To be p****d off that DH is a much better parent than me!

[Mooncupflowethover]

This wasn't how it was meant to be surely? DH spends so much time with DS1, he just ENJOYS being with him/playing with him etc. He has patience, he cooks proper meals for him, he cuddles him non stop.

Tonight DS1 (who can be a serious handful, he's 2.6) was playing a board game with me and when I told him it was time to call it a day he threw a paddy and chucked the pieces everywhere. I'm sorry to say, I saw red, and dragged him by one arm very roughly to the time out corner, whilst he screamed the place down. I want to point out that I feel pretty awful about this, made worse by DH shouting 'For God's sake, put him down!'

I stormed off into the kitchen in a fury and stood there with steam practically coming out of my ears, and I could hear DH soothing DS.

DH put DS to bed as usual, and I could hear him reading a story, then I heard heard him talking to DS, asking him what he'd been doing today, and telling him what a lovely day they were going to have tomorrow, all the stuff they were going to do etc.

I went outside for a good cry, feeling like a totally shit parent (which, lets face it, I was). When I came back in DH bollocked me gently, pointing out (as if I didn't know!) that I was completely over the top, and under no circumstances was I to do it again.

I wanted so much to be a great mum, but I get so bored/frustrated/annoyed. I give him ready meals (ok, Annabel Karmel ones, but still), I hate playing games, it all feels like I have to force myself to do all this. Surely it should come naturally, like it does with DH?

So DS is lucky to have his Dad, but WHY can't I be as good at parenting as he is, it's not bloody fair, I'm jealous, so I guess I ABU aren't I!

My husband is a gifted parent. He plays gently, imaginatively and with total engagement in a way that I find trickier.

He is also a teacher. It is a standing joke with us now that he is at his most perfect as a parent in June just before the schools break up here. By then, confined mainly to post-dinner playing, he is prone to undermining the team as DaddyJ so deftly puts it.

A few weeks into the summer, when he is working but in the house more, his patience is tested regularly and his ideas about how parenting functions become more realistic.

He is a better parent than me because he is calmer. But I work damn hard as a parent and my children adore me too for different qualities than the ones he has.

I do think you might want to think about whether you are getting a bit hung up on matching cultural ideals of motherhood (saintly, central, endlessly patient etc) when measuring yourself against a standard of good parenting might be fairer on you.

My laidback nearly 7 year-old loses the plot over board games by the way.

Fernie, I just wanted to say how moving it was to read about the way you have broken the cycle from your own childhood.

Well Happy Birthday OP, and if you have a six month old too then cut yourself some slack! You are not going to be perfect, and maybe you are trying a little bit too hard in any case?

My mother was fairly perfect with small children (from anecdotal evidence, I can't remember that far back) and awful with teenagers (I remember that only too well). So I had an idea as to what "Mothering" was about, and prior to having children knew perfectly well that wasn't me. I'm not patient and I don't enjoy arty stuff or make believe or repetition. I like my own space and I have a strong need to achieve. So I knew I was no earth mother, and that I'd be going back to work and leaving the children with someone who was good at and enjoyed baby stuff. However I still found a huge pressure (from me, not anyone else) to be this great mum, and not surprisingly I really wasn't and got frustrated when I tried to do the things I thought I should. It was dh who reminded me that it wasn't in me to mother babies in that way. I can do it, but I don't enjoy it, so after a short time it makes me very grumpy. He's much more laid back, enjoys the children doing little things more and just isn't driven the same way that I am. So he is better at some aspects of parenting than me. Yes that's irritating, but that's how it is.

For me going back to work confirmed that that was the right choice for us, and indeed when I took some time out of work a year ago too. But my children are happy and we have a good relationship, so really in the longer scheme of things whether you play board games with your ds now, or your dh does, or someone else who cares for them does probably doesn't really matter, so long as they are stimulated, safe and happy.

I really don't believe that "nature" makes us all good with babies/toddlers.

Maybe you just need a break? It is easier for him with out being with your DS all the time. It does get to you if it's been a long period of time - maybe have a good talk to you DH about how you are feeling atm with things?

OP , I've been reading about how you find parenting, how your DH is with the kids, your childhood experiences and I'm in shock: ARE YOU ME????????

Which obviously means, YANBU at all

well, it does actually sound like your DH is good news, he is trying hard, on this one occasion you were being a little OTT

these things happen

but then it may well be that you will be better than your dh at the next stage

we all have stages that we find particularly hard, and for you it may well be the relentless tedium of toddlerdom

you may find yourself coming into your own when he grows a bit older and needs understanding in a different way

to be perfectly honest, I didn't feel I was brilliant at the toddler age, dh was probably better; like you, I found the everyday tedium hard to take

but I am doing better than
dh at the akward pre-teen age, because I can understand where ds is coming from (and I can see, from the outside, how totally like dh he is )

so your time may yet come- you haven't blown it once and for all

OP - what are you good at? What are your strengths? What is your special contribution to your family?

You are not in competition with your DP as to who is the better parent. What matters in a family is not that both the adults are equal matches for one another's skills, but that each adult brings complementary skills and contributions to the family .

I think a lot of pressure is put on women to instantly bond and know what to do from the moment their baby is born and have the patience of a Saint. For some it does not come naturally and there is no shame in that.

Doesnt make your DH a better parent, sounds to me that your DH might just have some better strategies for dealing with your ds.

When mine were little i would try to pre-warn them rather than spring it on them ie we are going to play one more game, then tidy it away, that seemed to cut down on the tantrums when we had to stop.

Could you not get involved with the bed time routine with your dh and ds. Could all 3 of you do some things together?

I agree with the posters who have said your dh acted appropriately.. He was quite right to admonish you for reprimanding your ds in the way you did. And you know that.

I can't believe the posters who say otherwise.
Change the genders on the OP and we would all be suggesting the arm dragging parent went to anger management lessons.
Everyone has different temperments though and react in diferent ways to stresses.
I am guilty of seeing red too but I am much more chilled now that I use to be and that is a conscious decision I have made.
I have a son of 2.6 too so know they can be infuriating and you do have my symopathy.

I think it is good your recognise that your dh is a good parent and you want to be more like him.
My advice is the next time a flare up situation happens is to imagine what your dh would do in that situation and try and behave like him instead.

This situation has nothing to do with being a SAHP or whatever and a 60:40 split in childcare is more than most people get.

claw3, excellent post. My own DP is much more patient and calm with my nearly 3 yr old than I am. But then he is usually coming to the situation fresh whilst I'll have had 10 hours already over arguments about getting dressed, snatching toys of siblings, had food thrown at me, tantrums over not watching anymore CBeebies, having to leave the park after being there forever, not being allowed another sweetie...it goes on.
I'm another who will readily admit to struggling with the babyhood/toddler stuff. I find them adorably cute and cuddly but my God, it can be fustrating and boring.
My OH is useless at other things though...remembering their drinks, snacks, extra clothes, getting their shoes on..basically the organisational stuff that makes my kids lives more comfortable.
He'd just fling them in the buggy with no shoes or coat on, no nappies...and this is for a day out.
We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Our kids are lucky to have 2 parents.

Your dh sounds like mine, I am a SAHM and when dh come from work spends time with dd 2.8 years and is quite quick to point out where i go wrong and not what i do right, i am with dd 24/7 fgs he is not.

it's a 60:40 split, remember. there's no point painting this as dad coming home to an exhausted mother and getting them all hyped up after his easy-peasy day at work.

i'm really shocked by the comments about 'letting down the team'. if you want to teach your children that standing by while an adult drags a wee kid about painfully by the arm is right, then way to go...

to me, it seems infernally stupid and a gross misunderstanding of that kind of parenting to mindlessly support the other partner regardless of their behaviour. like molly said, imagine we were talking about a man doing this, and a woman saying 'stop it'. would you have a problem then? i seriously doubt it.

(that not addressed to the OP, i should stress, who is not in any way making light of last night's episode and who realises that something has to change, hence the post).

I just wondered if the oringinal poster had talked to her partener about this (i.e feeling overwhelemed etc) if it is 60/40 already then theres ot much he can do if he is also working in terms of extra care BUT perhaps he can offer support and advice on how he deals with things when he is in charge of care so that theres no confusion on boudaries etc

good point, fernie. being a united front means talking this through in advance and going along with the best plan, not just responding positively to whatever the other parent is doing at that moment.

These threads upset me

Yes it is bad parenting to drag a child by the arm. Yes if you feel you are struggling with your parenting to a point that it is affecting your kids and family life, then get help either from family or elsewhere (I think sure start has been mentioned)

However if this is just a rare incidence of seeing red and losing it, but you are otherwise a good and loving mum don't blow it out of proportion. I did grow up in an abusive household so get utterly outraged at some of the over reactions on mumsnet.

As long as you can apologise to your DS and don't let it happen again he is not going to be damaged

i hate this 'bad parenting thing, you know. it's just bad behaviour, no more excusable in an adult than a child, in fact less so.
but like roseability says, so long as you're taking steps to make sure that it won't happen again. seriously, have a look at the books grendle and i recommended, they're really interesting.

i love the reactions on mumsnet.
the op made a mistake and knows she was in the wrong,fair enough everyone makes mistakes. but all anyone focuses on in the first few posts is how the husband was out of order for telling her it was unacceptable.
if a woman posted about her husband saying "he dragged ds across the room by his arm in a rough way and then told me to deal with him. i got him settled and put him to bed and then came down and told him that this was unacceptable and to not do it again.now he's in a sulk"
i doubt the 3rd and 4th post would have described the op as a twat or suggest the husband smack her one.

What really irks me on this thread actually is that very little people are actually answering the OP's question which is whether she is unreasonable to envious of the fact that to her her DH is a better parent because most are too busy actually judging the OP's parenting skill or her DH's which really wasn't the point at all.

I was talking about a team that works like the one Fernie mentions. We talk a lot about our shared approach and how to back each other up and that is crucial.

I have definitely learnt a lot from my dh and on the few occasions when he's asked me to step back because I'm too involved or too cross in a situation he has been dead right to intervene.

It is important for the child to realise that both parents think that a scene like the one the op described is wrong and won't happen again..

It is different if you have a 90:10 split as we do at the moment. Dh can fail to see why I'm picking up on what looks like a single incident when I can see the pattern. When he is home more he can see why some issues become difficult to deal with ... This certainly doesn't mean he starts to condone bad parenting.

Given the split is already fairly equitable for the op, then working to build the op's confidence and skills is the way forward, as it would be if she were a man.

Lifestooshort, you are right. No one (including me) has answered the OP's question.
No, she is NBU. I think my DP is a better parent than me and it hurts.

Well no she is NBU to be p!issed off if she thinks that is the case.

really she says pissed off, but I think there is probably quite a lot of hurt too and as a result a feeling of inadequacy.

I feel like that from time to time when I think DH is better parent and I do feel sad and hurt and inadequate (but that is only on bad days)

I agree,LITS.

I know I keep harping on about it,but the "bollocking" from the husband seems patronising to me,& the fact that the OP thinks it was justified makes me really

Mooncup I found myself in your stuation a few times and felt the same way as you do. Didn't think DH was a better parent only because he works FT out of the house. However I often felt soooo bad and guitly that I wondered why he could be so grown up and not lose it. (Then I left him on his own with dc for a day ).

Maybe because my dh is out most of the times he never once dared to gently bollocking me, also because maybe he saw how hard I was bollocking myself. If he had done so I'd have been angry at first maybe but would have accepted it as we should learn from one another. And I'd rather a bollocking after than in front of the children. As a rule of thumb parents should be a united front, obviously not in the way that a child is not protected as aitch poited out. I am also guilty of gently bollocking him those very rare times he got it wrong and he always took it the right way.

I also second who said cut your slack as you have a 6 month old too. I remember being a lot less calm when dd2 was smaller. I was exhausted and I didn't even know.

Many Thanks to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday ..

Have just read through the messages left since last night, in answer to a few of them:

stakethroughtheheart-

I don't feel it's important to be the better parent, I just wish I was on a par. DH has done his fair share of getting up in the night. I breast fed during the day and ff overnight (which DH was mainly responsible for).

allyoodle -

The board game was actually KerPlunk, when DS hurled it, it was marble and plastic straw mayhem! I do feel guilty about what happened. For this single incident I will move on, I certainly hope we all will. Your words are not too huggy

slowreadingprogress -

I hope this is true, thanks for giving me that perspective..

sorciereanna -

I'm good at getting DS to eat and get dressed, he usually plays DH up something chronic! I'm usually quite good at soothing and encouraging him to have conversations, we make each other laugh alot..

mollythetortoise & aitchtwo -

Yes, I am aware (since you pointed it out) that, should it have been the other way round, DH would have been absolutely flamed. I don't really know what to say other than it's given me food for thought, definitely.
I will definitely get myself a copy of the book you suggested (How To Talk). It keeps cropping up on MN (in glowing terms), so I'll
give it a go.

diddl -

Please don't be . I do still feel that he was justified, because it wasn't ok (my actions last night), but I knew that anyway so perhaps the gentle bollocking wasn't necessary and a tad patronising. God knows though, I've given him a few gentle bollockings over the years. It's not an everyday occurance, fortunately. Thankyou for your kind words

To everyone else who took the time to reply, many thanks, I've read every single message, and do appreciate all input. I haven't replied to everyone, as there's loads...but you've all given me great responses, personal stories and suggestions and I really am grateful. I certainly don't feel quite as bad about A. Karmel meals!!

I think I probably ABU to be p**d off that DH is a better parent, as I should be grateful that DH is a great Dad. I hope that one day I will learn to let go and maybe just enjoy being a mum (I do at times).
I obviously have issues to address re. seeing red when DS is a pain. I don't know if the anger will go, as it seems to be inherent, but I will rein it in for the future, as much as possible. I was completely OTT, I know that.

I'm not a bad Mum, this was a one off, I usually just rant. DS2 is a very happy baby, and causes me very little stress, but then so was DS1 once! I have a lot to learn, wish me luck

Good luck, Mooncup

Certainly kept your cool nicely on this thread!
Bodes well.