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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hope my sister's baby is a boy

29 replies

wearyweedy · 07/11/2009 20:01

my sister and I have been compared all our lives by our parents and my sister continues the tradition. I think and hope that I don't. She is 'the pretty one', I am 'the clever one'. We are both pregnant and my baby is a girl. My sister will find out what sex her baby is this week and I'm very worried about it being a girl and the whole miserable cycle continuing with my poor little daughter. AIBU? or how can I prevent my daughter being compared to hers?

OP posts:

PyrotechnicToadstool · 07/11/2009 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mooncupflowethover · 07/11/2009 20:19

Pyrotechnic, you seem very irritable in your responses tonight...comparison/rivalry between siblings can be very destructive. Ask the OP..

Weary..I can see why you're worried, if my DS was being compared with his cousins all the time it would wind me up. How do you know that comparisons wouldn't be made if she had a boy though?

Your daughter is yours, and it is your job to ensure that she never feels belittled or compares herself to anybody else. You are aware of how destructive it is, you can break the cycle.

busybutterfly · 07/11/2009 20:48

Look on the bright side - if you are going to compete you'll have produced the first grandchild

cyteen · 07/11/2009 21:00

Take the opportunity to set a new pattern, whatever sex her baby is.

diddl · 07/11/2009 21:14

You perhaps can´t stop your parents comparing.

But if they do, you can at least tell your daughter that they aretalking shite, & if necessary limit/cut contact.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:17

so tempted to write that pyro is being very fiery....

seaglass · 07/11/2009 21:22

I think you have a valid point.
I was compared to my thinner/prettier/cleverer twin all my life, and it's shit.
My dd and her cousin (also a girl) were born a month apart.
My sister is ultra competitive, and has always loved telling me her dd's successes.
I found it easiest to take a step back, and I also told her and our parents why. I feel happier with the situation, and my dd no longer has her competitive cousing telling her (my dd) that she's better at everything.

Perhaps a less drastic approach would be to talk to your family, and sister to explain how you feel, and how the comparisons have affected your life, and tell them in no uncertain terms that this will not happen with your daughter.

lou031205 · 07/11/2009 21:23

YANBU - or at least if you are, then so am I. I have 3 girls, and my DSis had a boy. I was so relieved, because she always feels that we are compared. She is due her DD2 soon, and I fear that she will feel/will compare her DD2 with my 3 DDs.

But agree with diddl.

LilyBolero · 07/11/2009 21:26

Yanbu to worry about comparisons. However, it's win-win - if your sister has a boy, that will ease your worries, if she has a girl then they will hopefully get on really well.

You never know, your parents may massively prefer boys, and you might still get comparison/disinterest!

bettykitten75 · 07/11/2009 21:34

I don't think it matters what the sex of her child is...although I can see your point.
My DP's younger brother had a daughter (their first and our second 2 months apart) and despite sibling rivilary I'm glad the girls will grow up together and hopefully as friends...regardless of how us "grown ups" feel about each other.

heartmoonshadow · 07/11/2009 22:17

Hi,

I am not really sure you are being unreasonable but please don't think about it any more it will drive you daft. I have recently had the cutest most adorable (biased mummy here) baby boy. While I was pregnant EVERYONE in our family really wanted it to be a girl, it got to a stage where I was tempted to tell them all to go to hell as I knew it was a boy.

There were three babies born to three cousins and we have 2 boys and 1 girl between us and to be honest the comparisons are already here - I just ignore them. My theory is my little man will be whatever and whoever he wants to be in his own way and nobody can or will change that. Just protect your little girl and instill a good attitude and you can't go wrong.

Good Luck with the pregnancy and birth.

HMS

howmuchdidyousay · 08/11/2009 09:18

YANBU but I don't see why being of differeny sexes will stop any comparisons.
Best thing to do is not to buy into the baby olympics.If your Sister of parents start yapping about what your niece and nephew can do, just say 'that's nice' then change the subjects

thesecondcocking · 08/11/2009 15:18

the sister i loathe got pregnant with her 4th child 3 months after i was pregnant with dd2.She has one girl,then two boys and was desperate for a girl.I was desperate for her not to have a girl btw and neither of us knew in advance what we were having.I had another girl,she has another boy.
She now competes but in really ridiculous ways ie my dd2 talks loads her's is still at the grunting stage and she announced the other week that a study she'd read said children who didn't talk when they were 2 were actually found to be more intelligent than those that can. We were too gobsmacked to even go into it with her.
if she's competitive even if you are 'winning' she'll find a way to do you down.
YANBU

Prosecco · 08/11/2009 15:27

I can also see your point as I was pregnant at same time as sil, and that crossed my mind too.

However, there is nothing to say she won't still be competitive re. the boy/girl thing ie. boys are much easier aren't they, boys are much more likely to be affectionate to their mummies etc. ( I am not validtaing any of these points- I have dcs of both flavours- but they are the ones that are generally bandied about).

Really think you may need to address the competitive thing rather than worry about what sex your respective dcs are.

In saying that, motherhood may fulfil and mellow you both so much that it is never an issue. You may cherish the relationships the cousins have and rebuild your own based on the mutual kanckerdness, worry and sheer joy your chid and nephew/niece will bring each of you.

Jujubean77 · 08/11/2009 15:28

How weird to wish someone had a boy or girl out of spite.

Really can't get my head around this vicious way of thinking at all.

shockers · 08/11/2009 15:34

I really can't see where the "spite" comes into it.

thesecondcocking · 08/11/2009 15:34

if you are referring to me then yup,it was pure spite on my behalf and i am utterly unapologetic about it.
she's is the most unbelievably hideously judgemental,stuck up,spoiled,smug and opinionated witch i've ever had to deal with.

Prosecco · 08/11/2009 15:35

Also, should have said, I agree with cyteen, this is the time to reset your relationship.

Maybe shop for baby clothes together, do an aquanatal class together and try to share in each other's excitement. This could be a really special bonding time for you.

I recognize a lifetime of competition is not going to be wiped clear after a few months, but it should mean you are more honest and have a better understanding of each other and are some of the way there, and can hopefully avoid the " I did without pain relief , I found breast feeding so easy, my baby sleeps 12 hours straight" nonsense that could just add fuel to the fire.

Sassybeast · 08/11/2009 15:36

Jujubean - you are obviously lucky enough not to have a dysfunctional sibling relationship.

OP YANBU but you ARE in a position to change the pattern of the past

Jujubean77 · 08/11/2009 15:42

pure spite, I thought so...I am not judging you though

I think a PG is a good opportunity to turn negative feelings for a sibling around. My estranged sister and I bonded over DD....

chickbean · 08/11/2009 19:42

I am really hoping that karma (or whatever it is) comes into play. I have found that absolutely all of the boastful parents I know have had their come-uppance eventually. Competing about your children is such a waste of time - and if they fail to fulfil their promise the parents get bitter and feel rather foolish. Much better to ignore the whole thing and concentrate on making your children as happy and confident as can be (don't ask me how, I'm still trying to work it out). Good luck with your daughter - she'll be absolutely adorable.

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 08/11/2009 19:52

YANBU. I know how you feel.

maxpower · 08/11/2009 19:54

YANBU - my SIL had twins earlier this year. It turned out that they were born on my DD's birthday. I was really glad they were boys. Twins were always going to be a bit special and they'd stolen the thunder of her birthday so the only thing she has left going for her in the unique stakes is that she's the only girl!

pointydogg · 08/11/2009 20:10

I don't think it will make much difference whether your sister has a girl or boy. Either way, people can choose - or be allowed - to continue their silly comparisons.

You need to decide you are not going to stand for it and slowly evolve your own way of dealing with this for your and your dd's sake.

Original poster

wearyweedy · 09/11/2009 19:17

Thanks for the replies, I didn't realise there was so much of this nonsense about. As for spite / me being competitive - I can't see that at all, I'm not hoping her baby has one leg or something, a baby boy is no less valuable than a girl. Agree the sex might not matter, they will still be compared, but in terms of appearance this sort of thing affects girls more I think.
The bonding with my sister is a lovely thought but pregnancy has just proved to be another area to compete in; I showed her my ultrasound pictures and was told that my baby looks 'like a pig'.
Funily enough I never thought about confronting the family with this comparing business, I'll do that. My hormones should come in handy.
Still got my fingers crossed it is a boy though.

OP posts:

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