AIBU to think DH shouldn't tell DS, or me, to "piss off".............

[narkedagain]

DH is an educated, intelligent man. He got cross with teenaged DS about something, which I didn't think was that serious. He told DS to piss off. I told him he was out of order using that language with a 16 year old. He told me I could piss off too. DH works with older teenagers, so should be able to handle conflict more easily. I have a tendency to over-react, so perhaps he is just using language which works with teenagers today, but I feel very uncomfortable about language used with DS, and also then used on me. Please just be honest, perhaps i am over-reacting. THanks.

I think YANBU. Frankly I'm quite shocked at how many people on here seem to think it might be ok for a husband / father to speak to his nearest and dearest like that. I realise that the ds in question will hear and use language worse than this on a daily basis, but his father should be setting an example of what's really acceptable in the big wide world, and more importantly, listening to / talking to his son with loving respect / firmness, not childish, unpleasant language.

I feel quite that people find this acceptable.

OP, clearly we are both living in lala land.

You don't have to put up and shut up, but if your marriage is otherwise Ok I think it's somewhat extreme to talk about leaving him because he told a 16 year old to piss off.

There must be more?

apart from flying off the handle and swearing what's he like as a parent and partner?

you're not being very specific about it being an ongoing problem... i think that's why you've gotten the response that you've had.

Why on earth should you imagine that because a few mums (who you don't know and don't know you) say that they think saying "piss off" to a teenager is probably not a huge deal that you must "put up and shut up". There is either much more to this or you really do over react to others.

So what actually happened? What was the ambiguous thing said? What dd you say to your dh and how, and how has this sort of thing come up before?

For you to be thinking about breaking up your family (and bearing in mind that in general older children are asked for their opinions on where they want to live in a court situation) over this then something much much more serious has to be going on here. Is your dh generally angry and objectionable?

No, I don't think it's ok to tell your son or wife to piss off. It might get said in the heat of the moment but that wouldn't make it ok. Said not in the context of an argument/raised tempers makes it worse, it just makes it disrespectful and it's not ok.
It sounds like there is a lot more than this going on though.

narked, you are greatly overreacting to the posts on here

custy actually put a very balanced and sensible argument, which was very very far from saying that you have to put up and shut up- you are just not listening to what people are actually saying.

I think she hit it on the nail: you can't say for all families what constitutes unacceptable language: it is about the general tone of the family.

in our family, we do not speak like this, so for dh to suddenly come out with something on those lines would be a very aggressive thing to do, and I would certainly perceive it that way

otoh I do know of families where this would not have the same aggressive overtones, because both parents speak like that

What you need to do is Negotiate.

narked, I really would suggest you read the responses again after a cup of tea or something, I have just read through and see nothing here to warrent your reaction, you have some great responses to your situation, if you add information as you go along it is best to focus n the replies posted after the full information was available as they will be most hlepful.

Custy has said some very helpful and balanced things that should help?

Yes totally agree with custy.

But for further clarification...

If DH said to me "Oh fuck, I dropped my glass and broke it!". It would not bother me.

If he said to me "Oh, fuck off!". I would be furious.

It doesn't not bother me people using swear words (though I'd rather they didn't around my toddler!!), but I HATE being sworn at.

I think that is probably what upset the OP - not the actual language used - the way it was used in quite an aggressive/dismissive manner towards her ds and herself.

YANBU. If you don't want your DS to tell you to piss off, you can't say it to him because he can point out that he is only saying what you say.
(If you don't mind your DCs saying that there is no problem).
Personally I wouldn't have it from my DH or DCs and therefore wouldn't either use it or accept it.
If you DH is an educated, intelligent man he should be able to express himself differently. There is never any need to lower your mode of expression just because 'everyone else' does.

YANBU - I would not be comfortable with it. Like Bouncingturtle said, swearing and being sworn at are different.

YANBU I would not be at all happy with that. It's the emotion that goes with it that I find worrying. Like people have said, if it's swearing at stubbing a toe, dropping a plate then it's not so bad. If it's said with disrespect or menace then it's not acceptable.

YANBU. Not acceptable in my house.

I'm well aware that teenagers will use this (and worse!) but, as I've explained to mine, I don't want to hear it in my house.
Nobody swears in the house when the kids are home.

When they're not, dh and I swear like troopers. But there's no malice behind it.

FWIW
I have had the conversation about swearing wiht my DSs.
I know they hear and see 'bad' language all the time, at school, tv, facebook etc. I accept they will use bad language at some point. However they must be repectful of where and when they use that language. If they are with their mates I think it is inevitable that they will use words. However in front of elders i.e. grandparents, teachers, us,in public places with small children around and so on they must curb it.
They have never heard their dad swear (if you discount bloody and sod )
These are the 'house rules' by me and DH. Dh has never ever swore at me in nearly 20 years and my god we have had some humdingers of rows in our time.(To the verge of nearly splittig up at times)
You must know what is acceptable in your house and I do think is is unreasonable if he says them words in a nasty way. It's the context and tone of what is said that makes all the difference and from what you are saying it sounds unpleasant.

I would be seriously pissed off if dh told our child to piss off.
Its not nice being sworn at and I do think adults should have more control.

But I am interested if your son can say it back. If not then your dh was out of line.

Thanks to all who posted, and apologies for over-reacting last night towards those who thought it was acceptable. I was very upset, as much by the tone as what was said. DH is otherwise a very good husband & father, but I still don't agree with venemous swearing at children and partners. I also think it sends very confusing messages to the kids. But thanks all, will re-read all posts with a fresh mind and try to put it all in perspective.

No YANBU - I would be upset if DH said it to me - never mind DS. I know kids can wind you up and I have been driven to say things I shouldn"t have but that does not make it a good idea.

Am gobsmacked - YANBU. I can't imagine it ever being okay to swear at your children, 16yr old or not. Have been sworn at by DP before and seriously did not like it

I agree that swearing and being sworn at are two different matters.

If my DH had said "God, I'm so pissed off today" in front of ds when a teenager I don't think I would be shocked or find it a problem though personally I don't swear...but if he had told my ds at ANY age to 'piss off' followed by the same to me then yes I would be extremely angry. I think you were right to pick him up on it and I think it is wrong of him to speak to his family that way; imo you are not over reacting.