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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

more of a "who's right"? (its me though, isn't it? ;o)

40 replies

pooexplosions · 21/10/2009 22:24

OK! MN Jury duty here...Whats the right thing to do here?

You are renovating your kitchen and taking out all the old cabinets. You think they are awful, but your neighbour mentions they like them and are looking for more to extend their kitchen (exactly the same as yours in style and shape). You offer neighbour whatever they want from yours when removed, they offer to pay you, you say no need. Builders remove them and neighbour takes most of the cabinets, again offers you money, you say no need, we are throwing them out anyway.
Couple of months later neighbour puts thank you card through your door with money inside, card says you saved them a fortune and enclosed is a gift of cash (roughly 15%ish) of what they saved, but to you its really a lot of money.

Your OH says you should give it back as it wasn't necessary and its too much money to accept. You want to keep it, a) because you could really do with the money, b) it would be embarassing to give it back and c) you insisted at the time there was no need, so they must really want to.

So, who is right?

OP posts:
RubyrubyrubysAScaryOldBint · 21/10/2009 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 21/10/2009 22:27

You are. Your OH needs to look at it from their point of view as well - if they don't pay anything, then they're accepting your charity and will always feel beholden to you - and some people are very proud about that sort of thing.

colditz · 21/10/2009 22:27

If you give it back they will be insulted

SoWhat · 21/10/2009 22:27

I would keep it.

largeginandtonic · 21/10/2009 22:29

keep it

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 22:30

My pal's remark would be 'Gracious, humble acceptance'. On this I think she would be right. You've said there was no need for payment and meant it, you offered a kindness for which the neighbours are clearly grateful, they sound like lovely people... and you have saved them money.

I think the polite and thoughtful thing to do would be to accept it with thanks and the obvious surprise that you have. If I was your neighour I'd have done the same and felt guilty and embarrassed if you handed the money back.

Lucky you to have such nice neighbours - and lucky them for the same.

ChilloHippi · 21/10/2009 22:30

Keep it. YOu made it clear that you didn't want paying in the first place, but they must be so pleased and so grateful.

TrillianSlasher · 21/10/2009 22:32

Keep it. They will be upset/insulted if you give it back.

They have the cabinets they want at a ssving of 85%, you have given them something you didn't want/need. You both win.

salbysea · 21/10/2009 22:33

they may actually have pride issues

there is a good chance that you will be making them feel better by accepting it and if you returned it they might feel insulted/embarrassed

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 21/10/2009 22:33

How wonderful! Keep the money, if you feel in any way awkward, invite them round to dinner!

Nice one, just in time for Christmas too!!

FlamingoBingo · 21/10/2009 22:34

Keep it. It would be the height of rudeness to give it back! What an insult to them!

If your DH feels that strongly about you having the money, then thank them graciously and then give it to charity. But don't tell them and don't give it back - please!

nighbynight · 21/10/2009 22:34

Keep it, and thank them with a big smile!

diddl · 21/10/2009 22:37

You can´t give it back.

If you don´t want/need it, give it to charity.

anonymous85 · 21/10/2009 22:38

I'd say keep it, you've instisted so many times and they really must want to, probably makes them feel better?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 21/10/2009 22:39

You should keep it. Not because you need it, but because they clearly wanted to give it. They were happy to pay for the units, they wanted them and would have paid for new ones, you have done them a favour.

As they asked twice and you refused twice it will be clear to them that you did not expect money for them. However, your DH should accept that as you have refused twice and they have given you money anyway, they clearly feel uncomfortable with having them for free.

I would be gracious, say you didn't expect it but thank you.

edam · 21/10/2009 22:39

You are right, dh is wrong, neighbours are lovely (and so are you).

MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe · 21/10/2009 22:41

Keep it. They are obviously very determined to give you a gift and it would be churlish to hand it back. If you feel awkward (and your children are the right age) you could say that you'll put it in their child trust fund.

Twintummy · 21/10/2009 22:44

Keep it and send it on the DC's for christmas!

LauraIngallsWilder · 21/10/2009 22:46

Keep it

VicarInaBooTu · 21/10/2009 22:50

id thank them profusely, buy them some flowers and keep the money!

Ronaldinhio · 21/10/2009 22:52

keep it..how lovely

KristinaM · 21/10/2009 22:53

you are right. you were right to say no originally, but now they have sent a gift it would be rude to return it

as other poster says, send a note saying you will spend it on the kids at Christmas

you are very wise to stay on excellent terms with your neighbours

Poledra · 21/10/2009 22:55

Keep it, and bask in the warm glow of having a great relationship with your neighbours - always a good thing to have IMHO.

SlartyBartFast · 21/10/2009 23:00

it woudl definitely make them feel better to know that they had paid you for the cupboards, easier to accept freebies from strangers than neighbours.

mylovelymonster · 21/10/2009 23:08

Keep it - is obviously a form of warm thankyou for them getting their extended kitchen very economically, which I imagine means a lot. Perhaps they wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise. It was lovely of you to refuse at the time, but they've obviously considered it a great deal over the intervening time and want to contribute something to you in return.
Write them a warm thankyou note and leave it at that.
Good for you!