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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call my SON a Racist?

35 replies

BlardyAngry · 01/11/2009 16:16

Regular but have namechanged, i am so embarassed

Just had a blazing row with my DS1 (19) in front of his GF, i mentioned in conversation with his GF, that i quite fancied a actor on a TV show we were watching, and my DS1 said 'but he is black'

I gasped and told him that was racist, then he GF said 'oh he is always like that'

So i started explaining to him that, that sort of attitude is racist and were did he get it from because i have never in my life made such comments

Then he started going on about immigrants and how they should all be sent 'back were they came from' and i was double

I told him he was a racist, and he started to get really angry with me at this point and was shouting at me saying 'well what about the pakis that spit on our soldiers' and told me 'don't ever call me a racist, i'm not a racist'

at this point i just told him to get out, i am so shocked, angry and sad, i don't know what to do

I told him i was ashamed that he is my son, i'm so upset about it

OP posts:
said · 01/11/2009 16:20

You just have to keep talking to him. Really try not to lose your cool. Very hard, I know, but shouting will just entrench his views further. It does take you aback though when your child repeats some tired old nonsense they've picked up elsewhere. And work with teh girlfriend on this?

Sn0wflake · 01/11/2009 16:20

And you have never seen this in him before? Are you sure he wasn't winding you up.... pressing your buttons?

jaquelinehyde · 01/11/2009 16:20

Oh my goodness I'm very and for you.

For what it is worth YANBU, your son is being racist.

This is no reflection on you, you should not feel you have to name change because of it.

Well done for sticking up for what you believe in, and challenging these disgusting views.

peanutbutterkid · 01/11/2009 16:23

Wow, sounds awful . Of course YANBU.

You might have said that his attitude is no better than that of the people who spat on the soldiers; maybe pointing out his hypocrisy will make him see the err of his ways (eventually).

Original poster
BlardyAngry · 01/11/2009 16:25

We come from a small town full of small minded people, but i thought i had always bought him differently, i really did loose my cool, which made him angry, i don't know how to rectify it, how do i explain to him that his attitude is wrong

OP posts:
electra · 01/11/2009 16:33

YANBU - it's odd but people get very angry when you accuse them of being racist - I have this with my own family. It is certainly frustrating.

Chaotica · 01/11/2009 16:40

YANBU Wish I had a quick answer for you, but I don't.

On the immigrants thing - how far can you go back in your family before there is someone from abroad? (For a lot of British people, it's not long at all.) That might be a way to get your son to understand how daft this is (even if you can trace the angry family back to the Ice Age...)

TidyBush · 01/11/2009 16:59

At 19 he is certainly old enough to form his own opinions (no matter how distastful they may be). However,IMHO you did the right by recognising his opnions for what they are and calling him on it.

If he doesn't want to be labelled as a rasist then he needs to rethink his attitude. YANBU at all and good on you for marking his card.

sarah293 · 01/11/2009 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

smee · 01/11/2009 20:00

Sounds horrendous and YANBU but maybe, just maybe he stuck to his guns because his girlfriend was there and he felt he couldn't back down? Why not call an amnesty and sit down and have a chat about it. Not sure how you work with it if he genuinely does hold those views though.

GrumpyYoungFogey · 01/11/2009 20:11

Thirty of forty years ago ago the OP would have been shocked had his son brought a "coloured girl" home.

Opinions change from generation to generation. Life experience may mean those of your son are different to yours.

Demographic reality means that the young are more likely to have opinions on this subject that baby-boomers and gen-X'ers find beyond the pale.

Your son is going to have to live with the changes wrought on the country in recent years. He's allowed to work out his own views. Do you agree with everything your parents think?

notanumber · 01/11/2009 20:43

He's nineteen. That is an adult. he's entitled to hold whatever opinions he chooses - even ones that you find repugnant. Actaully, I'd argue that this was the case from even younger, but that's another debate.

Nonetheless, it's your home, so you can, if you like, tell him he can't live there if he's going tto voice them.

However, is that what you want? "My house, so only my opinions are allowed. Keep your mouth shut about any differences of opinion, sonny boy or you'll be out on your ear. Mind you don't singe yourself on that pile of books I've just burned on your way out."?

He's your son. He has opinions. You have yours. Talk about them, debate them, provide him with evidence that he is wrong. But don't shut him up. That's not the way forward to a healthy relationship with your adult child, in my opinion.

electra · 01/11/2009 20:46

'Thirty of forty years ago ago the OP would have been shocked had his son brought a "coloured girl" home.'

Iggi999 · 01/11/2009 20:49

You are so right (and brave) to call him on this, and I hope it might have a (gradual) impact on his attitudes that his mother thinks so differently. Wouldn't tell him I was ashamed he's my son though, that thing about criticising the behaviour not the person is ingrained in me.

Original poster
BlardyAngry · 01/11/2009 20:52

hmm sorry but where in my op did i say i would boot him out for having an opinion? or tell him, my house, only my opinion allowed? your putting words into my mouth now notanumber, i admit i handled it badly, but i never said, your a racist, pack your bags your out

Smee you maybe right, in that he didnt want to back down because his GF was there, i handled it badly, and i need to talk to him

Thanks for your advice guys

OP posts:
Original poster
BlardyAngry · 01/11/2009 20:53

Grumpy i do agree with most things my parents say, they have been a great influence on my opinions

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 01/11/2009 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notanumber · 01/11/2009 20:58

BlardyAngry - sorry, I know that isn't what you said. I can see how it reads as though I am implying that you did. An error on my part.

I was trying to illustrate that (broadly) you have two options - pull rank as his parent and not allow him to voice his opinions or else talk it through with him and try to change his mind as you would do with anyone else who voiced such opinions.

I think as parents it is very tempting not to apply the same 'rules' when we disagree with our children as we do to other people because we are accustomed to the relationship being one which has an inbalance of power.

Apologies again for not being clearer.

Original poster
BlardyAngry · 01/11/2009 21:09

I did try to explain to him after his first comment but it didnt go down too well, maybe because his GF was there, probably should have left it and brought it up another time when we were alone

It got a bit heated, and i did say, well if those are your views, im am ashamed of you, and i am, but probably shouldnt have said it in the heat of the moment

He is entitled to his opinions, but i dont want to hear racist crap spouted in front of me, but it is partly my fault in that he needs to be given the full facts where as atm he is spouting some crap he has heard second hand from someone else

i will talk to him

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 01/11/2009 21:13

If you're not often that angry with him, Blardy, then the very fact that you had this heated debate should make pull him up short and make him realise he's crossed a line. But there's lots of racist propaganda around at the moment, not that surprising some folk are picking up on it

notanumber · 01/11/2009 21:19

BlardyAngry - can I suggest that you take some time to consider how you will handle matters if you cannot convince your son to change his mind on this matter?

He may well respond to your arguments and decide that he has been misinformed and soforth, but if he doesn't that will be very hard for you.

It may be worth walking through this scenario in your mind and thinking about how you'll handle it.

You're furious with him, but you still need a good relationship with him. How will you balance the two?

LoveBeingAMummy · 01/11/2009 21:22

He's only 19. There must ahve been things that you have changed your view on since then.

I think you need to ask him why he feels that way and listen to him.

GrumpyYoungFogey · 01/11/2009 21:41

I wouldn't worry, give him a few years to become au fait with the facts of immigration, and he'll be calmly discussing the damaging effects of immigration on social cohesion, the differential rates of crime amongst immigrants, and whether per the UN Declaration of Human Rights current policies amount to genocide against the native British.

ineedalifelaundry · 01/11/2009 21:57

If you want to try and change his views, you need to arm yourself with some evidence / statistics. Such as examples of black and Asian people doing good in society (doctors, teachers etc.) and the fact that the nhs and our food industry would be in massive trouble without immigrant staff doing low paid jobs that lazy white doleys refuse to do. To counteract his 'pakis spitting on soldiers' argument, show him some examples of white people behaving antisocially, such as football hooligans, or CCTV of people pissing / fighting / puking / abusing emergency services in the streets after a night in the boozer. Explain that all sectors of our society have a minority among them who make the rest of us feel ashamed, but that most people (of all races and colours) are hard working decent citizens. Explain the benefits of our multi-cultural society- diversity in arts, fashion, food, etc. Does he like Indian or Chinese food? Does he listen to any hiphop or rap or jazz or soul or funk? Point out the consequences of racism - the holocaust, slavery, etc.

Good luck when you have that talk with him.
HTH

GrumpyYoungFogey · 01/11/2009 22:39

Yes, the mind of a 19 year old male is going to be really impressed by repeating the utopian multiracial indoctrination he has been receiving from school, telly and every other medium since he was old enough to talk .

So your son has come out as a racist? Big deal! It could be worse. They are still human beings. Some of my closest friends are racists. They are perfectly normal, functioning people with jobs and families and homes. And all sorts of famous people in history were racists, Darwin, Churchill, George Washington. What would the world have been like without their contribution?