To be p****d off that DH is a much better parent than me!

[Mooncupflowethover]

This wasn't how it was meant to be surely? DH spends so much time with DS1, he just ENJOYS being with him/playing with him etc. He has patience, he cooks proper meals for him, he cuddles him non stop.

Tonight DS1 (who can be a serious handful, he's 2.6) was playing a board game with me and when I told him it was time to call it a day he threw a paddy and chucked the pieces everywhere. I'm sorry to say, I saw red, and dragged him by one arm very roughly to the time out corner, whilst he screamed the place down. I want to point out that I feel pretty awful about this, made worse by DH shouting 'For God's sake, put him down!'

I stormed off into the kitchen in a fury and stood there with steam practically coming out of my ears, and I could hear DH soothing DS.

DH put DS to bed as usual, and I could hear him reading a story, then I heard heard him talking to DS, asking him what he'd been doing today, and telling him what a lovely day they were going to have tomorrow, all the stuff they were going to do etc.

I went outside for a good cry, feeling like a totally shit parent (which, lets face it, I was). When I came back in DH bollocked me gently, pointing out (as if I didn't know!) that I was completely over the top, and under no circumstances was I to do it again.

I wanted so much to be a great mum, but I get so bored/frustrated/annoyed. I give him ready meals (ok, Annabel Karmel ones, but still), I hate playing games, it all feels like I have to force myself to do all this. Surely it should come naturally, like it does with DH?

So DS is lucky to have his Dad, but WHY can't I be as good at parenting as he is, it's not bloody fair, I'm jealous, so I guess I ABU aren't I!

OP,I don´t see how it makes your husband a better parent.

You know you handled the situation badly, and you can do it differently another time.

You are different people & you need to find out what you like doing with your son.

Something I don´t quite understand is the meals.

Don´t you cook proper meals?
And if so, surely your son is eating the same as you & your husband?

That is a good point didl (although not really central to the "parenting" issue as such) - doesn't your DC just eat what you eat? DS has for lunch whatever we had for dinner the night before.

thanks op for posting - i'm sure so many people have felt the way you do.
Do you mind me asking if your children are adopted? Because if not, in the past 3 and a bit years, you've been pregnant, given birth, become a mum, been pregnant again, given birth, and become a mum of 2. Your dh hasn't had the same physical/hormonal experiences so for starters you might well be very tired....sorry for not expressing this very well - have two children of similar ages to you and a dh whose patience I marvel at, whereas I seem to spend a lot of time almost hiding from the dcs, but then other time (usually after a good night's sleep) able to tune into them....

Cut the woman some slack! You can't always give a 2.6 yo the same food as an adult, reheated stirfry wouldn;t be great. An Annabell Karmel ready meal's not going to hurt him.

Oops!

Meant to preview not post!

Not really sure what I wanted to say there.

Something more along the lines of why are the hubands meals proper and not the OPs?

OP, don´t be too hard on yourself.

And another time try the old counting to ten before you deal with something when the red mist is forming.

isn't it than I
sneaks off to pedants corner

Diddl, it makes him a better parent because he is determined that his kids don't suffer the way he did. I don't really have that drive, obviously, I don't want my DS to have a bad childhood, but I don't really have anything to compare it against.

I do know I don't want DS to run wild, like I did, it didn't make me into a well rounded adult..God, difficult to explain.

I had lots of freedom, but I don't think that did me any favours..which might explain why I tend towards being authoritarian (for want of a better word0 with DS. I don't equate having no boundaries with being happy. So I try and create them for DS, and, being 2, he doesn't want them.

I don't cook proper meals because I'm a hopeless cook and DS hardly ever eats it. DH is a fantastic cook, so he usually cooks proper meals if he finishes work before tea time (5pm).

Georgimama...DS is given what we eat if DH cooks..otherwise I give him Karmel ready meals with steamed (packet)veg, or tinned something or other.

I think that parents can be good at different things. Your dh is obviously more patient with toddlers than you are and it sounds like you need to work on controlling your temper, as I do. But you might be much better with them as they grow older. Easier said than done but you should try not to compare yourself to your dh and focus on the parts that you do enjoy.

It's tough with 2 such little ones but it will get easier, mine are 2 years older than yours and it has all got a lot easier now. I like ds1 more and more the older he gets which is very encouraging.

OP,yes your husbands childhood would explain why he reacted as he did and felt it necessary to tell you not to do it again.

But, he must imo also make sure that he doesn´t take the route of never disciplining your son and just placating paddies so that they are seen as acceptable.

And please ignore that if I am completely off the mark with it!

as the OP herself acknowledges, there is a world of difference between discipline and dragging toddlers by their arm.

it might do you good to read 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, mooncup, it's really for older children but i found it really interesting as a way of questioning my responses to stressful situations.

I used to feel this way about dh and my ds (who is dc1), especially when he was at the height of the 2 year old stage. I felt really disconnected from ds, having felt very connected to him as a breastfed baby. I didn't know how to deal with a 2 year old, nor the anger and frustration some of his behaviour evoked in me. I didn't know how to empathise with him and see the world through 2 year old eyes. Dh seemed to do some of this instinctively and ds and dh seemed to have a more special bond. It made me sad.

I realised in the end tha some of it went right back to ds's birth and early feeding problems and difficulty I'd had 'bonding', whatever that means. So I took some steps to address that, to put it in the past and it helped.

But, do you know what, I also just was not instinctively good with toddlers. I had no prior experience and I had to learn. I read a fair bit, like "Advendtures in gentle discipline" and "how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk" and a bit of Alfie Kohn. I learned to give ds a countdown to changes of activity, to offer limited choices (where both outcomes were acceptable to me), to appeal to his sense of humour and silliness and to sometimes take things at a slower pace and stress less.

Now dd (dc2) is 2.2 and although she is a far fierier character it is a breeze in comparison and I feel far more connected to her. What's more, sometime between about 3.3 and 4 years I reconnected with ds and we have a lovely relationship again. He also remains close to dh as ever.

There's nothing wrong with you and your dh isn't perfect. Parenting toddlers is hard and takes practise. Give yourself a break, but also do try to take steps to learn different tricks for coping with maddening, age-appropriate, normal toddler behaviour.

why do you feel it's important for you to be the better parent mooncup? can you turn it around to see yourself as a "good enough" parent, and your dh as a gifted parent (perhaps mainly with toddlers)? which is a good situation for your kids, is it not?

my dp is naturally more patient than me, although i've learned patience from my children. but i'm much better at getting the kids to do as they're told first time, keeping the house harmonious etc. we have different roles, but i wouldn't ever say either of us is a better parent, we just have different strengths but we're both on the same side.

diddl...No, you're not completely off the mark at all, and I agree with you. DH doesn't always indulge DS, he does tell him off sometimes, but he tends to put up with a lot.

Today I overreacted, it was bad parenting, but it just feels like I've got so much to learn, whereas DH seems to have learnt it.

btw how does the division of care work with ds2 - is he awake in the night? are you bf? toddlers can be particularly hard to deal with if you're physically/emotionally stretched or short of sleep, it's completely normal.

och, he's probably had the motivation to think about what he doesn't want to be like, whereas the rest of us just bumble through.

agree totally with grendle, counting down five minute until we stop playing, two minutes, and then 'last game and tidy up so we can have a biscuit' is the way to get acquiescence (ninety per cent of the time). also second the two acceptable options. it's this coat or this coat, darling, not let me put your coat on etc.

But you´re not deliberately making your children suffer are you?

I don´t know why but this is really upsetting me now.

Your husband had violence in his childhood, and obviously doesn´t want that for his children.

But I think his determination for this made him overreact to the incident in the OP, in the same way as your determination to have rules/boundaries made you overreact.

Really got to get some sleep (knackered, DS1 up in the night for hours, but that's another story). I'll try to answer some more tomorrow (my b'day ). Thanks again to all who've taken the time to reply..

whether it's deliberate or not isn't really the point, though. i'm not talking about the op but plenty of people carelessly damage their kids.

happy birthday for tomorrow, mooncup.

with all due respect, I doubt the being up all night is totally another story - i think you should let yourself off the hook, sleep deprivation makes nearly everyone irritable and daily life tougher...

My DP is a full time dad and I work full time.

He is pretty perfect. He draws with DD (age 4), does crafts, takes her out, is fantastic with her. I am grumpier, more boring, can't draw and am knackered after work, and keep trying to make her read and grilling her about school. I'm the one who does timeout, he distracts her (usually successfully)

And yet -

When I come home from work she's all over me and pretty much ignores him. Often she starts saying "Me and Mummy will play at the weekend...and Daddy can't come." He's even fine with that and says it's natural she should want to be with her mum. I could never be so gracious if I'd been at home cutting out pictures of Madeline all day.

Not trying to hijack your thread with my wacky life , just trying to give you a different perspective. Basically he's a better parent than me (not to mention he doesn't have work guilt) and we just have to get on with it. As an earlier poster said, that's why they have two parents, so you can bring different things to it. Not getting into the shouting/grabbing, but in real life sometimes people fly off the handle, and it's a life lesson your kids will need to know. Not everyone they encounter will be perfectly calm all the time.

Also the point about different ages is very true. 2.6 is tiny - my DD at 4.9 can't do board games, after 5 seconds she's screaming "I won!" and crying if anyone else tries to pick up a counter. Even in 6 months time he will be much further on in his development and you may find you get on with him much, much better. Don't contrast yourself with your DH, just focus on what you and your son can do together that you enjoy. A little of this will go a long way. (Actually DD and I have great games with Barbies and Playmobil, but don't put me near plasticine.)

As an aside - I don't understand the ready meal thing. If you can afford them, do them. When DD was tiny she ate out of jars Standing over carrots rendering them down, for hours at a time, like Marie Curie looking for radium, made me lose the will to live. Then she wouldn't eat it anyway. We are mostly lucky to have a choice, surely life is tough enough without turning that into a moral issue.

You obviously feel very guilty about what happened, don't beat yourself up any more. Can I say "forgive yourself and move on" on MN or is it too huggy?

Not only does each parent have different strengths and bring different things to their child, but also each parent has different strengths at different times...Your children are still very very young. Your husband's patient and nurturing nature is suiting everyone for now. But in 4, or 5 years time the kids will need different things, more independence, for instance and perhaps that is where your husband may struggle and you may come into your own. You may also find the things you do with older kids much more interesting and fun - you may sit up at the table putting the world to rights with them for instance....

Keep faith with yourself and IN yourself as their mum and take the long view if you can

For now, imho, all you need to work on is keeping calm. Make sure you're always able to look at your expectations of your children and ensure you're not getting frutrated because you're expecting too much of them. For now, they just will be illogical and maddening at times, you can't change that, all you can do is change your response to it

Good luck.

The OP has made feel a little better and less guilty about my own less than perfect parenting. TBH I have always struggled with playing with my kids. My toddler is at the stage where she likes to have endless conversations between her and my thumbs...it can last for hours and is very repetitive. I find singing nursery rhymes with the actions mind-numbing and baby peek-a-boo games boring. I have had almost 3 years of it non-stop though and and have been a SAHM for all of that time, 10 hours a day mostly on my own.
It doesn't mean I don't love my children and am grateful and happy to be a mum..just that I recognise my weaknesses.
I also have a short fuse and shout far too much. I've also been a bit heavy handed on occassion and like the OP, have felt completely awful, ashamed and guilty.

It's always nice to read about good Dads!

However..the OP's dh is neglecting another role: He is being a poor teamplayer.

First he failed to back up his wife. For undermining the united front he deserves a firm bollocking.

Then he told her off which again is pretty damn irritating behaviour by someone who is supposed to be your rock.
He could have questioned/discussed, possibly even challenged her gently - but giving her a bollocking? Not helpful.
(Understandable in the light of what the OP revealed about his past but still.)

Great Dad, yes, but he let down his teammate on this occasion.
Being a great parent isn't just about the kids.

I agree DaddyJ

I also think OP & husband should discuss boundaries/discipline.

Otherwise I see husband letting the children get away with too much, leaving OP needing to discipline more than necessary!

Happy Birthday OP!

(Won´t sing as I have a terrible voice!)