To think it wrong for a 14 yo to be left alone for a week....

[Vallhala]

... while the Mum goes on holiday abroad?

Background -

My DD1 (14) has fairly recently become friends with 'Jane', a class-mate. Nice kid, friendly and polite, but thats all I really know of her.

The night before last DD tells me that Jane's Mum has gone on a foreign holiday and that since last weekend Jane has been alone at home. The parents are divorced and Dad lives in a town about half an hour away from Jane and her Mum.... but she's okay because their (20s male student) lodger is sometimes about in the house. Like Jane is his responsibility ffs! As I understand it there's no arrangement with said lodger to care for Jane.

Tonight I learn that Mum has been ringing Jane daily asking her to lie to Mums firm and say Mum is absent from work ill. Jane has been, I'm told, terribly upset about this and feeling very awkward answering the phone to the Mums firm, who are calling regularly. Then there was a comment that Jane had no food left in the house (turns out she had nothing but a pack of rolls), that she had 'taken 4 tablets one after another', but no-one knows what they were and that Dad had been on the scene briefly and left her £4 (no thats not a typo!), but can't take Jane to his as he has to work!

Needless to say I got DD to call Jane and she went straight round to meet her and bring her back to my house to stay. Poor kid is lovely, must have been scared shitless alone like that and hungry and will stay here til her !!!! of a mother returns home on Sunday.

I'm NOT being unreasonable in being shocked - I am a hard-hearted beggar but I was in tears as I told DD to go fetch Jane tonight.

I probably would be VERY unreasonable if I slapped both parents and in jail so thank god its not in my nature to do such a thing.

But am I being unreasonable to take this further - and if so with whom? I don't know either parent, I don't want to upset Jane by causing trouble and I don't want DD to be in the middle, ostracised at school for anything I do or say, lose Jane's friendship or DDs trust in me. I've spoken out to school and risked DD being caught up in it all when she told me that a girl in class was bringing pot into school and I got flamed for that here, btw!

What, if anything, do I do, apart from feed and care for this lovely kid until Sunday? I don't want her life to be made misery, I'm trying not to be 'judgey' but I feel so responsible and concerned.

Hmm. Many decades years ago, when I was 14, I had a friend in a sort of similar situation.

She confided to me at school that her Dad (no Mum around) had, in an alcohol fuelled rage, chucked her out of home then buggered off himself.

We were both 14 and I knew it wasnt right so I told my friend to tell a teacher and I would help in any way I could.

Long story short, she ended up living with us for 2 weeks until emergency care placement was set up. Turns out there was a long history of abuse within the family

She is now happily married with children and frequently writes to me - always ending in thank you so much for what you did all those years ago.

I think what I am getting at is that maybe your daughter and her friend could approach a trusted teacher at school.

Skihorse . I do think that the facts need to be established and I'm please that the OP has taken others advice to speak to the dad and find out just who was supposed to be looking after Jane.

I went away for the night a few months ago and made arrangements for DD to stay with at a friends. She kicked off in my absence and tried to pretend she was staying at a differents friends house so she could stay at home alone.

hi witcheseve I wasn't having a go at all, I just think that if "Jane" is in a similar position to the one I found myself in - it might be hard for her to articulate that she feels abandoned...

It's not easy for a 14 year old to be able to say "My parents have left me, I'm only 14 and it hurts because it makes me feel like they don't want me" - because to a 14 year old, it can feel "My parents have left me because I'm not a nice person, I don't want to admit that they left me because then this person will know I'm not a nice person".

Very sad. When I was a similar age, a schoolfriend of mine used to be regularly abandoned by whichever of her parents she was living with. She used to stay at my house a lot and at various other friends'. But, she would never have phoned her parents to ask for help as, for her, that would have meant really acknowledging that she had shit parents. She was definitely not OK with being left alone - i can remember my dad bringing a very upset teenager home after she'd called, frightened cos she couldn't work out the heating in her dad's house. I think, Valhalla, you've done the right thing taking her in, but don't know what I would do following the mum's return.

I am just shocked that anyone thinks it's OK to leave a 14 year old alone for a week.
My DD is almost 15 and when I leave her for an evening out I am always ringing her to check all is well. I cannot imagine leaving her alone in a house overnight, much less a week (and with a twenty-something male lodger...Noooooo!) I'm not at all an overprotective mother and am constantly encouraging her to be more independent, but they are still children at 14, whatever they may look like. I think the OP has done what most caring people would do and it is difficult to know what comes next, but really it ought to be taken further. She is a child and should be protected and looked after.

Skihorse, my was for you feeling like that at 14. I knew you weren't having a go.

Evenually I decided to emailed the school at a stupid hour this morning as I couldn't sleep for worrying. The year head was on the phone to me by 8.15am, very concerned. I get the feeling there may be something else in the background to all this, possibly that the family are 'known', in a minor way. School were adamant that I've done the right thing and the teacher said as some of you have, that it was imperative I reported having jane with us for my own protection.

Then I called dad, having got the number this morning from J, to 'introduce myself' and to tell him that his daughter is safe with us.

Apparently he'd called her last night at her home - of course there was no reply from he. He tried her mobile - switched off - and "popped round this morning before school, she wasn't there and assumed she'd stayed at a mates last night though there's always that underlying thought that something could be wrong, isn't there?"

I told him that she's been offered and has accepted the invite to remain here til her mothers return. This is where you hope he'll do the decent thing but know he won't. Sure enough...oh thats good, he says, as he has to work all but Friday night, sleeping over as a carer for the disabled, and its a balance between looking after your child and needing the money isn't it?

Errrrr.... no it fecking isn't! And if you have money WTF is your child given just £4 and left with no bloody food in the house? (To be really cynical, WTF is this lone mum paying to feed an extra mouth so you can go to work, twat-head?).

He was all perfectly nice and friendly to me but clearly just didn't seem to think that he needed to step up to his responsibilities.

I gritted my teeth, told him I'd get J to call him when she got back here this afternoon and that if it was all ok with both of them of course jane can stay til mum returns. I was just so glad to put the phone down before I called him a c*$t, tbh.

Tried to call school, the teacher concerned was absent from her desk but called me back half an hour later. They'd spoken to dad, who clearly was under the impression that I'd contacted school after having spoken to him an was apparently very miffed about it (cue 'tough sh!t reaction from me).

They were not convinced or reassured by what he said that he would ensure that Jane was either with me or he would care for himself and mae it plain to me that they had more faith in me than him. I assured them that Jane would stay here as long as she wished to and that I'd inform school of the decision made between father and daughter as soon as Jane calls dad this afternoon. If she is to stay with me then school won't take it further, if she isn't they will 'make it a child protection issue' or somesuch - presumably meaning they will call SS.

I'll know what is going to happen and how much the bloody father is going to kick off at me very soon. He just doesn't want to ask to speak with me when Jane calls him as I'm likely to read the riot act... I am tired, having given up my room for his DD and slept on the sofa, and he is a twat. Thats more than enough reason for me to tell him so!

Oh dear! Excuse the typos.

"They were not convinced or reassured by what he said that he would ensure that Jane was either with me or he would care for himself and mae..." should read:

"They were not convinced or reassured by what he said - i.e. that he would ensure that Jane was either with me or that he would care for her himself and made..."

WELL DONE YOU for at least trying to be there for her. What an absolute TWAT. She has no food, no money, is frightened and he is passing the buck to make a couple of quid - she wasnt there and he was just fine about that? Any bloddy thing could have happened to her - they are making her so incredibly vulnerable.

I was left at fourteen for 1 overnight only and I moved out at sixteen but I was called constantly, had family and neighbours round and slept at my best mates frequently as agreed before my mum went away. I was also raised in a different time, so was much more used to being totally independent from a young age.

DD1 says that DD2 and Jane are on their way here via Jane's to pick up Jane's stuff, so it looks like she is on her way here to stay.

I'm pretty damn sure that school would have spoken to her so I'd guess that she's decided to stop with me despite me being an interfering old boot and her father having the hump with me!

More to follow when they have returned and Jane's spoken to the individual who has the brass neck to call himself a father....

Well I'm glad that her staying with you has been officially sanctioned so the mum will have no come-back to complain. It doesn't sound like Jane's dad feels any responsibility for his DD. Very

Out of interest, has Jane's mum rung to check on her during the week?

Well done you for taking the responsibility when her parents have failed so miserably.

There is something not quite right here. The father cannot have the daughter stay at his because he is woking overnight. But he is more than happy to leave her alone in her own home overnight, with no food or money?

Shiney, these were my thoughts exactly. He really sounded to me like he was going through the motions with his comments of how he'd assumed she was staying at her friends when he couldn't reach her but that there was "always that underlying thought that there was something wrong". To me it was screamingly obvious that he doesn't give a monkeys and was saying what he 'ought' to say.

More interesting still, when Jane called dad this afternoon he had a go at her (whether angry with her as well as me I don't know) and told her that now the school knew of her situation he was "being taken to court". The poor kid was sobbing but won't say too much to me... I feel she is protecting her father, but whether purely from alleged court action or anything else I haven't a clue. Shes a very chatty youngster but is very selective on what she says on her parents and doesn't invite questions.

I managed to reassure Jane that no-one could be taken to court that quicky and that whatever he thinks, he is mistaken on this. It was hard not to add that he was a nasty bastard who is deliberately scaring his own 14 year old daughter in order to cover his ass and/or detract from the fact that he and Janes mother have behaved deplorably.

The good news is that Jane, my two and another friend are all doing make-up on each other and practising dance routines as I type and Jane appears happy to stay here til Sunday when her mother returns.

Apparently the father plans to meet her for coffee here in my town tomorrow. Generous of him, isn't it?

I wonder if Jane's mother's trip was some kind of last-ditch attempt to make her father actually take some responsibility for his DD? Maybe the mother thought that if she forced this man's hand, he might come up to the mark.

Hmm it may be that the teacher has taken advice since speaking to you.I very much doubt that she is allowed to exercise discretion in whether to report a matter like this to SS.
I think OP that you have acted very responsibly over this whole matter and are to be congratulated for stepping up to the plate

So she is 14, Let's not forget that my grandparents were out at work in the mines at that age. Not that I think it is OK necessarily, but in African countries women would be coping with themselves at a younger age than this. Perhaps you are being a little
paranoid.

Rebeccadiamond

Some African countries don't have basic santitation for the masses doesn't mean we shouldn't either.

Rebeccadiamond - I don't think that anyone holds up the African countries that you mention as shining examples of how to rear children in the UK. The fact is that their whole upbringing is different out of necessity and cultural demand, so not really relevant to this situation.

OP - I think you have acted in exactly the right way, hopefully as any caring and responsible adult would act in this situation.

I really hope the girl's mother sees this as the 'wake up' call she appears to need and that Jane's situation improves.

RD, I taught in an area of high immigration for a decade. Several of the mothers I knew had been married and runnnig a home at 14, and three had a baby before they were 14.
Still had trouble coping with crossing the road and knowing how to access help and support for all things from medical to home electrics.

Goblinchild, did those 14 year olds grow up in UK or in urban areas re: crossing roads?

No, rural subcontinent.
I'd expect my teen to be able to go to the supermarket, make a train journey or access technology, but not to be a skilled carer for a baby or to know how to herd cows. Or work down a mine.
Different expectations for a teen with different life experiences.

Fair enough, goblinchild.

However, the examples you gave were of 14 year olds who grew up in rural subcontinent now in UK having trouble coping with 'crossing the road and knowing how to access help and support for all things from medical to home electrics'. Surely, that is not unusual given they are just getting used to life in a modern developed society like UK.

There is an entirely valid reason why they would struggle in that context which is completely unrelated to the majority of 14 year olds in UK (like the OP's dd's friend).

Quick update:

Jane's dad came to take her out for an hours shopping and a coffee today. Now decided that she can stay here til Monday (Monday??? But mum is home on Sunday! Doesn't she/won't she want to see her DD?? ).

He rang her from his car outside my house. She went to the door with my DDs, I waited indoors to see if he was going to come to the door and ask to meet me. Did he? Did he feck!

Gave her £20 to give to me for feeding her, which she offered upon her return. I wasn't inclined to take his sodding money and politely declined but Jane said I must, that dad insisted and so I accepted rather than cause her hurt or embarrassment by prolonging the conversation saying no.

Rang school to update (teacher training day, the DCs are off for the half term), spoke to the Head of Year as before who confirmed that they hadn't said the parents were facing court action. I said dad appeared to be manipulating Jane by his remark to the contrary. Added that I've been told by my DD that both parents work nights and that mum has house here in my town (Janes home) and in town about 1/2 hours drive away on a good day, where her work is. Apparently mum leaves for work c9pm and often stays at other house when she finishes work, thus Jane is alone. School admitted that they were aware of certain issues.

Stated my own opinion which is that Jane will talk about family such as how parents aren't miserly if she wants new clothes and general stuff but she won't be drawn into conversations about mum and dad when topics are slightly more serious (ie not abuse or anything nasty but things most DC chatter happily about). She goes quiet and looks troubled - I almost say scared, but perhaps am reading too much into it. There is another child, 15, mentioned tonight by Jane briefly, but not living with either parent AFAIK although she said he is 'very mature', so doesn't appear to be a child in professional care for disability reasons or the like. She wasn't very forthcoming and I didn't ask anything naturally.

Upshot of the call to school was that they said, delicately, that they are also aware that there were other concerns, the matter was 'in hand'.

I'm beginning to think at last that I did the right thing in contacting school, but god knows what will happen now, when mum returns and when school starts again in a weeks time.

I think the only thing you can do is (if you feel up to it) let Jane know that sne can talk to you if she wants to but what you mustn't do is try to force her confidence. You have done a very kind thing in taking care of her, but (frustrating as it is) that doesn't mean you're entitled to know exactly what the issues are at her home. You've been told by the school that the situation is 'known about' and 'in hand' - they can't tell you more because of confidentiality.

I think that if you were not going to take the daughter in, you should have called Social Services. Now you've taken the daughter in (and rightly so) you're going to be involved in all the ins and outs of it, which I can imagine are distressing for you and your daughter

I think now you've taken her in, you should have a stern word with her and ask her whether she realises the consequences of her selfish actions and then back off.