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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a SAHM to two DC under two is, in fact, not equivalent to a permanent holiday?

47 replies

NorktasticNinja · 22/10/2009 15:32

I'm a SAHM to DD, 23 months and DS 4 1/2 months. The house isalways clean and tidy (although littered with toys while DD is awake) and I cook a decent meal every evening. I also do all the household admin, properly. I do^ have a bit of a back-log of filing that built up while DS was a newborn, but nothing that cant be sorted given a couple of child free hours.

Someone very dear to me keeps telling me that what I do is 'nothing' and equivalent to a permanent holiday. I find it quite hurtful TBH.

I accept that I'm very lucky to be a SAHM and there are certainly harder jobs, but IMVHO/E it is hard work and can be extremely stressful at times.

Anyway, IABU to think that being a SAHM to two DC under two is, in fact, not equivalent to a permanent holiday and to disagree strongly when I'm told that it is?

OP posts:
shockers · 22/10/2009 15:37

YANBU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ellipsis · 22/10/2009 15:38

YANBU but I think you know that . Do you challenge him/her when s/he says it? What does s/he say?

NancyBotwin · 22/10/2009 15:39

I have a very old friend who regularly quizzes me on "what I do all day". I think he is genuinely concerned that I am wasting what's left of my brain, etc and might be bored

He & his partner have just had a new baby so I'm hoping the endless rounds of feeding & nappies are giving him some insight!

doingthelambethwalk · 22/10/2009 15:40

I would offer said person a chance to take this particular "holiday" for a week while you rough it on a tropical island instead.

Except I wouldn't, as I'd miss the kids.

You can't win. But YANBU!

curlyredhead · 22/10/2009 15:43

Yanbu

Is this person someone who you would feel happy leaving your children with? Perhaps a morning or day of doing what you do might help them to u derstand better? Even just the older one if they haven't got kids/ haven't looked after a toddler for a while, my mum is always knackered after an afternoon with my 4.5 year old let alone any time with my toddler twins...

thatsnotmymonster · 22/10/2009 15:45

YANBU!

I hope it's not your DP/DH who is saying that!

I think it's hard to equate being a SAHM to other jobs, because yes you do get to go out for coffee, meet up with friends etc BUT never without the dc! Sometimes it is more stressful doing these things than not doing them!

You are doing very well to cook a decent meal every night etc- before mine were 6mo I struggled to do this and even now (aged 4.5, 3.3 and 17mths) I am sometimes too tired to think about our meal- though there is always stuff in to eat/prepare.

There are definite advantages when compared to a normal job but the disadvantages are truly awful- if you are sick you still have to look after the dc, you never get a break/holiday/day off/weekend as these are all essentially the same as every other day, you can't go to the loo in peace, you don't get paid, you don't get much appreciation etc etc.

needtomoveon · 22/10/2009 15:47

YANBU

Give them a copy of "What Mothers Do" by Naomi Stadlen - it will be an eye opener for him and she might just be really grateful that someone is acknowledging just how bloody hard it is looking after small kids. My Dad has a similar view of childcare and always sympathises with H who has to go out to a real job . I have worked p/t evenings since DC1 was 6 mths so had kids all day and then worked while they were in bed.... also a picnic.

Marioandluigi · 22/10/2009 15:50

I had 2 DC's under 2 and I agree that it was nothing like a holiday, unless anyones Idea of a holiday is dealing with constant feeding, shitty nappies and screaming?

YANBU

MissWooWoo · 22/10/2009 15:50

Grrrrr! to people who say things like this ... they have no idea

Original poster
NorktasticNinja · 22/10/2009 15:50

OK, I've been doubting myself a bit on this one, needlessly it seems!

Said person is someone I'd be more than happy to leave the DC with, unfortunately he works very long hours so it's not an option. I'd love to just leave them with him and go away for a couple of days. No chance of that though.

I'll see if I can get a copy of the book needtomoveon mentioned.

OP posts:
NestaFiesta · 22/10/2009 15:51

YANBU. Whoever said that to you needs to walk in your shoes.I'm a pregnant SAHM and find it harder than any of my previous jobs put together. Its a 12 hour day at least and DS won't even let me go to toilet alone. All day you are negotiotaing, feeding, playing, teaching, cleaning, cooking, with no respite. Holidays and weekends offer no respite.

I love being a SAHM mum, but its very, very hard and you should make your critic do your job for a bit. Well done on keeping a decent house and cooking hot meals with TWO under 2s! Ignore ignorant people who have never had to do it. xx

iwouldgoouttonight · 22/10/2009 15:52

YANBU!

I am very impressed that your house is always clean and tidy and you cook a meal every evening, when I was on maternity leave I struggled with that! I work out of the home almost full time now and I think the weekends (when I look after the DCs while DP works) are much more stressful than going out to work!

Stigaloid · 22/10/2009 15:52

YANBU!

Annya · 22/10/2009 15:53

Of course you are not BU! Two kids under 2, phew! I can't imagine many more tiring jobs, not, I'm sure, that you'd have it any other way tho (well, maybe slightly longer naps, later rising, that sort of thing)

Original poster
NorktasticNinja · 22/10/2009 15:55

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to stop being a SAHM. I'd like to carry on staying with them until they are both at school.

More sleep would be fab though

OP posts:
Babieseverywhere · 22/10/2009 15:59

Holiday, my arse

I can count on one hand the number of hours 'off' I get monthly, especially sinceI my second child was born 14 months ago.

I thought things would get easier once my 3 year old DD started nursery part time. But to be honest walking back and forth to nursery four times a day plus the additional effort of getting out the house at 8:30am, I have no sooner dropped her off done something house related and it time to pick her up again. I am so tired and I have no time for myself.

Plus my co-sleeping DS won't settle without me, so bedtime is now 8pm most nights.

I recently had the flu and had to beg my husband to come home early to help me, no sick time for the SAHM or real holidays.

Babieseverywhere · 22/10/2009 16:01

I should add I am still happy to be a SAHM but it is the hardest 'job' I have ever done Best cuddles though

ChilloHippi · 22/10/2009 16:03

YANBU.

Wonderstuff · 22/10/2009 16:06

YANBU - I work a three day week and am sick to the back teeth of people telling me how lucky I am to have a 'long weekend' er no actually working full-time would be (was) easier

Grendle · 22/10/2009 16:07

YANBU!!

Almost as annoying as the concept that if you are a SAHM then you "don't work". Yes, I may not necessarily be in paid employment, but I bloody well do work, and do you know what -if I did go out to do a paid job, someone else would have to be paid to do the stuff a SAHM does. Grrrr.

Actually, I do have a paid job... I just forget sometimes, as it's not regular and is so much of a breeze compared with looking after sproglets.

No maternity leave for the SAHM either, it's work until you drop .

mylovelymonster · 22/10/2009 16:11

You're friend works long hours - ok. And you do - 24/7! Honestly, I find going to work relaxing in comparison to looking after my young daughter - and all the mums I know say the same. It is very hard work and you sound like an absolute domestic goddess to me.

TanteRose · 22/10/2009 16:16

OMG, I had 2 under two, and I think I've blanked out the first six months...can't remember much of it at all. It was just mad and exhausting and full-on...it WAS fun though (vague memories..)
YANBU - the person should deffo have your toddler for an afternoon to see how much of a holiday it is

nigelslaterfan · 22/10/2009 16:23

YANBU!
But I am a SAHM with a one year old and an 8 year old at school. I get the impression everyone thinks my life is a long coffee morning. Wheras I'm constantly overwhelmed with the house, laundry, cleaning, paperwork, ds's activities, and just the responsibility for everything.

dh comes home late, we all go to collect him most nights form the station around 7 pm. I have no family for over 60 miles and can't justify childcare or cleaning. I think I'm just disorganised. Other women seem to get so much done in their spare time. I never go on here any more because dh thinks I used to waste so much time. I'd rather be at work honestly but what I earn would barely cover the childcare.

My neighbour this morning asked me 'When are you going back after maternity leave?" Well I'd love to have a job to go back to but I was freelance and had no rights. Why isn't what I do considered work?

Sorry for highjacking, I've spent the whole day feeling miserable about it and couldn't sleep last night for fear of never working again! big sigh.

curlyredhead · 22/10/2009 16:25

Is this your dh/dp? Seriously, you need to leave him to it iwth the kids once in a while. Just tell him that oyu are going out on Saturday morning, get up, and do it. And don't prep anything for him, no sorting out meals and so on.

Grrrr. Am pissed off on your behalf.

thenameiwantedwastaken · 22/10/2009 16:37

YANBU at all! I am amazed at you being able to look after 2 DC, and do housework, cooking and household admin. I have just one DD (5 months) and struggle to do anything except make sure we are both fed and dressed!

Not only is it not equivalent to a holiday, it is much more than a full time job. Did you ever have a job that meant this much to you and that was this important? Did you ever have a job before that was actually 24/7 with no holidays ever? Did you ever have a job where the person spec asked for skills in heavy lifting, good singing voice, toddler negotiation skills, eyes in the back of your head, strategic project management required to potty train, ability to clean up bodily fluids with cheery attitude and pad £0 p/a?

YANBU.