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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I'm missing out on my children when I go to work?

126 replies

TinksandFloris · 10/11/2009 18:10

Well, I mean, I absolutely hate my job. No really, I'm not joking.

If I have to spend one more day working with these egotistical maniacs I think I'm actually going to go round the twist.

My youngest DC goes to school next September at the grand old age of 4 years and 3 months (way too young IMO) and I feel like I've missed out on so much by being at work. I know it's only part-time but really, I just want to be at home and be a Mum for once.

All I've ever done is work. Basically since my 1st DC was 6 months old. Huff. I just want to be a stay at home Mum. That, however, would mean we wouldn't have enough money coming in to meet the bills.

Just feel like having a rant and about 38 but that would ruin my diet!

OP posts:
shockers · 11/11/2009 12:52

I'm having this thought at the moment. One thing that worries me is losing my identity in the 'grown up world'.

scottishmummy · 11/11/2009 12:53

who pays broadband,mortgage,biscuits whilst you sit on your arse?

jellybeans · 11/11/2009 12:53

Does it matter if someone else things we are doing nowt? If we are happy? Why do paid work if you don't want/need to? Why sell your time when you can have it to yourself?

I have another baby now but before him and when my older DC were at school I was very busy. In part, as my DH has his days off in the week (he works Sat/Sun) so all our weekend stuff is done in the weekdays he is off. But also school quickly realise who are the SAHMs and are always asking for helpers in school/on trips etc.

wheresmypaddle · 11/11/2009 12:54

Sassy am suprised you were 'shot down in flames' for making those decisions- personally I applaud you.

Our situation is similar. I had a well paid job before DS but since beoming a mum have chosen to work part time- this has drastically reduced our household income and as such we have had to make sacrifices to make this work: stayed in small house (which I love), no holidays abroad, no designer or luxury shopping, tight rein on all spending.

This works for us but it is not for everyone and I totally respect that. I wanted to stay at home and spend as much time with DS (2.7) as possible and our arrangement has allowed me to do just that. I am conscious that I will never be able to reclaim this precious time with him. I am pleased with this decision.

Some friends and colleagues see me as selfish/lazy for not working FT but they have a different outlook on the situation, I try not to let it get to me.

My longer-term plan is to work more hours once DS is at school. Although I am beginning to realise that as schools finish around 3.30 this may not be as easy as I originally anticipated.

It comes down to doing what works for you- downsizing your life (not the correct term but sure you get the drift) is not for everyone but I think it could work for you- simply because you clearly want to be at home with DC more.

Sassybeast · 11/11/2009 12:56

Scottishmummy - how angry you sound sweetie. I make my own biscuits - shall I send you some ?

jellybeans · 11/11/2009 12:57

lol at sat on my arse! I was the only volunteer in my kids class and also I enable my DH to work odd hours. I also study 16 hrs a week, yes sat on my butt as it is with the OU!

Anyway, about loosing your identity, I had those worries at first but your identity is far more than paid work (look at all the retired people!) and there are plenty of things to do with your time. I am very happy at home and can always choose to go back to work if I want/need to.

scottishmummy · 11/11/2009 12:58

sassy i was addressing libra's answer,not you.

fruitshootsandheaves · 11/11/2009 12:59

I have been a SAHM for 16 years and I am now back at college retraining in the same course I did originally 20 years ago.
I will get a job next year and if it isn't based on what I have trained for I will be disappointed but I am thinking that any job will be good. I feel worthless and uncomfortable around people when I tell them I am a SAHM but that my children are all at school.
With hindsight I wouldn't do it again. It is SO hard to get back into some lines of work if you give up completely. Everything moves on so fast that your skills and qualifications soon mean nothing unless you stay up to date.
I won't be encouraging my DD's to be SAHM's

jellybeans · 11/11/2009 13:02

fruitshootandheaves my mum is the opposite and says she regrets working and should have been around more!!

fishie · 11/11/2009 13:03

13 hours a week isn't much. job sounds horrible though. is there much call for childminders where you live?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 11/11/2009 13:06

"who pays broadband,mortgage,biscuits whilst you sit on your arse?"

Dh, isn't that what they are for?

scottishmummy · 11/11/2009 13:09

not being financially dependent on anyone else i wouldn't know

i pay my share of mortgage and free run of biscuits

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 11/11/2009 13:12

"not being financially dependent on anyone else i wouldn't know"

oh you make it sound like being financially dependent on someone else is a bad thing, it's not it means I get to stay home, watch TV and eat biscuits all day

Tryharder · 11/11/2009 13:13

What if you want to give up FT work to be a SAHM but already live in a small house, buy second hand clothes, Aldi food, last holiday was 3 days in Skegness in caravan? Unfortunately for too many reason to name here, DH is not currently working and the onus on supporting us falls to me. It never ceases to amaze me how on mn SAH or WOH is seen as a lifestyle choice. If you have the "luxury" (or good sense ) to be married to someone earning a decent wage, then, yes you have a choice. Some of us don't.

I'm off work for a month now (leave owed to me from MATL) - it's great! Jeremy Kyle... Tricia...walks with DS2... proper cooking, house is tidy, ironing pile less than 3ft....

RealityBites · 11/11/2009 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 11/11/2009 13:14

and actually unless you can cover all costs currently accrued by you and your family i.e. all the mortgage and bills not just a share, you ARE financially dependent on someone. (I don't know your circumstances if you are a lone parent ot not)

seaglass · 11/11/2009 13:15

DH and I made the decision for me to be a SAHM - I didn't want to be a part time mother - my brothers/sisters and I spent a large amount of time growing up being looked after by nannies/au pairs/nursery etc, and neither of us wanted the same thing for our dc's.
Now mine are all at school, I do some cleaning to help make ends meet.
If being a SAHM is what you really want, then the sacrifices are completely worth it.
Just be sure in your mind that it is what you want, and not just being unhappy in a crap job

posieparker · 11/11/2009 13:19

Find another job that really floats your boat, maybe that will fulfill you?

Alternatively, although not very MN to say, the truth is if you feel you're missing out then you probably are. Many woman work and feel it is great for them, their self esteem, their sanity and/or because they love their job. Whilst they still feel that they miss out the 'missing out' is worth what they get from their job. No parent goes to work leaving a child with a Nanny/CM/relative or nursery without some emotional tear.

Could you take a little break and stay at home?

Original poster
TinksandFloris · 11/11/2009 13:20

I don't think a look @ the contract will work. My boss has told me that I can't take any time off between Xmas and New Yr as she wants to, even though she knows I don't have access to any childcare over that time. Her response? Take the children to work with you!

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 11/11/2009 13:22

my OH is dependant on me to run the house and raise his children, i am dependant on him to earn the money to keep us. are we wrong for that? should we both be totally independant of each other and not consult at all on our children, live in separate homes and split childcare equally?

being dependant on someone isnt necessarily a weakness.

wheresmypaddle · 11/11/2009 13:23

Tryharder - you have made a good point and you are right it is a lifestyle choice for some but that is not the case for everyone.

Enjoy your time off!!

Original poster
TinksandFloris · 11/11/2009 13:24

Booyhoo, I totally agree. My DH says he's glad I work as he didn't want to marry someone who sees him as a 'meal ticket'. I find that a massive insult TBH. Since when has caring for your family meant that you want a free meal ticket?

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 11/11/2009 13:26

Being financially dependant on someone else is fine until unless they fuck off.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/11/2009 13:29

can you find an evening job like waitroise or take on ironing and do at home?

downsize house or extend mortgage by 5/10 years to reduce monthly payments

maybe dh could do over time?

shootfromthehip · 11/11/2009 13:31

I don't envy you OP- my argument in these situations is normally that a happy Mummy makes a happy child- if you want to work for your sanity, your kids will be happier but that doesn't take into account those that need to work rather than wanting to. Equally if you don't want to work and sit on your arse eating biscuits all day and it makes you happy then so be it.

What is sad is when someone feels like they are trapped in a situation that makes them miserable- then you have to make a change.

I've been off for 5 1/2 yrs and that was a choice and it has meant some rather 'lean' yrs around here and a lot of pressure and money worries. However, I don't feel like I have missed anything with my DC so the trade-off has been worth it (even thought the boredom of it has nearly strangled me at points). My youngest starts nursery in Jan and I am hoping to go back to work pt for the money and for me- I'm ready to start getting my career back on track now but I would have hated to be forced to do that before now- until I was ready. But like everything else it all comes at a price (mentally adds up credit cards, shudders and then forgets it all again).

Good luck with whatever you decide.