just know (e.g. looks like their mum ...).

I find it a little sad that so many people on this thread (everyone in fact) is saying saying stay away from this old man and inform the police (about what? looking at a child?).

Do none of you know people like this? Lonely people, who just want a conversation for a few minutes with someone on the street, because that might be the only conversation they have all day with someone?

And yes, they might have a mental health problem, or be grieving for someone, or be a bit odd.

This doesn't make them paedophiles.

Do you all shun people like this? Cross the street, walk away if you see them coming? Phone the police if they 'bother' you.

All eccentric people are not paedophiles but i have done enough cases to think he seems strange

I think moving house is an overreaction, but YANBU to be concerned. It sounds to me like he may have some psychiatric issues. Try not to engage, and maybe chat to the GP as MollieO suggests, and just generally be aware. It doesn't seem to me that he's actually dangerous, but there's no sense taking risks. Trust your instincts.

Imagine someone in your street that you don't very well; only to say hi to, and then imagine if they suddenly and progressively started behaving in the way as OP stated. Striking up a conversation to pass the time is one thing (like "hi how are you, where are you going on your hols, is your little one at school yet?) but to pursue only the child and only be interested in my child (asking about where her bedroom is etc) is more than a little odd. It doesn't mean that he's a paedophile but the OP is entitled to being able to comfortably walk down the street without fear. It is not only the OP, but her DH who thinks his behaviour isn't right.

Do you know if you are living in an area where you can ask for information about a person's background if they have contact with your children? We do (and I still don't know enough about it to know if the situation you are in fits the criteria, as luckily haven't had to use it) and it would be a way to start a conversation with the police in your area. Even if you know that it is not an option where you live (I think it is being trialled here and in some other areas), I would still contact the police anyway and then it's on record. If he is a harmless older man with poor social skills, no one will ever be any the wiser about the conversation you have had. Should an issue ever arise, they would respond more quickly as a result of you having already logged a concern.

So someone having psychiatric issues is a reason not to engage with them, not to talk to them on the street?

In case they are dangerous?

You all sound so scared of people. I'm surprised any of you ever leave the house.

elephantsrule, I can see where you're coming from, but Dave's behaviour doesn't really match your suggestion. He is not using OP's DD as a way to strike up conversation - OP has said he seems to regard her as an irriatation, and when her DH tried to talk a bout birdwatching, supposedly a hobby of Dave's, he blanked it and concentrated on which room could be DD's bedroom.

I don't see this man as a paedophile. But his apparent obsession with her - yes, that could present a danger. Don't you think a small child will pick up on being stared at etc. and start to be distressed by it?

Yes, he needs help. But the DD needs protected too, and I know I would prioritise my child over anyone else, regardless of how much I pitied them.

elephantsrule i was sexually abused as a child and would hate for this too happen when i could of stopped it from happening. Some people have lived too much in the real world!

It might be a reason not to encourage an unhealthy obsession, elephantsrule, yes. And nobody has talked of "reporting", just asking for advice. It does seem odd, and sixtyish is not very old at all really- I'd expect most people that age to still have the skills to engage in the wider community without his apparent difficulties. A bit of caution is hardly scare-mongering.

When we lived in Germany, old men and women would come up to the pushchair or supermarket trolley and touch DDs hair (she was about 18 months)and had a mass of honey blond, curls. I thought it was nice as the Germans are really sweet to children (way more than to adults) but I could tell they were only being polite and nothing more. They would appear shy towards me and didn't try to converse with DD.
They would say "schone lockige haare" (beautiful curly hair), toussel the curls and then smile and walk off.
Anything more than that would have been strange. Parents know when something isn't right.

PoppyIsApain - I'm really sorry that you had that happen to you as a child.
I do of course agree that we all need to do everything we can to protect children from abuse. And yes, there are very real dangers out there and there are people out there that want to harm and abuse children.

But, I think we can often go overboard in seeing danger everywhere and in everyone. And if we do go a bit overboard and see danger and feel threatened by things/people rather too often, then, firstly we will end up restricting our own lives and our children's and secondly we also will give out some unhelpful messages to our children about danger and the world we live in, and this is also very harmful to them.

This man may or may not be harmless, nevertheless he has displayed some very odd and unsetteling behaviour towards the ops dd so its natural for her to be concerned and to not put her very young dd in a situation which could cause her harm for the sake of some mans feelings.

At the end of the day your childs safety is important, and whilst i do not like this 'all men are paedophiles' mentality even if they so much as look as a child, this man has displayed some odd behaviour towards her dd so she has ever right to be wary.

total, I have no way of knowing whether this man is a risk or not. But given she's only 3, presumably there's no danger of anything happening, because you or dh are always there?

I'd make very sure that dd doesn't have any opportunities to wander off (which you presumably do anyway, but I'd be extra-careful if my alarm bells were ringing) and try to limit any conversations with him to the minimum required for the sake of politeness.

And maybe call the NSPCC to have a chat about your concerns and see what they suggest.

Btw, agree 60 is not that old.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but this does sound like stalker-ish behaviour. Just because his focus is a child doesn't stop it being stalking and just because he seems obsessed with a child doesn't mean he is a paedophile (if you get me). Everything you say rings alarm bells. You clearly know something is wrong and your DH is also worried, even though he has much less contact with the man. Something needs to be said to him - would you be able to say something like 'You seem to be overly interested in my daughter - why is that?' or 'why do you want to know so much about my daughter?' next time he wants info and interaction (and point out that it's too much if he brushes it off)? I concur with the things other people say: ask other villagers about him, especially in relation to his late wife and his attitude towards other children, now and in the past. It might seem nosy or even rude, but that means nothing in the light of your DD's safety. If you find out anything worrying then you should take your concerns to the local police. Also agree that being in his 60s isn't really that old and is no excuse for acting that way.

i live in a village, obviously smaller than yours as we have no public transport. and i agree with elephant - it doesn't seem stalker ish to me and not that unusual for some older people, esp men living alone

its perfectly normal to speak to total stangers here, let alone neighbours

how sad that what would have once passed as friendly banter now passes at "peado! move house immediately!"