to feel like I'm missing out on my children when I go to work?

[TinksandFloris]

Well, I mean, I absolutely hate my job. No really, I'm not joking.

If I have to spend one more day working with these egotistical maniacs I think I'm actually going to go round the twist.

My youngest DC goes to school next September at the grand old age of 4 years and 3 months (way too young IMO) and I feel like I've missed out on so much by being at work. I know it's only part-time but really, I just want to be at home and be a Mum for once.

All I've ever done is work. Basically since my 1st DC was 6 months old. Huff. I just want to be a stay at home Mum. That, however, would mean we wouldn't have enough money coming in to meet the bills.

Just feel like having a rant and about 38 but that would ruin my diet!

Susie100 - if you cannot differentiate between telling someone to make an 'effort' and telling them to make a 'choice' then it's really no wonder that these threads end up the way that they do.

Orm - I apologise if I seemed dismisssive. I was/am frustrated that in the same way that you are. MY frustration is that those who HAVE been able to make the choices and decisions that they have ARE seen as smug/superior/rubbing noses in it. From my perspective, that's what many of the responses on this thread have implied.

OK,

Thanks for all your views. I was just asking for some good old fashioned advice and yes, whilst I 'only' work 13 hours a week, it's actually 15 hours a week that my LO is not with me and referring to Mummysgirl's post, I still have to do all the cooking, cleaning, mow the lawns, play with the children etc, just like everyone else does. I just do it in my days off, like any other working Mum.

My posts weren't meant to incite a riot . I have always felt that working and sending my children to childcare is gut-wrenching and I've felt that way even when I've had jobs I've enjoyed. I have been a SAHM albeit very briefly and I enjoyed every minute of it, and yes, I did get bored also.

There is no right answer to the SAHM?/WOHM argument, I just need some support from other Mums in the same situation. I'm thoroughly miserable and there are no other jobs out there that pay the same money. I don't earn lots but it's more than the average wage for PT around here. Downsizing isn't going to happen, not when nothing round here is selling.

I feel like I'm stuck in rut with no choices about whether or not I work. We need the money and I just need a motherly hug before I spend the rest of the day sobbing into a large glass of wine.

there is no universal answer to sahm/working
we all do what we believe to be right
hope this resolves well for you

"I plan to sit on the sofa eating biscuits and drinking tea whilst watching TV and surfing mumsnet fulltime."

What a plan, Libras.

I feel quite similar, there's plenty time yet to get out and work. If you can SAH as long as possible, why shouldn't you.

We made loads of sacrifices for me to stay at home. best thing I ever did. no regrets.

must feel so empowering to be inactive and beholden to someone else

one is earning money full-time, whilst the other does all the childcare. that's empowering enough. I wouldn't pay out on childcare costs, too tight for that.

speak for yourself scottishmummy, not everyone feels they have to be a slave to the system.

I think fair enough if you don't have a choice then you have to work. But if you do have that choice why shouldn't you SAH.

Certain posters being catty tonight. Is a full mooon.

i happily pay childcare so i can work,and am fond of biscuits

yes, you're seeing it from a different perspective. that's why my options to SAH seems utterly ridiculous. I don't work in order to avoid paying childcare costs.

lovechoc i asked that on another thread (or was it this one?). i knew there was a reason for all this bitching

I don't understand why I'm either inactive or beholden because I'm a SAHP.

such a divide when it comes to this topic, makes interesting reading

ScottishMummy.... Are you not beholden to your husband then? Because my DH and I are beholden to each other. He is to me because I am the only person, besides himself, he would want to raise our children and me to him because he earns the money.

I often think people that have to validate their own choices by ridiculing others really have no conviction in their own choice.

There's nothing more empowering than watching your children grow and thinking 'I did that'.

sassy - no problem! I suspect that we are both struggling with the assumptions that people make about us.

tinks

I am sorry that your post has kicked off such a war, NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

but from what you say you have no choice, you have to work right? So it sounds like me that your mini project needs to be to try and somehow get the work situation to improve?

some thoughts

ignore the egos, they are everywhere! at my place we call them "les greys"- try and let it wash over you

can you get some advice/coaching? There are millions of trainee advisors coaches who want to practice on people and there is no harm in getting some professional advice on how to address your working life, it does help

Try and remeber that for many people in 2009 work is SHIT, its just been a shocker of a year for obv reasons, you are not alone

Try and do some stress reducing exercise to get work out of your head, so you can forget about it when not there

good luck

We call them 'the suits' - they are everywhere.

Yeah I know the type. I've dealt with enough of them before. This type though, they're special because they feel they're all important because they're heard on the radio (even though they're unpaid). It's a cross between RADA / The Sylvia Plath school / ageing rockers / my show is better than your show / I'm so very important because I'm heard on the radio etc etc etc.

As I said, they're special and totally unavoidable as the Board are made up of them, I have to manage them and it's my job to deal with them all on a daily basis. There is literally no escape.

like Smashy and Nicey?

seems a certain poster hasn't managed to comment on her bitchy statement about women not being empowered if they are SAHP. Hmm, strange. Could they be feeling guilty perhaps, that their statement was not accurate and rather judgey.

It is empowering to be a SAHP (if you have that choice) and watch your own DC grow. And if you can do that, why shouldn't you????

Also, SAHPs don't all just sit around watching day time telly, some actually do distance learning, night school rather than taking the employment route etc. Does that make a SAHP lazy and inactive if they choose to study?? Really??

"I often think people that have to validate their own choices by ridiculing others really have no conviction in their own choice"

that's true, posieparker.

I don't go around slagging off mums that have to work, or choose to work. That's their choice and they have their reasons. But if you are a SAHP it's frowned upon. Like it's not quite a job in itself.

Inactive and lazy?!?!? I find looking after a just 3 year old and 1 year old (who I dont want to watch TV so need to be entertained) and keeping a house running incredibly busy. This is my first sit down of the day. Very different to my City job of course but still hard work though a hell of alot more fun.

Plus the beholden thing I dont get. DH would be pretty screwed without me - we are "beholden" to each other he needs me and I need him.

true, KERALA1 - that's how I view it. DH needs me to SAH to do the childcare part for most of the time, and I need him to bring home money so we can all have a nice life together, eat well, pay bills, go places etc.

We are beholden to each other, DH and I.

Yes, I've just got one DC at the moment, and it's hard work entertaining all the time, keeping the house in order and do everything else. I feel lucky to be in this position and I appreciate getting this chance to always be around.

what a weird way of looking at it some people have though...

haven't managed to read all the thread but felt I must reply cause am sort of feeling the same.

I left my "proper" job when I had DS 4.5 years ago...after my ML leave finished I got a part time job at weekends in a high street store so I work all day saturday/sunday every single weekend and my DH looks after my DS while Im at work.

It was amazing when he was small. I got to be a SAHM during the week but got to go to work and be "me" again at the weekends-however I have been doing it for 4 years now and quite frankly Im sick of it. Im sick of never ever spending any family time together and now my DS has started school its even worse. I can't even do hours during the week because its an hours journey each way which doesn't make it worthwhile. I can't do evening work cause DH never knows what time he is going to finish and Ive got nobody to look after DS as family live an hour away as well.

I ended up in tears on saturday morning at 6.30am which is what time I have to leave to get to work for 7.45am when my DS was begging me not to go cause he wanted to see me and do something with me...and quite honestly no money in the world makes up for that so am handing my notice in after christmas.

We are incredibly lucky at the moment as DH has got a relatively good and stable job and my money was for extra's which we will no longer have. Its all very well people (my mil for example) saying get a job in school hours because like me you all know how difficult that is!

Not sure where you are and where they cover but my friend just got a fantastic part-time job from womenlikeus.org.uk plus they do career coaching. Look for a different part-time job if you can't afford to be a SAHM. They are options for change. May be less money but maybe you can change your lifestyle.

I'm sorry you feel so unhappy (ignoring the war going on around us!).

ps. my DT's started school at 4 years 3 months and are loving it. Happiest they have ever been!