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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH that I am pregnant?

89 replies

notanumber · 02/11/2009 17:04

Have namechanged (just in case anyone in RL has matched me). Not a troll.

1 beautiful DS (1.7). Long history of miscarriages and ectopics.

We are not trying to conceive at the moment - wanted a break from the heartache - but... we were a bit cavalier with contraception (we use the rhythm method - v reliable for us as I know exactly when ovulation is, and we had sex on the very last day of my fertile window) this month.

I've known that I'm pregnant for over a week (just because I am very good at recognising when I am up the duff, even before my period is due - due to lots of experience, sadly) but have not let on to DH.

Period was due on Friday and as I am very regular, DH has asked every day since if it's arrived, but I have just acted unconcerned and said that it's on it's way as I feel very pre-menstrual and it's just being a bit tardy.

Took a test today and it has confirmed that I am pregnant.

Obviously a baby would be welcome news. But another long drawn-out unsucessful pregancy is very much not welcome. It's always so stressful and awful for us both.

Would it be very unreasonable of me not to tell DH and pretend that my period has arrived, to spare him the worry? Also, I just would prefer to deal with it quietly on my own.

Obviously, if it's ectopic or similar then that will be apparent quite quickly (will have 6 week trans-vaginal scan at EPU) and I'll have to tell him, but if it's just a 'normal' straightforward MC, there's no need for him to know. I just think it will be easier for both him and for me.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
notanumber · 02/11/2009 17:05

Shit. Ok, so namechange didn't work.

Well, if you know me in RL, please don't mention this to me. I'd rather not know that you know.

OP posts:
TheBalladofGayTony · 02/11/2009 17:05

tell him. i know where you are coming from but it would be better for both of you to know. tell him now.

TheBalladofGayTony · 02/11/2009 17:06

report the thread if you are worried. and go practise name changing!

congrats btw

Morloth · 02/11/2009 17:07

I think you should tell him, you are in it together.

emsyj · 02/11/2009 17:08

But really he is going to know sooner or later - isn't he? Or would you plan to go through the loss of another pregnancy without his support? If you are close as a couple he will surely guess that something is wrong, won't he?

YANBU to want to bury your head in the sand and just avoid all the heartache again - but YABU to shut DH out. I would be devastated if DH kept something from me - it would feel that he didn't trust me/didn't want to share with me. Oh god I don't know the answer, who am I kidding, but I do feel desperately sad that you actively want to go through the next few nerve-jangling weeks without any support. Is that patronising?? Sorry if it is.

ChilloHippi · 02/11/2009 17:08

I agree with Morloth. You should tell him. He deserves to know and you deserve to have someone to share it with. Good luck.

clam · 02/11/2009 17:09

Tell him. You're a partnership and you've been supporting each other this far. If it does go wrong (and I hope it doesn't this time), then are you really going to want to deal with it alone?
If he finds out you haven't told him, won't he be hurt? Even if you're trying to protect him? He is a grown up, after all.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 02/11/2009 17:09

Obviously the decision is your own, but I'd tell him, not only because it's his baby too, but because you'll need the support however it turns out. It must be incredibly hard to endure that over and over though, I can understand your reasoning. I just think he won't appreciate being lied to, and may wonder why you felt you had to.

Congratulations btw, I really hope you have the very best outcome this time!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 02/11/2009 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MorrisZapp · 02/11/2009 17:09

Totally sympathise but I think you should tell him, I really do.

How would he feel later on if the pregnancy is successful but you didn't tell him straight away?

You don't need to tell him, like, now. Just soon-ish. I bet he wouldn't want you to spare him from any worry or for you to deal with any further complications alone.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 02/11/2009 17:09

Your post made me cry! Sorry that you've been through so much that you are thinking about sparing your DH the pain if things aren't okay. But I do think you should tell him - you're in this together.

I really hope things are okay for you though.

alarkaspree · 02/11/2009 17:10

I'm so sorry about all your previous pregnancy losses. It must have been incredibly difficult for you. And I do understand your rationale for not wanting to tell your dh but sorry, you are being bonkers.

a) how will he feel if it all goes well and then at 12 weeks or whatever you say 'oh by the way I'm 3 months pregnant'?
b) if something does go wrong again you will be upset, and he won't know why, and that will upset him just as much.

I think you should tell him you are pregnant, but that you don't want to spend any time discussing it until you are more confident of the outcome.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 02/11/2009 17:10

Oh Christ, I am so sorry, I have got the wrong end of the stick. Sorry.

purpleturtle · 02/11/2009 17:11

If he is asking you, then you are actually lying to him by saying you're not pregnant. There's a very high likelihood that at some point he's going to find that out. It's a bit more than just 'not telling', IMO.

PacificGuywood · 02/11/2009 17:11

notanumber, on balance, tell him.

I totally see where you are coming from, been there myself and bought the t-shirt, but I'd worry he would feel so left out and kind of betrayed if you do not tell him. Particularly seeing that he is asking about your period, he obviously is fairly in tune..

FWIW, I did not tell DH for 48 after a + pregn test, for just the same reasons as you are citing. It is just horrible to have a BFP and it does not mean excitement but worry and anxiety... Anyway, in the end I thought it is just as much his baby or also his loss as mine, so he deserves to be in the loop.

Hope all will end well for you , fingers crossed.

alicet · 02/11/2009 17:11

Agree totally with emsyj.

Just not sure that he would see you had the best of intentions in keeping it from him even if you show him this thread (you explained very eloquently in your op)

Also not sure from what you say that you would be able to go through this with no support and to successfully keep it from your dh you will have to tell NOONE. Given that your name change didn't work it is possible that if you don't get the thread pulled someone might recognise you anyway.

Please tell him - for both of your sakes.

Hoping it all works out for you this time x

Stillsquaffingthesteamingblood · 02/11/2009 17:12

Can empathise. Had 7 mc's and hated telling DH I was pg - was bad enough coping with my own conflicting emotions each time, never mind his.

But you do need to tell him, he'll be hurt if you don't and you might not be able to hide your own feelings anyway.

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP · 02/11/2009 17:13

It really is lovely that you're trying to protect him from the pain, but I'm sure he'd be mortified if he thought you felt like that about it. It's part of him too, if you want to keep it low key why not say to him?

Good luck with everything though

gothicmama · 02/11/2009 17:13

tell him and explain how you feel it wil be the best in th long term

Original poster
notanumber · 02/11/2009 17:19

You are right, I know, I just can't bear for him to have to go through it again.

It is always - weirdly - much worse for him. I can only think of the baby and my loss, whereas he has that plus worrying about me and my physical and mental health (ectopics can be dangerous and I did go a bit loopy a couple of times as a result of all the stress).

OP posts:
crankytwanky · 02/11/2009 17:21

Oh tell him.
You'll need his support if anything does go wrong.
He'll have grieved with you, so allow him to experience some of the joy too.

Purpleturtle has a v. good point too.

Or you could present him with a clear-view in his stocking at christmas!

All the very best of luck to you both.

gothicmama · 02/11/2009 17:22

I know what you mean dh always seemed to do it tougher than me, but he would never have wanted me not to tell him

DuelingFanjo · 02/11/2009 17:32

I think it's ok not to say to be honest. You could always wait a few weeks and then say that you just didn;t know, that you haed a small bleed so assumed it was your period?

I can totally understand the feelings you are having, the wanting to go through it on your own etc. I often think if I do manage to get pregnant again I might not tell anyone until I have been able to quiet the worry in my own head.

Owlingate · 02/11/2009 17:33

Notanumber - I got pregnant the cycle after a miscarriage at 18 weeks. Knew I would have to have 7 week scan and go on injections etc. v early.

We were both still really grieving the last baby - he had had hope for much longer than I did - and I really didn't want to put DP through the rollercoaster if he didn't have to go through it. I knew I was pg (now 36 weeks) before I took the test. I also felt I would handle it better on my own.

I asked him all theoretically like if he would genuinely rather not know when I was pg again until it was at least safer, i.e. after 12 weeks. He is the kind of guy that would give me a straight answer rather than tell me what he thinks I want to hear btw. He said yes he would want to know right away, he would feel awful if I was lying, sneaking off to appointments etc and feel unprepared later. SO I quickly did the test and told him.

I think you should ask him if he'd want to know if poss, and tell him if he is the kind of person who may feel 'lied to' if you tell him later.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2009 17:56

tell him

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