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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my DH being referred to as my partner?

149 replies

generalunrest · 19/10/2009 11:17

I was on the phone to some twatting call centre the other day, and they asked me what my partners name was, even though they'd just called me Mrs Unrest.

Is it unreasonable of me to not like my DH being categorised as some kind of business partner?

I know that partner covers just about every kind of relationship, but I'm proud of us being married for 10 and I take the vows we took seriously and so don't like them being trivialised by someone else.

Yes...I know I should get a life/get over myself/get annoyed at bigger things, and I'd like to think I'm not being judgy or smug about people who aren't married or those whose marriage has broken up. If I am I'm sure you'll let me know, I'm a big girl, I can take it

OP posts:
MillyR · 19/10/2009 22:15

Surely, Seeker, the main reason that people use partner, particularly in the public sector, is because they do not know the gender of the partner. They cannot presume it is a man, and it would be discriminatory to not use inclusive language?

scottishmummy · 19/10/2009 22:16

partner is inclusive for CP,living together

seeker · 19/10/2009 22:20

But he is not my husband! That's the point! And I am not his wife! If we had wanted to be husband and wife we would have got married. I see not reason to use these words when I don't choose to and they are not accurate descriptions of we are.

Vallhala · 19/10/2009 22:21

I like the one said to a crowd in a pub some years back,

"My husband? Oh no, hon. He's married, but not to me... I'm just the bit on the side!"

There were a few dropped jaws and open mouths that evening!

scottishmummy · 19/10/2009 22:23

LOL vallhala,i like fancy piece.

ninagleams · 19/10/2009 22:24

"'partner' is shite, so mealy mouthed, crappy, placate everyone dull dull dull right on public sector droningly awful."

Really, what's my DP meant to be called by the general public then? "Co-habitee" or "boyfriend"? Come on, pull yourself together.

scottishmummy · 19/10/2009 22:28

why would someone who has a husband give a flying fuck what someone else calls their fancy man?

MillyR · 19/10/2009 22:32

I prefer the father of my children to be referred to as my infatuate, particularly in the callcentre is Npower.

ilovespagbol · 19/10/2009 22:41

YABU. Partner covers all types of relationships and the call centre/company have probably had lots of discussions and training about what term to use which will do just that. Just because you are 'Mrs' it does not mean you are still married (eg husband/partner may have died). Or with the man you married. Or woman. Men don't have this problem because they are just Mr, married or not.

Hando · 19/10/2009 23:30

My daughters father and I were never married. She has his surname I have my own. All he school documents have my proper name on, yet still whenever I go into school they call me Mrs xxx (daughters surname). I quite like it and haven't corrected them as dd's father died recently and it makes me (and dd) giggle when they do it and I know he'd have found it funny too!

supersalstrawberry · 20/10/2009 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtheneNoctua · 20/10/2009 12:02

If there is a gender uncertainty then I am quite happy for DH to be referred to as my spouse (and I as his).

If other people want to not get married, that's fine. But I think it's important and I would like the fact to recognised in the word which is used to decribe our relationship. We are husband and wife and that is what we should be called (if one knows us well enough to know that we are married).

If I was sitting in crowd where someone referred to everyone's partners I wouldn't be bothered about it.

Cat2408 · 20/10/2009 13:18

In support of the OP, I am offended when people refer to my 'partner', my husband and I made a special commitment to each other, to God and to the world when we got married and I'd like everyone to respect that decision. I don't mind if people choose to have 'partners' but please don't include me in that group.
I live in France and government forms etc refer to your 'conjoint' because if you are married or in a PACS (civil partenership) you are a couple but if you just live together, then you are classed as individuals, not a couple at all, as you have made no commitment, which seems fair to me.
Also the term 'madam' is given to every lady after a certain age (not sure what age though), and 'mademoiselle' to younger women, it is not a status of mariage but a term of respect for age. Which seems to work out better - they don't have an equivalent for 'Ms' thank goodness.

pointyhat · 20/10/2009 13:33

I'm feeling a lot of bristling and raised eyebrows at cat

hocuspontas · 20/10/2009 15:47

They don't have the equivalent of Mrs then either (thank goodness)

Cat2408 · 22/10/2009 14:41

Fair point PointyHat but I feel the same when people ask about my partner - my dance partner, my business partner, my sex partner - which partner?

If you ask about my husband, I know exactly who is being referred to!

MissWooWoo · 22/10/2009 15:28

how utterly silly cat2408

notcitrus · 22/10/2009 15:48

I found once I hit 30 or so I started being referred to as Mrs, rather than Miss. Technically it's equally inaccurate but I hope it's a sign of shifting to titles on grounds of age rather than marriage, just like French and German nowadays use Madame and Frau for all adult women.

As for partner - its a more general word and husbands are a subset of partners. Does the OP get equally upset if someone asks about her child rather than her son/daughter?

I'm technically married but I always refer to MrNC as my partner. Nipping off to the registry office was a doddle. Building our lives together, working as partners, for 15 years - that's an achievement.

Cat2408 · 22/10/2009 15:59

Good points notcitrus, I live in France and Madam is a sign of respect for age - and madamoiselle makes you feel flattered!

Not utterly silly MissWooWoo, just an opinion, which is equqlly as valid as yours

galaxymummy · 22/10/2009 16:03

Hi I used to use husband when teaching classes adult ed type and then got the' we are married but not to each other bit'
and then we are both gay (m and f couple)
then you cant make everyone happy all the time

newpartyplanner · 22/10/2009 20:34

|LMAO!!!!! You are most definately BU!

What 'status' does being married bestow upon you anyway??

We are not living in victorian britain!!

Cat2408 · 23/10/2009 12:42

'Status' as in being married or unmarried, they are both a status, neither is better or higher than the other, they are just two types of status!
You can be equally proud of being partners if you want to , that is still your status.
I am proud to be married, you are proud to have a partner or be single, all I ask is that you respect my choice as I respect yours, fortunately we live in a free world and are able to make these decisions for ourselves.

Paolosgirl · 23/10/2009 12:57

I correct anyone who calls him my partner. He's my husband, I'm his wife - end of story. We chose to marry rather than not marry, and so I like to use those terms that reflect that.

YANBU

blushes · 23/10/2009 13:28

The OP and those that think she is not BU are missing the point entirely! As several people have pointed out, "partner" includes all relationship permutations and so is an appropriate shorthand for a call centre employee to use. "Husband" does NOT include many other scenarios- gay, divorced, widowed etc- so why on earth would it be used as the default setting for such conversations? Using "partner" makes practical sense.

My blood boils slightly at the assertion that my relationship with my partner (great word, imo) is more trivial than yours with your husband. The fact that you've spent a day making vows and having a do really doesn't make your relationship more valid. Having a wedding is a piece of cake- and god knows you don't have to have a great relationship to get wed. Maintaining a relationship- married or not- is the part which requires commitment. I've had friends married and divorced in the time that me and my partner have been together and fully committed.

And seeing how stable your marriage is, OP, I'm frankly quite surprised that you crave validation on that front from a stranger who works in a call centre.

Paolosgirl · 23/10/2009 13:34

No-one's talking about validation, and no-one is trivialising your relationship with your partner! I'm also not missing any point - but my dh is my husband, and if someone calls him my partner then I'm more than happy to correct them, move on and expect them to refer to him as my husband from then on. No biggie.