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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not report this child to SS?

120 replies

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 11:31

I appreciate this is quite an emotive subject, but after a conversation with a friend last night I wanted to see what the general consensus on this kind of thing is...

There is a child that attends the same nursery as my DC. I have noticed this DC a few of times, in nursery and whilst out and about, just because there's a couple of things that don't sit right. Both Mum and DC have been in unwashed clothes each time I've seen them (quite clearly unwashed and caked in dirt and muck), I've seen DC on the way to nursery in just a t-shirt (it?s freezing!). Granted, he's not covered in bruises (although he is always red eyed and looks tired/unhealthy?), but does the fact that he is not clothed adequately and washed constitute as not being cared for properly? She could be a fantastic Mum, but is a bit clueless with clothing/washing? My friend (whose job means she works closely with SS) thinks I should phone and express my concerns. It hadn't occurred to me before; I assumed that the staff at the nursery will as aware as I am...?
Plus, as I explained to my friend, the area that I live in neighbours an area that is full of children like this (whilst walking through the other day there was a child, no more than 2yo, half dressed outside the front of her house on her own. Another example would be a mother shouting and swearing at a child no older than 4yo because she asked for something from Greggs ) and if I contacted SS for this child, I'd be doing it everyday I go out?

I feel as if I would BU for phoning SS, I just feel it?s a bit dramatic?

OP posts:
fifitot · 23/10/2009 16:47

Part of the problem with child abuse and neglect is that people don't think is their business or that to act is interference.

Once upon a time when we lived in closer knit communities someone may have helped out this woman or checked out the situation.

Unfortunately we live isolated lives in the main now.

There is nothing wrong with making a call to NSPCC for advice or to your local childrens social care (Social services). I deliver child safeguarding training to various agencies and one of the messages we try to get across is that child safeguarding is everyone's business. Maybe there is nothing wrong but maybe there is.

I know of many cases where a situation was ignored, where someone could have acted, and a child died. A little girl starved to death in a village not so long ago and may of the residents there later said 'we though something was wrong but didn't want to interfere'.

To all of those who feel that the op is being unreasonable, I would suggest it's better not to give the benefit of the doubt in children's issues. None of you are social workers as far as I know and you are making assessments that all is well on very little information. Far better to refer it to someone who can look at the bigger picture and then decide. Better to piss the woman off a bit then risk a child being hurt or neglected.

The mother may actually want help, she may be in a violent relationship with no one to turn to....she may be fine but we don't know that.

OP you are not being unreasonable. I would suggest you phone NSPCC or children's social care and express your concerns. You will have done as much as you can.

mathanxiety · 23/10/2009 16:49

"One thing happens and a person thinks, report report." Oblomov, I know from another post that you had a horrible experience on the receiving end of an anonymous call, but what the OP describes is a pattern, many observations making up an image of something being 'not right' It's not just one thing and someone being trigger happy here. And OP is not trigger happy. She wants to be reasonable and fair.

claw3 · 23/10/2009 16:54

I dont think anyone is saying you should turn a blind eye. I think the general opinion has been talk to a teacher who would know more about the situation than you do.

RubysReturn · 23/10/2009 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 17:40

mathanxiety - I walk too, but I will make an effort to engage with her!

Thank you everyone for your different perpectives on this. I think I will drop an anonymous note into nursery. I do think there is more too it than just unclean clothes, maybe mum is depressed. Makes me very seeing people struggle but I hope that she already has people on hand.

OP posts:
ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 17:41

...also I have just seen the SS mafia thread didn't realise this was a hot topic at the moment!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 23/10/2009 18:00

Contacting homestart is a very good suggestion.

KarmaAngel · 23/10/2009 19:49

OP that child you describe could have been my DH 30 years ago. His mum had/has severe mental health problems. Him and his brother were in and out of care their whole childhoods. When they were with MIL they would starve all week until she got paid on a Monday. She would buy them a packet of penguins each that they would devour and would then have food until the Wednesday when it would be gone and they would starve again. They only had one set of clothes each (their school uniforms) which they would wear everyday and also sleep in. They never got washed either. They also moved around a lot.

I would contact SS but chances are they're already known to them especially if the little one's in nursery. I do often wonder why DH and his brother were never taken from MIL completely and adopted, they would have such a better childhood.

KristinaM · 23/10/2009 19:50

i think an anonymous note is rather cowardly. if you want to help and believe you are doing the right thing, why woudldn't you sign your name?

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 20:05

Karma, your post brought a tear to my eye

Kristina - why would I need to sign my name? Why does it make a difference?

OP posts:
KristinaM · 23/10/2009 20:16

well i normally sign all my letters and give my name and address

why woulndt you?

anonymous letters are usually malicious. you said you wanted to help

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 20:19

By ChickandDuck Fri 23-Oct-09 16:24:37 Add message | Report | Contact poster

I trust the nursery staff to do their job properly. My own DC goes there. For me to go in and question whether they are doing there job properly would, to me, appear patronising. I don't want to have a bad realtionship with the staff that look after my child.

It would be the same with a signed letter.

OP posts:
GhoulishFan · 23/10/2009 20:40

I'm overweight, ds is skinny, his uniform usually has one spot or so on it because I can only afford one jumper and sometimes it just has to do, he rarely wears his coat to school unless it's driving rain and I insist (otherwise he carries it), he sometimes has greasy hair because he sleeps so poorly and sweats a lot in his sleep. We have no shower at home so it's difficult to remedy quickly (ie first thing of a morning)... he's in year 2 now and it's been this way since reception

I ain't neglecting him. Life just ain't a bunch o' roses for everyone. Maybe the mum is struggling, but I think homestart / surestart support from the nursery is better than going straight to the lions den really.

wahwah · 23/10/2009 20:48

I think from what I've seen here that there is some good advice and for what it's worth I would start with a conversation with the nursery manager. If you explain your worries in the way that you have here and your earnest desire to help and not interfere, then no-one is going to find you patronising. They should be able to reassure you that action is being taken to support the family, but if it isn't, your discussion should prompt them to look more closely. I think an anonymous note is not helpful to anyone.

Regarding Homestart -I don't see how the OP could contact them on another parent's behalf and get them involved. They might be part of the solution, but there needs to be a referral first of all and that has to come from somewhere...

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 20:58

GhoulishFan - this isn't one spot, it's layer upon layer of dirt. From what I've seen it isn't just that DC doesn't wear a jacket, I haven't seen him, or mum, even holding one (it's been pretty cold in the morning earlier in the week)and I've also seen him without any shoes. I am not saying that she's neglecting him - not on purpose anyway - but I do think they look like they could do with some help.

TBH I'm going with my first thoughts on it, before my conversation last night and before coming on here. The nursery will have seen as much as I have so I'm sure they will already be dealing with it.

OP posts:
fifitot · 23/10/2009 21:10

If you discuss with the nursery manager then.

SS aren't going to swoop round and remove a child. Chances are they will visit or the nursery may call a CAF meeting to discuss the child's needs.

YOu are right in acting chickandduck and don't be put off. Imagine if you didn't act and you found out your instincts were right.

If you are wrong - great but if you are right you are helping a child.

thesecondcoming · 23/10/2009 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jemart · 23/10/2009 21:19

YABU - I get a bit fed up with the endless MN agonising over reporting stuff. Try minding your own business, the nursery will report to SS if necessary.

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 21:26

Grrr.... AIBU for NOT reporting ! !

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 23/10/2009 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickandDuck · 23/10/2009 21:26

I'm getting a bit fed up with people not reading my post properley

OP posts:
LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 23/10/2009 21:34

Not all kids like wearing shoes though!!
I can name 2...well one of them is an adult now (me) and the other is ds2...who will often be seen walking outside with no shoes on (in the summer) and in his pram as well with none as other than gluing them on his feet then there is no way of keeping them there!

poshsinglemum · 23/10/2009 21:35

My dd gets filthy after about five minutes of changing her into fresh clothes but I always make sure that she is wearing enough clothes if it is cold. I am obsessed with coats and jumpers for the winter.

I think you are right to be concerned about bruises. Keep an eye on it.

wahwah · 23/10/2009 21:39

I think yanbu for not reporting it to Social Services, but I would caution against assuming that the nursery have taken action. If they have, they won't mind you saying anything, if they haven't then you may galvanise them into offering support.

I would ignore the nasty comments from people who can't separate your concerns for a family from their own anxieties about what people might say about them. That is not the issue.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 23/10/2009 21:44

DS2
no coat just a t-shirt - check
no shoes - check
dirty face - check
grubby clothes - check and check again!!
un brushed hair - check

Me

scruffy just got out of bed hair - check
grubby grabbed the first thing to wear clothes - check
bad teeth - check (even though that is a side effect of pregnancy for me)