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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about this mother's bahaviour?

125 replies

mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 11:15

Ok, I don't know this woman personally, she is an acquaintence of my sister and her friends. Hence I don't know all the details, plus don't want to give too much away anyway. Have namechanged as well for this - not a troll!!

She is treating her son as though he is disabled/SN - but he isn't. She is constantly going on about how much is 'wrong' with him. He isn't toilet trained (at 5) - but she hasn't tried toilet training him. He has a feeding tube inserted into his stomach because by spinning various tales she convinced heathcare professionals that he was unable to eat (he is perfectly able - my sis has witnessed!). He has been on long term antibiotics for chest infections - the pediatrician has taken him off them because he can't understand why he's on them in the first place. She's now giving him the ABs she has left at home against advice. She is also trying to get him into the SN school even though all healthcare professionals involved have now said there is no need because there is nothing wrong with him!! She is quite open about all this. My sis and her friends are all close because their DCs all have SN of varying degrees of severity - it is almost as though she wants him to be disabled so she can join in. She frequently makes comments about his behaviour (normal for a 5 yo boy) and cites incidents where he has fallen over as evidence of his 'disability'.

Don't get me wrong - I realise that mum knows best and my sis and her friends are the last people who would be unsupportive of someone trying to get a diagnosis, but the more she tells me about this woman the more I think she is at serious risk of doing her son some harm. If I were my sister I would be considering reporting her to SS (would never do it myself as realise I'm getting this info second hand). My sis thinks she can't report her as she doesn't know her surname or address (she just knows her through various parenting groups). I think they'll be able to trace her easily enough as my sis knows the school he goes to and the consultant he is under. WWYD?

OP posts:
iateallthecreameggsyummy · 30/10/2009 12:51

Instantly jumps out at me as Münchhausen by Proxy.

If this is the case then I would assume all the health professionals are suspicious of her behaviours and are likely communcating with one another to compile a report.

I say this having worked in SS with a very similar scenario.

Its essential all the professionals are communicating.

I could be entirely wrong....... Out of interest it might be worth trying to find out if this person moves about alot as this frequently happens when suspisions arise and then it needs someone like your sister to contact SS and get the ball rolling!

In a case I worked with it had ran over 12 years and no one was aware, when a report was compiled it was huge!

claw3 · 30/10/2009 12:53

Curiosity - Im sure there are some parents out there who do go to these lengths. But on the limited info, we are just speculating as neither I, you, the OP or her sister know the facts.

curiositykilledscarybin · 30/10/2009 12:53

OP - I'm not sure SS would do anything. I think you need a doctor to look at all the medical records and see if they think the boy is being over-treated first. I would try and get your sis to find out which doctor the mum uses and then call them with her concerns. What could SS do?

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 12:55

stop passing the buck if this is true.report it and yes you are complicit in child abuse if you have the amount of knowledge you put in the posts and dont act

you'd rather post she did this and that - than phone?

and all the psychiatric guess work is erroneous,the only accurate ax is face to face.not everyone guessing and thumbing DSM-IV

curiositykilledscarybin · 30/10/2009 12:56

claw - obviously I realise that! That's why I think the sis shouldn't go to SS. I just don't think you can rely on HCP to pick these kinds of things up anymore. There is inconsistency in terms of seeing the same people and the various departments DO NOT communicate with each other. They might if one person is suspicious and goes looking but I think it is really unlikely.

Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 12:59

scottishmummy - what do you want me to do? phone SS (I live in a different county) and say my sister knows a woman, I don't know her name, address, the name of her child or all the facts but I want you to go and see her?

FFS I have already said that I am trying to get my sister to do something about this. In the meantime I came on here to get some ideas to help me convince her. For all I know she is on the phone to SS now. I'm going to speak to her again later today. Thanks for making me seem like an arsehole when I'm posting out of genuine concern.

OP posts:
posieparksherbroom · 30/10/2009 12:59

Either you believe what you're writing and have a duty to inform the authorities or you don't.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 13:02

want you to stop tittle tattling about potential abuse and act.

you have a pc you can email
you have a phone make an anonymous call

yet seem to prioritise telling strangers the lurid details rather than professionals who may take action

SofaQueen · 30/10/2009 13:07

I agree that you can't do anything, not knowing the woman or her details. My question is why your sister or her friends aren't (or haven't been) concerned enough to do something about what does sound to be Münchhausen by Proxy.

alicet · 30/10/2009 13:10

Scottishmummy I happen to agree with you that if people suspect abuse and have reasonable reasons for that suspicion they should report it and agree that they are complicit in this if they do not.

However you are giving the OP a hard time. the op knows the situation only - not the child's name, address, parents names, hospital consultant, school or in fact anything at all that would enable them to identify the child.

Are you seriously suggesting that she calls SS and says 'I am worried about a child but i am sorry I know nothing whatsoever about them to let you identify who they are?' What a pointless waste of time. In fact you could probably call them and give as much useful info as the OP.

You are right that someone should inform SS but clearly the op can do nothing more than she has done - try to persuade her sister to call or else give her the information so that she can do so. Stop giving her such a hard time

claw3 · 30/10/2009 13:10

Would agree there is a severe lack of communication between experts, something i am always complaining about and most information comes from mum.

With my own ds for example he is under the care of a Dietitian who monitors his weight and growth. But he sees her based on the info i have given. There is no evidence to back up what im saying. Although she has referred to a feeding clinic, who specialise in this type of thing, who investigate very intensely.

I would assume that a child who had to have a feeding tube (not for obvious physical reasons) would be given a feeding tube and then follow this up with some treatment to try and resolve the problem.

Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 13:11

sofa I don't know why they haven't done anything. I suspect it's only as her DS has gotten older it's become more obvious to them that he's fine and his problems are of her making. I've offered to email/phone for my sister if she can give me the name/school. I'm waiting on a response from her.

OP posts:
MillyMollyMoo · 30/10/2009 13:15

Actually you know your sisters name and address and which county she lives in, phone SS give them all her details and force your sister to deal with this or admit she's making it up/gossiping either way your hands are then clean.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 13:17

goodness were is my mn etiquette!mustn't get annoyed at inertia about safeguarding children.

so is it ok for someone to allegedly have that amount of information and not act?yes i know she says it is anecdotal and 2nd hand but if i believed it enough to share with strangers on MN i would report to SS in 1st instance.citing sister as anecdotal source or request sister do so

alice,are you more annoyed at my posts to OP or the fact she is describing some really bizarre behaviours?

i make no apologies for being exasperated

claw3 · 30/10/2009 13:20

OP if you are sure the info you have is correct, phone your sister and ask her for the mothers name and address

biggirlsdontcry · 30/10/2009 13:20

milly that would only cause a rift with op & her sister ,

op - your sister should be the one to report this woman but seeing as she is not going to then could you ask her this woman's name & her ds's names & you already know the area they live in so that information alone might be enough ... to phone ss .

claw3 · 30/10/2009 13:22

FFS just read your sister hardly knows the woman, so its just a bunch of gossip!

alicet · 30/10/2009 13:22

Scottishmummy I agree that just because someone has info that is anecdotal and second hand that shouldn't stop them from reporting it. Because at the end of the day if it is found to not be true then that will very clearly become obvious and far better to me the embarrassment of parents is less of a problem than the unreported abuse of a child.

My issue is that without certain key bits of info there would be nothing ss could do. She doesn't even have basic info to identify the child. Therefore what on earth could be gained by calling ss to say you are concerned a child in their county is being abused but sorry you don't have any info to help them work out who it is?!

If the op knew anything that would identify the child I would back what you are saying all the way. as she does not I don't think it is reasonable to have a pop at her when she is doing what she can - ie: trying to get her sister to either call herself or cough up some details

Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 13:23

As I've said, I hope my sister is going to phone them today. If she feels uncomfortable doing so I've offered to do it for her. Either way I want someone to contact SS today.

OP posts:
SofaQueen · 30/10/2009 13:23

scottish, I agree that something has to be done, but she isn't the best person to deal with this - those who have actually witnessed the behaviour, can tell SS the details of the mother and can give an accurate history are better suited to report (i.e., the OP's sister!).

You really are being too harsh, though your heart is in the right place.

alicet · 30/10/2009 13:24

Sorry that the first paragraph on my last post didn't make a lot of sense - multitasking cooking dinner, looking after ds1 and posting here! Hope if you read it a couple of times it should be clear though

Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 13:28

claw - my sister knows her quite well - but as it's through various groups (i.e. they're not actually friends) she doesn't know her address. All the info she has comes directly from this woman herself while they are talking at these meet ups.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 13:28

so attend playgroups,discuss dc,acquaintances who know the details posted.does the mum just spontaneously reveal?

each way this is very unsatisfactory

if untrue - anecdotal gossip and rumour cause lots of harm and pain

if true- a group a mums acquaint with someone and are privvy to this account.if true someone should act

claw3 · 30/10/2009 13:28

If the woman had Münchhausen by Proxy, would she be telling your sister her son doesnt have a chest infection, but she just give him antibiotics regardless. He isnt toilet trained, because she hasnt bothered toilet training him. Experts have confirmed there is nothing wrong with him.

Surely the whole point of this disorder is they try to deceive!

Original poster
mumofasnottybaby · 30/10/2009 13:30

Scottishmummy that's what I keep telling my sister, someone needs to DO something. I feel bloody helpless without the details necessary to act myself.

OP posts:
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