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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go on holiday 3 months after baby is due?

105 replies

Chorlton1975 · 02/11/2009 23:28

New user here. Hello all.

My wife is due to give birth to our first child at the end of next May. I would like to enter a week-long sailing competition in Cornwall at the end of August. My idea was wife plus baby plus me plus boat going to cornwall. each day would involve me disappearing until maybe 3pm or so. I was assuming she'd be happy enough pottering around or sitting on the beach during this time, but no. She says I'm being unreasonable in wanting to plan this for so "soon" after the birth. Am I?

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 03/11/2009 00:24

Anyway, much more exciting, my cousin has just spent the evening within spitting distance of Simon Cowell...

choosyfloosy · 03/11/2009 00:38

ooer madame. did s/he actually spit ?

MadameDefarge · 03/11/2009 00:43

have yet to have a full update, just a quick moment on fb from her iphone (lordy!) but I reckon not, as it was an (unexpected) work thang.

It was at leona Lewis' Hackney gig. I knew there were benefits to living and working here!

madwomanintheattic · 03/11/2009 01:25

ummm,

no idea whether you are a troll or not, but when i was pg with no.1 child, i agreed to lead a mountaineering training expedition when the said dc would be 3 months old... dh came with us - i bfed in the morning, expressed like a, well, cow tbh, so that he could feed her, and bogged off for each day, arriving back early evening with enormous udders (frankly)...

it wasn't ideal if i'm honest, but it meant that dd1 got to the summit of her first mountain (in a snowstorm lol) at just over three months old (we deided to go for a little walk ourselves the day before the course started...)... it was only snowdon lol, and we could have got the train back, but chose to walk it.

in all seriousness, you have to discuss with your wife and stay reasonably flexible. it worked ok for us with no. 1, but wouldn't have been practical with dc2 or 3.

raindroprhyme · 03/11/2009 10:32

has everyone missed teh fact that he thinks going on his own and 'wife stopping at home' is a better idea.

this poor man is heading into the lions den.
if he had asked in the first instance if he could go on his own there may have been a chance, but now he is on a hiding to nothing.

No sailing in August for you my friend.

congratulations and enjoy your new baby. You will probably find the idea of leaving your amazing wife and beautiful child at that stage abhorent anyway.

gingernutlover · 03/11/2009 10:42

YABU and totally selfish

is this actually going to be your baby too? Or did you think that your life will just carry on the same as it is now whilst your wife does all the childcare.

Wake up and get real before you end up with one very upset and resentful wife. If you leave her basically alone to look after a 3 month old for a week she will never forget or forgive you - honest.

I know lots of partners have to leave mum and baby at home due to work commitments, but this sounds like a nice holiday for you and nothing else.

Oh, and we arent a "tough audience" we are people who have been there, done it, got the t shirt and know how it feels - so we are probably right.

Indith · 03/11/2009 10:53

Troll or not here is my contribution. With ds I would actually have been fine with that, he fed well, happily dozed in a sling and I would have been happy pottering and then spending the rest of the afternoon and evenings together. We took ds on a family holiday to the Lakes at that age and he was carried up mountains inthe sling no problem. With dd however at 3 months I was really struggling, feeding was a nightmare and while I did of course cope inthe day at home while dh was at work I would not have been happy coping away form home. Nor would I have been happy with dh being away as I couldn't have survived without handing over dcs when he got home from work.

Point is you have to be flexible, you don't know how things will be so far better to leave it, the race will still be there next year.

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 10:57

I'd be happy with this arrangement, but then I'm a sailing widow from way back and my DH mainly did off-shore racing so was gone for days at a time.
Can't see why this would be any different to you going off to work for the day and leaving her at home. This way she gets a holiday rather than sitting at home. In fact I doubt you'd be home by 3 normally, so surely this is an improvement on normal arrangements?

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 11:02

Ginger - "If you leave her basically alone to look after a 3 month old for a week she will never forget or forgive you"

how many DHs do you know who are home to help their wife with caring for their 3 month old baby? Paternity leave is 2 weeks, so Cornwall or not she's more than likely to be doing the majority on her own.
I don't see why this is a drama.

Macdoodle - "Pottering on the beach with a 3 month old (possibly younger) possibly BF, you are not only BU, but are slightly mad!"

People who live near the beach and have babies do this as a matter of course, so what's so mad about it?

liliputlady · 03/11/2009 11:03

The point is neither of you know yet how you'll cope with baby - your weekend might be fine or might come at a time where you're both completely sleep-deprived and your wife will resent being left. I suppose it depends how much your sailing really means to you. What other support does your wife have if you leave her at home? Could you plan another weekend as well where she gets to choose what she wants to do?

I think it's great if Mums and Dads can keep
some interests of their own (we forgot to do that!), but in moderation of course. At 3 months, guess wife and baby have to be number 1 priority.

gingernutlover · 03/11/2009 11:17

bubbaluv perhaps i overreacted a little

i have extremely bad PND and at 3 months I was very pleased to see my dh at the end of every working day - obviously one of us had to go out to work to pay the bills so i didnt resent this.

I would however have resented him having a week to do his favourite hobby all day everyday whilst I stood on the sidelines - whilst he dressed it up and prsented it as a "holiday".

This will not be a holiday for his wife, it will just be more of the same in a place she doesnt know, with no help from friends or family without all the comfort of home.

That is why I think HIBU and why I think he is selfish.

Of course her other choice is to stay home and look after a 3 moth old baby 24 hours a day for a whole week while he spends a week havign a break and doing fun things - great

If dh wanted to do somthing liek this now I wouldnt mind, because now I am not sleep deprived and not depressed - but at 3 months it would have had a lasting effect on our relationship.

His wife has told him she feels he is being unreasonable - shouldnt that be enough for him to consider leaving it a year. Isnt his wife and baby more important than a weeks jolly in a boat?

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 11:19

Further to my last thread, I would say that I would expect my DH to change his plans if it got to the time and it was clear that I was not going to cope with the trip.

choosyfloosy · 03/11/2009 11:19

Bubbaluv, it's one thing if you live near the beach and have your own home with all the kit within a short distance - another matter entirely IMO if what you're close to is a static caravan or holiday cottage with not much there to entertain either baby or you.

I'll concede I'm influenced here by having no fun at all on the beach with ds until he was 2.5 or so.

shineoncrazyfirecracker · 03/11/2009 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

porcamiseria · 03/11/2009 11:31

please come back and post when baby is born, lets see if you are willing to take baby for a week when she goes off on a JOLLY with her mates!!!!! it swings both ways baby!

violethill · 03/11/2009 11:38

If this is a genuine post, then I think the solution lies somewhere in the middle ground.

The way it was presented, DH swanning off to do his hobby for a week, while wife sits around with nothing to do, of course sounds highly unreasonable.

On the other hand, I agree with Bubbaluv's point that most mothers of 3 month old babies will have a partner out at work, or possibly on business trips abroad. And many mothers would have a couple of other kids as well as a 3 month old. In fact, those of us 40-something mums were back at work when our babies were 3 months old. I;m not of the school of thought that says mothers can't possibly do anything for months and months after baby's arrival, don't possibly expect her to get out of her dressing gown before lunch time. For goodness sake, life doesn't stop when you have a baby!

Why not plan a holiday jointly that you will both enjoy equally and where you each have a bit of time out while the other partner looks after the baby? Win win.

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 11:43

Choosy - totally agree that his wife's accomodation needs to be v nice - I wouldn't go somewhere with a static caravan park as my vista anytime ever ever ever, but a 3 month old is easily portable and doesn't need much kit at all. So long as the OP is willing to cancel plans it everything has gone to pot, then I see no reason why his wife should not enjoy a week in Cornwall. He's not suggesting she joins him on a tour of Iraq FGS!

throckenholt · 03/11/2009 11:47

I have only read the first few posts in this thread - but I disagree with those at least.

I think if the baby is 3 months old it would be nice to potter around Cornwall for a week. I would be happy for DH to go off for a few hours each day and leave me to have a really quiet time in the mornings - so long as he was back by 3ish.

By 3 months the new baby bit should be wearing off a bit - but they still sleep a lot at that stage, and pottering around with the baby in a pushchair would be fine too.

However, if she doesn't think like this - then I think maybe it is a no go and you need to come up with something that works for you both.

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 11:48

I am now wondering if my DH realises how lucky he is!

addictedtomn · 03/11/2009 11:52

has anyone yet pointed out to this clearly misguided father to be that if there are any complications (god forbid) then actually she could still be in a little pain and actually not want t go any further than her local supermarket.

(am not a mum but my sister had complications and wasnt comfortable enough to be going on holiday!)

then the whole leave her at home whilst you go off, if you even suggest that i can garentee that in her head she will start drawing up the divorce papers!

forget it this year, how about next year instead

alicet · 03/11/2009 11:52

Bubbaluv I would agree with you tbh - clearly a holiday in Cornwall could be a lot of fun for his wife and new baby athough disagree that it is just the same as her dh being out at work during the day as clearly then you have people you know for support and places you knwo are baby friendly to visit.

However there is a crucial thing here - his wife is not happy with the idea. So she is clearly not someone who would find this idea relaxing or someone who would be happy to potter about on the beach with a small baby while her dh enjoys himself sailing.

I think violethill's suggestion of a holiday as a family where they both get a bit of time out is a great compromise. Unless it is missing the point as the OP doesn't want a holiday, just to do this particular race.

OP in principle your idea isn't so bad but to forge ahead with it when your wife has said she is not happy with the idea would be incredibly selfish. I think you just have to accept that for this year a weeks sailing race is out of the question but maybe a week where you can spend a couple of days sailing is not? Sure you will be able to do the race another year. Think you need to accept that when your baby arrives your life is going to change!

junkcollector · 03/11/2009 11:53

If the OP had been less of a wind up and asked in a slightly different way I might have said YANBU for wanting to enter a sailing competition/ remember babies change your life though so be prepared to cancel/ DW will probably need more support than you are suggesting and will be bored to death 'Pottering' on a beach with a new born so can't a friend/ mother/ sister come with you too to help her/ Don't leave her on her own at home for a week.

But as it is YABU

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 12:11

Addicted - why would you assume the worst in advance? I would plan on the basis that all will be fine (it probably will) and just be aware that there is always the chance that the plans may need to be pulled.

I said no to flying to Aus with a 3mo to be a bridesmaid for my fiend and in retrospect I with I had just assumed I would be fine but bought a flexible fare just in case. As it turned out it would have been no problem at all!

hatwoman · 03/11/2009 12:29

also bubbaluv - assuming a limited holiday budget - in terms of both annual leave for dh and money - it's rather a one-sided way of using it up. even if it is "better" than when he's at work.

Bubbaluv · 03/11/2009 12:33

If he owns a yacht I would assume the budget is less than limited.

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