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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it wrong for a 14 yo to be left alone for a week....

120 replies

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 22:09

... while the Mum goes on holiday abroad?

Background -

My DD1 (14) has fairly recently become friends with 'Jane', a class-mate. Nice kid, friendly and polite, but thats all I really know of her.

The night before last DD tells me that Jane's Mum has gone on a foreign holiday and that since last weekend Jane has been alone at home. The parents are divorced and Dad lives in a town about half an hour away from Jane and her Mum.... but she's okay because their (20s male student) lodger is sometimes about in the house. Like Jane is his responsibility ffs! As I understand it there's no arrangement with said lodger to care for Jane.

Tonight I learn that Mum has been ringing Jane daily asking her to lie to Mums firm and say Mum is absent from work ill. Jane has been, I'm told, terribly upset about this and feeling very awkward answering the phone to the Mums firm, who are calling regularly. Then there was a comment that Jane had no food left in the house (turns out she had nothing but a pack of rolls), that she had 'taken 4 tablets one after another', but no-one knows what they were and that Dad had been on the scene briefly and left her £4 (no thats not a typo!), but can't take Jane to his as he has to work!

Needless to say I got DD to call Jane and she went straight round to meet her and bring her back to my house to stay. Poor kid is lovely, must have been scared shitless alone like that and hungry and will stay here til her !!!! of a mother returns home on Sunday.

I'm NOT being unreasonable in being shocked - I am a hard-hearted beggar but I was in tears as I told DD to go fetch Jane tonight.

I probably would be VERY unreasonable if I slapped both parents and in jail so thank god its not in my nature to do such a thing.

But am I being unreasonable to take this further - and if so with whom? I don't know either parent, I don't want to upset Jane by causing trouble and I don't want DD to be in the middle, ostracised at school for anything I do or say, lose Jane's friendship or DDs trust in me. I've spoken out to school and risked DD being caught up in it all when she told me that a girl in class was bringing pot into school and I got flamed for that here, btw!

What, if anything, do I do, apart from feed and care for this lovely kid until Sunday? I don't want her life to be made misery, I'm trying not to be 'judgey' but I feel so responsible and concerned.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 21/10/2009 23:42

For an overdramatic teenager, mentioning the possibility that she could be taken into care would help to focus her mind a little.

Original poster

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 23:42

No men or boys in this family Laura and none likely to call - but goodness, you have a point! There could be a lot of mud-slinging going on if I was still married/had a male pal or b/f here or whatever.

Hanaboo - good idea - in fact I think I'll go one further and ask Jane for Dads number, tell him that she is here myself tomorrow morning (as well as asking her to call him when she gets home here from school tomorrow) and see what he has to say, if only to get the measure of the man.

Going by Jane, who isn't 'posh' but isn't a yobbo type by any means, I would think that the parents are fairly articulate and intelligent. I just don't know about 'reasonable'!

OP posts:

Biobytes · 21/10/2009 23:43

TBH if the child has been left on her own for a week, I doubt that Vallhala is in a position to worry too much about her own ass.

Can you talk to NSPCC, Social Services or school, just to leave a record of what has happened and how the child ended up in your home?

IMO you are only acting as any responsible and concerned adult should act if faced with the same situation.

SolidGhoulBrass · 21/10/2009 23:48

Vallhala, there is also the possiblity that the father is a four-square arsehole who was supposed to be looking after 'Jane' and hasn't done so, and the story Jane is telling is a way of defending a loved but useless father by blaming her mother who perhaps went on holiday thinking her DD was safe in her father's care.

Original poster

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 23:48

Solid, contacting Dad wasn't something which entered my mind - I was anxious that DD got jane here safely before dark, that I got the girls fed (we are veggie, she isn't, always a dilemma with unexpected guests!), made her feel welcome and safe etc. She had a shower, as did my 2, the girls ate, did homework, chatted a little (tried to encourage her to talk about mum leaving her without sounding too obvious), watched a DVD and then went to bed at about 9.45 - all this has happened over the course of the past 4 hours max, including my absence from home to go and fetch a takeaway!

I certainly will call dad in the morning though.

OP posts:

hanaboo · 21/10/2009 23:48

it sounds like it might just be a one off slip up, and tbh she doesn't sound like an irresponsible girl, maybe her mum just overestimated her abilities to care for herself?
totally a gd idea to speak to the dad yourself though
and try to speak more to jane while she's in your care without seeming too involved and she may open up to u
it may be that she just needs a bit of support and a gd friend, maybe u and your dd could be that for her.

SolidGhoulBrass · 21/10/2009 23:49

Because the other question that springs immediately to mind is why didn't this intelligent, articulate 14-year-old phone her dad herself and say, I'm on my own in the house Dad and don't like it, please come and get me?

Biobytes · 21/10/2009 23:52

Brass, he went to see her, gave her four pounds and left.

Original poster

Vallhala · 21/10/2009 23:54

Solid, ditto Biobytes - apparently he can't care for her as he 'has got to work'.

If it is as simple as it sounds hes a first class, card carrying w***r! Til tomorrow I can't say that for sure of course.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 22/10/2009 00:00

YANBU/ A 14 year old is to young to be left on her own for a week. In fact I think it's to young to be left overnight. Are you able to contact her Father to tell him where his DD is? I would contact the school to let them know whats happened.

Original poster

Vallhala · 22/10/2009 00:08

OK, thank you all, you're helping me a great deal and I think this may be the way forward.

I call dad tomorrow, introduce myself as the mum of one of Janes friends and say that she stayed with us overnight. I tell him WHY - ie, no money, hungry, scared - and wait for him to reply.

If he acts as I hope, total shock and dismay, and says he will be there to pick Jane up and care for her after school til mum gets back fine, though I will say in passing that it might be wise if I tell school that Jane has stayed here, in case mum is concerned about it or my intentions are misconstrued, and let him ponder on that remark, see how he reacts.

If he intimates or says that Jane should stay with me as he has to work etc then he IS an irresponsible wr for leaving his child in the care of a complete stranger and I feel then that I would be right in informing the school that Jane is with me.

OP posts:

Haunty27 · 22/10/2009 00:10

If you don't want SS to get involved, don't tell the school. It is their duty to inform SS in those circumstances.

Enjoy Jane's daughter, tell Jane that she left a child in a vulnerable situation.

Did you say there was a lodger? Haven't read the whole thread.

It's not always in the best interests of a child to be passed to SS. You are doing a good job there Val.

Haunty27 · 22/10/2009 00:10

If you don't want SS to get involved, don't tell the school. It is their duty to inform SS in those circumstances.

Enjoy Jane's daughter, tell Jane that she left a child in a vulnerable situation.

Did you say there was a lodger? Haven't read the whole thread.

It's not always in the best interests of a child to be passed to SS. You are doing a good job there Val.

SolidGhoulBrass · 22/10/2009 00:49

OK I missed the post where he had given her £4 (FFS! If that's true what does he expect that to buy her? It would be about one Burger King Meal!) What an arse! Mind you, given that this is his attitude, be careful how you go after the mother - it may be that he told her he would look after Jane and is not doing so purely to punish the mother and get her into trouble.

FlamingoBingo · 22/10/2009 06:37

I think that's a good compromise, Valhalla.

Don't forget though, that it's not just being taken into care that can be damaging to children. SS involvement can absolutely destroy any relationship childre have with their parents and family life can disintegrate entirely. It is nearly always an extremely distressing and painful time for families who feel (and I stress the word 'feel') accused of something awful that they haven't done.

I really think that the girl needs to be involved in this decision, but in a very tactful and sensitive way.

And there's no point asking NSPCC what to do, apart from their utterly ridiculous advice that it is not acceptable to leave a 16yo on her own for a week, a 16yo who is considered able to have her own job, leave home, get married , but whatever official procedure they explain to you, it does not account for ignorant social workers and you cannot ensure that it is not ignorant social workers who are involved. Just be very aware of the worst that could happen and think about whether that would be worse or better for this girl than her current life.

Besom · 22/10/2009 07:18

I agree with people who have said that you are the only person who can decide what to do here and you must follow your own instincts.

If I had such a dilemma I wouldn't come on here about it because I would get lots of conflicting advice and be non the wiser.

Not an easy situation to be in, but you sound like a sensible sort.

StealthPolarBear · 22/10/2009 07:52

OP I think what you plan to do is the best thing.
PLease make sure you make sure there'll be no come back on your own family - when you call the dad keep a note of the date and time and how the conversation went in case you need it in future. Sorry.

madamearcati · 22/10/2009 09:49

and keep us posted !

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 22/10/2009 11:46

The thing that jumps out at me here is she was not only left without her parents but WITH an unrelated male lodger. Seems to me that it is pretty dodgy to leave a 14-yr-old girl at home in those circumstances, anything could have happened (NB if it was a family member/family friend or similar that MIGHT be different, but if it's just a lodger there is no way to know what he is like - or what other people he might bring home).

I think if it was me I would be having some words with her dad for a start, but also either speaking to the school/SS, or alternatively if you didn't want to take it that far, then speaking very strongly to her mum when she gets back about the effects this has had/could have had on Jane and saying "I WILL report to SS if I hear about anything similar happening again".

JustAnotherManicMummy · 22/10/2009 11:51

Vallhala any news?

skihorse · 22/10/2009 12:10

I was that 14 year old left home alone.

Your call to SS might not have "saved my life" - but now I'd be a 35 year old woman knowing that somebody had cared. As it is, I'm a 35 year old woman who knows that people chose not to see.

witcheseve · 22/10/2009 12:22

Tricky one, if the male lodger hadn't been there I would have read this situation as neglect, but as it is she was left with an adult. Terrible to leave the girl without food or money though.

Poor girl and shame on her parents. I think you have been very kind to take her under your wing, well done to you.

I would do as others have suggested, find out how she feels about being left. If she isn't bothered then I wouldn't involve SS. If I'd left my DD at 14 in these circumstances I'm sure she would have been extremely vocal about it as it would have affected her tremendously. Totally different matter one year on.

Now DD is 15 1/2 yr old I wouldn't leave her home alone to go away even though she wants the responsibility. If fact, I was going to go away without her for a week but have decided to take her with me now as she wasn't happy about having to go to a relative (also she wanted the holiday).

SS guidelines seem very unhelpful and I have decided, personally, that once DD reaches 16 I will leave her for up to a week, certainly a weekend if the opportunity arises .

skihorse · 22/10/2009 12:32

With response to what witcheseve says, if I had been asked how I felt about it - I wouldn't in a million years have said "I'm lonely and I don't like it" - I'd have said "I'm absolutely fine" because back then I'd have felt it was a reflection on me that I'd been abandoned.

Of course I was physically able to cope at 14 - it was more a case of the fact that my parents had abandoned me which made it hard - but then when you've got "shit" parents it's hard to articulate that.

I would've loved it if someone else's mother had taken me in - and fed me at the very least...

madamearcati · 22/10/2009 12:32

i am finding it strange that almost unanimously Mners are supportivr of calling SS when people just have a hunch about something eg shouting at kids, too tidy house .
But when there is a clear cut case of neglect as there is here, many people are talking the poster out of informing SS because they might take action !

madamearcati · 22/10/2009 12:35

Does the lodger realise and accept that he is in loco parentis ? Very much doubt it

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