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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate 'respect has to be earned'

26 replies

addictedtosuckingblood · 22/10/2009 10:40

it drives me crazy, i was bought up to believe that you respected your elders and peers, unless they did something to loose the respect.

but now a days more and more kids seem to think that respect has to be first earned - like in the case of the school children being asked to stand when the head walks in, the father said - he hasnt been at the school long enough to earn their respect.

he their teacher ffs, they should respect him regardless.

grrrr - rant over.

so give it to me stright aibu?

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 22/10/2009 10:42

No respect is given to everyone, not just elders, unless someone does something to lose that respect.

YANBU.

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite · 22/10/2009 10:43

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable, respect is something that should be given right away until someone is deemed unworthy. I agree with you on this one.

LetThereBeRock · 22/10/2009 10:44

YANBU.Though I think that respect is for everyone not just authority figures and those elder than you.

lou031205 · 22/10/2009 10:44

YAB(a bit)U.

Obedience and regard for authority is something that should be given from the word go. But respect is something altogether different.

I did not respect my head teacher, who used to shout at pupils from the stage in assembly for wearing a little lip gloss, when she herself had huge quantities of makeup on. She didn't lead by example. In any way.

Pinkjenny · 22/10/2009 10:45

YANBU

TheMightyToosh · 22/10/2009 10:45

YANBU - I agree, everyone deserves our respect unless they do something or have already done something to lose it.

I don't even think it is limited to elders and peers - I think children also deserve my respect, and so do animals, and they are neither peers or elders.

The school head issue you mentioned sounds ridiculous to me. I haven't seen the original story, but it sounds like the parent is setting a pretty bad example by taking that stance on such a fundamental issue.

cory · 22/10/2009 10:51

I think respect can mean different things:

a) manners

b( believing somebody has to be right/cannot be questioned because they are in a position of authority

I am all for a), not much for b)

What this case is all about is basic good manners. You stand up when a visitor enters the room, just like you hold the door open for somebody who is carrying something or offer your seat on the bus to a pregnant woman: it's got nothing to do with your assessment of their personality, and everything to do with your own social skills. I want my children to do this kind of respect if the heavens fall.

The other kind of respect- refusing to question somebody in authority is not something I want them to do or something I want my students to do towards me. I did not like it when dd stood by and let a school friend be wrongly accused of something because she'd get into trouble if she questioned the teacher. I do not like it when dd's friends tell her she can't possibly query a homework question that is obviously wrong, "because you'll get into trouble". I hate it when my students can't be bothered to question my statements.

To sum up, my students don't need to respect me as an individual: I may or may not be worthy of individual respect.

BUT they do need to respect humanity as represented by my person, by observing basic social codes.

They can question my judgment- but not with their feet on their table

Original poster
addictedtosuckingblood · 22/10/2009 10:56

thats my point lou, she lost your respect by making you feel that she didnt leed by example.

surley when she started at the school - or when she joined the school, you had respect for her? before you saw her shouting?

OP posts:
Stayingscarygirl · 22/10/2009 10:57

I would say that standing when the Headteacher enters a classroom is showing respect to the role rather than to the person - ie, a headteacher is normally someone with plenty of experience and knowledge, picked to be in charge of the whole school - and that role deserves respect.

However, an individual Headteacher can show themselves either worthy or unworthy of that respect by their behaviour and the way they do their job and interact with parents, pupils and staff.

I also agree with Cory that respect is not the same thing as fear of getting into trouble for questioning authority.

Emprexia · 22/10/2009 11:01

YABU.

It is one thing to be 'respectful' its totally something else to hold someone in 'respect'

Respect for a person should be earned, not demanded or expected.

I can be perfectly polite to an elderly gentleman, but i'm not going to take "you should respect me because i'm your elder" while they're swearing and being rude to me.

Stigaloid · 22/10/2009 11:02

I think everyone should be respectful of each other. To earnit is stupid - it should be a given from the outset.

I do however think that starting at a new school - introducing a new draconian rule whereby pupil's classes are disrupted when someone enters the room so that people can stand to acknowledge their presence is ridiculous and smacks of egoismm of the highest order. The headmaster is not the Queen FGS. Sending a student home for not standing is stupid and affects his academia for no good reason. Demanding that staff be addressed politely as Sir or Madam/Miss and talked to politely is a better rule than standing to attention when an egoist enters the room.

Original poster
addictedtosuckingblood · 22/10/2009 11:06

i see what your saying unexpected, so how would some one earn respect?

(its a genuine question, not snotty or nasty, i'm actually really intrested in other peoples points of view)

OP posts:
Original poster
addictedtosuckingblood · 22/10/2009 11:11

i dont agree with the standing when entering the class room, and i agree that sending the kid home and suspending was a little ott, however i find the attitude odd, as it was not what i was bought up with.

and i dont agree with not questioning someone in authoritory, i feel that peoiple like head teachers should have the same respect for their students as the students have for the teachers, so a mutual respect.

yea i know in my head the world would be a perfect place!

OP posts:
Original poster
addictedtosuckingblood · 22/10/2009 11:11

i dont agree with the standing when entering the class room, and i agree that sending the kid home and suspending was a little ott, however i find the attitude odd, as it was not what i was bought up with.

and i dont agree with not questioning someone in authoritory, i feel that peoiple like head teachers should have the same respect for their students as the students have for the teachers, so a mutual respect.

yea i know in my head the world would be a perfect place!

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 22/10/2009 11:13

YANBU - agree with ShinyAndNew.

cory · 22/10/2009 11:18

I don't think it even has to be about respecting the role: I would like to see my children showing an equally respectful behaviour towards the cleaner.

Emprexia · 22/10/2009 11:30

in my eyes, respect is earned through being polite, honest and fair in all your dealings with me and other people no matter who they are, where they come from, how much they earn....etc

FlamingoBingo · 22/10/2009 11:31

YANBU and YABU.

Respect ought to be given to everyone until they lose it. But it shouldn't be given to older people just because they're older, but because they are fellow human beings. A 3yo is just as deserving of respect as an 80yo IMO.

OrmIrian · 22/10/2009 11:32

I totally agree. The default setting should be to respect others. The alternative view is that you treat everyone with disrespect until they do something to earn the opposite. Which is crazy.

echt · 22/10/2009 12:05

Coming at this from the teacher's perspective; it is still disturbingly the trend that we should earn the pupils' respect, while we must give it unconditionally to them.

As I never tire of pointing out to my pupils, I merely require the appearance of respect, not the thing itself. Once they figure out that this means actually behaving in a respectful manner, no matter what they actually think, they're quite peeved. Then I point out that this is what I accord them. Then they're really peeved.

Essentially it's about decent behaviour on both sides, during which time genuine respect and esteem can emerge.
Good manners is another name.

Monsterspam · 22/10/2009 12:07

YANBU, a lot of children are not brought up to respect any authority figures, it's a different matter if you get to know that person and they don't deserve your respect.

pooexplosions · 22/10/2009 12:20

I don't see why a teacher should lead by example on such things as make up...she is an adult, they are children, what is appropriate for adults is not appropriate for children. I can tell my DC's they aren't allowed drink beer while sipping a large G&T, for example! You can tell schoolgirls not to wear lipgloss while being caked in 17 layers of maxfactor, and they should be able to learn the difference.

JodieO · 22/10/2009 12:25

I agree with Cory.

twirlymum · 22/10/2009 12:38

Apparently the dad in this case told his son to 'kick the headteacher in the balls'. When questioned, the dad admitted he did say that.
The sister was also sent home for wearing too much make up. The dad's response?
'she won't go to the wheelie bin without full make up on'

Original poster
addictedtosuckingblood · 22/10/2009 12:40

i think that everyone should respect eachother i was juyst using the head teacher as an example.

i feel that adults should respect teen agers, toddlers, etc as children should respect cleaners, mcdonalds workers, teachers etc

i just dont understand why people - especially teens feel that every one should automaticly respect them whilst whkilst others have to earn their respect.

OP posts:
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