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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it wrong for a 14 yo to be left alone for a week....

120 replies

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 22:09

... while the Mum goes on holiday abroad?

Background -

My DD1 (14) has fairly recently become friends with 'Jane', a class-mate. Nice kid, friendly and polite, but thats all I really know of her.

The night before last DD tells me that Jane's Mum has gone on a foreign holiday and that since last weekend Jane has been alone at home. The parents are divorced and Dad lives in a town about half an hour away from Jane and her Mum.... but she's okay because their (20s male student) lodger is sometimes about in the house. Like Jane is his responsibility ffs! As I understand it there's no arrangement with said lodger to care for Jane.

Tonight I learn that Mum has been ringing Jane daily asking her to lie to Mums firm and say Mum is absent from work ill. Jane has been, I'm told, terribly upset about this and feeling very awkward answering the phone to the Mums firm, who are calling regularly. Then there was a comment that Jane had no food left in the house (turns out she had nothing but a pack of rolls), that she had 'taken 4 tablets one after another', but no-one knows what they were and that Dad had been on the scene briefly and left her £4 (no thats not a typo!), but can't take Jane to his as he has to work!

Needless to say I got DD to call Jane and she went straight round to meet her and bring her back to my house to stay. Poor kid is lovely, must have been scared shitless alone like that and hungry and will stay here til her !!!! of a mother returns home on Sunday.

I'm NOT being unreasonable in being shocked - I am a hard-hearted beggar but I was in tears as I told DD to go fetch Jane tonight.

I probably would be VERY unreasonable if I slapped both parents and in jail so thank god its not in my nature to do such a thing.

But am I being unreasonable to take this further - and if so with whom? I don't know either parent, I don't want to upset Jane by causing trouble and I don't want DD to be in the middle, ostracised at school for anything I do or say, lose Jane's friendship or DDs trust in me. I've spoken out to school and risked DD being caught up in it all when she told me that a girl in class was bringing pot into school and I got flamed for that here, btw!

What, if anything, do I do, apart from feed and care for this lovely kid until Sunday? I don't want her life to be made misery, I'm trying not to be 'judgey' but I feel so responsible and concerned.

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 21/10/2009 23:07

Sorry, didn't mean to make things harder. I'm a teacher in a secondary school and have had to make difficult calls in the past. Under certain circumstances we are obliged to do so, and this would be one of them, sadly.

wheredidmyoldlifego · 21/10/2009 23:08

I'd speak with the school first and also offer Jane to come back to yours and stay with you, if you can, until the mother is back.

I disagree that if plenty of food and money is left for Jane, then this is fine. It's also not a lodger's responsibility to look after the 14 yo daughter of their landlord.

Not sure I'd have the guts to call social services, mainly because I don't know how the 'system' works. But defo speak with the school as you know them and can at least feel like you're 'doing the right thing'.

frogs · 21/10/2009 23:11

I think you should sit her down for a quiet chat and ask her how she feels about it all, explain why you're concerned, and ask what she would like you to do in order to try and prevent something similar happening again.

She's 14, she'll have some fairly strong views about her family set-up, and probably ideas on the kinds of things she'd like to be different.

And depending on what you hear, you can take it from there. If you get the feeling that it's a one-off piece of (very) bad judgement by a flakey mother under a lot of stress, that's one thing. If it turns out that it's part of a whole raft of neglectful and abusive episodes, then maybe you do need to take further action. But you should talk it through with her, rather than take action over her head and risk making things even more difficult for her.

herbietea · 21/10/2009 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LauraIngallsWilder · 21/10/2009 23:16

I agree with Colditz

I was hideously unhappy as a child/teen for several reasons
Why didnt I run away/demand to be put in care?

Because I knew that I was despite everything better off at home

Sad but true

hanaboo · 21/10/2009 23:16

totally agree with frogs....

i was left alone for a week at 15 with money, i had to do my own food shopping, i was fine, i think i was old enough
how close to 15 is she?

madamearcati · 21/10/2009 23:17

I am utterly utterly shocked that anyone could think it is OK to go on holiday for a week and leave a 14 yo home alone.It is NOT.Do any of you people have kids that age ?

From the NSPCC wensite
'For example, most parents would think it's OK to leave a 16-year-old alone for the evening, but to leave them for a week would be unacceptable.

I would contact the school tomorrow.For one thing.You need to get it all above board.You don't know what her parents are like.They could turn the tables on you for having her stay at your house without their knowledge or consent.

paddingtonbear1 · 21/10/2009 23:19

agree with colditz
I'd have strong words with the mum when she came back (easy for me to say I know!), and threaten to tell the school about it. Is Jane generally OK at home do you know?
well done for taking her in btw!

colditz · 21/10/2009 23:21

considering that a 16 year old can fuck off, get married, have a baby and set up home, I think the NSPCC is a little unrealistic saying they can only be left alone for 1 evening. I'd leave the average 16 year old for a couple of days.

14 year olds are an entirely different kettle of fish, they vary hugely in maturity, some are mini adults, others are large children.

hanaboo · 21/10/2009 23:22

lol at the nspcc website... i moved out aged nearly 16
(i know all teens are different)

salvolatile · 21/10/2009 23:22

Valhalla, I feel for you, I really do! What some of the posters seem to have missed is that you ARE now involved, and potentially complicit if you don't say anything, but destructive if you do. Well my view FWIW is that as a result you will now have to do what feel right to you, and to your standards. Not anyone else's, and not what feels right to the parents of the 14 year old. What feels right to you, having had 'Jane ' in your house, and having seen her face to face with the situation? I really feel for you because it is not a decision any of us would want to take, but the consequences of getting it wrong are going to impact on Jane. So, consider what else goes on in her life that would support the view of this as neglectful parenting? If, having thought about this, you believe that her emotional or physical welfare is being neglected then you have an obligation to report your concerns to the school, who in turn will have an obligation to take it further if they need to. if it helps, I also consider 14 to be too young to leave a child for a week, and I see a huge variety of children through the work that I do, from all backgrounds.

LauraIngallsWilder · 21/10/2009 23:23

madamearcati - I agree (as do most of us I think!) that this isnt OK, of course it isnt

But talking to the school means SS getting involved - which in all likelihood will cause a terrible kerfuffle of pain, upset and hurt all round - and nothing SS can do will 'help' at all

Far better for Jane to be cared for by Valhala and for her to have a 'chat' with her mum on her return home

Biobytes · 21/10/2009 23:23

I agree that involving Social Services may be worse, but as it is unlikely for Jane to be taken to care, perhaps they would be useful in giving the mother a good "talk"?

Original poster
Vallhala · 21/10/2009 23:23

Tbh I never thought of it from the point of view of how me taking Jane in might be perceived - thats my last concern, almost a 'well thats bloody daft, let them have a go at me, all I want is to know Jane is safe and cared for'.

I invited her to stay til mum gets back tonight and she very eagerly and gratefully accepted. As I said, when DD told me the situation I was in tears, not like me at all.

For my own sake I can see that contacting the school is wise though I'm prepared to take being 'told off' for taking Jane in if it comes to it and if it saves her and my own DC from any serious unpleasantness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vallhala · 21/10/2009 23:28

FWIW I know nothing of Jane's background - shes only been a friend of my DD for about a month, prior to which she was just another class-mate. She's a confident enough, chatty girl, no sign of nerves, not unkempt - thats all I know.

Talking of unkempt, bless her she'd changed out of uniform at mine and was going to put it on again tomorrow - I've washed and dried her trousers but her shirt is still in the machine! Best I put it in the tumble drier!

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 21/10/2009 23:29

Gosh that is such a tough one. You have done exactly what I would do, but I think you need to make this arrangement a bit more formal to protect your family.

I think you should phone your local SS and chat it through with them because if anything happened to her whilst under your unofficial care it could have very damaging consequences for you and yours. You have to put their needs before this poor girl's.

SS are unlikely to take her into care as a previous poster said, although they may insist she goes into temporary care until her mother returns on Sunday, or until they can contact her to make her return early. More likely is they will send Jane to stay with her dad or get him to come and stay with her in her home.

You can't be responsible for the bad choices this woman has made about her child but you need to cover your own arse. Really, really sad but true.

hanaboo · 21/10/2009 23:29

vallhala, maybe to protect yourself u should get her to call her dad to let him know where she is (just in case he calls for her/gets worried etc)
that way u will have a sort of parental consent

Danthe4th · 21/10/2009 23:30

Does the 14 year old have anything to say herself about the situation. I think she has a right to know that you may contact ss and the school.

defineme · 21/10/2009 23:31

I was left alone for that long at 14 - my 17yr old brother was there in theory, but simply left with the food money to go on his own holiday!

Tbh I was fine - I invited friends over as I didn't like being alone at night, I enjoyed the freedom and could cook and so on-I wouldn't have done anything silly like have a party. My parents were very responsible, but did expect me to be able to look after myself.

16yrolds can live on their own can't they-why would the NSPCC say it's wrong to leave them on their own for a night?

The telling lies is the really shocking thing -vile behaviour and I hope she's got a hell of a good reason for needing that holiday.

Can only repeat what others have said- talk to the girl before you do anything. I would also feel free to say to the mum how harassed the girl had felt by the mum's work -unless you think she'd get into trouble with her mum if you said that?

LauraIngallsWilder · 21/10/2009 23:33

Another thought valhalha - about protecting your own arse

(And this sounds dreadful I know it does but Im saying it because Im worried about your arse!) make sure Jane isnt alone with any older boys/men in your household - so that no possibility of tables turning on you later if heaven forbid her mum does go bonkers about it and your family get accused of something terrible - just try to make sure you are above board

colditz · 21/10/2009 23:33

The social services will have strong words with her father if you contact them, it was up to HIM to save the day, and he failed his daughter.

madamearcati · 21/10/2009 23:37

Also please remember that everything you know about Jane and her family and even the fact that they have left her home alone for a week is only what she has told you and your DD. It might not , any of it, be true.
Please be very very careful!

SolidGhoulBrass · 21/10/2009 23:38

Valhalla: Why haven't you contacted the girl's father? Ok, if she has already told you that her father is abusive or an alcoholic or a smackhead or something I apologise, but shouldn't he be the first port of call before SS/the school?

blueshoes · 21/10/2009 23:39

valhalla: "Okay Blueshoes.. but say what? That your child was hungry, frightened, lonely and that you are an utterly selfish s.o.b.?"

Absolutely. You don't have to add the bit at the end, but that depends on whether you want to be helpful to the 14 year old or just let off steam.

I also agree with posters that suggest you speak to the 14 year old. And she must be alerted to the potential risk, big or small, that if you inform the school, SS will get involved and she might be taken into care.

SolidGhoulBrass · 21/10/2009 23:40

I also agree with madamearcati: it could turn out that the girl was supposed to be staying with her father or something and didn't want to, and is dramatizing her situation, teenagers do this sort of thing.