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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH shouldn't tell DS, or me, to "piss off".............

44 replies

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:08

DH is an educated, intelligent man. He got cross with teenaged DS about something, which I didn't think was that serious. He told DS to piss off. I told him he was out of order using that language with a 16 year old. He told me I could piss off too. DH works with older teenagers, so should be able to handle conflict more easily. I have a tendency to over-react, so perhaps he is just using language which works with teenagers today, but I feel very uncomfortable about language used with DS, and also then used on me. Please just be honest, perhaps i am over-reacting. THanks.

OP posts:

claw3 · 19/10/2009 00:11

Did you mention he was out of order in front of ds?

Tortington · 19/10/2009 00:13

i think it depends on whether this vernacular is considered unusual in your household and under these kinds of circumstances. if its a shocker and you feel its wrong - then it's wrong.

must say it wouldn't raise an eyebrow in my house, but that isn't to say that it's wrong in yours

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:13

no, not in front of DS

OP posts:

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:15

hard, cos even tho I don't agree with him, I think parents have to resolve conflicting ideas away from the children

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TheDemonicButDandyLioness · 19/10/2009 00:17

Just to be clear - is your DH your DS's father?

Personally I don't think it's that bad. I would probably feel instinctively defensive and tell my DH not to talk to our child that way, but I wouldn't be shocked.

But if offended you, then you have a right to say so. However, what's important here also is whether your DS was offended. And whether all hell would break loose if he said it back to your DH.

SolidGhoulBrass · 19/10/2009 00:19

I think it's not unreasonable at all to swear at an annoying teenager (I wouldn't think it all that great if your H had told a toddler to piss off), sometimes it's actually quite effective. But in general people don't die from swearing. You say yourself you have a tendency to overreact, and from the bare bones of your post, yes, you did this time. Have a nice cup of tea and forget it.

claw3 · 19/10/2009 00:20

He is 16 years old, im sure he has heard before.

What did your dh say besides piss off when you said you didnt like it?

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:21

maybe that's the problem HMC........ my parents would have been on the phone to social services for this kind of language. DH's family were a bit more laissez-faire about soft swear words - but they still never, ever would have spoken to my DH or his siblings like that. This is an ongoing battle, it hurts me so bad to hear my children being spoken to like this, but DH thinks I am over-reacting. My gut instinct is to move out and take them away from this but DH thinks his language is ok. Maybe I am just over sensitive?

OP posts:

TheDemonicButDandyLioness · 19/10/2009 00:24

If it's an ongoing battle, then there's obviously more going on than one 'piss off'.

What else has he said?

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:27

sorry, started to write, got distracted, then posted without reading the other responses. Yes, DH is DS's father. DS didn't do anything particulary bad to warrant the response, DH had handled something ambiguously and DS took him to task over it. I suggested DH was not listening to a potentially fair point of view, he told me I could piss off too and hasn't spoken to either of us since. But reading your responses, it seems the problem is mine and it is OK to tell a 16 year old and a wife to piss off. Doesn't sit comfortably with me tho.

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hanaboo · 19/10/2009 00:28

hi, i think u are overreacting to the way he spoke to ur ds but i don't think he should have said that to u, was it in front of ur son? i just mean that parents should show united front, (not that he can say what he wants to kids but not u iyswim) on the other hand, did u disagree in front of ds? cos it goes both ways

sorry not very well put, i'm tired

TheDemonicButDandyLioness · 19/10/2009 00:30

Well no, I don't think it's OK to tell a 16 yo and wife to piss off if they find it very objectionable. Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries.

But IMO your DH not talking to either of you since as more of a concern. He's being an arse. Does he give you the silent treatment often?

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:32

DH told me to piss off in front of 16year old DS and much younger DD. But it is becoming clear that this is acceptable and I am in the minority, am more shocked by the MN responses than DH's behaviour, am obviously living on another planet.

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hanaboo · 19/10/2009 00:34

i agree with thedemonic, it seems that his mood is what is making it worse, had he said it mre lightheartedly maybe u wouldn't feel so bad.

i don't kno ur son but i would generally think that this is something that would bother u more than ur son, most teenagers use this language and worse on a daily basis

was ur ds very upset?

claw3 · 19/10/2009 00:34

Thought you said you didnt tell him he was out of order in front of ds? so how could he have told you to piss off in front of ds?

hanaboo · 19/10/2009 00:36

no, i don't think he should have said that to u in front of the dc's i would be annoyed if my dp did this (though i would probably tell him to piss off right back)
and then later mention to him that we shouldn't speak to each other like that in front of kids

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:39

I made sure DS was out of the room when I told DH that I wasn't happy with how he spoke to him. But we don't exactly live in a mansion, they did hear DH telling me to piss off a little while later.
As said, if shocked that DH spoke to DS and to me like that, am dumfounded that other women think it's ok for a man to speak to his wife and son like that. Clearly, I am living in la la land.

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hanaboo · 19/10/2009 00:40

sorry, i missed the part about this being an ongoing thing...
is his language really that bad?
i mean how much worse does it get?
my dp swears at our kids sometimes wen he's wound up, but personally i wouldn't leave just because of this

Tortington · 19/10/2009 00:43

well i think we have got to the crux of the issue.

you have diferent boundries = different thresholds.

it doesn't make one right or wrong - just different. so it is worth having a sit down conversation and telling him that whilst you understand that he doesn't find it shocking when he says it, perhaps becuase of his upbringong - but you do becuase of yours. You understand he doesn't mean it in an agressive menacing way, however you percieve it as such.

it must be said something like the above - where there is no blame on either side just an understanding that you ae different and to therefore accept each others diferences.

an agreement for him to try not to - and for you to try to understand if he does.

i say this as dh and i had a 'noise/ shouty' thing

so i understood that when he was loud and shouty - it was just the way he was - his intentions were not menacing r cruel. however due to childhood experiences with a drunken uncle being the main male in my life, shouty men made me feel somewhat overly sensitive than perhaps what other people would class as a norm.

if your still following i had to work out a way of explaining that there was no blame - but that dh really had to understand how his shoutyness affected me and to adjust his behaviour.
iyswim

claw3 · 19/10/2009 00:45

Narkedagain - You didnt tell the whole story in your op, it then changed to he did it in FRONT of your ds and younger dd, and they now overheard.

Your story has been a bit confusing, hence so have the replies.

hanaboo · 19/10/2009 00:46

put very well hellmouthcusty (clap hands emoticon) totally everything i was trying, but failing to say, much more articulate than me at nearly one in the morning

Tortington · 19/10/2009 00:47

hanaboo · 19/10/2009 00:48

...

Original poster

narkedagain · 19/10/2009 00:49

we have been married for 20+ years, I have had that conversation SO MANY TIMES and he won't accept that it upsets me. So seems I have to put up and shut up, reinforced by other mothers telling me I am over-reacting, but I really, really cannot cope with my DCs being spoken to like this when they have done nothing particularly wrong. DS only questioned DH cos he said something ambiguous. Really, nothing different to what a toddler might have done. DS is not drinking. taking drugs, or pushing against authority. Just trying to have a grown-up conversation with an adult who works with teenagers. But MN's repsonse is overwhelmingly clear, I'm the one who doesn't get it and I do just have to put up and shut up.

OP posts:

claw3 · 19/10/2009 00:53

What Custy said.

Im going to bed.

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