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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about this mother's bahaviour?

125 replies

mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 11:15

Ok, I don't know this woman personally, she is an acquaintence of my sister and her friends. Hence I don't know all the details, plus don't want to give too much away anyway. Have namechanged as well for this - not a troll!!

She is treating her son as though he is disabled/SN - but he isn't. She is constantly going on about how much is 'wrong' with him. He isn't toilet trained (at 5) - but she hasn't tried toilet training him. He has a feeding tube inserted into his stomach because by spinning various tales she convinced heathcare professionals that he was unable to eat (he is perfectly able - my sis has witnessed!). He has been on long term antibiotics for chest infections - the pediatrician has taken him off them because he can't understand why he's on them in the first place. She's now giving him the ABs she has left at home against advice. She is also trying to get him into the SN school even though all healthcare professionals involved have now said there is no need because there is nothing wrong with him!! She is quite open about all this. My sis and her friends are all close because their DCs all have SN of varying degrees of severity - it is almost as though she wants him to be disabled so she can join in. She frequently makes comments about his behaviour (normal for a 5 yo boy) and cites incidents where he has fallen over as evidence of his 'disability'.

Don't get me wrong - I realise that mum knows best and my sis and her friends are the last people who would be unsupportive of someone trying to get a diagnosis, but the more she tells me about this woman the more I think she is at serious risk of doing her son some harm. If I were my sister I would be considering reporting her to SS (would never do it myself as realise I'm getting this info second hand). My sis thinks she can't report her as she doesn't know her surname or address (she just knows her through various parenting groups). I think they'll be able to trace her easily enough as my sis knows the school he goes to and the consultant he is under. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 14:20

Well. I got the name and I've called SS and told them that I'm concerned. I've made it very clear that my information is all anecdotal. I do hope that this little boy is ok and that they don't get refused any necessary treatment because of it.

I know I've done the right thing but it did feel horrid.

OP posts:
claw3 · 30/10/2009 14:20

Excellent post Cory, the school, my friends and even my family have problems understanding my ds's disorder related behaviour.

Ive lost count of the times i must come across as being an over anxious mother!

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 14:22

Cory,all the anecdotal stuff is problematic but still needs reported.cannot honestly see what is achieved by op meeting and trying to ascertain facts from the mum.isn't op role or remit to determine facts here.that is legitimate remit of professionals

yes terrible reported cases of SS getting it wrong do occur. however that in itself is not a valid for non-disclosure

cory · 30/10/2009 14:22

to report something that you've never witnessed yourself, that relies entirely on the interpretation of other people who may or may not be qualified to judge, in the wake of a very sensational media story

I see this as a tough call, because I know how much damage has been done to my dd- not just emotionally, but actually physically- through ill-conceived suspicions

cory · 30/10/2009 14:23

sorry, cross-posted with the OP, my last was aimed at ScottishMummy

well, I understand why you did it, OP, and it was a tough decision

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 14:26

well done OP you duid the right thing.

cory if had reason to believe a child was at risk I'd report i wouldn't need to have physically observed it or witnessed it myself

Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 14:28

Thanks cory, I realise that it must be horrible for you to have false suspicions fall on you.

Just to clarify - this mum doesn't tell the group she is making things up, it's more a case of her saying things like 'oh, he's so disabled, it makes me so upset' when (eg) her DS is struggling with a jigsaw that's too old for him, and the other mum's can see he's behaving just as any other child his age would, i.e. she's convincing herself he has problems that don't appear to be there.I really hope we're wrong although I'm not wishing problems on her DS of course.

OP posts:
cory · 30/10/2009 14:31

the problem is, I have known some stories to grow so much in the telling that they are positively urban legends by the time they reach the third or fourth teller; some people do exaggerate when they tell stories, or they put their own interpretation on

particularly if there has just been some very attention-catching news story about a particular issue

unfortunately there are cases where a child with a genuine medical condition could actually be put at risk by doubts of their condition

on balance, it may well be that the OP did do the right thing

but I hope no neighbours are watching us- because very similar things could be said of us, and we would be scuppered if the council withdrew their support

claw3 · 30/10/2009 14:34

It is a tough call and im sure op is well meaning, but this is exactly the reason why i never mix with other mums.

cory · 30/10/2009 14:34

thanks for clarifying, mum, it does seem a very difficult case and as I said, it may well be that this is the best way to help them

though it is also possible if you have a genuinely disabled child and are coping badly to get very bogged down in it and ascribe everything that happens to the disability

and I think this is particularly likely to happen if you have been doubted- that does make you more frightened because you keep thinking, if something bad happens, I can't rely on these people for support

lovechoc · 30/10/2009 14:49

This could be a Chinese Whisper scenario which has been blown completely out of proportion..but it could also be true. Well done for reporting it. Better to be safe than sorry.

mrspreg · 30/10/2009 14:56

Well done OP, it is now down to them to invstigate further and even if it doesnt turn out to be an abuse case, it may teach the mother to not give out contradictory information about her sons condition(I will flame myself for being judgemental), the main thing is the boy and thats the foremost concern.

cory · 30/10/2009 15:01

mrspreg Fri 30-Oct-09 14:56:35

"even if it doesnt turn out to be an abuse case, it may teach the mother to not give out contradictory information about her sons condition"

this can be a horrendously difficult rule to follow if you feel you don't actually understand your dc's condition all that well and keep getting completely different advice every week from different medical professionals (often the only thing they seem to agree on is that it must, somehow, be the mother's fault)

this is where some mums of disabled children feel, like Claw, that the safest route is to stay away from other mums altogether.

I haven't got to that point yet, but tend not to talk much about dcs; it's so easy to be unintentionally contradictory, particularly with a condition that changes from hour to hour

mrspreg · 30/10/2009 15:59

yes good point cory, never reiterated on that as I should of done, especially when there is no diagnosis in the pipeline at that present time

I was only referring to the OP remarks on that particular mother herself, maybe unitentially contradictory making references to her ds condition which may lead to the alleged FII, I find it very odd for the mother to be referring to her ds as being so disabled

Jujubean77 · 30/10/2009 16:10

claw why don't you meet with other mums?

lovechoc · 30/10/2009 16:15

why does Claw need to meet with other mums?? I am similar and meet up with other mums only once in a blue moon. I don't feel the need to meet up with mums on a regular basis.

I think it isn't very common but it happens.

TotalChaos · 30/10/2009 16:15

sm - think it's a bit different for you and other professionals who have certain child protection responsibilities as an indirect part of their job - so would be used to dealing with concerning hearsay in a way the OP and the average MNetter isn't.

I agree with claw and cory that it's not necessarily a straightforward situation.

Jujubean77 · 30/10/2009 16:16

I am only asking her a question - I am not saying what she should or should not do

mrspreg · 30/10/2009 16:17

I dont meet with other mums, very close friends & family is as far as it goes for me.

lovechoc · 30/10/2009 16:20

am the same, mrspreg. I spend the majority of my time with relatives, not other mums as such.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 18:08

protection of children and vulnerable people is everyone business.not just paid professionals.

if one suspected or heard anecdotes of elder/child neglect would it be acceptable to think oh leave that to the paid staff.what kind of ethos is it to say not my job i am not getting involved

mrspreg · 30/10/2009 18:30

scotishmummy I totally agree then it us up to the child protection services to investigate further and to determine whether abuse is taking place and it our moral duty to inform authorities of alleged abuse

Not sure as I dont know much about FII, but would the SS offer the mother the support or would the child be taking off her as a high risk case, obviously this may reflect on the severity of the case?

madamearcati · 30/10/2009 19:19

I think you are barmy.You don't know the mum. You are relying on second/third hand information passed to you by your sister who doesn't even know them well enough to know their surname.
He is being treated by a paediatrician and you are going to pike up and say ' excuse me but this child you are treating is not disbled at all . I know this because my sister says so and she is a casual aqaintance of his mum's.Do you not think his doctors and teachers are better placed to make a judgment call on this than you are ?
BYW feeding tubes and even ABs are not given out without good cause.

claw3 · 30/10/2009 19:26

Jujebean - As i said earlier, special needs are often complex and conflicting at times and hard to understand. If i tried explaining my ds's behaviour to anyone i could also look like a liar.

For example he is over responsive to touch and doesnt like unexpected or light touch. But he is also sensory seeking in other areas and craves big hugs and will hug strangers. I explain to someone he doesnt like being touched, 2 seconds later he is hugging a strangers legs!

He is also unable to regulate appetite and has a food phobia, one minute he wont eat or drink a thing, next he cant stop eating an drinking.

He is deathly white (anemic) has constant sores around his mouth (nervous tic which involves wiping his mouth every few minutes) incontinent and endless other problems.

His behaviour varies from one minute to the next and im sure there are many well meaning mums who would report me too.

I avoid gossipers, oops i mean other mums like the plague!

TotalChaos · 30/10/2009 19:37

sm - IMO this isn't a clear cut situation for the reasons in MadameArcati's post - as if this child's paediatricians have correctly diagnosed and have been given correct information from the mother, then there is no abuse. I wouldnt feel comfortable at 3rd hand suspecting that a bunch of paediatricians must be wrong/have been lied to.