in thinking that if we have monthly income of £3700 net we could spare £120 to spend on a cleaner?

[effedorf]

3+ years posting here, namechange for obvious reasons.

But, seriously, what do you think?

The income all comes from dh and I am sahm. We have two primary school age children. I truly hate cleaning and I do 95% of the food shopping and cooking and 100% of the laundry and 95% of all the other things that makes a family tick over.

Or am I being unreasonable?

Maybe the OP's husband would rather put the £1400 a year spent on the cleaner into a holiday? Or a new car? Or redecorating the hall? Or any one of 101 other things that could contribute to.

violethill et al are right - it really doesn't matter how much the OP's DH earns but if part of the deal is that she does the cleaning then it's an agreement between them if she wants to outsource that.

I can just see the outrage on here if someone's DH had gone out and spent over a grand on something without prior discussion

Oh FGS no-one is saying no-one should have any leisure time at all, no-one is saying the Op should spend 50 hours a week doing household chores. Get a grip, I'm just saying I could see why the DH might think the Op is taking the piss, it's all a bit princessy isn't it

LTJ - people with full time jobs don't tend to hire somebody in for three hours a week to do their job so they can have said break though do they?

They stop doing the job, have a break then pick up where they left off.

Nobody is saying the op can't have leisure time, I just don't understand why the husband has to be effectively 'punished' by feeling obliged to pay for a cleaner because he has the nerve to have an interesting, rewarding and well paid job. Surely the op has that too raising her children - and perhaps therefore her husband is asking himself why does she need a cleaner now when her children are in the charge of the education system for 6 hours a day when she managed when they were at home full time?

Princessy, to want a cleaner? No it's not! It's martyrdom not to want help in the house. Personally I cannot stand having someone under my feet and do my utmost to reduce the time I have cleaners/ironers/babysitters etc in my home. But I still want help with chores and errands.

I think you need your own 'private money' and so does he

So why not each have e.g. £500 each month in your own accounts that you can spend on anything you like - the rest goes into the joint account for joint things ONLY.

Then he can spend his on sandwiches and you can spend yours on shoes/cleaner as you see fit.

Anything else - i.e. the joint account - must be agreed on together.

Sounds like that might prevent the arguing.

Look out Daily Mail - here we come....
Actually there's a whole (or several) PhD in here.....

'It's not lazy of anyone "to want cleaner". There is no virtue or moral worth in doing your family's cleaning. '

I agree with the above!

I don't think that a cleaner ought to be paid for from "private money" though. Let's face it, men and children generate far more need for cleaning than most mothers do, and have a pretty weak understanding of just how much mothers run around cleaning up after them. If the expenditure is hidden, this will only aggravate the belief that there is nothing to do in the house.

Bonsoir - princessy perhaps when you have just gone from 0 free hours a week to 30 free hours a week, and when your other half is against it

There isn't any arguing (yet).

I will of course discuss it with him and let you know what he says.

I don't know where the £120 a week someone mentioned comes from. £120 a month, or £30 a week, is what I am talking about.

Domestically, DH has a far better deal than me. Believe me. He earns the money but does not feel burdened by it at all. He bloody loves it, flying around the world, interviewing interesting people, getting paid to effectively work on his hobby. Don't you worry about him.

Our marriage is in extreme special measures atm and I am trying to do something to ease my own depression and shift my perspective on life. I think he will understand. Actually, tbh, this has made me grateful I am not married to some of youze lot .

NorthernLurker, you say "If the op is bored at home she could look for work and be just as stimulated and interested as him"

That's half the point - there are almost no interesting, stimulating jobs that are available term-time only between 9.30 and 3.30. It seems to be all or nothing here in this situation.

I just don't agree that you have 30 free hours a week when your children are at school. How do you calculate that? I'm sure the OP has to do the school run and a multitude of errands outside the home in order to keep her family's life functioning, and when she is at home she undoubtedly has admin, laundry, ironing, mending, cooking, tidying, decorating, clothes shopping etc for her family, reading the newspaper etc, before even thinking about cleaning.

And money for cleaning should not come out of a private fund. I choked last night reading that OP should get herself 'a little job' so she could afford to pay the cleaner from it.

If I had a budget of £120 for cleaning per month, I wouldn't spend it on a weekly cleaner. I'd spend it on the occasional blitz, when two people spend a whole day spring cleaning; on the occasional window cleaner; on an ironing service. I never find short weekly cleans very useful.

I know it takes a lot to run a home, I do it myself, working 3 days a week and we have a cleaner. By "30 free hours a week" I meant "30 child free hours", just pointing out it's very different once your kids are at school.
Anyway, can't be arsed arguing with you lot anymore, good luck Op

Why would hiring a cleaner be "punishing" the man?

Firstly, he's pretty wealthy by my standards. I don't think he'd miss the money - at very least, I don't think he'd suffer any hardship at the lack of it.

Secondly, why would a man with a job he loves but which takes him away a lot want to leave his wife doing things she hates? You want to see the people you love happy, not miserable.

It's quite likely the husband likes the idea of his wife being at home and available to the children. That does not mean she has to clean if she hates it.

Sorry about special measures

Suggest you recruit new high-flying head housekeeper immediately

Are you sure you like this staying at home stuff? It sounds as though your DH is having a fab time and you are tying on a pinny every morning. Would it be possible for you to get a job

ah, looks like this thread has taken a turn for the sensible...

really sorry to hear about he special measures (great phrase btw) bobbity.

get a cleaner. and do whatever else it takes to make you feel happier...

For some reason my mental image of OP's plans was for a cleaner 3 times a week - am coming round to thinking she should get one - maybe should phrase it as help with the cleaning, you wouldn't exactly be off the hook entirely for the rest of the week, would you?
I remember Lucy Ewing's husband in Dallas didn't "allow" her to have a cleaner, and that ended very badly..

DReams - jobs that are term time only are rare I agree. But part time jobs that are interesting are not rare, neither are playschemes, childminders and helpful relations if given enough notice. I manage to corral at least two relatives per summer holiday and our families all live at least 100 miles away. If the op wants to work that could be possible for her - her working automatically requires renegotiation of the domestic agreement and her husband would be an unpleasant toad indeed if he disputed the need for a cleaner then.

Lol at Lucy Ewing.

Quattro - I am looking for a part time job atm. They are few and far between considering all the hours I have to be available to look after my children. But, equally, I really am quite serious about the little gadget I have invented! I am looking in to patents and the like right now. You never know you may see me on Dragon's Den one day.

it always amazes me how it is perceived to be difficult for women with working husbands to find jobs to fit around children yet scorn and vituperation is heaped upon single mothers who opt to stay on benefits

best thing we ever did was to get a cleaner. Once you find someone good you'll never look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

It is neither reasonable nor unreasonable to employ a cleaner, you just need to agree priorities With your dh over how the money is spent. Maybe there is acompromise to make here? If he calls the shots because he earns the cash then I strongly suggest that You go out to work.

Oh no MitchyInge - single mothers get beaten with the shitty stick whichever way we do it. I work full time rather than being on benefits but I'm sure lots of people think that's dreadful on why-did-you-bother-to-have-children-if-you're-going-to-be-at-work-all-day grounds.

OP - hope things pick up with your relationship and you find a good cleaner and someone who thinks your idea is fantastic (would much rather discuss that as have no idea what you're talking about than cleaners!).

Having said that, if you're in North London and you do manage to find someone who is marvellous, please let me know - mine is fairly useless and didn't turn up again today