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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I'm missing out on my children when I go to work?

126 replies

TinksandFloris · 10/11/2009 18:10

Well, I mean, I absolutely hate my job. No really, I'm not joking.

If I have to spend one more day working with these egotistical maniacs I think I'm actually going to go round the twist.

My youngest DC goes to school next September at the grand old age of 4 years and 3 months (way too young IMO) and I feel like I've missed out on so much by being at work. I know it's only part-time but really, I just want to be at home and be a Mum for once.

All I've ever done is work. Basically since my 1st DC was 6 months old. Huff. I just want to be a stay at home Mum. That, however, would mean we wouldn't have enough money coming in to meet the bills.

Just feel like having a rant and about 38 but that would ruin my diet!

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 11/11/2009 14:29

Orm I am not going to argue numbers with you because a) I don't know exact numbers and b) I agree with most of what you said I think we will have to agree to disagree over the said absurdity of the idea....

susie100 · 11/11/2009 14:30

Did you say you work 13 hours a week only? That is not that much time away from the dc.

If they are taking the piss which is sounds as though they are then that is what you need to address.

I agree with the posters that say this is a job issue not a work issue.

Statr pushing back on evening meetings, don't answer your phone and see if you can re negotiate your pay and hours.

Can you find a more enjoyable job?

treedelivery · 11/11/2009 14:30

OP - you have my sympathy. It's a horrible feeling.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 11/11/2009 14:32

oh and I don't share biscuits, what do you think this is, some sort of democracy?

OrmIrian · 11/11/2009 14:32

Cheers sassy. I think I'll leave the hair shirt off if it's OK with you

How very rude and dismissive you are.

roneef · 11/11/2009 14:39

I think you need to rethink your lifestyle. working 13? hours a week is really not preventing you from being a good mum for your kids.

I don't know you, but I think you sound down about the particular job rather than whether you should have one.

If you can afford to give it up for a little while and see if you feel better.

Sassybeast · 11/11/2009 14:42

You're no slouch when it comes to rudeness yourself Orm.

So the OP should stick with her lot becasue there are people who can't afford to do what she wants to do ? And you think that's a reasonable point of view ? Seems a bit like you telling her that she can't have a Gucci handbag because YOU can't afford one. I've been a single parent, I've done the 14 hour shifts and been so bloody exhausted but I would never have dreamt of beating another human being with a stick over how hard my lot was and how they should be grateful. These threads ALWAYS turn out the same - hence my first post.

Libra - sod you then. You won't be wanting one of my jammie dodgers ?

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2009 14:43

You know, ive worked since my DD was 9 months old, first 9 months i worked full time as a lone parent.
It was too much and i switched to part time.
I had a short while as a sahm for 4 months...and thats what i wanted dearly, all that time i was working. But you know what, it was not what i thought it was going to be at all. i was glad to get back to work.
Ive just lost my job and am on week 3 ( also one week post surgery) and i am bored, DD is bored. I NEED adult company and stimulation. I cant help it, but i do and in fact im a better mum when ive had it. So on the days when i wished i didnt have to get out of bed and race around at 100mhp thats what i think....
im bored, today the highlight of the day was sorting DDs sock drawer...

OrmIrian · 11/11/2009 14:53

sassy - I wasn't rude.

I don't really care what the OP does. If she can give up work then she should, if she can't perhaps looking for a better job would work out. This isn't about the OP though.

But yes you are right, these threads always end up the same way. I just wish that SAHM wouldn't insist that everyone could do it if they chose to. Because everyone can't. And for many mother's it truly is heart-breaking. I don't doubt for a moment that having to work when my DD was tiny contributed hugely to my PND. I love my job now and in many ways I am glad I carried on working as I now have a career and a good salary that I might not have done if I had taken years off. But at the time it was terrible. and to say that with a little more 'effort' I could have stayed home is very dismissive. Regardless of what anyone chooses or is forced to do.

OrmIrian · 11/11/2009 14:54

And I didn't mention gratitude. I suspect you have been reading someone else's posts.

becstarlitsea · 11/11/2009 15:04

I used to earn 70% of our household income, paid most of the rent and bills, and am now mostly a SAHM with the odd few hours of consultancy work from home. It's weird, I was sure we couldn't afford it, and we were far from rich before I gave up work (no foreign holidays, car is worth less than £1000, small flat - that's when I was working and still the case now).

But my hand was forced by a sudden bout of ill health (encephalitis followed by meningitis) which was basically physical burnout. I just couldn't work anymore so we had to find a way to make it work.

Weirdly, our standard of living has improved although our income has dropped. We spend more time with our extended family and friends, we always get given veg from old blokes at the allotments who we chat to and we get windfall apples from our neighbours - we know all our neighbours now, whereas we never used to have time to talk - and we save a lot of money just because we have more time. We still live in central London which is a pricey place to live in some ways, but cheap in others (free museums, lots of parks and playgrounds, lots of free creches and playgroups, brilliant libraries, cheap sports facilities).

But it's not for everyone. Giving up work was the right thing for me because I was so unhappy that it was quite literally killing me - in a less extreme situation I don't think I would have contemplated it. And there are downsides - being a SAHM isn't easier than being WOHM, it's just stressful in different ways, and those different ways seem to be less corrosive to my health!

So to the OP, if you want to do it, you can do it. But if it's just dissatisfaction rather than real unhappiness, the advice to change your job might be the way to go.

foxinsocks · 11/11/2009 15:06

I agree with Orm sassy

and no-one was saying what you are implying - if anyone has the chip it's you

I don't care what people do, I really don't. But in the OP's case, when she has worked in a job she's liked, she's implied from her posts that she was perfectly happy making this sound more like a job issue than a work issue.

That's all.

Taramuddle · 11/11/2009 15:10

On the point about your child starting scool, your child must legally start being 'educated' the first term after she is 5 years old, you can defer a year if you want more time together.

mummygirl · 11/11/2009 15:15

yawn-yawn at the SAHM -WOHM argument, hasn't it been done to death enough times already?

OP , YABU to feel like you're missing out on your children for going to work 13 hours a week. I know SAHMs who feel that they miss out on their children because they have to carry on with cleaning-cooking-washing-shopping etc. while entertaining the children and they feel that they do everything halfway. And don't think that being a SAHM is easy, it can be please-someone-shoot-me-dull and extraordinarilly demanding at the same time. I did for about a year after I had my second (I lived in greece then and got 12 months maternity leave at 100% of my salary) and it was the worst time of my life -went back to work to escape depression.

It seems to me that your problem is with the job and management, rather than the fact that you work outside the house. See if you can tackle the actual problem rather than throw in the towel and (possibly?) regret it soon. You always have more options (change the situation in your current job, find another job) while you're still working.

Good luck x

SouthMum · 11/11/2009 15:16

Agree with Orm - What a load of turd to say that anyone can be a SAHM.

Our bills are more than DP earns, thats before the food and extras ('here' is in an ex-council house in a shite cheap, not so desireable area so downsizing isn't possible, let alone an option)

I work ft from 8.30am - 6pm and it kills me to leave DS in the mornings. Its even worse when I discover that "he's already done that" when I proudly announce to family that he has tried to clap or something.

At the end of the day it was my choice to want a family, but I didn't realise leaving him would be so hard to deal with and to hear people trot out "ooooh its easy to be a SAHM anyone can do it" is just utter imagination and actually pretty smug sounding.

Sassybeast · 11/11/2009 15:25

Orm and Southmum - can you please direct me to the posts when anyone has said that everyone/anyone can be a SAHM if they make the effort ? Thanks

DuelingFanjo · 11/11/2009 15:26

Could you get a job you like more?

mummygirl · 11/11/2009 15:27

sassybest, here:

By RealityBites Wed 11-Nov-09 12:24:43
Downsize.

Give up nice food, cars, pensions, holidays, anything you can.

It is ALWAYS possible to be a SAHM, it is teh lifestyle you lead that dictates it.

I'm not suggesting all WOHMs are living the life of luxury, either, but there are always alternatives.

My sister 'has' to go back to work and constantly bemoans the fact. But I happen to know their mortgage and basic bills are the same as ours and her DH earns more than my DP.

If you want to make changes you could

SouthMum · 11/11/2009 15:32

No probs Sassybeast, see the post from RealityBites Wed 11-Nov-09 12:24:43

Sassybeast · 11/11/2009 15:38

Thanks mummygirl - thought I was going mad. Or more worringly that 'I' was being accused of saying it To clarify - 'I' KNOW that not everyone can be a SAHM. I couldn't have done it 5 years ago. I couldn't do it if DH lost his job tomorrow. But for now I can. And if my job/career was amking me as unhappy as the OP, I wanted to be a SAHM and I was in a position to be a SAHM then I would. With no hesitation at all. And to go back to the OP, of course it's not unreasonable to miss your kids like crazy when you are at work - especially if it's a job you hate and again IF you are in a position to do it, then take a leap of faith and do it.

Sassybeast · 11/11/2009 16:08

And Orm - I've just skimmed all of my posts on this thread again and at no point did 'I' say that being a SAHM mum simply involved more effort - I've talked about choices and decsions NOT effort.

susie100 · 11/11/2009 16:14

It is basically the same thing, you are implying it is up to the individual and it is often not.

It is dependent on whether you have married rich enough/with a good enough to support you.

susie100 · 11/11/2009 16:14

That should say good enough job!

OrmIrian · 11/11/2009 16:21

No. I don't think you did. I only responded to you because your post was particularly unkind and breezily dismissive.

Whether 'decision and choices', if they are hard, can be described as 'effort' is mere semantics.

posieparker · 11/11/2009 16:28

The world is full of possibilities. Strange that on this thread a suggestion made by one post causes so much shit. If I suggest on a style/beauty thread that someone should dye their hair brown, people don't go crazy.
Reality was offering an idea, a positive idea in response to an OP. Jeez, she didn't suggest the OP sell crack.
Some people are not cut out to be full time (as in SAH) parents and some are not cut out to spend work time away from their children. Neither is right/wrong or better just different.

The ideal for me is a little business at home, just starting to design and import traditional children's coats without crazy prices, looking after my dcs and able to take and pick the school age ones up from school. I would hate to miss out on milestones and am glad that it's me that they turn to whenever they want. HOWEVER, there are days when I am so bored, feel undervalued and feel I have nothing to contribute to a conversation....but SAHM is still best for me.