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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my DH being referred to as my partner?

149 replies

generalunrest · 19/10/2009 11:17

I was on the phone to some twatting call centre the other day, and they asked me what my partners name was, even though they'd just called me Mrs Unrest.

Is it unreasonable of me to not like my DH being categorised as some kind of business partner?

I know that partner covers just about every kind of relationship, but I'm proud of us being married for 10 and I take the vows we took seriously and so don't like them being trivialised by someone else.

Yes...I know I should get a life/get over myself/get annoyed at bigger things, and I'd like to think I'm not being judgy or smug about people who aren't married or those whose marriage has broken up. If I am I'm sure you'll let me know, I'm a big girl, I can take it

OP posts:
aokay · 19/10/2009 12:46

I woould'nt be so fussed in this instance, but get fed up with school etc as they know we are married. Have heard married women refer to their current husband as their partner and think weird! - see where you are coming from and think term partner a really rubbish one - as you say- businesspartner? - bed partner? - life partner? - could'nt we collectively have come up with a better term (my nan used to call evreyone 'companions' which was rather sweet & no offence to anyone).

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 13:14

I'm a masochist so flame me flame me but as out of date as it might seem Dorothea (and I'm only 38) I set store by being a housewife and mother, and part of that is being a Mrs, as we've both committed to each other to bring up our DC. Why not be recognised for that?

Or is it that it doesn't mean that much to some people and everybody has to fit in with what they think so as not to offend them or bring up bad memories?

OP posts:
Blu · 19/10/2009 13:19

YABU - it's a small thing, not inaccurate (heaven knows what sort of marriage you would have if you couldn't describe your DH as your partner, friend and lover), not offensive. Perhaps you would feel better if they were to say 'Your husband of 10 years' to pay suitable homage to your living and relationship status?

But why see it as a 'status' thing at all? No-one is mening to trivialise you by using thios word, so why act as if they are? You'lll only give yoursel high blood pressure!

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 13:28

Blu, 'Perhaps you would feel better if they were to say 'Your husband of 10 years''

Yes, yes I'd like that please If it's so important to everyone who's not married that they be called a partner, why is it any different because I am married?

And I feel I do need homage, I was a right tear away before I got married and had my DD, it's a bit of an achievement for me, well...a lot of an achievement, for me to keep everything together for so long.

OP posts:
WebDude · 19/10/2009 13:39

Oh dear. Given the level of P.C. there would be trouble in store for the call centre for being "insensitive to others" if they happened to ring someone (as MillyR put it "you might actually have a civil partnership with another Mrs Whoever.")

You are right to feel you've achieved something important - one of my sisters celebrates 30 years this month, (after husband #1 went astray with her best friend) but no-one else cares knows, apart from a few readers on MN and your immediate friends and relations, of course.

So Congratulations, but YABU to quibble at husband being included as "partner".

MorrisZapp · 19/10/2009 14:13

YABU but in a nice way.

Bit mad really to think that complete strangers in a call centre should recognise the importance of your ten year marriage etc.

The thing is, partner covers all eventualities and husband doesn't. So partner is the option that causes least offence.

To the people that matter, he is your HUSBAND (in neon lights, with dancing girls, and a big mahoosive diamond ring waved in the world's face).

Nothing can change that.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 19/10/2009 14:15

you could correct htem but they don't care either way. so they'll just wonder why you care that they don't care.... iyswim!

JemintheGraveyardwithghouls · 19/10/2009 14:15

YABU, abit, really.

bruffin · 19/10/2009 14:40

You are so not being unreasonable!

I hate DH being called my partner, he is my Husband not my partner which does trivialise our relationship.
We made an effort to make a commitmant to each other to become husband and wife. If someone can't be bothered to get married then that's their problem and shouldn't need appeasing.

TheDemonicButDandyLioness · 19/10/2009 14:41

Nice post, MorrisZapp.

Think I'll celebrate my ten year wedding anniversary next year with neon lights and dancing girls.

ib · 19/10/2009 14:50

I regularly refer to my husband as my partner.

Don't feel it trivialises my relationship at all, and yes, I do think that having been married for 16 years is important and an achievement. Although actually having been together for 18 is the important achievement that I really value - the fact that we got married a couple of years later does not mean that the period before we got married wasn't worth anything - specially because we were already living together for one of those years, so getting married changed absolutely nothing at all.

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 14:56

ib, and are you a weird as aokay hypothesises for saying he's your partner?

OP posts:
theyoungvisiter · 19/10/2009 14:58

YABU.

  1. partner is more inclusive

  2. you might be a woman married to a woman for all they know

  3. they are not trivialising your vows, they are using the widest possible term to avoid offending people who are gay or not married.

  4. this is a call centre person fgs! I dare say they run through the same script 900 times a day. I really think you are over analysing this.

FWIW (I am now married but only since we had our children) I find the over-use of husband more irritating - I have Ms on my cards so they can't possibly know either way, but the implication is that I must be married because I am That Age and Have Children and anything else would be Wrong.

Doctors and midwives etc regularly used to refer to my "hubby" when I was unmarried. I could have been alone or gay for all they knew. I found it deeply patronising and it worried me that they would do it in sad situations and really cause offence.

veryconfusedandupset · 19/10/2009 14:59

When I practiced as a solicitor I found this very awkward as I was in practice with several male partners and had to refer to them as "my professional partner". Even worse when I used to mitigate for males who were in trouble I would always emphasise, if they were married, anything relevant about their family situation - including stressing the fact that they were married and had accepted responsibility for their family formally ( one of my clients thought having 2 pregnant girlfriends was extra mitigation!) I remember being told off by a probabtion officer who wanted to censor me into saying all relationships were of equal value and that marriage was nothing special!

ib · 19/10/2009 15:04

Clearly I am

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 15:09

Well I don't ib, and I'm still weird, what does that say? lol

OP posts:
elvislives · 19/10/2009 15:10

generalunrest I feel as you do (tho we seem to be in the minority)

I hate the way we have to tiptoe around so as not to offend people who have chosen an alternative lifestyle, but it's OK if we are offended.

If you don't want to get married that's up to you but please don't trivialise my 26 year marriage by calling my DH my "partner".

PuppyMonkey · 19/10/2009 15:19

"I set store by being a housewife and mother, and part of that is being a Mrs, as we've both committed to each other to bring up our DC..."

You don't have to be "Mrs" to make a commitment to bringing up your dc. I am a Ms and have no intention of being a Mrs. Me and my PARTNER of 15 years and our two dds are all quite committed thank you.

And there was you trying not to be judgy and smug.

Just for that: Partner, partner, partner, partner.

MorrisZapp · 19/10/2009 15:23

lol at idea of living with a bloke being 'an alternative lifestyle'.

Trust me, it ain't that interesting.

ninagleams · 19/10/2009 15:54

I'm not married, I am co-habiting, our daughter has my surname and as a consequence I'm referred to as Mrs and asked about my husband all the time. I really don't give a flying meerkat that this happens, in fact I often enjoy it! Why not enjoy being something else for a change? Lighten up, it's completely and utterly inconsequential and life's full of far worse things.

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 16:11

youngvisitor, you say im overanalysing it but you seem a bit hostile in that you find it patronising, if it doesn't matter to you why would you be bothered if someone asked about your hubby?

People who've been married for 50/60 years are feted for the achievement they've managed, therefore marriage must be seen as something special, if it's special, more special than not being married, then why not refer to it as that? Why does the emphasis have to be on people who aren't married?

Puppy, 'Just for that: Partner, partner, partner, partner'

Now, I think you're just trying to wind me up I only said I was trying not to be judgy/smug, but if nobody was judgy or smug MN would be a void in the cyberspace [gasp at the thought]

OP posts:
bruffin · 19/10/2009 17:18

"they are not trivialising your vows, they are using the widest possible term to avoid offending people who are gay or not married."

But it's ok to offend people who are married

MillyR · 19/10/2009 17:21

OP, you are still ignoring this issue of gay couples. A gay couple with a civil partnership is as special as you and your husband as a married couple. Why should a lesbian have to listen to a call centre saying 'what is your husband's name?'

She is a Mrs with a special relationship, but not with a husband.

I do not think that a call centre refusing to make the assumption that you are heterosexual is 'tiptoeing around so as not to cause offence' as Elvislives put it. It is simply common courtesy in the 21st century.

If you want to remove any confusion and celebrate your 'special' relationship, you could flaunt it in a more traditional way by giving your DH's full name in place of your own... you are Mrs Charles Jones, or whatever. I believe that was quite popular in the 1950s.

TheDevilEatsBabies · 19/10/2009 17:27

it's quite contentious, this one.

i think they should give you options like when they should say "is your title Miss, Ms, Mrs, Lady etc?" they should then say, do you have a husband, partner, boyfriend, live-in lover etc?
then they give us the choice of what we want them to be officially known as.

i have to lump these two together because it bothers me a lot when they automatically call me mrs when i answer the phone. why? they know nothing about me but my surname, why assume i'm married? why if they know my OH's name do they automatically assume that the woman answering the phone is Mrs OH?
it's insane!
they wouldn't do it to a man

totallyawesome · 19/10/2009 17:36

Generalunrest I am completely with you on this and you are NBU in the slightest. I hate the idea of a boyfriend/husband being referred to as a "partner". Do they not have a name that could be used in place of a label? Or do we have to assume that by using the word "husband", the word "wife" is somehow diminshing in some way, therefore the only viable alternative so show equality is by using another label?

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