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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go on holiday 3 months after baby is due?

105 replies

Chorlton1975 · 02/11/2009 23:28

New user here. Hello all.

My wife is due to give birth to our first child at the end of next May. I would like to enter a week-long sailing competition in Cornwall at the end of August. My idea was wife plus baby plus me plus boat going to cornwall. each day would involve me disappearing until maybe 3pm or so. I was assuming she'd be happy enough pottering around or sitting on the beach during this time, but no. She says I'm being unreasonable in wanting to plan this for so "soon" after the birth. Am I?

OP posts:

DaftApeth · 03/11/2009 12:33

Maybe you could suggest to your wife that you will hire a cottage and a car for the week. I would hate the idea of having a, mostly absent, boat as a base for a week with a young baby.

She would then have her own space and would not be left stranded on a beach or in a cafe until you returned.

There is nothing worse than having to aimlessly wander around wasting time as well as amuse and feed a baby!

She could also invite friends or family down to stay and might feel as though she is having a holiday too rather than just being left behind.

I do think that it is impossible to predict how you will all be at that stage though. Your dw is probably being very sensible in saying no to the idea as it stands.

violethill · 03/11/2009 12:36

Addicted - I agree with bubbaluv. Why imagine the worst case scenario? Yes, there could be complications but the chances are there won't be. And anyway, anyone could book a holiday and then get run over by a bus before hand!!

I honestly think some people are way too precious about it all. When I had my first dd it was normal for the mother to be back at work by 12 weeks. In fact, I would have jumped at the chance of a week's holiday at that stage, even if DH was doing other stuff!

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 13:00

Oh god, I never thought she would be living on board for the week. I wouldn't do that with or without children. Is that what the OP said? If I missed that bit then I take it all back and HIBU.
A cottage or hotel room is a necessity.
A wet yacht is no place for a baby!

DaftApeth · 03/11/2009 13:06

It was not made clear in the op bubbaluv but that is how I read it.

He would have been disappearing off to start his race each morning and so she would be able to enjoy pottering on the beach for the day.

Unless it is a laser or something and they could tow it, I assumed it would also involve the 3 of them sailing it to Cornwall and back too.

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 13:11

I read it differently.
i.e. He and crew or just a couple of his crew do the delivery and he and his wife and child would drive down to thier cottage near the harbour. He would then dissapear from the cottage each morning leaving his wife to potter on the beach or visit local cafes etc during the day (or stay home on the sofa if she preffered).
If I read it right then HINBU if you are closer to the mark then HIBVVU!
Yachts stink after a day of racing.

addictedtomn · 03/11/2009 13:14

i'm sorry i guess i've assumed the worst because of mu sisters and my mums expeariences. however that being said it is a possibility.

DaftApeth · 03/11/2009 13:16

I agree

Except, I think, boats stink pretty much always!

Also, as long as he would not expect 'the Idyllic Cottage' to be the crew house and for dw to be the cook!

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 13:22

DaftApeth, I take it you are also a sailing widow?
I hope the OP comes back to clarify this for us. He may find that if he presents the idea in the way I have imagined it then he may get a more positive response!?

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/11/2009 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

deaddei · 03/11/2009 13:38

I would leave wife at home, go on trip, then when wife is up for a break on her own, you look after baby while she goes.
I would rather be at home with familiar things than in a strange place.
DH and I have separate hols- obviously family ones too, so I don't have a problem with op going on a sailing trip- as long as it is reciprocated.

DaftApeth · 03/11/2009 13:45

Not a sailing widow. Although came close to it!

Just 'been there, done that' in my yoof

{tries to forget dark and distant memories of too much Mountgay Rum}

madwomanintheattic · 03/11/2009 22:58

(tries to remember dim and distant memories of too much rum... fails, but remembers skipper finding large knickers belonging to recently departed nubile norwegian in his bunk. tries to forget...)

worldgonemad72 · 04/11/2009 12:38

YABU
And you seem to be very uncaring towards your wife and new baby to be....glad your not my husband

Flowerface · 04/11/2009 12:48

My DP is going to a conference when our baby will be about 2 weeks old (my Mum is coming to stay) and when she'll be just about 3 months (assuming she arrives on time!) We are both lecturers and I know full well that 'conference' = giant piss up with your mates in Berlin/NYC/Similarly excellent city. I was fine with it (thinking of the presents he'd be obliged to bring me back out of guilt, and I've already refused to look after the dogs as well as the baby, so they'll be in kennels). Now I am wondering whether I should be more pissed off...

Original poster

Chorlton1975 · 04/11/2009 13:15

Hello again. I'm pleased to see there has been some balanced debate now, instead of the kneejerk man-bashing reaction at the beginning. Thank you Bubbaluv and the more moderate posters.

To clarify:
Small 2-person boat, like a laser but a bit bigger, towed there behind car. I'd be sailing with my friend. His girlfriend would probably go too.
We'd be staying in a cottage or similar.
There would be about 70 or 80 entries in the championship, most entries would have assorted hangers-on / sailing widows / etc there with them, so plenty of non-sailing activities would get arranged during the day. I guess mainly shopping, beach, sightseeing etc. We have friends who live in the same town too.

Of course if there were any complications I would cancel nearer the time, but I was told this week that I wasn't allowed to even consider it, which I think is unreasonable.

There are posts on here from women whose partners are having affairs, drinking too much, beating them up, taking drugs, fighting, getting arrested and 101 other misdemeanours. For Christ's sake, all I would like to do is go sailing for a bit.

To the person who went mountaineering: I would love it if DW suggested this. I hate heights, so I'd gladly go and look after the baby for the day at the bottom whilst she climbed all day. It would be a really good break for her.

To the person who asked how I would like it if she went to New York shopping for a week whilst I stayed at home with the baby: In principle, I'd think it was great. A nice break for her. Not sure how it would work in practice with breastfeeding and such, but we could find a solution I'm sure.

Some women's partners are in Iraq fighting at this stage. There seem to be people who think it's ok for the husband to be away as long as he's either miserable, working or being shot at. Having fun? No way.

OP posts:

DaftApeth · 04/11/2009 13:52

Chorlton, that does sound better than the scenario I was assuming.

Is your dw thinking that you will be out each evening socialising with the 70-80 other entries and their trolleydollies supporters?

These events rarely end when the boats return, do they?

Have you reassured/promised that you will not be out drinking till the early hours each night but at the cottage with her and the baby and 'doing your bit'?

Has she got the choice of where you will be staying?

Seuss · 04/11/2009 14:25

She's not asking you never to go sailing again, just this one time.

alypaly · 04/11/2009 14:42

i'd go for it...we went to gran canaria when DS1 was 3 months and my other half went golfing nearly every day. I enjoyed pottering on the beach with hot water flask and brolly and id do it all again.

i think its great to plan ahead for things like that

macdoodle · 04/11/2009 14:43

chorlton you sound like an immature selfish arse, you having a baby/a child/a person not a puppy dog - you need to grow up not stamp your feet

alypaly · 04/11/2009 14:43

BTW the hot flask was for water for baby milk and the brolly was to keep him in the shade....just thought i would clarify that

gobsmackedetal · 04/11/2009 14:49

I think YANBU but I wouldn't antagonise a pregnant woman. She probably feels rough, vulnerable and scared at the porspect of having baby. Hormones don't help.

Maybe you can try being the bigger man and let her have her way just for now, since she feels so strongly about it, whether you think she's unreasonable or not. She might change her mind on her own soon. And when the baby comes you might end up with a good sleeper/feeder or the opposite, which will definitely affect you energy levels and decisions. There's no need to rush.

Also you should consider the possibility that you could be too tired to want to do that. Or not. All pregnancies, births and babies are different from each other and largely affect our needs and wishes.

I would personally find it a fantastic idea, but let your dw feel special and cared for please

bronze · 04/11/2009 14:53

My husband is a sailor, has a laser in fact, as I hope to be a bit more when baby is older so I can kind of put myself in this position.

Now personally I wouldn't have any problem with my dh going off at 3 months but I would stay at home and demand a family holiday at another time. I can't stand pottering

BUT thats me and if I had been unhappy about it I would have expected my dh to not even contemplate the idea again and definitely not whinge about it/try and get others onside

choosyfloosy · 04/11/2009 14:58

I think I was quite reasonable in my posts, but your response has made me quite cross now.

The thing is Chorlton, that quite a few of us have said it sounds OK or great under various circumstances, but ultimately if your dw is not up for it, then it IS impossible - it has to be a joint decision. There's a range of views on here - it's not only balanced if we all agree with you.

And whether you consider it OK or not, your DP does have a right to object to making such specific and demanding plans 3 months post-partum. There are plenty of women who come on here saying 'I really want to do X, that's OK isn't it' and get a good pasting for it.

If you decide to go away on holiday, you have decided for your DP what she is going to be doing for that week - she is going to be looking after the baby. For. Every. Single. Second. Sightseeing, beach and shopping may not appeal to her with a baby. She's allowed to say that. Isn't she?

Original poster

Chorlton1975 · 04/11/2009 15:06

Boozy Floozy - I already understand the definition of "balanced". Thanks though.

In this case it means that not all of you want to kick me in the nuts, only most.

OP posts:

gobsmackedetal · 04/11/2009 15:07

I also wanted to add that new baby or not, a family holiday has to be a joint decision

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