To be p****d off that DH is a much better parent than me!

[Mooncupflowethover]

This wasn't how it was meant to be surely? DH spends so much time with DS1, he just ENJOYS being with him/playing with him etc. He has patience, he cooks proper meals for him, he cuddles him non stop.

Tonight DS1 (who can be a serious handful, he's 2.6) was playing a board game with me and when I told him it was time to call it a day he threw a paddy and chucked the pieces everywhere. I'm sorry to say, I saw red, and dragged him by one arm very roughly to the time out corner, whilst he screamed the place down. I want to point out that I feel pretty awful about this, made worse by DH shouting 'For God's sake, put him down!'

I stormed off into the kitchen in a fury and stood there with steam practically coming out of my ears, and I could hear DH soothing DS.

DH put DS to bed as usual, and I could hear him reading a story, then I heard heard him talking to DS, asking him what he'd been doing today, and telling him what a lovely day they were going to have tomorrow, all the stuff they were going to do etc.

I went outside for a good cry, feeling like a totally shit parent (which, lets face it, I was). When I came back in DH bollocked me gently, pointing out (as if I didn't know!) that I was completely over the top, and under no circumstances was I to do it again.

I wanted so much to be a great mum, but I get so bored/frustrated/annoyed. I give him ready meals (ok, Annabel Karmel ones, but still), I hate playing games, it all feels like I have to force myself to do all this. Surely it should come naturally, like it does with DH?

So DS is lucky to have his Dad, but WHY can't I be as good at parenting as he is, it's not bloody fair, I'm jealous, so I guess I ABU aren't I!

Because if her husband deals with the paddies he might realise it´s not so easy and a "gentle bollocking" afterwards isn´t actually conducive to anything.

aitch I suppose your right - (fernie is the easiest ever person to convince and hopes never to be asked anything serious in real life)

The fact that she was outside crying, to me, shows that she already felt bad and understood that she overreacted.

Did she really need 'bollocking', gently or otherwise, aswell as punishing herself?

Everyone overreacts from time to time. It doesn't make them a bad parent.

Surely the DH should have been asking her why she felt she overreacted the way she did and how he could make her life easier and less stressfull.

Bollocking her in anyway is not usefull to anyone imo and will only serve to make the op feel even more stressed/depressed.

Op do you feel you maybe suffering with depression. You sound very down on yourself?

"you can only do your best, which I think is what you are doing and as such you are a good parent".

but how can you possibly say this of someone other than yourself? it's nuts. this place is turning into netmums.

OP, you might be a brilliant parent having a down day, really you might, but you might also need some help with your parenting, which is available from various sources if you speak to your HV. if you think this is a problem then i'm inclined to believe you (rather than people projecting their own feelings), so it would be good to hear from you at some point.

diddl, you've already made it clear that you would have done the same thing to your child for knocking over a board game, and that you would have 'smacked your dh one' for remonstrating with you. the fact that you are turning this all round on the husband here is extremely peculiar.

OP, do you do most of the child-caring? It is a totally different ballgame if you are the primary carer IMHO, than if your children are not your "job".

FWIW my DH is a much, much better housewife than me! I get home from work and the children are happy and thehouse spotless and dinner is on the table! He goes swimming with them all the time etc. I'm always too "busy" somehow. If I could earn what he does, we'd swap in a heartbeat.

Mooncup - are you a SAHM?

Bet DH would not be such a fantastically eager parent if he were at home with them all day.

It's completely normal to get frustrated and bored with parenting, and it isn't 'normal' to want to sit all day and read books or sing with your kids.

Did your parents do this with you (a rhetorical question, mine certainly didn't)?

So please do not beat yourself up over it, fun-time dads like my dh are SO annoying!

Don't be too hard on yourself MC. So you don't like board games or cooking, no one is good at everything.

What are the things you enjoy doing most with your ds? Taking him out? Spending time with other Mums and tots so you get some company too. Try and spend more time doing things you enjoy. Also, make sure you get some "me time", so you feel less bored.

We all lose our temper and feel guilty about not being a good enough Mum -it comes with the territory it seems

May be his Dad is more suited to this stage, but soon enough there'll be things that you do better than him.

The fact you're worried and you've taken the time to write this thread shows you're far from being a rubbish Mum.

What is your parenting like Aitch? How do you deal with your less than perfect parenting moments (presuming you have any)?

Mooncupflowethover I just wanted to say that I grew up in a home where my mother was very ill and she had serious problems in various ways id rather not go into too much but as a result when I had my first child I just didnt realise how to interact with them and although their physical needs were met emotionally it was ribbish. I had a Playworker from the play and learn scheme come around to "teach me" how to play because its something I had never done before. I also signed up for a number of courses at my local childrens centre. If you really believe you are bad at this parenting perhaps it might be an idea to ask around. When I did I was AMAZED how many people helped me.

and btw my first child had a serious speech delay as soon as I began actually talking to her she didnt - now thats a bad parent. It had never occured to me to talk to my child because i hadnt grown up like that!

the first step is to contact homestart (your HV can do this OR you can self refer just by emailing them) they will be able to help

www.home-start.org.uk/

sorry for going on!

YANBU.
Nothing wrong with ready meals now and again, my DD had a waitrose lasagne in the car tonight on the way to ballet. Perhaps you have set really high standards for yourself and feel depressed you can't be supermummy, and DH seems to be a lot calmer about things which can be annoying!
We are all human. I think perhaps your DH could try and understand what you are going through, a little more?

Well done for even attempting the board game.... i HATE playing games with my DC and probably only do it once a year, on Christmas Day! I also refuse to go out with them on their bikes, or go to soft play areas, because I just can't stand it. We're all human! And I reckon I'm a great mummy!

I hope you feel better about this soon, why not chat it over with DH.

Yes, I would have seen red and perhaps overreacted, but not in a physical way.

I would have told my child to pick the pieces up, maybe too sharply.

And of course, I should have put that I would have felt like smacking my husband.

I think it was Ok for her husband to intervene, but, I don´t think he should have shouted at her, in front of their son, and I don´t think he should have "bollocked" her.

Just got back from feeding DS2 and there are so many replies! Just give me a moment to read through them properly, and I'll try to answer some of your questions. Many thanks for the responses btw..

roseability, set aside your anger and read what i've actually written. if you think it's acceptable to hurt a toddler for chucking a tantrum and then when it's pointed out to you, still to have 'steam coming out' of your ears, so be it.

the OP has written for help, surely? what about giving her some, rather than just dismissing her.

agree totally with fernie, if the OP is someone who isnt' just having a down day (and only she can answer this) then homestart etc can really help. if you don't have the tools to be a parent, you can't just magic them up out of nowhere, you need help and guidance. which might just take the form of going to a surestart toddler group, nothing heavy.

there are schemes running in this country that help mothers who simply do not know what to do with children, like fernie says, not speak to them, not read to them, not interact with them or do silly things, and it's not because they don't care, it's because they don't know where to start because their own parents didn't model these things for them. it's not judgement on a parent to take the help that's out there, rather i completely respect them for breaking the cycle. on that note, i applaud fernie wholeheartedly.

lol, not homestart. i think that's when your car breaks down. surestart.

arf, just read fernie's post again, it is homestart. and surestart.

hope this is just a blip for you, OP, but if not then there is help out there. you can't teach what you have not learned.

Message withdrawn

Ok, a little background. I'm a SAHM, I have 2 DS, one 2.6, the other 6m.

DH works from home, the childcare varies, but it's usually 60/40, with me doing the larger share.

The bollocking was a gentle one, he was calm though a little flustered. Yes, it was deserved.

He didn't know that I had been crying outside, I calmed and composed myself before I went back in.

AitchTwoToTangOh:

My own childhood was one of loving neglect IYKWIM, I was allowed to run wild. No, I don't remember playing with my folks, something I often mention to DH.
I probably am expecting too much from DS, you're right, I just find him so frustrating.

'We don't post on mn about it because we feel there is a bigger picture to our parenting, whereas this op doesn't'

Well of course there is a bigger picture, but I'd be typing a thesis!! This is a snapshot, one event that compelled me to post here, mainly as I was interested in people's opinions, and to see if others felt the same way.

Shiny&New...not depressed, just overwhelmed by it all.

Many thanks to all the others that took time to post, really appreciated, and some good suggestions.

FWIW, I absolutely don't feel it's acceptable to behave the way I did. But this post isn't really about that..It is about the fact that DH is clearly a better parent, and I wish it wasn't that way.

kinda with diddl here, its not right to get angry and take it out on a child, but lets face it, most of us have done it while wound up and op's dh didn't make anything easier for her and undermined her punishment of time out by comforting ds

don't feel too bad op, we've all been there

I should probably mention that DH had an absolutely bloody awful childhood with plenty of violence, so I think that goes a long way to explain why he tries hard to be a good Dad.

I actualy am not gonna respond because i wouldn'd be saying anything that hasn't already been said.

I just wanna say that your name, OP, makes me giggle so much. More so than any other daft mn names

Diddl: I did feel like smacking him, not because he was in the wrong, but because he's so bloody perfect calm!

Actually if your DH had a bloody awful childhood with lots of violence, it is quite unusual that he is such a good parent. But that's a good thing and not worth splitting hairs over.

Do you like being a SAHM? Would you be happier if you could go to work part time?

BrokkenHarted..Ta , chose it after reading about them on here, was v.funny!