I don't want DD to be looked after her MIL just yet

[anonymous85]

Long story sorry guys

FH's parents have been away for a few weeks, and have offered to look after DD on fri night while we go to a party and DH said yes. They wanted some time with DD after being away - which is fair enough I want them to too but -

His sister and husband and 3 children are still living there - they move out next week. His sister and mother both are into childcare and are very full on, but the last few visits I've been disgusted by their behaviour AIBU??

One time they had DD while I was at work, I come inside to hear DH's sister yelling out "dobbers wear nappies!" in a bratty toned voice - then I see her son yelling this in DD's face. He is was 4 in sept our DD is 4 in Dec. I was shocked, being in childcare you'd think you would say to stop that - but she's teaching him to say this to our DD!

Another time they're playing games - their own that they play all the time and DD hadn't before, she of course lost and 4yr Nephew and 5 yr old Niece are calling DD a loser and mocking. Again SIL and MIL don't say anything - like that's not nice etc - I know I would!

They're encouraging the niece to be a leader - she use to be very shy now she's out there and mega bossy, talks to DD pretty rudely, she can't say her "f's" and says stuff like hairy instead of fairy and niece mocks her. Bosses her around - do this and that blah blah - know it's normal, but if that was DD I'd say play nicely. MIL and SIL have gone onto saying infront of DD she's the boss, becuase she's the eldest - trying to boost her DD up but hello DD's old enough to play nicely and doesn't need a boss.

Last get together they got the niece to sit at the adult table. DD then asks "how come _ is sitting at the big table" MIL quickly pipes up, "because she is 5 and a half and older than you", there's no way my mum would have said something like that. I felt like saying to my DD you can have a turn too if you want - and I will next time.

DD starts crying at one of the concerts the niece bosses the kids around to do and SIL make a deal out of it -"oh shy!!" and she never is. I know that DD is sensitive and heard the way the niece was talking to her and that way the reason, she never normally is shy. Another time it was DD's turn and niece wouldn't let her ago too busy saying do this do that and I was like "it's DD's turn now" and I noticed SIL didnt' say a word and enjoyed her DD being the boss too much to care - we were all the audience of it.

SIL has sat on the floor with her two playing games - not bothering to include DD who is right there and she has once been upset.

And lastly the last get together she hit DD in the head, DD never really crys but was bawling, and finally told me and SIL what happened - niece hit her in the head with the wand - SIL didn't bother getting her to say sorry.

Anyways, I posted something similar one time before. SIL asked to have DD to look after 'to give me a break" I'm pregnant but only 19 w and she has 3 under 5. I said we are busy and I'll see her at the next gathering. NOW MIL has asked DH and he said yes and she's going to be around both of them. One other time too I heard the way the niece was talkign to DD and other newphew and I said "those poor kids being bossed around like that get this " and MIL again quickly pipes back "If they didn't want to be there they wouldn't. Afterwards SIL was almost begging to look after DD, like it's no problem - look at today they were off playing happily by themselves I just know deep down, she would be all about her own kids, and like use our DD, and try and bring her confidence down and practice for her DD's confidence being a leader before she goes off to school next year - she is very bright and advanced - can write her own stories and awesome pics - the reason she held her back was because of her being shy and not confident.

I just don't want her alone with the SIL or MIL with the others - I don't trust them and want to be there to see what they're up to, want to look out for our DD. I know they're all about working on their children's weaknesses and boosting them up - but not to the expense of DD.

AIBU to say we just want to take DD, the party is horror and more adult but I really don't want to stay long anyway, she can be our get away excuse. Am I being silly?? I just really do not trust them esp when I'm not around!

YANBU. If you dont trust someone with your child, you can't have them look after her.

However, maybe you should say more if your DD is being put down in such a way? You don't have to be confrontational in front of the kids - you could encourage your DD instead, to boost her confidence. E.g. Praise your DD without mentioning the bad behaviour of the others.

I'd also pull your SIL/MIL to one side and pull them up on their behaviour. To avoid coming across as unreasonable, you should focus on one specific example to illustrate your point (as opposed to "you always do x/y/z") and state how you feel about it and how your DD feels. They mightget defensive but leave them to think about it and they might come round. Your DH could back you up in that conversation?

I would leave her for a couple of hours. At 4 she is old enough to understand that their behavour is unacceptable in your home. Unfortunately when she starts school she will come across behavour like this on a regular basis no matter how good the school is she goes to. My DG was kept away from all that kind of behavour. She didn't go to kindi,consequently when she started school last year she became miserable and said that she didn't like school because some of the children were very rude and bossy. Her teacher said she was a delight because she was so kind and innocent and agreed that some of the children in her class were obnoxious twits. As long as you teach your DD how to behave and not use bad language and explain that everyone is different but not necessarily bad she should be ok.

That would be a no for me.

It would have to be a dire emergency for me to leave her with them.

And it doesn´t sound as if MIL will be much better when the others move out.

YANBU - they are not treating dd fairly, it's not a good place to leave her

"Unfortunately when she starts school she will come across behavour like this on a regular basis no matter how good the school is she goes to."

I really disagree with this. Appalling behaviour, such as that described in the OP, is not universally found in schools.

I think that there are two issues.

The first and most immediate one is whether to leave DD at MIL's house.

The second is the treatment of your DD by your niece and that your SIL condones this, and indeed encourages it.

You have to tackle the second before you can feel happy about the first.

Can you talk to MIL and tell her that you are a bit worried that your niece will be unkind to DD (using one example, not bringing out a list of them).

Does MIL see that they are unkind to her?

Tbh, you do have to let her fight her own battles. Once she goes to school I am afraid that she will on occasion be faced with this kind of behaviour.

She will have to learn to stand up to other children, but she should not need to learn to stand up to adult bullies.

Sounds to me like your MIL is like mine her precious daughter and her child just need to stamp their feet and get what they want and they are blind to said child being manipulative and sly (shes nearly 13)we live 2 streets away hubby works long hours and she moans she never sees him when I tell her neither do I her attitude is but he's my son hubby can't stand her she's always treated him differently to his sister and 2 brothers she doesn't even send our kids a birthday card yet his brother and sisters kids get one.I'd keep her away as it took a lot for us to undo the damage to our youngest who's now 14.

If she does come across it at school, it should be from a position of knowing it's not acceptable and she should never have to put up with it. That's harder if you've knowingly put her in a situation where her aunt, cousins and grandma do it.

I think if I were to leave her there it would only be if I'd had a lot of talking with her, not just to her, about it, first. How does she feel about going there? Four is quite little to 'distance' herself from their behaviour and to be clear that it's not deserved.

YANBU, its your DD and if you feel they are not treating her fairly (which it really seems like they are not) then you have every right to be upset. You should take her with you and like you said you also have a good reason to leave early. If ILs don't like it, tough. How dare they use your DD to boost another childs confidence, it sounds awful and is only going to make your DD feel bad. Do what you want to do. HTH.

Thanks so much for your replies guys

I'm going to take DD along to the party on friday, going to say there's going to be a fair few other children there and that we wont be there long.

I really don't think MIL would understand, SIL is always going on that she has the eldest grandchild (like she has some special rights) - even though she isn't really there's a nephew but he's "not blood" apparently rollseyes she's so pathetic. The niece is very advanced and MIL is always bragging about her doing this and that - doubt she would side with what her and SIL are doing is wrong by her other GC.

I was thinking maybe I should be getting DD to toughen up instead of being a softy - let her be a brat and just get away with it. I remember talking to SIL about how I love the old school stuff like Carebears and Babar and how nice they are and good meanings etc - she went on how "sickly" all those shows are - can't stand them. See she plays top 40 songs all the time - kids know all about Beyonce and all the "cool" stuff. All bragging about something. Maybe I should be trying to get DD to be into the cool stuff not the nice stuff. So she's cool and not a pushover at school. I was talking with her childcare teacher about it all, and how last 2 times she's been crying and is never normally like that, she was saying how DD sort of leads at cc - would start something off then go onto another thing, and wouldn't know how to take playing like that off the niece. And really I can't see the teachers allowing all that. Anways. Meh going to avoid them.

Is this really nasty - but I was thinking about Christmas. See every get together it's all about the SIL and she takes over and all you hear is her goddamm voice and opinions and bitching on everyone and everything. BIL and his wife can't stand her even more too. Last Christmas GP spent heaps more on them as well buying them a big trampoline coming out with the box plus all their individual gifts as well. I was thinking.... If they say they're doing lunch I'll say ok then get back and say my sides doing lunch we'll be over for dinner, and that way SIL will be there for lunch and we avoid them on Christmas day but still see his side, SIL would have already organised her husbands side.

Was also thinking I could play her game too hey. She goes on getting her DS to say "dobbers wear nappies" to my DD I could easily say in front of her with her DD carrying on to my DD " is a bossy boots" getting DD to say it (encouraging DD to stick up for HERSELF!)

But I know I don't have the balls to do that

Thanks again everyone felt good to read it and know I'm understood.

Er no don't lower yourself to their level.

Personally I would distance myself and most importantly my DD ,from toxic people like that.
No ffing way on earth I let my DD be an emotional punchbag to give another child confidence. WTF is that about, its plain sick IMO.
Damage limitation all the way, keep away as much as possible.

Nooo!

Don´t become like them!

Make plans for your own Christmas!

definitely like my MIL I'd avoid her like the plague, once suggested taking her on holiday to hubby he was horrified but we take my mum she treats all her grandkids the sames sons or daughters children.

Maybe not teach her something nasty to say back, but think it would definitely be worth teaching her something to say back. No need to mention the DN's name, but something along the lines of 'and only bullies talk about it' or 'only nasty people say nasty things' so that she is attacking the behaviour rather than the person IYSWIM...

I'm sure that others will have a much better idea of what to say than that, but you get the drift! Even just 'stop bullying me' might work - what would happen if she were to then tell your mil or sil that dn is bullying her. And then she could tell you when you pick her up and then you could ask mil and sil to make sure that she isn't bullied.

And the more the dn does nasty stuff that your dd can have her line to say, the more she will see that the dn is a nasty piece of work and therefore to ignore her and use her as an example of how not to treat people...

Do you feel able to tell your niece/nephew off when they are being unkind, since your sil/dil do not?
There is no reason why you shouldn't make your own plans for Christmas either.
How does your DH feel about this?

Oops sorry MIL not dil!

I haven't read all the messages. But I think this goes way deeper than just not being comfortable with them looking after DD. It seems you have a major problem with SIL and MIL (your thinking that SIL is using your DD as a practice ground to being boss at school is imo a bit extreme as a viewpoint.....).

From your post, I can see a few things jumping out. Where is your husband on this? Seems he either doesn't know your concerns, or isn't backing you up on them. You are perhaps being a bit 'precious first born' - no offence. But most importantly you should not leave your child with people you don't trust - for whatever reason, be that founded or not. And your husband should support you on that.

You should still allow DD to see the in laws if that is what DH wants - but you should be there. And you need to take responsibility for monitoring what is going on. If your neice or nephew do something unacceptable, you need to tell them off - as you would at a toddlers group to another child. Show DD how important manners and standing up for yourself is - and that that can be done without being cruel...

I agree that you should try to encourage your DD to become more confident but not by sinking to your SIL's level.

Also, don't feel that you have to 'toughen her up' by encouraging her to play with more grown up toys. She is not even 4yo yet. Let her be a child.

Have your Christmas without them, and enjoy it.

Thanks again.

PotPouri DH is supportive, he's seen other stuff himself he's not happy with and spoken up himself, and cannot stand his sister and avoids her and his mum, they're both full on personalities - he likes to be left alone!

I do have issues with SIL and MIL for sure, they aren't the type of people I'd want to hangout with in my spare time, they are tiring and full on and I've got completely different ideas to my SIL. If only you knew how SIL works and met her you would see this is deliberate - she is all about herself and chn - like obsessive it's tiring when it's get together time.

I agree with pot pourri. If any relatives either mine or my husband's treated my kids like that or let their kids treat them poorly I'd be instantly sticking up for them and confronting the adult concerned. I'd also be getting my husbnad involved and would see alot less of his family.
It sounds as though you've spent alot of time visiting people you don't like just because you married a member of their family and not confronting bullying behaviour.
Start being more assertive, don't let your daughter be bullied and don't spend so much time with them would be my advice.
On this occasion I might be inclined to get a different babysitter, or explain your concerns re the bullying to your MIL.

Actually if your husband doesn't like his mum and SIL and avoids them how come you are seeing them? Why don't you avoid them as well?

He doesn't not like them, but they annoy him! Wouldn't cut them off all together, just going to make an appearance at the important get togethers and not stay as long as we do. He doesn't mind the idea of Christmas too, he understands all the reasons and it is always about them and hearing the SIL being OTT with everything, he'd much rather be with his parents spending it with us and them in peace.

Oh god, pleeese don't try and toughen her up. Please. They sound like gits.

There's NO WAY I would be leaving my DS with a MIL and SIL who treated him like that. They are being nasty and abusive and tbh I would tell them that if they can't treat your DD in a reasonable manner then they won't be seeing her at all.

They are compete and utter bullies and shouldn't be around children if they can't behave appropriately.

Your DH finds his relations annoying and chooses to limit the times he spends with them. But is volunteering his daughter as tribute instead?
He needs a swift kick and a talking to, and you both need to say calmly and clearly that you don't like the way your daughter is being treated when left with them, so it's not going to happen any more.
She is a small child who should be able to trust her parents to protect her when necessary. So find some nicer friends for her.