Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think all those people who want to have a christmas with just "our little family" are a bit mad?

116 replies

BlingLoving · 22/10/2009 12:26

I know, I'm going to get slated for this. But honestly, I read on MN all the time about people wanting to be with just DH and DC and it actually breaks my heart. Both DH and I come from a world where it's assumed that if you are physically close to your family at Christmas time, you spend it with them - even embarassing old great uncles because everyone is welcome. At my parents' house we practically had an open house policy and I love the fact that even now, we never spend a christmas without extended family and friends and at least one or two "strays" who don't have anywere else to go so someone invites them to come to us. That's what Christmas is about for me.

Why would you want to ditch your parents? You want to spend it with your children, can't you see that they'd want to spend Christmas with their children too? And isn't half the fun of Christmas the fact that it's so over the top and crazy? If it's just a day at home with you and the children, how is that different to any other day?

Obviously, I'm assuming fairly "normal" familial relationships here and am not suggesting that in cases of truly awful relationships/abuse etc etc that anyone should feel obliged to spend it with family.

OP posts:

pruneplus2 · 22/10/2009 14:12

I really hate Christmas. I've done the lot over the years - huge gatherings, quiet ones, visiting, being visited. Hate it.

Thankfully I am working all over Christmas and New Year this year.

KayHarkerIsKayHarker · 22/10/2009 14:13

yabu, I'm afraid.

It would be nice to have everyone here, but my Dh has a brother, and PILs are going down to be with them. I'd love to have everyone here, but we have a largeish amount of children and great-grandparents find it all a bit much.

AvonBarksdale · 22/10/2009 14:14

This thread is making me a bit sad. I'd love a great big family Christmas but my family doesn't work like that. We'll be having a very low key one with our 2dds (they'll be 22mo and 4mo). Each to their own.

ATortoiseisBetterThanABlackCat · 22/10/2009 14:15

Only read OP.

I would dearly love to spend Christmas with my parents and my Brothers and sister but my parents decided they were going to move 100s of miles away to Turkey! My youngest Brother was 11 when they left so he lives out their too.
As for my sister, she doesn't want to know me because my XP was abusive and hit my DS. Why i am totally to blame for that i don't know!

So Christmas will be in our house with my DC and my other Brother. And we will have a great day as we have done for the last few years!

flybynight · 22/10/2009 14:16

I love the idea of a large and jolly Christmas but all our family is at least 4 hours away. Transporting three children and all their (hidden) gifts up to Scotland is difficult. Getting them back again takes until Easter.

Plus, when we stay put and travel up on Boxing Day, the children stay calm and appreciative. Christmas morning is joy. My MIL buys them more presents that we do and they turn into greedy, paper-ripping automatons.

So on reflection, I'm quite happy with our mad arrangements.

Emprexia · 22/10/2009 14:17

I happen to agree with the OP.. and have been butting heads with DH over it since we had DS three years ago.

He wants a 'small family christmas' here at home, just the four of us.. i dont, i want to spend it with my parents and brother/sil/niece and grandmother...

There is nothing special about staring at the same four walls and the same three people you do every morning.

Xmas at my parents is very traditional and beautiful and i want to enjoy it and i want my kids to enjoy it and have that same magic i did growing up.

DH is boring and doesnt want to get up and do anything, he has to at my parents.

The argument is already brewing, i've won every year so far, i've a feeling i'll win this year but have to concede xmas 2010.

THe thought of an xmas day without my family horrifies me and i wish he'd understand that.
(and before anyone asks, he doesnt have family who care about xmas)

BonsoirAnna · 22/10/2009 14:18

Agree with OP.

This Christmas my parents are coming to stay from England for five days; my sister and her family will be staying at their French country house and will come to us for Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve, we will invite my POLs over and my sister will invite her POLs to her house.

So all grandparents will see all grandchildren and parents will do all the work, which is just how it should be .

Inghouls2 · 22/10/2009 14:21

YABtotallyU
Yes... lucky old you, you can have a wonderful Xmas with all your extended family.
We however have had the shittest of shit years, we've got little money and even less xmas spirit and quite frankly am looking forward to spending my first xmas in nearly a decade not running around pandering after extended family.
Now run along with your xmas smugness

Hullygully · 22/10/2009 14:21

There should have been a rider in the OP that the families actually like each other and get on..

LackingNicknameInspiration · 22/10/2009 14:24

Think it depends what sort of a year you've had! I generally love family Christmases, as we don't get a chance to meet up very often - last year was the first time for over 5 years that me, my brother and sister were able to go to our parents' house (we live 300 miles from parents, my sis is 400 from them, 100 from us, and my brother is MILES away in Hong Kong and that was his first UK Christmas for years) and DD was 1, so we had a lovely time. It was chaos in a nice way, but even with my parents still having a 4-bed house, it was a real squeeze logistically to get 7 adults and a toddler in their house, through the bathroom etc and I did rather miss my own room and toddler having own room! And this is quite a common scenario nowadays - if you live far away from family and all descend at the same time, you're going to need to stay somewhere and for quite some time - and by the time you've packed car with normal stuff, Christmas pressies etc and negotiated the traffic, it can make quite a tiring time. Rather hard work if you only have 2-3 days off at Christmas.

This year, DC2 is due end Nov, so we're spending Christmas at home - we thought about going to DH's parents (a mere 100 miles away...) but his sister, her partner and new baby will be there and we just thought it would be too much, not least as no idea when DC2 will actually turn up. Part of me is sad about our two missing out on seeing their grandparents on Christmas Day, but we'll go up afterwards to both sets and take our time over it - otherwise I'd be loading the car on my own with 2 small children and meeting DH up there. And, TBH, even if DC2 had been born earlier in the year, I'd still think twice about it as it's a long old journey for 2 small children. And,actually, it will be nice for us to have the time together - like so many people, DH works very long hours, so a good few days together will be lovely. Although we are seeing friends for drinks Christmas morning.

So, yes, I think YABU - or rather, showing rather a lack of empathy with other people. If you live near to parents/all have room to stay, then that's great, but it takes quite a bit more effort where long journeys are involved and a lot of people.

pigletmania · 22/10/2009 14:28

I would love a big christmas if it was not at my house

Tortington · 22/10/2009 14:29

my widowed mum and widowed nan came to ours every year since i was married - dh cooked ( which meant he didn't have to do small talk and could be praised)

then, we moved 300 miles away and for 7 years we had xmas on our own and the RELIEF! we didn't have to have dinner done at a certain time, get up at a certain time, tell the kids to get dressed and look nice - didn't have to go pick people up and drop people off and not drink

the whole thing was just fantastic.

now bil has moved near and its xmas at their house this year.

no not looking fwd to it. Having to go along with the assumption that their 7 yr old has the universe revolve around him - no actually i don't give a shit what level you are on at football on your consol systems,

me -i want to drink vodka - get pissed and play some daft as shit board game until the wee hours.

1dilemma · 22/10/2009 14:38

Bling I think you've hit the nail on the head it's frequently about people not wanting to spend the day with nasty people who can't hide the fact that they hate them or who make unreasonable demands not about people having a full house of extended family wiht gaity, jollity, fun laughter and mayhem (or however you describe it)

Stigaloid · 22/10/2009 14:42

My mother lives 40 mins away and barely gets in touch or visits. I have said to her on numerous occasions 'if you ever want to spend time with us/spend time with DS (her only GC)/take him to a farm/out for the day/be in our company you are always welcome' Everytime i ask if she wants to meet up she is busy with her own thing. She doesn't make the effort throughout the year so no, on Christmas day it is me, DH and DS (and this year will be DD when she is born). If she can't make the effort for the other 363/4 days of the year, she doesn't get our special day as it just brings tension and makes it all a whole lot less fun.

Fennel · 22/10/2009 14:52

YABU

I love spending time with people I like, the more the merrier. And don't mind if it's just my household either, that's fine.

But spending time, especially fraught Christmas time, with my extended family makes me want to throw myself off a bridge. Which dents the festive spirit rather. And I don't think my family is that abnormal/dysfunctional. We just don't get on, as a family.

pigletmania · 22/10/2009 14:57

Exactly, YABU you have this 'rose tinted' image of christmas and your Christmases sound like that, but its not like that for everybody and you should understand that. People may not always dont get on, there may be tension so someties its nice to have a small one.

twolittlemonkeys · 22/10/2009 15:02

I see your point BL and I do love family get-togethers, even with the inlaws. My family are happy to go with the flow and know we will see them at some point over Christmas, but DH's brothers & their families are considerably better off than us and alarmingly insensitive when it comes to the issue of presents - they spend a fortune £200-300 I reckon on each child (we spend £20-30 on each of our boys) and refuse to give their kids the majority of their presents at home so my children then spend Christmas day watching their cousins open a mountain of presents or a few expensive things, whilst they get a small toy plus a couple of books! I know they will have to learn to accept the fact that other children have stuff that we can't afford, but I see no need for them to have their noses rubbed in it on Christmas day.

Plus I like the idea of forming our own Christmas traditions rather than just doing things 'the way they've always been done' in DH's family.

wheredidiputit · 22/10/2009 15:03

I think it how you had christmases growing up dictates how you want to spend christmas with your family.

We have christmas day at home with my mum (who lives around the corner) who comes around whenever she wants.

We go to dh parents om boxing day. We go to the il's when dh wants to go normally about 12pm and are home by 7pm. And those few hours are the most stressful of the whole of christmas.

Presents out but children not allowed to touch until after dinner and 'pots' done. Why they expect a 2.4yrs to understand that she cannot touch the presents and that she has to sit at the table for 1 1/2 for dinner. Then you have the consistant snipes at dh from his mother, sister and brother.

So no i don't think that they should ruin our christmas day.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 22/10/2009 15:15

"There should have been a rider in the OP that the families actually like each other and get on.. " - there was actually.

Also, to clarify, for me, Christmas isn't necessarily just the actual day - it's that period that can include Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day. And of course, this all assumes you're relatively close physically (which again, was in my OP).

For those who asked about us - we live far away from most of our families but still manage to have a "family" christmas of one sort or another, as well as random strangers. Last year we spent it with my family and my brother's in laws somewhere else which was lovely and this year we're very lucky to be spending it with both our families - on Christmas Day his mum and brother will be at my parents, but on Christmas Eve we'll probably just be with DH's extended family, including his dad (even though his parents are divorced). The year before we were at ours with siblings who were nearby and a couple of stray friends. We also did a "different branch of the family" christmas a few days before.

'Twas all lovely. [if sometimes stressful and DH and I did nearly come to blow over his insistence on putting empty used glasses in my very small kitchen! ]

OP posts:

Hulababy · 22/10/2009 15:17

AIBU to think that anyone who thinks other people are "mad" just because they do something different to them is a bit "mad"?

kickassangel · 22/10/2009 15:21

dh works v long hours & doesn't often get a chance to just sit around, eat loads, watch tv etc. so for him it's a treat to do those things.

for me it's a treat to see everyone & have the big, loud family christmas.

so we take turns doing different things each year.

stealthsquiggle · 22/10/2009 15:24

Absolutely, Hulababy

NigellaTufnel · 22/10/2009 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ewe · 22/10/2009 15:35

I love having a big family Christmas. We go to my Mum's on Christmas Day, all my grandparents are there, my aunt, my sister, my brother. On Boxing Day we all go over to my other aunts house and see all cousins extended family etc and then it is up to the ILs for a few days.

For me the worst bit about being just us at home would be the fact that I would need to cook!

Litchick · 22/10/2009 15:44

Everyone always comes to us because we have the most room.
I like xmas day, but everyone stays until 27th and that can get a bit much.
Wish we all lived a bit closer so we could have a big dinner but then a quiet evening if that makes sense.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5