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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my "Best Friend" to call me more than once every 10 wks while I am pregnant for the first time?

43 replies

Alina77 · 20/10/2009 16:38

I have what I call my two best girl friends (who live abroad), one of which calls me once in a while (and is interested in the whole pregnancy thing) and another one who never ever calls or replies to my emails due to her own personal problems she has at the moment (she is 31 and just broke up with her boyfriend). Am I being unreasonable to think she should still be in touch more even if she does not want to chat about baby stuff, just to find out I am doing okay??? Should I dump her or forgive her? We used to be very close. I find she is being egoistic shutting herself in, but maybe it's me who is being egocentric expecting her to care about my pregnancy?

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 20/10/2009 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiositykilled · 20/10/2009 20:22

Agree with all those who say you should call her if you want to speak to her.

YABU and rather precious to sit by the phone waiting for her to pass some test she doesn't know she's taking. IMO real friends are people who can forget each other when they are caught up in themselves once in a while, and still have a great friendship when they do start spending time together again. How often someone calls and whether they take the right kind of interest in you are not indicators of the strength of a friendship or someone's feelings for you.

texasghouldem · 20/10/2009 20:24

I would say since she has gone through a break up that you may not be her first thought atm

Can you not call her to see how she is doing?

When I was pg I didn't really care who called me, I was just so excited about going through the pregnancy that nobody else really came into my mind.

Are you having a difficult pregnancy? Is that why you are annoyed she hasn't called you?

Longtalljosie · 20/10/2009 20:37

I didn't expect anyone to pay me any special attention when I was pregnant. In fact, I was so knackered it was quite easy to drop off the face of the planet.

Has it struck you that if she is broken-hearted, and wondering if she'll ever meet the right person and have a baby, that she may find you difficult to speak to? You seem to totally dismiss a broken heart - your example of her being insensitive to call you for support over a broken heart when your parents broke up is a difficult one - but I would say on balance there is no sliding scale of personal pain - you don't hurt any less because someone else is hurting too.

Have you ever had your heart broken by a boyfriend? I find that those lucky enough to have met Mr Right quickly can be a bit dismissive of how painful it can be to be "out there"...

FatFree · 20/10/2009 20:40

You are a bit "me me me" arent you at the moment. If you wanna talk to her, pick up the phone! The world does not revolve around you just cos you are pregnant!

texasghouldem · 20/10/2009 20:48

Im actually starting to question the seriousness of the OP.

Just re-read part of it -

'Should I dump her or forgive her?'

Surely the OP isn't for real?

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 20/10/2009 22:03

And she hasn't come back to the thread.

Longtalljosie · 21/10/2009 07:43

She came back once - she's probably taken fright. Anyway, if she was trolling, surely she'd chose something more controversial?

DorotheaPlentighoul · 21/10/2009 08:13

Don't think she came back at all, did she?

If real: yawn, I'm afraid. If troll: yawn.

Original poster

Alina77 · 23/10/2009 04:43

Thanks, girls, I get your points... I guess it's fair enough to let her have her own priorities at this time. I am having a difficult pgcy but not a high risk one or anything. But I was a bit annoyed when she just said "oh, I just KNEW the baby is gonna be fine, I just wasn't worried". Also, she said didn't call because she didn't want me or anyone to know about her breakup, so now I assume she doesn't want to talk about it either? The reason why I didn't call her is that I called her last at about 14 weeks, and the last message I had left with her was "Having my 20 week scan tomorrow, call me back when you are back from holidays if you wanna know if it's a boy or a girl". She only called on my b'day 6 weeks later!
I guess I gonna go with the advice that I will get on with my life for now and see if she gets back in touch closer to the birth and will try my best not to resent her if she doesn't call til Christmas! After reading your posts I think I am able to do that... THANKS

OP posts:

TheDemonicButDandyLioness · 23/10/2009 11:15

nice that you appreciate people's posts, but I do think you're missing one of the main points made - it isn't all about you

How about calling yoru friend up, not (just) to talk about your pregnancy, but to ask how SHE is?

I think it's nice that she called you on your birthday - hardly any of my friends remember mine, btw!

I suspect she is struggling with your pregnancy - you're strengething your relationship just as she's losing hers, you're getting a new member of your family, she's back to being single with no immediate prospect of children. That's got to sting a little.

artlesschaos · 23/10/2009 11:24

YABU. Ok, you're pregnant. You are also (I assume) happliy settled and can look forward to the excitment of a new baby soon.
I have unfortunately had my heart broken badly in my 30's. I was devastated. I remember it was just before Christmas 2003 and I wandered round the shopping centre blurry with tears buying gifts for my nephew and neice, everywhere I looked I saw loved up couples and little families. I believed I'd never have that myself. It was a very dark, bleak place to be.
I think you should be the one supporting and calling your friend.
In her eyes you probably "have it all."

ParisFrog · 23/10/2009 11:27

"call me back when you are back from holidays if you wanna know if it's a boy or a girl"

maybe she didn't want to know?

artlesschaos · 23/10/2009 11:33

Maybe it's irrelevant to her. Surely you'll be happy with either.
It does sound a little self-indulgent of you.
Her heart is broken, she's probably struggling to just junction, do her job, get out of bed in the morning and you expect her to be hanging on tenderhooks for the latest insallment in your pregnancy?
Do you not think you are being a bit unfair here?

Vivia · 23/10/2009 15:33

My god you are thoroughly self-centred. Enjoy your pregnancy and baby, but also realize that you are not the centre of the world and that you have a responsibility to be a friend also. You really are not being any kind of a friend to her. Forgive me, but If I were her, after your behaviour, the 'call me if you want to know the sex' message and outright disregard for a friend's feelings, I would probably not give a damn about your overbearing self or the pregnancy. You are pushing your life in her face when her life is hard. Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she needs you to care.

chegirlknowswhereyoulive · 23/10/2009 16:08

Does your friend have children?

Its very hard for someone who has not been pg to appriciate what it feels like when you are pg with your first child.

I lost loads of friends when I had my first. They were not interested in what I was doing and I lost interest in what they were doing.

Its a natural progression.

She may be thinking 'thats nice, she cant be bothered with me anymore just because she is having a baby'.

Get used to it. No one will ever be that interested in you again once you have a child. You will never be number one ever again.

YeahBut · 23/10/2009 16:11

OP, your pregnancy is the most wonderful, exciting thing that's ever happened to you, not your friend. Maybe she's got her own problems, maybe she's just not that interested.

Pinkjenny · 23/10/2009 16:12

I was this friend. I was having a very difficult time relationship-wise when my bf was expecting her first baby. I used to call her with my own tales of woe and showed little interest in her pg. I think it was extreme selfishness on my part, coupled with the fact that at that point, having children wasn't even on my radar.

We had fallen out a few years previously after her behaviour at my wedding.

We didn't speak to each other for about four months in the end. I think the break did us good, and she now has two dd's, and I am expecting my second, and things are a lot more balanced now.

We have apologised to each other lots and lots over the years, but the foundations of our friendship, that started when we were 11yo, always bring us back together.

I'm not sure things are ever quite the same, but we still want each other in our lives.

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