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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I am not bridesmaid at my friend's wedding

28 replies

1757 · 22/10/2009 21:50

To keep it simple - I got married and had my best friend as chief bridesmaid. She was very involved, helped me choose the dresses, organised my hen night, stayed with me the night before etc

She was brilliant on the day and put her all into it and treated DH and I to a very generous gift. Of course I am forever grateful for that

Now she is getting married and having two other friends as bridesmaid. She has her reasons e.g. she has more close friends than me and it was difficult for her to decide. She didn't want five bridesmaids which I can understand.

However I can't help feeling hurt. I won't be involved at all and have been left out of the intial hen night emails. I won't be there when she gets ready. She says it is just one day but ....

OP posts:
fernie3 · 22/10/2009 21:53

You are not unreasonable to be hurt I would be too. It is her wedding though so its her choice at the end of the day, I hope you are not TOO upset its not worth it over a wedding.

BubbaAndBump · 22/10/2009 22:16

I wouldn't mind too much about the bridesmaid side of things (I've been in your position - twice actually!), possibly she has some old-fashioned views about not having married friends as bridesmaids?

But I would be really miffed about the lack of contact about the hen night! Can you ask her in a jokey-type-way why you've not been included there? Seems very mean.

Hassled · 22/10/2009 22:20

I can understand why you're upset - but there really is nothing you can do except deal with it, smile a lot on the day and try to have a good time. I can see that it must seem like a bit of a kick in the teeth, though.

MrsToffeeCrisp · 22/10/2009 22:21

YANBU - It would upset me too.

Agree with bubba that you should mention the hen night thing. It's not fair to be excluded from that too.

Unfortunately, weddings can sometimes bring out the worst in people. Try not to dwell on it.

defineme · 22/10/2009 22:29

YANBU to be sad, but every wedding is different. Lots of my friends have huge groups of best mates and I'm not like that so people who are first on my invite list would have me quite a bit further down. On the other hand I think I'm 1 person's only friend so I'm top of her list! Do you see what I'm saying? Life's like that and it's no reflection on you. Just enjoy the party.

A wedding is not really thzat big of a deal if it's not your own or your children's.
You will be at the wedding and the hen night.
YOu are taking part -planning a wedding is more what the mother of the bride gets to be a bit insane about- not you!

LittleSarah · 22/10/2009 22:31

YANBU

I would be very upset. Very.

Of course it is her day and every wedding is different but I totally understand your feelings.

Obviously there isn't much you can do and I agree you need to smile and get on with it but that doesn't make your feelings any less important.

anonymous85 · 23/10/2009 04:03

I would be hurt too

tinkerbellesmuse · 23/10/2009 06:33

YANBU to feel upset.

Frrrightattendant · 23/10/2009 06:38

I can understand why you are upset.

I was asked to be bridesmaid for my best friend, who lives a long way away, but found it too difficult to go through with as I was pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding. I really let her down and would do anything to go back, I really regret it now.

There is something special about being there, I didn't understand at the time, was scared of travelling with new baby etc.

Perhaps you will be able to reconcile it in the future - I am trying my hardest to make up for it now, there is a different situation and I want to be there for her this time.

What I mean is it need not be the end of the friendship, if you were thinking along those lines. Hope you find a way through, it must be painful

girlsyearapart · 23/10/2009 07:46

YANBU to feel sad about this. If she didn't want you to be a bridesmaid then she could've involved you in other ways like being a witness or something.

My uncle re married about 6 years ago and although he knew I'd always wanted to be a bridesmaid(long standing family joke!) he asked my sister instead of me. Bearing in mind our family consists of mum,dad,me,my sister and my uncle I thought that was pretty harsh.

I wouldn't have minded if it were a friend of my uncles wife to be bridesmaid and I didn't expect to be asked but I didn't expect my sister to be asked and not me.

I didn't go to the wedding and still am hurt by it to this day..

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 23/10/2009 07:50

Bubba, i think the initial hen night emails means the ones where the OP and bridesmaids decide what they're doing etc - before they send out a general one

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 23/10/2009 07:51

gya, did your sister do it? why did she think it was? is she much younger/older than you?

BalloonSlayer · 23/10/2009 08:03

She may be old fashioned traditional in that she wants unmarried women as bridesmaids.

When I was a child/teenager married women did not get to be bridesmaids - once you were married, that was it. Once in a while a married woman did participate but was Matron of Honour which makes one think of Hattie Jacques.

Could she just be taking the old fashioned/traditional view?

girlsyearapart · 23/10/2009 08:31

Stealth PB- yes my sister did it. I was pissed off about that too tbh as in the same situation I wouldn't have.

She's 12 years older than me and I was about 24 at the time. we are very close though despite the age gap.

It was done specifically to upset my mum as when they announced the engagement my mum was kidding about how much I wanted to be a bridesmaid and my uncle (little brother syndrome!)probably thought he was being told what to do.

pureequeen · 23/10/2009 08:38

yanbu - similar thing happened to me and I still feel a bit funny about it. I wish I had said something at the time instead of smiling and pretending that it didn't hurt my feelings.

Buddy80 · 23/10/2009 08:58

Hi, I am going to be brave here and say, maybe it is nothing to do with you......

In other words, maybe she picked those bridesmaids for another reason. Perhaps, she wants to be the one who 'shines' on her big day, not outshone by her bridesmaid(s).

Not saying this is necessarily the case here, but it's been known that some brides could take this into consideration.

Bumperlicioso · 23/10/2009 09:44

Really? Gosh, I loathe being a bridesmaid, and have done it three times. I manage to wriggle out of being one for my sister (had to keep an eye on DD, DH couldn't as he was doing photos).

I can understand you feeling upset that you might be investing more into the friendship than she is, but all this fuss over weddings is really bizarre. It's just one day, and all of the really symbolism and tradition has gone and has been replaced by rampant consumerism. Hen trips to Spain, presents for guests, save the date magnets... I would think yourself lucky and just enjoyed getting pissed on the day without feeling like a twat in a big dress and having a load of strangers gawp at you and take photos of you!

dollyparting · 23/10/2009 10:09

YABNU to feel upset - it sounds like you would have really enjoyed being involved in her wedding, sharing her excitement etc.

But please, please do not let it spoil your enjoyment of the whole event, and do not let it spoil things for her.

As defineme said, different people have a whole range of different friends and family obligations and politics to be negotiated.

When I got married, I had already been a bridesmaid 5 times (1 cousin, 1 sister, 2 close friends, and 1 not-so-close friend). But only one of those was my bridesmaid, because I also had dh's sister and my god-daughter.

There was no way I could have had 7 bridesmaids! It was a difficult decision to make, and I was grateful that no-one made a fuss.

Original poster
1757 · 23/10/2009 10:28

Thanks guys

Will just put it down to a bad case of Bridezilla! Weddings do indeed make people go crazy.

OP posts:
Stripycat23 · 23/10/2009 11:03

YABU to expect to be a bridesmaid. It's her wedding and her choice.

YANBU to be hurt at being kept in the dark initally about the hen night.

Try not to dwell on it too much and have a great time at her wedding supporting your friend.

junglist1 · 23/10/2009 14:40

YANBU it's not about choices, choosing to upset someone shouldn't be an option. Then minimising it by saying it's only one day. I think there could be more to it, especially as she won't even have you there at the start of the hen night. I'd be telling her to stuff her wedding, or just dropping her TBH. Friends are supposed to make you feel good, not left out. And yes I am sensitive.

junglist1 · 23/10/2009 14:41

She's a bitch you thought you were her best mate too and she's showing you blatantly that isn't the case. Yuck.

kitbite · 23/10/2009 14:46

junglist1 - nice

YANBU to feel hurt, but YABU to 'expect' to be a bridesmaid. If she doesn't want 5 bridesmaids, that's up to her, and weddings always upset someone. I understand why you feel upset that she "chose" other friends first, but ultimately it's her choice and she probably was as in pieces deciding as you (and presumably others of her close friends) were in being told.

Don't dwell on it, and enjoy the wedding.

kitbite · 23/10/2009 14:46

ah, if I'd read everything properly I could have just put "what stripycat said"

junglist1 · 23/10/2009 15:06

Not nice, realistic. I would have added an extra bridesmaid to avoid this kind of thing. That's what friends do.

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