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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
StephHaydock · 26/10/2009 22:13

I'm not attacking people who find it enjoyable@Maggie. It just seems a very small life to me. I like to be out in the world, keeping busy. I suppose I am a restless, easily bored person.

Quattrofangs · 26/10/2009 22:14

Hang on, education isn't the only route out of a mundane job. Millions of people choose enterprise as a way out - starting their own businesses where they can chose the direction of the business and it is a powerful motivator.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 26/10/2009 22:14

actually, I often think it would be great to work in sainsbury's ? wicked place to people watch, and all of violethills reasons too!

violethill · 26/10/2009 22:15

I wouldn't say 39 is too late! Be positive!

I agree it's perhaps better to do it earlier, and I'm certainly encouraging my children to get qualified sooner rather than later. But really, 39 is nothing! You have 25 or more years of working life left. Or probably more like 30 the way things are heading!

TheFallenMadonna · 26/10/2009 22:15

But I was out in the world, keeping busy...

MaggieBruja · 26/10/2009 22:15

Well, I find sacrificing your every day light hour to somebody else quite surreal. I feel like a rat in a cage when I give over my life to an employer, when I could be following my own whims and interests.

You misunderstand me if you think I like cleaning the loo.

violethill · 26/10/2009 22:17

Who gives their life over to an employer?

There are some seriously weird experiences being expressed on here!

MaggieBruja · 26/10/2009 22:17

VioletHill, I have some plans and they'll be executed when the time is right and not before!

I do find it quite sad that a lot of supposedly intelligent women simply don't get that their way isn't for every single woman... Is that so hard to wrap your mind around??

MaggieBruja · 26/10/2009 22:18

Violet, it's the extreme way of looking at it.

Giving your life over to an employer as a notion is no less extreme or exaggerated than the notion that a happy housewife must be a bit thick.

violethill · 26/10/2009 22:19

Who says there's only one way maggie? You were the one writing yourself off at 39......

There's a big wide world out there you know!

StephHaydock · 26/10/2009 22:19

Oh, I enjoyed being a SAHM, too. For a little while. Maybe I just wasn't very good at it? Two years of nature projects, toddler groups, baking biscuits and braving the science museum did me in. I craved long, meaningful adult conversation, meaty intellectual work, a reason to wear nice clothes, a bit of status, money that was mine...so many things.

I suppose I'm lucky that my job gives me that.

I'm not berating SAHMs. I just genuinely found it mind numbing after a while, and couldn't imagine not working while I am young enough and strong enough and energetic enough to do it.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 26/10/2009 22:19

Maggie, I agree. Some women are hugely vocationally led and need to work in a job than others. Some are equally led towards raising a family. Who said earlier viva la difference?

ninah · 26/10/2009 22:19

I'm changing career at 42 ...

KnackeredOldHag · 26/10/2009 22:20

Some of that dull repetitive work might just be matching up the wrong person for the job though. The jobs of some of my friends would be my idea of hell but they love their jobs so good for them. My dh is a SAHD and he loves it and is really, really good at it. OTOH eventually it would probably drive my barmy and I love going out to work (especially in the knowledge that my dc's are being looked after by someone I know loves them as much as I do).

MaggieBruja · 26/10/2009 22:21

I am certainly not writing myself off. I have so much freedom that somebody tied to a job/career doesn't have.

Lol at the idea of being told "there's a big wide world out there!".

I get more time to enjoy that World

Quattrofangs · 26/10/2009 22:21

"I do find it quite sad that a lot of supposedly intelligent women simply don't get that their way isn't for every single woman... Is that so hard to wrap your mind around??"

I don't believe that anyone has a problem with choosing alternative lifestyles. Have they? I think it's the slightly specious reasons for choosing a non-working lifestyle that has a few of us puzzled.

You know, the "I'm too good to work" line which is a bit pathetic if you think about it. Also the "I'm not good enough to work" line is a bit difficult to swallow.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/10/2009 22:22

Ah well, I got more adult conversation as a SAHM than I do now I reckon, bearing in mind I work with teenagers...

AnnieLobeseder · 26/10/2009 22:23

that my pearls of wisdom don't seem to be having much impact ........

Others on here have said that feminism is about allowing women to have the choice to SAH or WOH. But again, what about men? I'm sure that back in the 1950s, as today, there were women who were very happy to stay at home and look after their families while their DHs worked and earned all the money. There were also women who wanted to work, but they were either not allowed the choice at all, or forced to overcome various obstacles, including social ridicule.

Men in the 1950s had little choice but to WOH. And sadly, that's still mostly true today. There are still many more working women than there are SAH dads. And I think we should be trying to make all career choices, from business person, to SAHP to nurse to plumber to midwive (midspouse?!) to mechanic to secretary, equally valid, equally valued and equally accepted.

If women want to be seen as equal to men in terms of having choices, as was the original idea of feminism, we need to try to eliminate gender discrimination on every level.

For example, I'm Jewish, and at synagogue the men have to wear a kippah, but women don't have to cover their heads unless they want to. I cover my head in synagogue, not out of any feeling of religious obligation, but because I think that since our particular branch of Judaism claims to be about equality, then it needs to practice this in requiring either everyone or no-one to cover their heads. Not entirely related, but I hope you see my point....

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 26/10/2009 22:23

who thinks they are too good to work?

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 26/10/2009 22:25

AnnieLob, well said. (there you go, an acknowledgement )

AnnieLobeseder · 26/10/2009 22:26

Maggie - that's sad! My job is indulging my whims and interests - I'm a scientist and I love thinking up new directions for research and seeing where they go.

I guess a lot of the time finding personal satisfaction is about being lucky enough to have a career you love.

thedollyridesout · 26/10/2009 22:26

These threads do nothing to further the debate. It's just the same old same old:

Violethill with her full time mum + full time teacher jack of all trades hat on and of course her bright sociable and happy kids.

ScottishMummy and her non-judgemental judging...'it's absolutely your choice if you want to be a SAHM but I prefer to work for a living' (I'm paraphrasing of course .)

And then there is Anna with her role as a professional SAHM.

Oh, I nearly forgot ABD - the enlightened one.

Seriously though, how about a decent debate.

Violethill if you were paid a decent wage to be a SAHM would you do it, and maybe recommend it to your kids as a job worth doing?

ScottishMummy what wage would make you want to do the job of SAHM if any?

Anna what would happen to the economy if all these WOHMs stopped working and took a wage for doing a job that they may not even be good at?

ABD - you must have the answers?

violethill · 26/10/2009 22:27

I think you sum that up very well Quattro.
I think, sadly, some women are trapped by their own lack of confidence that they can have worthwhile fulfilling careers while enjoying parenting too.

MaggieBruja · 26/10/2009 22:28

Well quattro, I never start these threads, but yes a lot of people seem to find it hard to accept other people's choices. It makes them question their own I guess.

But it's more than just a choice. It's being who you are. Being brave enough to shrug off judgment or criticism and just roll with what suits your personality better.

I'm certainly not speaking for ever non-working mother here, but in my case, I have a very average IQ, it is totally unrealistic for somebody to come along and tell me 'it's never too late to be a brain surgeon'. YES. Go for it! 1) it would be out of my grasp same as it was when I was 18, and 2) because of my personality, I don't want to study for years and years.

Contentment is rare and valuable. If people are content, I don't see the point of saying "no, you should do this because it works for me... That is such a ludicrous argument.

jasper · 26/10/2009 22:29

By mmred, above

"I love the lists of things SAHM's do - like working mums don't know that 'cos their children live in the garden and forage in bins.

Working parents do those things as well, you know. And we bake with our kids, and do art projects, and get up in the night...there isn't a working parent fairy that flies in and does it all. "

SO well said. Was trying to word something similar but you beat me to it and put it so much better