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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH that I am pregnant?

89 replies

notanumber · 02/11/2009 17:04

Have namechanged (just in case anyone in RL has matched me). Not a troll.

1 beautiful DS (1.7). Long history of miscarriages and ectopics.

We are not trying to conceive at the moment - wanted a break from the heartache - but... we were a bit cavalier with contraception (we use the rhythm method - v reliable for us as I know exactly when ovulation is, and we had sex on the very last day of my fertile window) this month.

I've known that I'm pregnant for over a week (just because I am very good at recognising when I am up the duff, even before my period is due - due to lots of experience, sadly) but have not let on to DH.

Period was due on Friday and as I am very regular, DH has asked every day since if it's arrived, but I have just acted unconcerned and said that it's on it's way as I feel very pre-menstrual and it's just being a bit tardy.

Took a test today and it has confirmed that I am pregnant.

Obviously a baby would be welcome news. But another long drawn-out unsucessful pregancy is very much not welcome. It's always so stressful and awful for us both.

Would it be very unreasonable of me not to tell DH and pretend that my period has arrived, to spare him the worry? Also, I just would prefer to deal with it quietly on my own.

Obviously, if it's ectopic or similar then that will be apparent quite quickly (will have 6 week trans-vaginal scan at EPU) and I'll have to tell him, but if it's just a 'normal' straightforward MC, there's no need for him to know. I just think it will be easier for both him and for me.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
MmeGuisingt · 02/11/2009 18:02

You are so lovely to be thinking of sparing his feelings but I do think that you should tell him.

If the situation were reversed and he kept something this important from you how would you feel?

Congratulations, and I will be thinking of you and XXXX fingers, toes and everything crossable for you all.

Fabster · 02/11/2009 18:04

TBH I think YABU to not tell him.

Let him share in the joy and support each other as the pregnancy progresses.

My DH and I were together for all the pregnancy tests I took except one and it just wasn't the same. I was expecting a negative that time.

Fabster · 02/11/2009 18:07

I can't help feeling that it will spoil things for you when the baby does come as he will feel what else have you kept from him.

Tell him.

Tell him you have a bun in the oven when he asks what is for dinner.

bumpsoon · 02/11/2009 18:08

TBH its your call isnt it ,you know your husband ,we dont . Obviously you are quite pessimistic about this pregnancy and if (hopefully ) it is successful ,you will have no other option but to tell him . I agree with many of the others though ,what happens if it doesnt work out ,will you be able to hide your own emotions and how will he feel about you not telling him earlier ?

sunshiney · 02/11/2009 18:09

It's your body, your emotions. If you want a little time before you tell him, that's your right. If you don't feel ready to share that's ok but try to work towards it I think. Also, don't go through any possible problems on your own. Fingers crossed for you!

thesecondcocking · 02/11/2009 18:11

i don't know why you wouldn't tell him?
if he wasn't asking then i might think you were nbu but that he's asking and you are lying-for whatever reason-is wrong.
good luck,i wish you well with your baby.

MrsGokVantsyourblood · 02/11/2009 18:17

(((hugs)))

I am sorry to hear of your problems. We spent nearly 6 years trying to conceive DC1 and I was MCing 3/4/5 times a year. My DH was with me every test and every time I MC'd he helped and supported me and I helped and supported him. We are a couple and a partnership. He helped make the life so he had every right to be with me along the journey.

Blu · 02/11/2009 18:17

Tell him, but talk to him about how you are feeling, that you fear a drawn out dissappointment, and more upset for him, etc , and the reasons you have felt inclined to deal with it quietly on your own.

Original poster
notanumber · 02/11/2009 19:42

Thank you all.

Practically the first thing he said when he got through the door was, "has your period arrived yet?".

So I just sort of stammered, "Errr...well...."

So, have told him. Here we go again, I guess!

Many thanks for all the advice - much appreciated.

OP posts:
largeginandtonic · 02/11/2009 19:50

Well done for saying something.

He would be very upset to think you had been worrying all by yourself. He sounds lovely

I really hope it all goes well.

Fabster · 02/11/2009 19:57

What did he say?

AnyFucker · 02/11/2009 20:06

< wipes away a ikkle tear >

good luck to you both !!

cathcat · 02/11/2009 20:14

Do you feel better now you have told him?

Fingers crossed for you both.

PacificGuywood · 02/11/2009 20:18

Oh, well done you, can't have been easy.
Very best of luck to you both.

herjazz · 02/11/2009 20:25

I was in this situation notanumber. Completely unplanned pg.

I decided NOT to tell dh as I fully expected to mc anyway. I didn't want to make it into even more of a drama. Just wanted to get on with it with no fuss

I think also - and this might sound rather strange to anyone not having multiple mc - that this would / could put him off from ever trying in the future. Make him think - that's it, have the snip. In my confused, deluded logic not telling him kind of kept our chances open in the long term.

However, I didn't last very long. Found it v difficult to keep from him. But then felt odd, almost scared at telling him. Cos I felt somewhat deceiptful I guess. Ended up encouraging him to drink then just blurting it out

The next day he thought he'd dreamt it so had to go over again. You know, he was fine. Was v glad we were open and in it together

Hope it all feels a bit clearer for you soon. In all fairness, you have only just found out today (I didn't take the test for couple of weeks for similar delaying tactics) No big thing to get yr head around it first. Plenty of women do that, even without all of the mc complications

Hope it all works out for you

herjazz · 02/11/2009 20:27

awww notanumber only just seen yr post (doh - read thread first lesson) All the best

pigletmania · 02/11/2009 20:33

You need to tell him, after all he is your DH and you made this baby together so imo he has a right to know. Hopefully if the pregnancy progresses than he will is going to have to knmow sometime.

Original poster
notanumber · 02/11/2009 20:45

Thanks again.

To answer your questions DH has taken it very philisophically. We have agreed to keep it very low key and not really discuss it or make a big thing of it and see how it pans out.

I have promised not to go loopy. He seems reassured by this.

Obviously now I have told him I am wondering why on earth I thought it would be good idea not to tell him as he is being - as ever - understanding and supportive and kind.

You did all tell me this would happen, I realise. Lesson learned: always bow to the wisdom of Mumsnetters.

Thank you for your positive wishes for the pregnancy also.

OP posts:
GroundhogsRocketScientist · 02/11/2009 20:51

Good for you, glad you told him, it was the right thing to do.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, please now go put your feet up?

VerityBrulee · 02/11/2009 20:59

Your dh sounds lovely, as do you.

Fingers and toes crossed for you

Fabster · 02/11/2009 21:03

How lovely that advice has been offered, listened too and acted on and been right.

MrsGokVantsyourblood · 02/11/2009 21:21

Wishing you both all the best and hope this little one sticks around for you.

Original poster
notanumber · 23/12/2009 16:23

WARNING! THIS IS AN OLD THREAD!

Just wanted to update you....

12 week scan was today and DH, DS and I saw our vaguely reptilian creature beautiful little baby wave at us!

Thank you so much for your wise words and positive thoughts all those weeks ago. You lot are great.

OP posts:
GloriaInEccentrica · 23/12/2009 16:33

and a small tear.
HUGE congratulations!

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 23/12/2009 16:34

Brilliant news!