to feel like I'm missing out on my children when I go to work?

[TinksandFloris]

Well, I mean, I absolutely hate my job. No really, I'm not joking.

If I have to spend one more day working with these egotistical maniacs I think I'm actually going to go round the twist.

My youngest DC goes to school next September at the grand old age of 4 years and 3 months (way too young IMO) and I feel like I've missed out on so much by being at work. I know it's only part-time but really, I just want to be at home and be a Mum for once.

All I've ever done is work. Basically since my 1st DC was 6 months old. Huff. I just want to be a stay at home Mum. That, however, would mean we wouldn't have enough money coming in to meet the bills.

Just feel like having a rant and about 38 but that would ruin my diet!

No, he can't do any O/T as there isn't any and he works in London. He's already out the house 50 hours a week.

I don't want to be financially dependent on anyone entirely. It's just nice to be able to take some time off to enjoy your children whilst they are still small and dependent on you.

I could take an evening job but then I have to consider a reduction in wages as I'm on not a bad PT wage at the moment....

Got my childminder induction course in a couple of weeks. I love children and much prefer their company to adults!

and in answer to OP, YANBU. i am on mat leave at the minute and it has really made me realise what i'm missing out on with ds1 (4) my monthly wage wouldnt cover the cost of two in part time childcare and i'm seriously considering taking a 5 year career break. that would have me going back to work when ds2 is almost 6 (would also like another dc (or 2) before then) i really do feel that i'm missing out the most important years. i also worked from ds1 was 5 months old and now that ds2 is the sam e age i just cant imagine going back now and leaving him. i really do understand your situation, i hate my job and its definitely not worth what im sacrificing at home. but hopefully i will be able to take a break and go back in a few years with my pension still in place.

i'm sure there is something you can do. why dont you set yourself a date by which to have a decision made by. ie; changing job/leaving work/ retraining/childminding. look into reducing costs at home, there are alot of things that we think we need which in fact we can do very well without. (daily newspapers/ shop bought lunch/ weekly hair appointments?)

I sit on my arse eating biscuits all day and I get paid for it. Tis fab!

I'd love to be a sahm and dependent on a man .

I agree with scottishmummy, once babys all at school then what? even more, you may wish to work more hours then? def look for another job, work does not have to equal misery

I gave up a well paid job to become SAHM and I KNOW I would have missed out on a lot if I hadn't.

We didn't think that we would be able to afford it- we shopped at Tesco before and still do now. We do manage quite well though- we don't buy many clothes or other luxury items and I spend the bare minimum on make up etc. We do still manage holidays (in the UK) and days out etc.

Scottishmummy- it will be 4 years before my youngest starts school (none of them are at school yet!) and I can already think of a million things to do to fill the time- starting off with sitting on the sofa eating biscuits

These are some of the things I am planning
-to finally be able to keep the house properly clean and tidy
-to shop and cook lovely nutritious meals every day
-to finally be able to attend to the garden properly (huge garden) and hopefully start a veg patch
-to exercise (swim/bike/run) on a regular basis
-to decorate the house
-to use my sewing maching
-to start painting/drawing again

Wow I'm exhausted just reading this list I think I'll be busy enough! Can't wait.

Booyhoo completely agree with you about being mutually dependant on each other.

Even if I was earning it would all be going in to the same pot and DH would have to pull his finger out WRT the housework/cooking and he wouldn't like that!

So did I MollieO my old job had a FREE biscuit cupboard (and I'm talking the good stuff hobnobs (choc and plain), digestives (choc and plain), shortbread, fruitshortcake, choc bourbons, custard creams etc). Plus I only had to actually do some real work about 10 days a year. I think I don't want to get another job as I might actually have to work for a living....

Many women whose partners also work are just as screwed if DP clears off as they need the money to put a roof over their heads since the bills depend on the dual income. Few people are not dependant on anyone, a working person is financially dependent on their job, they could easily loose that. We could all be screwed in some cases. Only if you can pay all your bills on your own are you truly financially independant (and again most people state they have to work to pay shared basic bills).

Like another poster, DH depends on me for childcare, I/kids depend on what he earns, we do it all between us. Why involve a 3rd party (childcare) just to be 'equal' in some people's eyes? We feel better doing it ourselves and not depending on others.

Also it's all very well to say once the children are at school what are you going to do, children going to school doesn't mean the house doesn't need cleaning anymore, or the food shopping doesn't need doing, or the car servicing forgotten, or the clothes washing disappears, or the cooking of meals stops it's just you get to do all those without little monkeys hanging off your ankles. Why just because the children have gone to school should the SAHP suddenly have to get a job and still do all those other things it's not a requirement to get into heaven that you have to fill every minute of every day with a task.

thatsnotmymonster I like your list may pinch a few ideas when DS starts school!

I think you're feeling crap because you don't like your job. You said you were happy in your old place.

Just be careful confusing unhappiness with work = being at home. If you loved your other jobs, I'd be tempted to try and find another job first before chucking it all in.

I am a SAHM but also work part time from home, I still have two children at home so dont get alot done but I do earn a little extra. Perhaps something like this would be good for you? so you still earn but also see your children more.

Totally agree with tryharder. I'm ttc at the moment, both DP and I have decent jobs.

If I wanted to be a SAHM in the future, we'd have to stay in the flat we currently live in. Were I to go back to work, we'd have to er, stay in the flat we currently live in. Where we live, only millionaires can live in big houses, indeed only millionaires can live in houses at all. It's flats for us mere mortals.

If people have the option to downsize from a big house then great, but most people are starting from the pov of a house they wish was bigger and in a better location anyway.

Agree with tryharder.

It really is time to kill off that absurd idea that most working mums do it for fun and a lovely lifestyle. It will persist and I don't know why. Why is it so hard to beleive that a woman's salary might actually be the backbone of her family's income? For many of us we have to work and no amount of tinkering will alter that ineluctable fact.

So frustrating to see this time and time again on MN.

But OP has said she works part time.

ah yes the stereotypical avaricious working mum only works for handbags dont ya know

nothing concrete or purposeful
like supporting family
paying mortgage
buying groceries
or maintaining career
or enjoying working and employment

Whilst I totally agree with you Morris and Orm that some women HAVE to work you also get women who say thing like "well it's ok if you don't have to work" meaningful glance my way despite the fact she knows nothing about our finances "but I would love to stay at home but we can't afford it" this is five minutes after talking about buying a new mini cooper, that's why it's not an absurb idea it really does exist however going to work to afford luxuries is a perfectly valid thing to do imho just don't whine about wanting to stay home.

I'm a childminder and though I'm here at the mo it's very busy and thought I'd try and warn you it's difficult to give your children all the time and attention you would like to because of the commitment this job needs and the parents expect.

I start work at 7.30am to pick my first mindee up, I finish at 6.15ish when I have dropped my last mindee off. In the meantime I have 2 full time mindees under 3, my 2 dd's (4 not at school and my 10yr old) and 2 after schoolers (5 and 10). I do 21 school/ nursery runs per week. 5 toddler groups, I make an average of 70 plates of food per week, then theres the cleaning up that 6 children make per day even though I have a cleaner once a week it's still a lot of cleaning.
Theres the paperwork too currently I have to keep on top of:
medical book
attendance book
risk assessments (one for every trip, one for each toddler group, long and short car journeys, walking, soft play etc, in depth one for my home and garden)
I have to sign a sheet daily to say I have risk assessed and the actions I took.
Fire drill record
Keep up to date with policies
Advertising if needed (flyers, business cards)
a daily diary for each child planning activities and linking them to the eyfs, taking photos and including them in with it all.
Accounts

A lot of the paperwork has to be done outside my working hours as do courses for various things.

Other problems are not being paid on time, being given notice, late pick up's etc

Of course the job is rewarding otherwise i wouldn't do it but if I had known everything invloved when I first thought about it I probably would have thought twice. I just wish I didn't work so many hours and my own children got more attention, because they are older and I'm not being paid to look after them sometimes they do get overlooked, I do my best but I don't spend nearly as much time as I would like to with just my children they are always having to share me and at weekends they often go to grandparents with their dad so I can catch up on paperwork. I can't work less hours without giving notice to the children I have and I've had them all such a long time I couldn't do that and I get on really well with their parents it's just taht over time the childcare requirements have changed and I've had to accomodate their needs.

you can't ever know what people's personal circumstances are though Libra

this is one area where I do feel sorry for men. Dh and I were talking about this the other night after Gaby Hinscliff's article in the Observer (about her giving up her job as political editor).

It was all about how hard it was for her etc. etc.

Reality of the matter is that SAHM would not have that 'luxury' (if you want to call it that) without a working partner. How often do we hear men considering whether they could stay at home or not - very rarely happens that way round tbh but there's no reason why it shouldn't, especially when both partners are earning similar money.

here here ormiran, applauds wildly

no amount of tinkering with our finances will mean i can leave work
my salary pays half the mortgage

I disagree that it's just some women libra. I think it's more than just some. IME it is most of them. I do live in an area of quite low-pay and increasing housing prices though.

I just find it incredibly insulting and undermining that my job, of which I am quite proud - also the fact that I have supported my family all these years, single-handedly for a while - is seen as just a little extra cash on the side. Not essential. If we tried a bit harder we could manage without. Makes me feel as if I've wasted the last 12 years.

RB - If I could afford it and if there was call for it but theres not I hardly ever get calls for after school care, one after schooler is the sibling of 1 of my under 5's and I had her from 3yrs old.

I hardly ever get asked for holiday care either although currently I'm full, well as full as I want to be, don't want more than a car full even though legally I could have more.

How unrefreshingly predictable

Leaving work is an option for some women who decide to become a SAHM. How very dare they be in that position ? To the OP - I posted to illustrate that making adjustments/sacrifices/adaptations means that you CAN become a SAHM. I was in your position once and I have absolutely no regrets about the decisons that DH and I made.

I don't care if other people don't make the same decision. I'm not interested in being told that I'm lucky to have been in the position to do it and 'woe is me' posts have the potential to get on my norks if I was bothered enough. Just because other people can't afford/don't want to make the decision that you may, doesn't meant that they are any different/better/worthier/hair shirt wearing than you are.

Now Libra - pass the biscuits you greedy caw.

No real advice to offer OP except to say I completely sympathise. My DD is almost 2, I work from home - so basically part time but I'm freelance and find it really, really hard to juggle everything because my hours are so irregular so I often end up working until late in the evening and also, because I am based at home and DH does v long hours I take care of all the household stuff. Often it feels like I'm just working and sorting out cleaning/house admin while the childminder does all the fun stuff with DD.

My situation is different from yours in that I know I could make some lifestyle changes and survive on DH's salary but part of me wants to work. I suppose I'm scared that I'd somehow lose part of my identity if I were to give up what I do and that people just wouldn't take me seriously any more. There would be plenty of those "well, if you don't 'have' to work" sort of glances that Libra is talking about. And on the few occasions when work has dried up for a couple of weeks I know I've actually felt quite scared by being a SAHM and thought perhaps it isn't for me.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it's a very difficult balance to strike and the people who make the decision to be a SAHM or WOHM and are 100% happy with it are few and far between. (I congratulate all of them wholeheartedly btw!) A change of job might well be what you need to feel better about your situation but in the meantime be reassured that the majority of mums question their choices all the time and worry that maybe they've missed out etc - I think so anyway.