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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my "Best Friend" to call me more than once every 10 wks while I am pregnant for the first time?

43 replies

Alina77 · 20/10/2009 16:38

I have what I call my two best girl friends (who live abroad), one of which calls me once in a while (and is interested in the whole pregnancy thing) and another one who never ever calls or replies to my emails due to her own personal problems she has at the moment (she is 31 and just broke up with her boyfriend). Am I being unreasonable to think she should still be in touch more even if she does not want to chat about baby stuff, just to find out I am doing okay??? Should I dump her or forgive her? We used to be very close. I find she is being egoistic shutting herself in, but maybe it's me who is being egocentric expecting her to care about my pregnancy?

OP posts:
emkana · 20/10/2009 16:39

Why don't you call her?

Prosecco · 20/10/2009 16:39

Do you call her to find out how she is doing?

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 20/10/2009 16:39

Do you call her to see if she is ok after splitting with her boyfriend or are you just as guilty as her of not being interested?

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 20/10/2009 16:40

Wow!! Great minds think alike......We've all asked the same question & posted within seconds of each other

TheDemonicButDandyLioness · 20/10/2009 16:41

I was going to ask the same question that everyone else had

MuttOfTheBaskervilles · 20/10/2009 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corblimeymadam · 20/10/2009 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChunkyKitKat · 20/10/2009 16:44

Some people mean nothing personal but get wrapped up in their own lives. Do you think you've stopped having anything in common?

I've lost touch with good friends in the past, they stop making an effort quite often when someone moves away, but people move on.

hanaboo · 20/10/2009 16:45

this is not meant in a mean way...

but why are u so dependent on someone else calling u? get on with your life and concentrate on u and baby, do u not have any other friends?

i have loads of friends, too many imo and most of them are constantly having a go at me for 'forgetting them' honestly i like my friends but i have a busy life and sometimes just wanna relax in the evenings and not spend time calling various ppl to see how they are.

i'm just trying to say, don't expect much of ppl and u won't be disappointed
and congrats on the pregnancy

ChunkyKitKat · 20/10/2009 16:45

And agree with belgianbun, even though she has plenty of time for babies, it gets you like this after a break-up especially at the age of around 30.

mistletoekisses · 20/10/2009 17:30

OP - I am in a similar situation with my BF. I am pregnant, on top of that my father has a terminal illness and doesnt have long left - so am going through a fairly stressful situation. My BF has not called to see how I am doing for months. She is nearly 34 has has also recently broken up with someone she could at one time see a future with.

Am I slightly upset about the situation? A little. But then I keep it in perspective and think she equally must be going through a very hard time. We are both equally wrapped up in our situations with little energy to 'deal' with one another and our respective situations.

IMO - you dont need to make any decision. Get on with your live. Let her get on with hers. If you are good friends then at some point, you'll come back onto the same page. If not, then you'll eventually drift apart. It really is as simple as that.

HTH

debs40 · 20/10/2009 18:39

Tread carefully, I made the mistake of losing a bit of perspective when I was pregnant for the first time. I was in a new town and felt really lonely. I castigated my BF for paying me enough attention and we have never been on the same terms since.....that was 7 years ago

Still, I suppose it was a test of the strength of our friendship and we both sort of failed at it. She may be going through her own turmoil and thinks this will bring you down.

Write a nice card to her to say hello

marenmj · 20/10/2009 18:45

lucky - my best friend hasn't called me uninitiated since we were about 13.

Honestly, some people are like that. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about me or doesn't want to know what's going on in my life.

If it's something you can live with, just accept that you need to be the one to update her on your life, and if you really can't live with that, then re-evaluate whether you want this person as your best friend.

It sounds harsh. You could blow up about it (have done that and had a falling out for a couple of years), and maybe get some more regular contact for a few months or years, but it won't last.

You can only control how YOU respond.

Ladyatron · 20/10/2009 18:48

pregzilla

PoisonToadstool · 20/10/2009 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prinnie · 20/10/2009 18:54

YABU - just ring her if you want to speak to her!

AliGrylls · 20/10/2009 18:54

I had this problem with a friend.

She would only ever call me when she wanted something / to moan. When I was preggers she only called me to tell me how awful her life was.

TBH at the end of the day there was only one way to deal with it and that was to cease to call her a friend. It is too draining when you are pregnant listening to someone's egocentric moaning.

Sometimes it is best to accept that you have drifted apart. Sorry to be harsh.

ClaireDeLoon · 20/10/2009 18:55

Your poor friend, she's going through a tough time you should try and support her more. Life isn't all about 'me'

RainRainGoAway · 20/10/2009 18:59

Are you having problems with your pregnancy?

If not, I would consider that unless she is needed as a supportive friend then you should expect as much contact during your pregnancy, and I am sorry to say, throughout your babies birth/first birthday/schooling etc.

I think she is the one who needs the support unless you are having problems.

Your first pregnanacy perchance?

AliGrylls · 20/10/2009 19:05

Clairedeloon, I completely agree with you. However, when she called me to tell me how awful it was that she spent all morning in the supermarket I lost my sympathy. Most people have to go to the supermarket.

This was actually after the time I had to listen to her witter about how she broke up with her boyfriend and how broken hearted she was after my parents who had been married for 40 years split up. It was really insensitive and she knew how upset I was from mutual friends as well.

crokky · 20/10/2009 19:14

I think you should try to forgive her.

She is 31 - she could be extremely broody and she has just split with the bloke who presumably she saw as the father of her children. She could be absolutely insane with jealousy over your pregnancy so it may be hard for her to chat to you and hear about your pregnancy. You are in the beter position so you should cut her some slack IMO.

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/10/2009 19:21

marenmj - your posts has made me feel so much better (sorry thread hijack) - I'm one of those people that is dreadful at calling/keeping in touch with people. When I see my friends, or they call I can happily talk to them or listen to them for hours. Bu I'm just so totally shite at the picking up the phone and ringing business and it's so nice to read of someone who has a friend like me and is ok with it.

scottishmummy · 20/10/2009 19:32

Alina,if she has problems you need to accomodate,make allowances.thats what friends do

you are being bitty me-me.she has not forgotten you probably she is just balancing her own stuff

congratulations on your pg

Astrid28 · 20/10/2009 19:43

I think you are being unreasonable tbh. I was in the exact same situation as you when pg with my first. My best friend lived abroad and had just split with her boyfriend, as I was the person in the better 'place' at the time, I called her more to check she was ok. I knew she cared about me, and was the first person to visit me in hospital.

I say relax & enjoy your pregnancy, I'll bet for the one friend you have who isn't into the pregnancy thing, you have 5 more who are xx

JackBauWooohooohoowaaer · 20/10/2009 20:06

My bf and I are terrible at keeping in touch, we have gone for molnths without talking and then go on holidays or have days out, and then nothing for months again. We currently speak very occasionally, every few months or so, we send texts and stuff in between but nothing regularly.
when we do talk we have a good chat for hours.

I thought it was odd but she recently told me she is finding it hard seeing me married and with kids etc ect when she is still renting her student hosue with her boyfriend who is not showing any signs of settling down. So she doesn't call as she feels jealous and then feel slike a cow for feeling it.
She is my bf, I understand she doesn't want to feel crappy and jealous and am here for when she wants to talk.

You are pregnant, it's great and fantastic and amazing, but to someone without kids it is not that big a deal, seriously.