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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was it me or him?

29 replies

AliGrylls · 07/11/2009 19:33

Every Saturday am DH and I have an agreement. I go out for the morning whilst he looks after DS who is 5 months old. He has always said to me, take your time, enjoy yourself and I have always said okay dear but not really taken very long (usually no more than 2 hours).

Anyway, this morning I did my usual (except for the fact I said to DH "see you in a couple of hours" before I left) I went to the gym and whilst I was there I met one of my neighbours who I have become friendly with. She asked me if I wanted to have a coffee so I went for a coffee. I left the house at 10:30 and got home at 1:20. I should also mention that I did not see the need to call him seeing as he is always telling me to take my time and coincidentally because I had not looked at my phone all morning I did not realise that I had forgotten to switch it on this morning.

DH went mad at me (he shouted at me in front of our neighbour - how embarrassing) - he said that I should have called him to tell him what I was doing. I pointed out to him that he is always telling me to have a nice time and relax so I didn't see the need. But he was still really upset - he said because I am usually back by 12:30 he expected me back at that time, and also he was really worried about me (had I been in a car accident?), and what should he do about the baby re feeding (he could have given it a bottle)?

AIBU for thinking he has lost the plot a little? Or was I wrong for not calling him? I have been feeling a bit rubbish all day about this.

OP posts:
seaglass · 07/11/2009 19:39

YANBU, but he probably was genuinely worried if you are usually back an hour earlier

I've done the same to my dh.

seaglass · 07/11/2009 19:40

and meant to add - lucky you getting ME time when your DS is only 5 months - I had to wait til mine was 2 years!

whomovedmychocolatecookie · 07/11/2009 19:42

YABBU (that's you are both being unreasonable).

Men are simple creatures. If you do something three times it become the rule of how it is done. So if you say I'll be gone for a few hours and come back after one, in the future he thinks 'a few hours' lasts sixty minutes. Simple creatures remember! He's probably been really worried you'll come back and find him struggling - or he was struggling and finds it really hard to tell you.

You should have had your phone on, I've done it myself had there been an emergency you would have been gutted to find a note to say 'meet me in A&E' wouldn't you.

But I'm intrigued by you saying every Saturday you have an argument. If it's about the same thing, you perhaps need to rethink what you are both doing and change it?

abbierhodes · 07/11/2009 19:44

Shouting at you in front of the neighbour is not on. (Or shouting at you at all, actually)

Other than that it is understandable that he might have been genuinely worried.

I don't agree with seaglass that you are lucky to have 'me-time' though.

Sea-glass, did your DH wait 2 years also?

seaglass · 07/11/2009 19:46

Um, didn't she say every saturday they have an agreement - or have I missed a bit out?

Kadiya · 07/11/2009 19:46

Heya
IMHO, I would have called as soon as I was asked for a coffee, and laid down instructions for feeding, but thats simply because thats what my hubby needs.
If you are usually expected at a certain time, then there is going to be cause for some worry when you don't turn up when expected, and I probably would have felt the same as your hubby did...
HOWEVER
shouting at you in front of the neighbour is a BIG no-no, it was pretty unnecessary to embarrass you in that way!
Hope you manage to sort it out
xx

abbierhodes · 07/11/2009 19:46

Who moved:

'But I'm intrigued by you saying every Saturday you have an argument. If it's about the same thing, you perhaps need to rethink what you are both doing and change it?'

What the OP actually said:

'Every Saturday am DH and I have an agreement.'

seaglass · 07/11/2009 19:47

DH had me time, but was a bit scared to be left with the baby! It's all evened out now though

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/11/2009 19:51

I would have made sure I had my phone on if I was leaving DD for that long at that age (chance would have been a fine thing) so I think he's right there.

He hasn't actually had a go at you for being out longer than usual, has he? He was just worried he couldn't get hold of you.

He shouldn't have shouted in front of yuor neighbour though.

whomovedmychocolatecookie · 07/11/2009 19:56

Oops

See that's Freudian - I saw it as argument, not agreement. IABU obviously

abbierhodes · 07/11/2009 19:59

Fair enough sea-glass. I just don't like to hear about men who don't pull their weight with the kids!!

Original poster
AliGrylls · 08/11/2009 17:45

Thank you. I know I was bad for forgetting to turn my phone on - the thing is I hardly ever turn it off, so I was a nightmare for forgetting.

I think he does actually get nervous when DS starts crying and he does not know what to do.

We have started arguing more since DS. We never used to argue at all and sometimes I think "is this what it is going to be like from now on?" He thinks I take him for granted (he does quite a lot around the house) and even though I always thank him for everything he does he still acts like this.

OP posts:
Fabster · 08/11/2009 17:49

I think you both are but more you tbh.

I would be the same, ie worrying, if my husband was always back at the same time and then out of the blue and with no call was nearly an hour later.

diddl · 08/11/2009 17:51

Bad for not turning your phone on?
You were at the gym, why would you have your phone on?

Yes, you could have phoned him when you decided to have a coffee.

But it was only an hour.

Sounds as if he´s not coping with baby.

Vivia · 08/11/2009 18:03

'And what should he do about the baby re feeding (he could have given it a bottle)?'

It?

But YANBU about the rest

tinkerbellesmuse · 08/11/2009 18:05

Crikey the baby is his and more than a couple of days old - absolutely no reason why a father shouldn't be able to handle that.

You didn't intentionally avoid his call, fair enough if he was worried about you but if he was just pissed off that he couldn't get in touch then he is bvu and you shouldn't feel at all bad.

Original poster
AliGrylls · 08/11/2009 18:34

re 'It' - I was typing quickly.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliGrylls · 08/11/2009 18:35

He is actually a very good and loving father.

LarryGrylls if you dare post after this I will kill you.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 08/11/2009 18:40

i read it as an arguement as well but did a double take and re-read it.

well he was worried, understandably, and you could have rung, but the shouting, no, not nice.
that'll set the neighbours mouths blabbing

larrygrylls · 08/11/2009 18:50

Having foresworn to post on Mumsnet ever again as I upset various posters by putting my perspective (and playing devil's acvocate) fairly stridently, I will make a single exception to give my side of the "argument". To be fair, I suggested my wife post our little disagreement here and see how others felt about it. She has been reasonably fair but there are a couple of things worth mentioning so everyone does not assume I am a complete incompetent.

1/ I was genuinely worried about my wife.

2/ Yes, my wife is better with young Baby George than I am and I was coming to the end of my tether. However, an important point is that we are alternating high energy formula and bf (as poor little Georgie is a skinny little thing and suffered from reflux). Georgie was due a bf. He was starving and I was getting to the point of giving him a bottle anyway. However, I did not want to upset either his routine or my wife, which is why I wanted to communicate with her.

3/ I did not arbitrarily shout at my wife in front of a neighbour. Having driven home I saw her having a nice chat in the drive with another neighbour and not coming in. My tone was probably unnecessarily peremptory but I actually said something like "come in now and feed your baby or do you want me to give him a bottle, you have been gone 3.5 hrs". (That was not actually strictly true as my wife had been gone just under 3). Having said that, I probably should have been calmer. I am sure everyone on here knows that a wailing baby does not make for a calm frame of mind, though.

Original poster
AliGrylls · 08/11/2009 18:59

LarryG, you always have to have the last word. Which is why I am now posting.

OP posts:
blinder · 08/11/2009 19:07

"come in now and feed your baby''

you just lost my sympathy Larry

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 08/11/2009 19:12

i was feeling some sympathy for you larry until i read your post.... now i think you're an arse.

diddl · 08/11/2009 19:15

Sorry Larry, but if baby was wailing it sounds as if you should have already made the decision to bottle feed.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2009 19:16

you two bugger off and have your domestics in private

< sigh >