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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to bin this friendship?

31 replies

electra · 21/10/2009 10:38

I have a male friend who is definitely a bit quirky. However, he has often been there for me when I really needed a friend and has tried to make me feel better as I have recently had quite a few phases of being unwell. A while back, I had a guy on my facebook list who I had known since school. He started harassing me and I blocked him and we no longer speak. This man was awful and assaulted me on a few occasions.

The aforementioned friend knew all about the harasser because he used to keep writing on my wall, etc. The other day, however 'friend' started messaging men on my facebook list because he was 'bored' and he also decided to message the person I blocked. Since then he has been going on about how nice harasser is and making me feel paranoid by hinting that he has been discussing me.

Why would a friend do this? Even as I am typing this I am aware of how totally bonkers it sounds!!!! It is beyond childish, surely?

I sent him an email saying I am angry about it and that real friends do not try to f*ck with each others heads. There is no sign of an apology.

AIBU to bin this friendship now, considering he has been a good friend in other ways?

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 21/10/2009 10:40

Oh gosh, tough one.

Obviously your friend is free to be friends with whoever he likes, even if it feels a betreyal of your friednship, but he should know better than to rub it in your fsce.

Sharpyharpy · 21/10/2009 10:41

yes - bin move on - major toxic possiblities

Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 10:43

I agree overmydeadbody, but he does not even live in the same town as this person, so what possible interest could he have in him really other than to mess with my head? He just 'cold called' him on facebook.

I think it would be a different matter if he had been friends with the harasser before.

OP posts:
Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 11:21

.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2009 11:24

When you say your friend is a bit quirky, what do you mean? Because that covers a lot of territory.

Have you actually spelled out to him that the harasser assaulted you? Or could he think from the facebook wall postings that he was all unrequited love rather than psycho stalker?

Just trying to think of a reasonable explanation for your friend's behaviour (whilst totally accepting that there may not be one).

kitbite · 21/10/2009 11:26

I would give friend a wide berth. Do not let the harrasser back into your circle on any terms, and if this includes via another person, so be it. A true friend would not cause upset, even if they didn't fully understand your position a friend would accept your feelings on it.

Stigaloid · 21/10/2009 11:36

I would give wide berth - how odd that he decided to contact YOUR friends out of the blue to make friends with them.

DUMP DUMP DUMP!

Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 11:51

When I say quirky I mean that his views on things are unconventional. Yes, he knows everything that happened, including that this man groped me in front of my children, called me a 'slag' and sent me emails begging me for sex, not to mention his misogynistic tendencies.

I'm trying to think of a reasonable explanation too but all I feel is hurt that someone I thought cared about me would want to make me feel unsettled.

OP posts:
TheHerbs · 21/10/2009 11:55

Sounds freaky and fwiw I would run a mile. Sorry itis awful to realise you have been friends with a muppet, but better know now than later.
Block him in every possible way.

Twinsmommy · 21/10/2009 11:59

I think your gut instinct is hardly ever wrong. You have every right to be angry with him. You are never going to know what they talk about. Get rid. He has crossed the line.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2009 12:18

Oh well in that case electra I'd bin this friendship instantly. His view on the harasser is beyond unconventional and well inside completely bonkers. Once the harasser realises he can't reach you via the no-longer-friend, it will be interesting to see how 'nice' the harasser stats towards your not-a-friend-really.

Now this is pure supposition on my part, because I'm an old cynic - but is it possible that he was there for you in the past to relieve his 'boredom' rather than for you? Some people get a buzz from being at the centre of a drama, your unwellness could have provided this for him. Perhaps your life's been too calm lately to provide him with enough amusement?

Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 13:06

Thanks for your replies. WhereYOuLeft it - I am begining to think that too. I do not like people playing me and when they do it makes me angry.

Is there any way I can block him from my mobile though?

OP posts:
TheHerbs · 21/10/2009 13:17

I think possibly not though you can usually get a new number if you are being harrassed, free of charge. Call your provider, or alternatively you can just buy a new sim but that might be more hassle.

VengefulSinner · 21/10/2009 13:31

Re: blocking him from your mobile, some phones have the ability to automatically reject a number if it calls, but it doesn't stop you getting the missed call (although it won't ring) and he will still be able to send you texts.

I think the best way will be what TheHerbs suggests and change your number. FWIW, I used to regularly change number due to XP and if I remember rightly I have only had to pay for it once out of about 10-13 changes with a line rental contract.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 21/10/2009 14:19

It's Facebook again isn't it...

Go with your gut feel. You blocked the other guy for ample reason, this quirky friend is clearly not on your side of things.

Block him, change the mobile. Make a clean break.

Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 17:12

Well I said to him, how would he like it if I started contacting his ex-girlfriend who he had a very acrimonious split with, not least because he owes her 1k which he has no intention of paying back. I said to him that I would not even be interested in what her thoughts about him are and think it's odd he would contact someone I want out of my life when he wasn't an existing friend......he did not reply...

Ok, I think I'm going to block him. Any idea how to block emails? I have googlemail.

OP posts:
TheHerbs · 21/10/2009 17:18

You can block people on facebook but not googlemail - I've tried.
You can however set up a new account I think, with a different gmail address.

BiteOfFun · 21/10/2009 17:31

You can mark his emails as spam, and just delete the trash folder regularly unopened, if you are disciplined enough.

Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 18:44

He says I'm 'over exaggerating' He said 'I know you believe this chain of events but you are over exaggerating'

I'm not am I????

grrrrrr - he's trying to be manipulative isn't he? I think there is something unsettling about someone who does weird stuff with no clear motive.

OP posts:
Janos · 21/10/2009 18:50

Oooh YANBU at all electra.

If he's making remarks like that to you he is definitely not your friend. In point of fact, he's being just plain nasty! How bloody dare he imply that it was not that bad and was all in your mind?

To paraphrase slightly, with a friend like him, who needs enemies?

Frrrightattendant · 21/10/2009 19:07

Yup, you have twigged. He is not your friend. No friend would behave like this. Your feelings are a game to him. Ditch him.

Don't try and convince him of your reasons as he won't listen. Just say you think it would be better if you didn't communicate any more, and kick him to the kerb as it were.

Well rid, nice work - you have moved upwards in your self esteem today

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2009 19:27

Yes electra, he is just trying to stir things up. Walk away and don't look back. He's not really a friend at all.

pigletmania · 21/10/2009 19:30

I would delete this 'friend' from your facebook list and move on, what sort of a friend is he if he tries to hurt you and knows what this guy has done to you. Forget him.

Original poster
electra · 21/10/2009 22:11

Well I have changed my mobile number, set his emails as spam and now to delete from facebook.

I am such an idiot

Thanks all of you - you have given me a bit of courage to cut him off xx

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 21/10/2009 22:21

you can 'filter' people out from gmail.

Go to settings, select the Filters tab

Enter his email address, hit search.

select all the messages that come up in your inbox etc. go to next step and select Skip Inbox, and Delete boxes.

Any message that comes from him will bypass your inbox and go straight to the bin.

Good for you!