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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it wrong for a 14 yo to be left alone for a week....

120 replies

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 22:09

... while the Mum goes on holiday abroad?

Background -

My DD1 (14) has fairly recently become friends with 'Jane', a class-mate. Nice kid, friendly and polite, but thats all I really know of her.

The night before last DD tells me that Jane's Mum has gone on a foreign holiday and that since last weekend Jane has been alone at home. The parents are divorced and Dad lives in a town about half an hour away from Jane and her Mum.... but she's okay because their (20s male student) lodger is sometimes about in the house. Like Jane is his responsibility ffs! As I understand it there's no arrangement with said lodger to care for Jane.

Tonight I learn that Mum has been ringing Jane daily asking her to lie to Mums firm and say Mum is absent from work ill. Jane has been, I'm told, terribly upset about this and feeling very awkward answering the phone to the Mums firm, who are calling regularly. Then there was a comment that Jane had no food left in the house (turns out she had nothing but a pack of rolls), that she had 'taken 4 tablets one after another', but no-one knows what they were and that Dad had been on the scene briefly and left her £4 (no thats not a typo!), but can't take Jane to his as he has to work!

Needless to say I got DD to call Jane and she went straight round to meet her and bring her back to my house to stay. Poor kid is lovely, must have been scared shitless alone like that and hungry and will stay here til her !!!! of a mother returns home on Sunday.

I'm NOT being unreasonable in being shocked - I am a hard-hearted beggar but I was in tears as I told DD to go fetch Jane tonight.

I probably would be VERY unreasonable if I slapped both parents and in jail so thank god its not in my nature to do such a thing.

But am I being unreasonable to take this further - and if so with whom? I don't know either parent, I don't want to upset Jane by causing trouble and I don't want DD to be in the middle, ostracised at school for anything I do or say, lose Jane's friendship or DDs trust in me. I've spoken out to school and risked DD being caught up in it all when she told me that a girl in class was bringing pot into school and I got flamed for that here, btw!

What, if anything, do I do, apart from feed and care for this lovely kid until Sunday? I don't want her life to be made misery, I'm trying not to be 'judgey' but I feel so responsible and concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vallhala · 24/10/2009 21:50

Solid, rest assured I HAVEN'T tried to force Jane's confidence in the slightest, nor would I. I certainly don't feel I'm entitled to know and am sorry if I gave you that impression, I feel far from it in fact. Apart from it being for her sake, tbh, I don't want to know - its a matter for the parents and the professionals to discuss and sort out and as I'm neither all I want to do is return her to a parent who will be there and take care of her.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 25/10/2009 10:40

what a sad story

well done vallhala for taking jane in

very upsetting that her mum buggered off away for a week and left her without money/food and with a male lodger

even worse is that the dad didnt give a flying fuck

be interesting to see what mum does when she comes home today to find that her dd isnt home

does she know jane is staying with you?would her ex dh told her?

fifitot · 25/10/2009 10:53

I am totally amazed by some of the threads on here. How some people think they can assess a situation on the basis of a post and advise another mumsnet poster NOT to do what is in fact, the right thing, and report someone to the appropriate authorities for abandoning their child.

Social services DO get a bad press and I don't want to start another debate on this but THEY are qualified to decide what the options are with regard to issues related to children, not people on this board.

This is a serious issue.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) advises that:

children under the age of thirteen are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
children under the age of sixteen should not be left alone overnight
babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone

Turn the other cheek in case you upset the mum appears to be an overwhelming view. Words fail me.

OP - btw, I am not getting at you, you have done the right thing but would advise you contact the appropriate authorities. If you feel better doing that via the school then so be it.

fifitot · 25/10/2009 10:57

Sorry you have gone to the school, missed that post.

SlartyBartFast · 25/10/2009 11:03

go to school, imo, never mind the mother's feelings.
they can make the judgement.

how would you feel if you turnd a blind eye and she did it again, or worse.

never fear the ss, they dont just take children into care willynilly, where do people get that idea from?

they are to help and family,

onagar · 25/10/2009 11:34

I was working at 15 and left home shortly after.

The way many kids are being brought up now you may need to be with them at 14 to hold their hand while they cross the road and tie their laces, but it obviously depends on how good their parents are.

onagar · 25/10/2009 11:44

Btw, there's another thread on here saying that reporting someone for something (to do with kids) is worth doing even if you don't have proof. They claim that the accusations are added up and are in any case passed on with an enhanced CRB check to make sure that even someone just 'accused' doesn't get to work with kids.

Now I think they are making it up. I hope they are. But might be worth checking because if each report for neglect stays on your record that could be serious.

SlartyBartFast · 25/10/2009 11:47

just read whole, or nearly whole thread
school informed.
messy business unfolding generlaly.

witcheseve · 25/10/2009 11:53

The NSPCC website does say not to leave a child overnight under 16. I have tried to follow this advice but admit that I stayed a few miles away recently overnight and DD stayed on her own. If a child is very mature and responsible it's hard to persuade them that they need overnight supervision, especially when they read that they can leave home/get married at 16.

I wouldn't, of course, go away for a week and leave her.

cory · 25/10/2009 11:56

I am all for independent teenagers, but this girl, from what I understand, was left without sufficient food and with instructions to lie to her Mum's firm who kept calling regularly. This isn't independence on any level that makes sense: it is sheer neglect.

skihorse · 26/10/2009 10:41

Well done Valhalla.

I totally agree with cory, there is an enormous gulf between an independent young adult and girl who's just been abandoned because nobody gives a damn. YA in these situations will often appear to be independent - simply because they have to be - nobody else is looking after them.

Was I an "independent" 13 year old because I bought my own food and prepared my own meals - or, was it because nobody was raising me?

GrapefruitMoon · 30/10/2009 12:37

Valhalla, I was following this last week (but didn't post) - has the mother got back yet?

Original poster
Vallhala · 30/10/2009 12:47

She came back on Friday Grapefruitmoon but didn't ring her daughter until Sunday night.

This is the follow-up:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2724/849162-to-be-angry-and-think-this-man-is-taking-the

OP posts:
Fibilou · 30/10/2009 12:49

Without a hesitation in my mind that needs to be reported, preferably to the police. Don't bother with phoning social services immediately as they don't deal with stuff that quickly.
It will get passed to an officer in child protection who may well already have a file on the family.
There is no way I could not do something about it. No 14 year old should be left to fend for themselves for a week and from what you've said she doesn't seem to be managing that well.

GrapefruitMoon · 30/10/2009 12:51

Link isn't working but am that she didn't come to get her dd immediately.... definitely sounds like there are some "issues" there...

Original poster
Vallhala · 30/10/2009 12:55

Done and dusted now Fibilou, this happened last week. SS have been informed by the school, the girl is back with one or other of the parents and its now down to SS to deal with.

I'm pretty sure that she will continue to be left overnight whilst whichever parent she is supposed to be with is at work, but if so theres nothing I can do - as I said, its down to the authorities to ascertain where she is and who she is with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vallhala · 30/10/2009 12:57

Fibilou,try this

OP posts:
Original poster
Vallhala · 30/10/2009 12:59

Sorry, that should have been addressed o Grapefruit, but either way it links to the follow-up (and it works, I just clicked on it!).

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 30/10/2009 13:01

Yes I found the thread myself anyway - all I can say is you were very restrained (but probably correct) not to give either parent a piece of your mind. Unbelievable behaviour from both of them...

Fibilou · 30/10/2009 14:03

I realised Valhalla, after I had posted ! Glad it has all been sorted, hopefully with Jane's best interests at heart.

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