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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my DH being referred to as my partner?

149 replies

generalunrest · 19/10/2009 11:17

I was on the phone to some twatting call centre the other day, and they asked me what my partners name was, even though they'd just called me Mrs Unrest.

Is it unreasonable of me to not like my DH being categorised as some kind of business partner?

I know that partner covers just about every kind of relationship, but I'm proud of us being married for 10 and I take the vows we took seriously and so don't like them being trivialised by someone else.

Yes...I know I should get a life/get over myself/get annoyed at bigger things, and I'd like to think I'm not being judgy or smug about people who aren't married or those whose marriage has broken up. If I am I'm sure you'll let me know, I'm a big girl, I can take it

OP posts:
theyoungvisiter · 19/10/2009 17:37

""they are not trivialising your vows, they are using the widest possible term to avoid offending people who are gay or not married."

But it's ok to offend people who are married"

Well partner includes people who are married, whereas husband specically excludes anyone who is not in a heterosexual, married relationship. If call centres use the term "husband" they are effectively saying "if you are gay or not married then we're not interested in you".

Do you see what I'm saying? It's a bit like a school addressing letters "Dear Parent", it's kind of rude and exclusive to people who are caring for a child who they are not biologically related to. So most schools choose to say "Dear Parents and Carers". If there was a word that covered both, I'm sure they would use it.

Partner covers everyone in a relationship, regardless of sexuality or legality - why would you use a word that deliberately ignores a percentage of your customer base?

MsSparkle · 19/10/2009 17:38

I am not married and it annoys me when people call dp my husband. It even happens on mn, i have written dp several times in a post and people write "dh" when responding

My dp isn't my husband and boyfriend just doesn't sound right when you have two kids together so it's "partner" for me

seeker · 19/10/2009 17:51

I am extremely committed to my partner and family. I am prepared to be that we have been together longer than practically ANYONE else on mumsnet. I HATE it when people assume that we are married - or that a marriage, however short, makes you more committed to each other than nearly 29 years together!

hocuspontas · 19/10/2009 17:52

Lol at the word partner 'trivialising' marriage! Is it such hard work staying married then?

I'm not sure about the term partner but it is the best catch-all term at the moment.

And thank you to whoever implied I am 'alternative'. It's my most exciting adjective in 25 years of co-habiting!

hocuspontas · 19/10/2009 17:55

seeker! I'm impressed at the longevity of your non-marriage. When did your non-wedding take place? Ours was 5th December 1985 when we moved in together. I don't remember partner being the norm then. People just avoided calling you anything if I recall!

edam · 19/10/2009 17:59

Don't mind partner and we've been married for 12 years, general, so if we are competing on grounds of lenghty sentences devoted marriage I think I win.

DorotheaPlentighoul · 19/10/2009 18:03

Seeker, exactly my point -- it isn't by definition "trivial" to have a partner you aren't married to!

DP and I have been together 13 years and are absolutely committed to one another. Trivial, is it? Compared to the OP's ten-year marriage? How smug and how rude.

LissyGlitter · 19/10/2009 18:08

When DD was born, DP was still technically married (but well and truly separated) to his ex. A midwife asked him where his wife was, and he answered "I have no idea, probably at home watching telly, I am here to see my girlfriend and our baby" just to see the look on the poor woman's face

Hullygully · 19/10/2009 18:09

haven't read the thread as can't be arsed - but just want to say you is a right loon.

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 18:57

If it means nothing to you Dorothea and hully, why are you calling me smug/rude/loon? that doesn't say to me that you're not bothered.

MsSparkle that's what got me thinking about this, cos I've noticed the DP/DH distinction and thought that if I used DP to describe my DH, it would mean I was saying something different about myself.

Posters might say they aren't judgy about DP/DH, so why do people use the different names? Why would you even think about someone saying he's your DH if it doesn't mean anything?

OP posts:
theyoungvisiter · 19/10/2009 18:58

and yes, the implication that "partner" is more "trivial" than husband is offensive to me too.

I have been with my husband/partner for 15 years. We got married 18 months ago for mainly practical reasons. In no way do I regard those 18 months as more significant or important than the other 13 years, nor am I more proud of the child I bore within marriage than the child we had outside wedlock. I took my relationship as seriously then as now.

To imply that partnerships are necessarily more trivial than marriage is smug and judgey in the extreme.

Just thought I'd get that off my chest

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 19/10/2009 19:08

I dislike DH being refered to as my partner, and when I was having DS2 and all the forms had partner written on we crossed it out and wrote husband.

I don't think YABU at all, it is a personal choice, if you prefer husband to partner then that is what you ask him to be addressed as

piscesmoon · 19/10/2009 19:19

I don't like it but it is pointless getting upset-it will happen all the time.

edam · 19/10/2009 19:20

lissy, I can go one better than that! On holiday with my father, he has an accident and I have to call an ambulance and attempt to give it directions to the middle of nowhere (we were on a canal, they don't necessarily follow roads).

Very worried, went with Dad to the hospital leaving middle sister to look after the youngest. In the days before mobiles and all that.

At some point nurse says to me: 'And who is the next of kin?" Tricky question as he was in the middle of divorcing my stepmother and I was knackered and anxious... stupidly answered 'his wife'. Nurse and rest of staff gave us VERY funny looks for the rest of the night. And I was v. embarrassed when I worked out why - I was about 21, my father obviously An Older Man and not looking at his best tbh!

scottishmummy · 19/10/2009 19:24

you are being too touchy by far,it is an oft used inane term.you are reading assumptions that it is somehow denigrating or business like to say partner.call centres aim for neutrality,and would say partner until corrected

i say partner until person asserts a preference and then i their would use preferred term

DorotheaPlentighoul · 19/10/2009 19:32

Generalunrest: if what means nothing to me? I don't know what you're referring to; I didn't say anything like that.

I just think it's a bit rude that you are implying a "partnership" or unmarried long-term relationship is inherently trivial. Maybe you don't think you have implied that -- or maybe you don't think that it's rude to do so? OK; but I disagree with you.

It's no problem for you to have a preference, but why do you have to express it in a way that's dismissive of the importance of someone else's relationship? Personally I am genuinely surprised that anyone would characterize the term "partner" as trivial in comparison with husband. It's just rude and quite hurtful to those of us who are not married but, just like you, are proud of our commited relationship and years together. And yes, it does make you sound like you are smug about the fact that you're married, which to me makes very little sense.

scottishmummy · 19/10/2009 19:37

as an aside parter/husband both carry same gravitas to me

i dont consider one to be superior or inferior

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 19:43

Dorothea, that the terms partner and husband do seem to mean something to you, as you've been a tad prickly about me being proud that I'm married.

I understand you may find it rude and smug that I'd prefer to be married than not married, but if you're comfortable in a long term relationship and don't care about the terms, what is it that's rude or smug about what I feel?

Unless you're offended by married people and the term husband and I don't think that's allowed nowadays?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/10/2009 19:45

my friend had a starter marriage.lasted 13months.i have had handbags for longer time.in 16month she went from Miss to Mrs to Ms

DorotheaPlentighoul · 19/10/2009 20:04

It's not that I find it rude or smug that you have a preference. Not at all, and I think you are being a bit obtuse to interpret my remarks that way. Nor have I said that the terms "don't mean anything" -- of course they have a meaning, obviously. It's just that, and here's where you seem to be misunderstanding me, I don't think they have a hierarchy, IYSWIM. Different, but equally valid.

What I do find rude/smug/generally a bit unpleasant and unneccessary is the fact that, rather than simply saying you have a preference, you and others on this thread have implied or said outright that "partner" is "trivial". Why? Can't they just be different? You can still have a preference, have pride etc. Why should your pride in your marriage necessitate characterising others' situations as trivial in a way that is likely to seem hurtful? It's playground stuff, building up your own choice by tearing down someone else's. And so I maintain that YABU.

Not sure I have the energy to keep clarifying this so I do hope you have managed to grasp my meaning this time. I'm not expecting you to agree with me, obv, but at least stop twisting my words and bloody winking!

Original poster
generalunrest · 19/10/2009 20:18

Why no winking? shit...I'm gona have to now

OP posts:
JoInScotland · 19/10/2009 20:34

I had a husband once, and that turned out to be a bit of a disaster. I suppose we were young and all that, but still... I wouldn't want to repeat the sort of relationship (eventually he spent all his evenings in the living room smoking hash). I also hated the way his family referred to me as "Mrs P. InScotland" so that I had lost my first and last names and was only Mrs "our son's identity". This was in 1996 by the way, and I mentioned that I didn't like it, but that didn't matter to them!

So anyway, when I found my current partner, it really did feel like a "partnership"; we are in it together and make decisions together, talk together, it's all 50/50. I know a lot of people don't have that, and I feel really lucky that I've found a partner in life. He dislikes the term, and that's fine - apparently his solution is to refer to me as "his beloved" at work. Is that not sweet? But I have a partner, and will do even after we get married.

sincitylover · 19/10/2009 20:48

tbh being married for many many years (like my m&d wo just celebrated 50 years )can be at the expense of experiencing many other exciting aspects of life.

Who's to say that being married is something to be more proud of than, say, achieving many other things in life.

If you follow the herd and feel comforted by that then fine but it's not morally superior than many other ways of living.

eg my maiden aunts lived a long and fulfilling life I hope but didn't bag a man - was that better than clocking up many years of marriage?

Why is something that was invented by the Church to largely protect land and property better than some other way of living.

me - lived with someone in my 20s, got married in 30s, two dcs, divorced in 40s

mummyloveslucy · 19/10/2009 20:48

It does make me cringe a bit when someone says "Your partner" when I'm with my 4 year old daughter. I think this is because I'm aware that I look about 16.
I've been married for 7 years and don't fancy being judged.

sincitylover · 19/10/2009 20:49

and would love to find a true partner tbh